I’m going to start with the cold hard truth:
No woman or girl can “survive” a friends with benefits relationship.
No woman can keep all the friends with benefits rules without lying to herself.
And I firmly stand behind this statement.
No matter how great a FWB relationship seems at first (having your cake and eating it too? Yum!), at a certain point you realize that you can’t go on without choosing a direction:
1. Becoming his girlfriend
2. Turning a non-relationship to a non-breakup.
Glad you asked.
Why a FWB Relationship SUCKS (For Girls!)
Like it or not, guys are more physically oriented. Girls are more emotionally oriented.
When a girl is physically intimate with a guy, her heart comes along with her body – either in full force or “just” a crush.
I’m not saying that guys are cold-hearted and empty, but their emotions are not as strongly connected to physical intimacy as women.
We girls hate it. We try to argue with it, we try to understand why and we’re sure we can change it – but we can’t.
The sooner you accept it – the less heartache you’ll feel in your life.
That’s why no girl can adhere to the rules of friend with benefits, no matter how much she wants to.
How do you feel when you have sex and he doesn’t call you for days after?
How do you feel when he comfortably flirts with other girls in front of you?
How do you feel when he introduces you as a friend?
How do you feel when you have to stop yourself from texting and calling him as much as you want?
How do you feel when you have suppress your emotions because of the “don’t fall in love” rule?
It’s messed up.
My Best FWB Advice for You
Casual sex can only exist where there is only a physical connection. When the guy is otherwise almost a stranger.
If there is something more — a friendship, or any other communication other than being naked – casual sex is an illusion, not a reality.
It’s a-more-than-friends-but-less-than-a-relationship situation, and you feel like your heart and body is abandoned – all the time.
You don’t want to be the “chill girl”. The passenger. The girl who’s afraid to say what she wants to avoid coming across as having feelings, or standards god forbid.
You know that you don’t want it to be only about sex anymore. But you’re afraid to tell him and choke on the dust he’ll leave running away screaming.
“Sorry babe, I’m really just trying to sleep with you, so have a good life” – he’ll say.
No friends and no benefits. That’s what the future holds.
Can a Friends with Benefits Situation Turn Serious?
You don’t want to shut down your excitement any more. You don’t want to lie to yourself anymore. You don’t want to play cool with him anymore.
You want to get rid of the constant lump in your throat.
You feel stuck in a friends with benefits situation.
Here’s how to get unstuck:
How to Become His Girlfriend
If you’re one of my readers, you may remember that my husband (of 10 years) and I started out as a FWB relationship.
We knew each other for years before the “benefits” episode began, which was cleverly initiated by him.
We both made it clear to one another that there is no commitment involved here. That this is not a relationship.
After a couple of months of us occasionally meeting, watching movies, talking and having sex of course – he suddenly told me that he can’t keep doing this.
For a minute I panicked, but in less than a second it hit me:
He wants to have a real relationship.
And that’s exactly what he told me. He said that he’s in love with me, and wants me to be only his.
Deep down I knew it’s what I wanted too, though I wasn’t in any hurry at that point, I have to admit.
We’re now married for 10 years and have 2 beautiful kids.
(Friends with way too many benefits…)
When I look back to find what I did to make him want a real commitment, here’s what I found:
1. I never told him how I feel about him (Until he said it first).
2. I never asked him how he feels about me.
3. I never asked him why he hasn’t called me or why he doesn’t want to see me every day
4. I never demanded anything (but it was easy, he treated me really well)
5. I kept it a secret from every one.
Other than all of the above, I did everything I always do at the beginning of a relationship:
1. We had fun together, out of bed too.
2. We laughed a lot.
3. We interrogated each other about our past, including past relationships and dates.
4. I always spent the whole night at his place after intimacy. But in the morning I was gone.
This is just my experience, but obviously your guy is not my guy. He is completely different and your situation is too.
The secret is to learn how a male mind works. And to accept that it works differently than yours.
I assure you that he has feelings for you. That’s a given in a FWB relationship. You just have to help him see that you are all he needs and wants.
These tricks are not manipulations. They are just a way to make him open his eyes and see what he has, before he loses you forever.
You know you won’t be able to keep doing this for long, right?
Now’s the turning point. The cross-road between a breakup (from something that hasn’t even begun) and a committed and passionate relationship.
And I’d love to read your own experience with a FWB situation and answer any question you have in the comments below…
Rooting for ya,
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