Can you make your (guy) friend with benefits fall for you?
This question is very common.
Why?
Because almost no woman can “survive” a friends with benefits relationship.
Almost no woman can keep all the friends with benefits rules without lying to herself.
No matter how great an FWB relationship seems at first (having your cake and eating it too? Yum!), at a certain point you realize that you can’t go on without choosing a direction:
1. Becoming his girlfriend
2. Turning a non-relationship to a non-breakup.
Why?
Glad you asked.
Overview
What is a FWB Relationship?
A friends with benefits relationship means different things to different people. Basically, it means having an ongoing sexual relationship with committing to each other, where the sex comes first and the friendship second.
Some people like to hang out and have a coffee first or stay for cuddles and chit-chat after sex, but others don’t even bother to do that. Some people consider it a temporary sexual relationship until you find a “real” partner. Others define it as a friend that likes to do “sexy stuff” occasionally – without declaring it an exclusive relationship.
How do you define a FWB?
Can You Handle a Friends with Benefits Relationship?
Like it or not, guys are more physically oriented. Girls are more emotionally oriented.
When a girl is physically intimate with a guy, her heart comes along with her body – either in full force or “just” a crush.
I’m not saying that guys are cold-hearted and empty, but their emotions are not as strongly connected to physical intimacy as women.
We girls hate it.
We try to argue with it, we try to understand why and we’re sure we can change it – but we can’t.
The sooner you accept it – the less heartache you’ll feel in your life.
That’s why no girl can adhere to the rules of friends with benefits, no matter how much she wants to.
Do You Feel Comfortable with the FWB Rules and Boundaries?
How do you feel when you have sex and he doesn’t call you for days after?
How do you feel when he comfortably flirts with other girls in front of you?
How do you feel when he introduces you as a friend?
How do you feel when you have to stop yourself from texting and calling him as much as you want?
How do you feel when you have suppressed your emotions because of the “don’t fall in love” rule?
It’s messed up.
Can Friends with Benefits Fall In Love?
Casual sex can only exist where there is only a physical connection. When the guy is otherwise almost a stranger.
If there is something more – a friendship, or any other communication other than being naked – casual sex is an illusion, not a reality.
It’s the a-more-than-friends-but-less-than-a-relationship situation, and you feel like your heart and body is abandoned – all the time.
You don’t want to be the “chill girl”. The passenger. The girl who’s afraid to say what she wants to avoid coming across as having feelings or standards god forbid.
You know that you don’t want it to be only about sex anymore. But you’re afraid to tell him and choke on the dust he’ll leave running away screaming.
“Sorry babe, I’m really just trying to sleep with you, so have a good life” – he’ll say.
No friends and no benefits. That’s what the future holds.
Unless…
You don’t want to shut down your excitement anymore. You don’t want to lie to yourself anymore. You don’t want to play cool with him anymore.
You want to get rid of the constant lump in your throat.
You feel stuck in a friends with benefits situation.
Here’s how to get unstuck:
How to Make Your Friend with Benefits Fall for You
If you’re one of my readers, you may remember that my husband (of 10 years) and I started as an FWB relationship.
We knew each other for years before the “benefits” episode began, which was cleverly initiated by him.
We both made it clear to one another that there is no commitment involved here. That this is not a relationship.
After a couple of months of us occasionally meeting, watching movies, talking, and having sex of course – he suddenly told me that he can’t keep doing this.
For a minute I panicked, but in less than a second it hit me:
He wants to have a real relationship.
And that’s exactly what he told me. He said that he’s in love with me, and wants me to be only his.
Deep down I knew it’s what I wanted too, though I wasn’t in any hurry at that point, I have to admit.
We’re now married for 10 years and have 2 beautiful kids.
(Friends with way too many benefits…😉)
When I look back to find what I did to make him want a real commitment, here’s what I found:
1. I never told him how I feel about him (Until he said it first).
2. I never asked him how he feels about me.
3. I never asked him why he hasn’t called me or why he doesn’t want to see me every day
4. I never demanded anything (but it was easy, he treated me really well)
5. I kept it a secret from everyone.
Other than all of the above, I did everything I always do at the beginning of a relationship:
1. We had fun together, out of bed too.
2. We laughed a lot.
3. We interrogated each other about our past, including past relationships and dates.
4. I always spent the whole night at his place after intimacy. But in the morning I was gone.
This is just my experience, but obviously, your guy is not my guy. He is completely different and your situation is too.
I recommend you this video, if you want to find out.
I assure you that he has feelings for you. That’s a given in a FWB relationship.
You just have to help him see that you are all he needs and wants.
You know you won’t be able to keep doing this for long, right?
Now’s the turning point. The crossroad between a breakup (from something that hasn’t even begun) and a committed and passionate relationship.
Rooting for ya,
Lisa
vivian says
You can turn your friends with benefits relationship into a serious one if you both have feelings with each other, I joined one popular fwb dating community, Fwbdr, some people there state that they love to try fwb firstly, if it’s going well, they love to turn into a long-term relationship.
Abby says
I met a guy online and we talked online for nearly 6 months before meeting up. After we started hanging out a bit things quickly turned into FWB. We never had a conversation about what we were and I think we were are very different pages. I made the mistake of telling him I had feelings for him after hooking up a few times. I have kids and he does not. He told me he was not right for someone with kids but hoped we could still be friends. I was really hurt and told him I had to think about whether or not I could continue having sex with him but I hoped we could remain friends as well. We have talked almost every day for about 9 months and have a lot of fun together. He’s very supportive and kind to me but I don’t know what to do. I know I would be hurt seeing him with someone else but I don’t want to be clingy or weird either. I obviously would like to see it turn into a relationship but am not desperate. We have amazing sex and also hang out grab lunch and talk for hours without having sex. I feel the sexual and emotional connection is strong but maybe I’m wrong. I just really don’t know how to move forward with this situation. I don’t want to lose him as a friend but I also don’t want to end up more hurt.
Natalia says
So I met this guy online and we went on a few dates. The chemistry was great and on the third date we ended up double dating his good friend. He was super affectionate and was not trying to be subtle with PDA at all. We ended up going back to his place and hooked up. Afterward, he said “I think you’re great” and kissed my forehead. I couldn’t spend the night so I went home and we kept in touch afterward. A few days later he stopped texting and finally he says he has a soft spot for me but he doesn’t feel it would work out and to continue just as friends.
We kept talking and flirt and have a random conversation. He asked to meet up again and I asked if this was going to be a one-night stand or an FWB deal. He said he knows we talked about this not being relationship status and that as long as I was okay with that and wasn’t expecting anything else, he would be okay with FWB. Just to let the other know if we meet someone else or if we start messing around with someone else.
While I appreciate the honesty, I’m not sure how he pulled a complete 180 or if I should even buy into the thought of being FWB because it sounds like he’s keeping his options open, or am I missing something here?
Kelly says
Hi Lisa,
I just wanted to acknowledge the commitment to replying is amazing, so i thought id ask for some advice.
I have a friend, 3 years now. Hes been in love with me since year 1, i noticed him in year 2. We have broken eachothers heart by hooking up with other people between that time.
Anyways, we finally had the chance to be together, and it was a great 1 month hahah this year on his birthday he organised me to come., he fell out of love with me when i started to question is connections with other woman, as a pisces, they naturally connect emotionally.
So we broke it off and in the last two months, off and on fbw. I thought i could do it without emotional connection, but i cant. Today he disapointed me, so i know i must step back, im still in love with him, and hes really passive so he wont ever tell me he wants me. He will just acept and move on.
May i get some advice on my choices i am going to make from here on??
1. No more asking for his company (cause he said that he is available whenever i want him)
2. We attend the same meetings, so just say hi and bye
3.Focus on my studies and my family and friends
4.Say no when he wants to see me (i am always available for him, cause i am able to manage time and space evenly)
Will these steps stop my heart from connecting to him? its hard cause we do alot of community work together. Also, he did say that he was afraid to love me again, but he still looks for me wen i leave group early, or i disapear, he reels me back in. So i still think that there is hope.. but i have to admit , its nothing more then physical, henc i agreed to have sex with him again.
I want to feel on top again before i trusted him to be my bf, how do u know he wants for keeps? i just wanna move on hahahah but my heart cant just chill, should i date?
Lisa Redfield says
I think it would be a good idea to take those steps, but I don’t know if they will prevent an emotional connection, because it already exists. I don’t think he fell out of love with you, he just didn’t like you questioning him about his relationships with other women. It seems to me that he likes you and wants your company, but is not willing to commit at this point. The fact that you meet him all the time would be a great chance to take some distance (by taking those steps you thought of) – while keeping enough in touch with him to stay on his mind. Good luck!
Samantha says
Hi,
I’m FWB with my best friend since high school. This would be the second time we are FWB. The first time we broke it off saying we were going to find the real loves of our lives but neither of us did after 2 years of just being friends. This first time we did this, I was really falling for him and would ask why we couldn’t be something more. His excuse was that he didn’t want to ruin our friendship with a relationship. The only time I could get his guard down was when we drank and he would gush over me saying how much he loved me but he would deny it the next morning. How we started being FWB again was getting drunk and once again he told me he loved me and has always loved me but once sober the feelings were gone and it was all about the sex. Don’t get me wrong I do love the sex part of this and the friendship part but I really wish it could be more. He is my best friend, he knows everything about me and I know everything about him. We hang out, have fun and are there for each other when things get rough, plus know we have amazing sex, I just don’t get why he can’t just commit and want me to be only his.
Jane says
Hi Lisa,
So I met this guy through Tinder last year. We’ve managed to get into a fwb sort of. Spent time together in and outside of bedroom, met each other’s friends, going on vacations, really just having fun together.
Until he had to move three hours away for work.
Before he moved, I told him that I realized I liked him a lot now (I wouldn’t tell him I’m in love with him – it’s crazy that he’s always on my mind!) but he told me that he don’t want to have a long distance relationship that could be complicated. He also told me that he thinks I’m a sweet and caring girl that deserve the best (I was so heartbroken when he said that). We never texted a lot to begin with, so I don’t text him either. I thought that I’ll never hear from him again but from time to time, he’d drop a text to ask how I’m doing and we’ll text quite a bit in a short period of time and then the conversation will just die out. We even went on a couple of trips overseas together after he moved (I couldn’t resist the chance to spend time with him when he would ask to go travel together). When he came back on a weekend to visit in town, he met his close friends and also me, but didn’t inform other mutual friends (which I couldn’t help but overthink that he might be thinking of me a little bit).
My friend told me that he’ll move on and stop contacting after a couple of months from his move because he’d be lonely at first while trying to ease into his new life. But he’s not stopping and it’s been half a year now.
I try my best to distract myself daily but it’s very hard to not think about him. There are many guys who approached me with interest but I couldn’t forget about him.
What does he want? Why is he doing this? (Especially the town he moved to is very exciting considering our age in mid 20s, I just can’t help but think he cared at least a little if he’d keep in touch)
What should I do?
Could you advise me please?
Thank you
-Jane
Lisa Redfield says
Jane,
Obviously I don’t know what he wants. But I can guess that he told you the truth – that he is afraid that long distance will be complicated. I think that if I were you I would just try to go with the flow and do what my heart tells me. But the secret is to listen to your inner voice – without the fear. When you have an urge to do something (like travel with him again) – notice how you feel. Do you go with expectation – that it will lead to something more serious? Or do you go just to have fun with him in the moment? The more you live in the present time, without planning the future, the more successful you’ll be at getting what you really want. But it’s hard, and not many people can do that. What do you think? can you do it?
val says
Hey Lisa,
I cannot see my comment. Does it only show up until you reply to my comment?
Here’s one thing I forgot to mention. My fwb once told me he wanted to experience all the things before he steps into a marriage…
He did not clearly say he does not want a relationship but he also does not act like he wants one..
Is this a good sign or a bad one?
Best,
Val
Lisa Redfield says
I would believe what he says. It seems like he doesn’t want a relationship right now. But that can change at any time. On the other hand, you can’t sit around and wait for him – that never works.
Christine says
HI Lisa,
I just agreed with this guy who calls himself damaged goods, and believe me he has been through hell wih women, and he really does not trust any woman. We have talked, went out to eat/drink, had sex once, and it was great. I feel as though him and I are very similar people, and we have many things in common. I honestly feel good with the decision to be FWB, and I am not hoping that he changes his mind, because he will not, I KNOW this. I have never done a FWB arrangement before, but there is something about this guy that I want to do this with him. He said that there really aren’t any rules, but there has to be boundaries, right? What should I do as far as getting him to set boundaries?
Lisa Redfield says
If this is a new thing, just a few months, than I would not set any boundaries at this point. With time and if you get closer and more intimate, boundaries will set themseleves up. Setting rules at this point may drive this guy away. This is what I think anyway..hope it helps.
Ash says
Hi Lisa
I have been in a fwb arrangement for about a year and months now. And through it we have been on and off. Feelings are expressed and frequent I LOVE YOUs have been exchanged. We also don’t always have sex when we hang out and he respects me. Only problem is his not ready for a relationship. And this got us to cut ties and move on with our lives or so i thought. Till he reached out to me and said he misses me and practically put himself back in my life. I haven’t asked him why he’s back because I don’t know were to start from in the first place. Any insight on this?.
Lisa Redfield says
I think he has realized that he doesn’t want to be without you, and if you have a bit of patience and put no pressure on him, he will say he wants a relationship with you – soon.
Laurie says
Ok. So what do I do? I don’t want to lose him, but I get frustrated (I usually don’t let him know) when I say I miss you, he’ll respond with “That’s very nice to say”. I want to hear him say it too lol. Or he’ll break a plan for us to hang out (at his place because we’ve not gone anyplace together in public) because he forgot he had a friends birthday party to attend or he just made plans with my kids (all adults) so we’ll meet up next week (like I said, I’ve never met any of his friends or kids). To me, why can’t he ever cancel with his friends? Why can he so easily cancel with me. The kids, I understand that 100%. And I’m typically the one who initiates texts. This man has completely stolen my heart (have never felt this way for anyone before & im 51!) but he confuses me. How do I find out (he won’t admit feelings for me, just “friend” feelings) if he really does/is starting to have feelings (more than just friends) without asking? I’m a communicator, he’s not. Especially about feelings!
Laurie says
Lisa, I’ve been in a fwb for 6 months now. When it first started (we met online dating app) I told him I didn’t want anything more. Now I have feelings (I’m 51, he’s 56). We’ve never gone on a date, but now next week he wants to take me to Topgolf. I’ve told him I love him (prior to him wanting to take me out now), his response “I love you too, as a friend.” Once I was so frustrated I told him to go have sex with someone else so I could just end these feelings for him. He wouldn’t & hasn’t. He tries to cheer me up if I’ve had a bad day. He’s very affectionate when we are together (holds me, caresses me). Last week when I was at his place he said you can come over, but no sex! While I was there, we were snuggling & he said no sex! I asked why? Are you testing something? He said he wanted to see if he could be with me & not have sex. That has me SO confused! What does that even mean??? I did end up persuading him into having sex though, lol. He always gives me his opinion/advice. He always compliments me. Sometimes he hugs me tighter than other times. I’ve never met his kids (they’re adults), I’ve never met his friends. I’ll make little comments like “when are you going to cook for me?” He’ll say “soon.” The other day I texted him & said I miss your arms, his response “That was very nice to say!” He lets me sleep on his side of the bed & I let’s me use his favorite pillow.He remembers little things we’ve talked about or joked about. I really do love him! He’s an amazing man! High integrity, morals, values, family oriented, etc. I THINK he’s developing feelings (though he won’t admit to them right now), or am I just reading too much into the little things and ignoring his words?
Lisa Redfield says
I think you are probably right, but he doesn’t want to admit any feelings for now. Maybe he was burned in the past and is afraid to commit at this point.
Holly says
Hi I have Been friends with this guy for 3 to 4 years now and I basically Know everything about his life his sex life and why he doesn’t do relationships one girl broke his heart and that was it. I’m 18 he is 29 he literally went after a few guys that I was Seeing because of how old they were and i was only 17 at the time and since I turned 18 in November it took a couple months but now we are having sex I sleep At his house at least 4 times a week we hang out on the weekends we have the same mutual friends then we will leave and go home together. When I’m at his house unless he has work I do Not leave right away in the morning so I’m a little confused as to how I should feel or how he feels he always says he doesn’t catch feelings and i always say the same thing but I’m starting to and I’m not sure he is so my question is should I back Off or just see where it goes and hopefully it goes the way I want
Lisa Redfield says
It depends on how much patience you have and how much you believe your wish can come true. In my experience I know that when a guy says he doesn’t want a relationship – he means it.
Angela says
I have been friends with someone for many years now. I am currently separated from my husband of 10 years and I have two children who are fairly young. I am 32 and my friend is 27. We started getting together as I had feelings for him for 2 years but never acted on them and didn’t think he would ever feel the same. After about 5 weeks with everything going phenomenal between us and what I was lead to believe would be a relationship as soon as it could officially be, I started feeling as though I’d be ok with people knowing about us at some point not in the immediate future but not in the far off future either and I asked him how he felt about it. He said he still hadn’t decided if he wanted to be a step dad which I can’t at all blame him for even though it hurts. I said we could see where it goes, no rush. But then it seemed like he was turning down my suggestions to get together. So eventually I asked him if I was just making things up or he really was avoiding us getting together. He said he couldn’t be a step dad and didn’t think it was fair to me and didn’t want to hurt me. But after a few days we agreed to keep going with the physical because neither one of us wanted to stop. It’s confusing. When we’re together it’s like a page out of “Everything about this screams perfect 101” And we still talk every day though sometimes it’s longer hours in between when I hear from him. But he stopped the terms of endearment and in both “headed for relationship” and “FWB” it’s been seemingly only me suggesting times to get together. Yet he readily agrees when I do and it’s amazing just being in the same place. I know I’m not in this to change his mind, but his actions and his words don’t match so I’m a rollercoaster of “I’d genuinely rather have this than nothing and maybe if we’re meant to be, we will be one day” and “he doesn’t want my life so why bother continuing?” I just wish I knew if he was just scared or thought I “deserve better”, but he really does still have feelings for me and might come around with no pressure (which I’m more than happy to do), or if I’ve become just sex to him and he turned it off that fast not wanting anything more. Based on his actions when we’re together I can’t see how it’s possible he just turned it off and has no feelings, but based on what he says feels like a different story. Words of any kind of encouragement would just be comforting right now!
Lisa Redfield says
I think that he wants to be with you, and has feelings for you, but just like he said – he is not ready to be a step dad. I believe him when he says that. This could change with time – or not. It’s up to you whether it’s worth it to wait for it – without pressuring him – or not.
Kristy says
Hi Lisa,
I currently have a FWB situation but we were dating up until a month ago when he had stuff going on and said he wasn’t ready to commit at the moment.
He said he didn’t want to lose me and still wanted to be friends and hang out.
I didn’t get how he changed so quickly because in the beginning he “chased me” as they say until I agreed to go on a date with him.
So now we are FWB but I can’t hode my feelings but I don’t want to push him away I know he’s not ready for anything.
But he’s distant over texts but yet when we are together he flirts with me holds my hand gets jealous over other guys that speak to me.
I just don’t know what to do it’s like he wants me but he doesn’t .
Please help!
Lisa Redfield says
I think that if he wanted to stay friends I would stay friends but without being intimate. This will show you whether he is only interested in sleeping with you without commitment or he really wants you in his life.
Jackie says
My guy has to have a conversation every time we hook up. He doesn’t need to call. I’m totally fine with us hooking up and him not calling or texting me the next day. He makes sure I’m aware that we are just friends. Got it dude. He also asks me a hundred questions about who else I’ve been with since last time. Then he accuses me of catching feelings. Super confusing and just as annoying. Truth is I’m just comfortable with him and want to have fun everyonce in a while. What’s the deal?
Lisa Redfield says
I can’t really tell, but I think that he is falling for you but scared about committing to a relationship at this point. I think I would tell him that last sentence you wrote – “truth is I’m just comfortable with him and want to have fun every once in a while” – and see how he reacts to it.
Kirsten says
Hi Lisa
Me and this guy I added him on Facebook as we had a mutual friend and we just began to start talking and we were talking for weeks before we met up face to face we were with other people but then they next day he invited me over to his place to sleepover and watch a movie obviously when we were chatting there was flirting and that continued to us hooking up. The day after we were talking and then he started to take longer to reply to my messages and read them and didn’t reply. It’s making me feel anxious as I don’t want to scare him off.
Lisa Redfield says
Kirsten, here’s a post that I think will help you: https://howtogetaguytowantyou.com/why-men-pull-away-after-intimacy/
Taylor says
The video link does not work 🙁
Lisa Redfield says
I’ve tested it and it seems to work for me…try again? 🙂
Shacka says
Lisa and all – I feel your pain and struggles. I’ve had a male best friend who has always hinted around about us being FWB. We flirt constantly, kiss once in awhile .. the texts back and forth were ridiculous. Each time he texted me I jumped to my phone. We also had a great fun friendship and just liked hanging out . He was always involved with someone else so we never actually went that extra step. Well a few days ago tha changed. He drank a few and we were together when he just let me know everything. He admitted his love for me and how I saved him when his was very low in life. Basically he put me up on the pedestal I deserved because he is very narcissistic like a lot of men are. I felt great and very valued finally. When he drinks, he speaks the truth and it felt wonderful to hear how he felt. The issue is that part of me feels robbed. For awhile now – maybe a year, we really haven’t texted like we used to, and he isn’t clambering to meet up. His rule always was if we hooked up we weren’t allowed to fall in love. Well he blew that because he told me since the day we were introduced he has loved me. Oops. So now I have a best friend who I feel like is going to disappear because we did take it to that next level. I admit I wouldn’t mind seeing him more but let’s be honest – he’s not never going to be exactly what I am looking for. Especially since I know so much. I love him and I care deeply but he just shuts down and disappears (like a lot of men apparently), and that angers me. I don’t know how to communicate with him anymore. The dynamic has changed … any advice? I don’t want to mess up and lose him…
Susan Pinz says
Hi! I am currently stuck in a very awkward situation with my male best friend. He has a Gf whom he has had issues with for at least 10 years. He hasn’t ever trusted her and I’ve been the shoulder he leans on. Actually he’s leaned on me for a lot of issues and confided in me. We hadn’t ever hooked up before until a couple of weeks ago. He was drunk and he just admitted he had loved me since the day he met me etc. well he doesn’t live near me anymore because of work. I hardly see him. He is usually near me once a week but has other meetings and family he visits . The mental state he has is very tiring – he has ptsd and social anxiety which makes him tend to “shut down” and disappear a lot. This is hurtful on many levels. Selfish? He is .. but he has other sides which I do adore. I’m struggling to figure out if I should take a chance and see him more aka Fwb. It’s tough to not think of him in that frame of mind. What would u do?
Lisa Redfield says
Seeing him as more than FWB is not something you can “decide”…it’s either there or not. I think that if you listen to your heart – you already feel that way, but your intellectual mind stops you for all the “right” reasons.
I can’t tell you what to do – only you can. But I strongly advise that if you decide to become more serious with him – accept him just the way he is – fully – without expecting him to ever change or be more the way you want him to be. This is it – this is who he is – you have to decide whether you can love him unconditionally – or not.
Susan Pinz says
Thank you for your reply. I have had this inner monologue soooo many times. Because he disappears and doesn’t text unless he wants to, I get frustrated. We have a family issue now and I have tried texting and calling him to tell him about it. (He is close to my father who is sick). He still hasn’t recognized this. It blows my mind. Yet he can text me asking me if I still have some items at my house he needs. Oh, and he flirts … his moods are so up and down. As a friend I can handle him at a distance but I doubt he will ever change and be more present which is sad because I really felt he would. Especially after that hook up when he admitted so much to me. 🙁 I’ve noticed I’m not alone with guys like this. I have to find a way to to not text him and back off because honestly, I’ve been the best thing he’s had since sliced bread. Always there for him, so kind and caring, and 10% of the time I see reciprocation. I know once I back away he will suddenly show up again… it’s the way he rolls. Tiring hmm?
Michele says
Hi Lisa,
So I became fwb with my bestfriend of 2 years, 4 months ago and at the start it was going great however 2 months in we had the commitment talk and we decided to take things slow and see where they would go because we saw potential in eachother. However whilst seeing eachother he was still flirting and messaging other girls and sending nudes to them including my ex bestfriend and I found out and confronted him, then I broke off our potential relationship due to that. However we couldn’t stop seeing eachother or having sex and we’d be with eachother everyday even though he was still out there talking to girls. He told me he’s not ready for a relationship and not ready to commit because of what his ex put him through and he’s scared of commitment. I was fine with it at first but now I’ve fallen in love with him, I constantly think about him when we’re not together and he has gone out and kissed other girls and fucked another girl and I got really hurt by it. He always assured me he never wants to lose me and he loves me a lot and wants to forever stay bestfriends, however I really want more from it. Sometimes when we’re not together he texts me a lot and is very flirty and other times he’s very dry. I remind myself everyday that he’s not ready for a relationship and we’re just bestfriends but we honestly act like a couple and can’t stop seeing eachother and staying away from eachother. His only issue is he can’t commit which is a big one. It hurts me knowing he talks to other girls but he acts like the best boyfriend to me and is honestly such an amazing guy. Thoughts??
Lisa Redfield says
Your pain comes from understanding the situation and not accepting it. This is how it is, this is what he is able to give right now. The question is can you live with it, just the way it is – or not. You have to make a decision otherwise you’ll just keep being tortured.
It has nothing to do with how he feels about you, this is just what he is able to do right now.
Elizabeth says
Hello,
I met a guy online I’ve started seeing a few months ago. We went on a couple dates and then he kind of disappeared for a couple of weeks. he then came back and apologized for disappearing saying his mind wouldnt let him move on from his last relationship. He broke it off with someone else and says he cant imagine trusting someone again and getting hurt. I told him I really liked him but he expressed to me that he does not want a relationship at this time. He said he would love to still see me and hang out casually but that that doesnt mean he doesnt like me or see me as nothing more than a sex buddy. I told him we could try it out and he was very honest and open about his feelings. I really like this guy…he is someone I normally wouldnt have gone for but I took a chance by going out on a date. And after we hooked up we talked for hours and he texted me the next day. However, I am now in the stage where I want to text him and I am not sure if he wants to even hear from me. Do I wait until he makes the move? I’m horrible with the “rules” of this. And I know I am doing this with the hopes it could eventually turn into something…do you think I should move on?
Lisa Redfield says
I think that if you already took one chance – take another chance and just follow your heart. If you want to text him – just text him. Follow your inner voice and forget about the rules. However, while you do this, lower your expectations to a minimum. Focus on having fun, without asking for commitment and dramatic declarations of love. If you were meant to be, it will come – at the right time.
Anon says
Hi Lisa,
I have recently started a fwb arrangement and I am totally confused. He said he can’t commit to a relationship because of a few personal mental health problems which I fully understand but he wants to be intimate and close and wants me to stay over. He always tells me how beautiful I am and that he likes me (I don’t know if maybe as more than friends) and we have absolutely great sex. I am comfortable with a fwb arrangement but I am very careful about safe sex. I have told him this and he agrees and so we use condoms. I have gone on the pill but have said to him that we must still use condoms if he’s seeing other people. Now this is where I get confused…he’s always telling me how he wants me to feel 100% comfortable with him and to let go and that’s what I want too, but I will not feel like that if I have constant worries about STDs. He asks me if I would feel comfortable to lose the condoms if we were exclusive and I’ve said yes. He also talks about maybe doing this exclusivity sometimes but he’s recently told me he still wants to see other people so we’ll keep the condoms for now. How do I tell him I want it to be an exclusive arrangement (not out of commitment or feelings but just so it makes me feel more comfortable) without ruining this?
Elisha says
Hi I’m in a friends with benefits situation at the moment it’s been nearly 5 years since it started, and was started by him, towards the beginning of this year I told him I had feelings for him over a message, he came round to talk about it but I was to stupid and didn’t talk about it with him, then a few months ago things came to a head and I said I need to know where I stand asked him was it just about the sex for him he said no, I told him that if it’s just about sex I can’t do it anymore and feeling the way I do about him can’t be around him basically I can’t stop the sex and just be friends he said let’s just take 1 day at a time but wouldn’t tell me how he feels, he says things that make me think he feels the same but then his actions say other wise I’ve told him to be up front and honest with me as I don’t wanna get hurt, he said he won’t hurt me and would be honest but I don’t get why he can’t just tell me if he feels the same or not, I called it a day quite a few times and every time I’ve told him that I can’t do it anymore he comes round we talk and I’m back to square one again, and this seems to be a pattern now I have an episode and moan and tell him I can’t do it any more we talk and things go back to normal until my next moan ( yes I know I’m not handling it well) but I think it’s the fact I don’t know if he feels the same or not, then I question my self if he didn’t feel the same I’ve give him more than enough opertunity to walk away and he doesn’t he always talks and things go back to normal it’s driving me mad please help
Lisa Redfield says
I think you have to decide whether you can wait until he feels the same – or not. But make a real decision. What drives you crazy is the fact that you can’t make a decision and stick with it, so you are dissapointed time and time again.
Katie says
Hi There,
I have a FWB that has been a friend for over 10 years. We crossed the line to FWB a couple of years ago. He’s made comments on spinning me around the dance floor once when I was all dressed up and we have hung out outside of the obvious. He’s made more comments that lead me to the impression that he wants more. I guess I’m just wondering if it’s worth the exploration to find out or not. I feel as though I get mixed signals. I would appreciate any advice. Thank you.
Lisa Redfield says
I always think it’s worth a try…fear will get un no where, other than a life without experience.
J says
Hey Lisa,
My FWB relationship was with a guy (let’s just call him Z) who is a genuine friend of mine. It’s been a whole year before we got into this sorta thing, before this he would always just hit on me and make harmless flirty comments that he finds me attractive. Before this guy I had another FWB relationship with another guy (let’s just call him N) of the same circle of friends. We ended up having feelings for each other, but it didn’t work out. Anyways Z knows about how N and I caught feelings even if we started as something casual. Z is a pretty straight-forward guy, so he’s not the type who would toy with a girl’s emotions just to get laid. And we were already doing it. And we’re genuine friends. And we’re really attracted to each other.
Sometimes we’d just hang out with no sexual contact. There are times when I’d catch him staring at me and he doesn’t even try to hide it. He’d literally sit beside me and just observe me. This is after we’ve had sex and we’d already be fully clothed. I was brushing my hair at the time and he’d just look at me with a slight smile on his face. Once he asked me what if he decides to court me. I didn’t answer him. i have feelings for him but I don’t know if he feels the same way. We’re not exclusive and he still sleeps with random girls and he tells me these things. I’m the constant one but still…I don’t know what to make of all of this.
Does he have feelings for me? What should I do? Should I keep showing that I don’t care?
Lisa Redfield says
I think he shas specifically asked you if he may court you…so that’s enough for now, right? Yes, I think he definitely has feelings for you.
J says
But thing here is…when we text he’s kinda aloof. He’s too chill most of the time. And he’s still flirting and sleeping with other girls. Is it possible he only said that because he was curious abkut my answer? That he’s just testing the waters? Should I stop seeing other dudes? What should I do?
Kerri says
Hi Lisa,
Recently I’ve started a fwb relationship with someone I’ve known since high school. However he has a child, and is moving to the opposite coast within the year to be with his son. I’m not sure if and when he will return. We agreed to not let any feelings get in the way, but we also agreed to not see anyone else while we’re having this fwb relationship. I feel as if I’m starting to get attached to him. And I’m not sure what I should do at this point. I have just gotten out of a 3.5 year relationship and was cheated on two months ago. I’m not sure I am mentally prepared for what I am putting myself through. Any advice would be helpful, thank you in advance
Lisa Redfield says
The biggest question is whether you can keep a long distance relationship with him, while staying calm and trusting. Only you know the answer for this. But I can tell you one thing for sure: the laws of the universe say that if you expect things to go wrong, and if you expect to “be put through” things like you said – it’s exactly what you’ll get.
So, if you’re going to do this – change the way you think and change your expectations. It’s the best advice I can give you, and it’s how I get everything that I want in my life – through adjusting my expectations and believing in them consistently.
Good luck!
Ashley says
Lisa,
I have had a FWB for almost 7 months, within those months a lot has happened. I just had gotten out of an engagement, and he was still in a relationship. This was at the very beginning of things. He did approach me first about watching a movie. I did give in, and we watched movies, he would sometimes spend the night nothing intimate about it. Then one night when he spent the night he kissed me, and I was kinda of confused and that’s all that happened. The following night is when the intimacy started happening, and that was around December. We did talk a lot more then too, almost everyday all day, and then it started to stop a little bit. Yes, this whole time he did have GF. Weird, and terrible I know. We still would keep on with our weekly visits no big deal, he also became one of my favorite people. I could act like myself, and we laughed all the time, and to me it seemed like we always had a good time. We also hung out with my sister once, but nobody other than that.. We kept it from everyone else. About a month ago, he finally told me he broke up with his girlfriend, but to me the news didn’t do anything. I just kept telling myself that they will get back together, I still had my guard up. Now we are going a couple months of them being broke up, and we are still talking but not as much everyday, we have hung out with other friends around, but nothing serious. We have slept over, with people knowing about it. He has also asked me drive hours away to see him while away at work, and I did! TWICE NOW! There I hung out with his work friends.. I just feel like I’m kinda stuck in feelings, that I’m sure about. I also want to let you know that we have been friends for a time, and all of our friends hang out together. So I don’t really think when we see each other, and we around friends it means to much. I’m also starting to feel like there is another girl coming into the picture too, but I can’t assume that. I have asked him about it, and he has told me they are friends. I don’t know if I believe it or not. I think I’m stuck in a situation and I need to know what to do?! Any advice!?!?!
Lisa Redfield says
I think that in your case an honest conversation would be the best solution. Just ask what’s going on, where you stand with each other, what his expectations are, and do it when you are calm, relaxed, and accusation/suspicion-free. This is the only way you’ll hear the truth from him.
Once you’ll hear the truth, you’ll know what to do.
Andrea says
I’m in a FWB since a year ago, lately he’s been more loving and caring, he even said he is in love with me. I met his parents, brother and other of his family members, I am sure they think we have a boyfriend/girlfriend committed relationship. We had the talk a couple times and his answer is always the same he doesn’t want to have a formal relationship. Sometimes I just enjoy the moment I just let it be, but then sometimes I want him to commit. It’s just that we have so much in common (music, tv shows movies, hobbies etc) we have a real good time when we are together. He said he is not going out with other girls but I am not 100 percent sure. I go out with other guys but I don’t hook up with them, he is the only I have sex with. I know he cares for me I can feel it. One day we went o a bar and a guy was hittin on me he was so
Pissed and jealous we got into a fight that night we stoped seeing each other for a while and then initiate the contact again this time he was cuter sweeter, that’s where I found out he does have feelings for me too.He doesn’t want to put a label to what we have because in his words he doesn’t want to fail me. Is he just saying what I want o hear to keep going on like this? How can I make this official ?
Meg says
Hi,
I met my Fwb just over 4 months ago online. His profile said (and still says ‘he is looking for a relationship).
He did tell me at the time and straight up he isn’t really looking for that but he would like a friendship with regular sex with someone. I’ve never been in a friendship like this but was sick of the dating scene myself so I decided to meet him.
We hit it off in most ways… and sexually incredible and compatible for both of us.
He contacts me most other days still through text or snapchat basically. Sends pics and talk about our kids and mates and social outings.
He is 6 years young than me and this is one reason I keep expecting him to say he’s met someone else. I don’t look my age, without sounding vein, but I know he hangs with a lot of other single guys and girls his age (a lot who don’t have children themselves) and he is always busy.
We have never gone out anywhere although he has mentioned last weekend while out somewhere that he wished he had of been able to give me more notice to get a sitter so I could have gone out with him and his mates that night. He often sneaks away from his outings to come visit me (yes and for sex) but never stays the night. He told me after the last time he snuck out that his mates said ‘oh we know you’re going to see Megs. My reply was what? They know you’re seeing someone and hey know my name? He said yeah of course… they give me shit and ask me if I’m going to marry you…
I have never had expectations of him but I do find myself surprising certain conversations, I do want to go out with him or spend a night camping alone even maybe. I get the feeling he is the type of guy who needs to be the one who makes that decision so I never say anything other than ‘hey, just know I’d love to keep hanging with you’.
He doesn’t like to cuddle on the couch so much but can be very affectionate after sex.
He recently just added a few fresh pics on his dating profile and is online regularly too.
Please help me put my head straight about what he could be thinking…?? I’m clouded now as clearly I have developed more feelings even though my guard is also up.
Lisa Redfield says
I think that he may really like you, but at the same time he means what he says about not being interested in a committed relationship. Who knows what’s bothering him: maybe he was hurt in the past, maybe he is afraid of the responsibility – who knows.
I think you should take this into consideration, along with your feelings towards him, and set your expectations accordingly, to avoid a heart break.
Sarah says
I’m sorry but I find this article really sexist for 10 years iv done fwb and always found the men trying to relationship me! Until this very recent one. My trail of broken men iv left behind suddenly tables were turned. So yeah women can do fwb fairly bloody easily until you end up falling for someone or they fall for you it’s that simple. Then it’s a where do we go from here?
Amber says
So I’m fwb with this guy (RW). I have always had feelings for RW. We’ve been fwb since I was 18, I’m about to be 24 in a week or something. I’ve also been in a relationship with a different guy (SB) since I was 19 and me and that guy are still together. RW moved to Alabama 2 years ago for 2 years. I thought he was gone forever. I no longer had his number, he didn’t have a Facebook, k thought I would never be able to contact him again. Until the other day I thought ‘hmm, let me try to find RW on Facebook one more time (thinking I wouldn’t find him), but to my surprise I found him!! We started exchanging messages and we started hooked up again even though I’m in a relationship with someone else. (I settled for the guy I’m with now cuz I lost hope I’d ever hear from RW again) after we did it, man the sex was way more intimate & more passionate than ever before. But anyways afterwards we sat on the couch watching TV together for a few hours until I had to go home. I want to tell RW that I’m in love with but I’m kinda scared/nervous. I guess I’m afraid of rejection. Please help me!
Lisa Redfield says
Amber,
I suggest you wait with telling him, until you see him for a few more times, and only after you end your relationship with SB. I wouldn’t start a new relationship while being in one, because the guilt you’ll feel (if not now than later) can ruin this new and pure beginning.
Sami says
Hey Lisa,
1I feel crazy retyping this as truthfully I feel like I know what I should do. I guess I’m typing because maybe someone else can read it and it will help them.
I met J last summer. He agoes to school an hour+ we have the same home town. we never dated. He was the first person to ask how I felt about him.At the time I was talking to a lot of people so I wanted it just to be sexual.He went back to school and I dated someone. That ended quickly. Winter time J and I continued on. This summer I asked twice if this is all he wanted or saw it ever being. Not so direct but pretty much. He gave me an I’m in school speech but ultimately he said this is where he wanted to be. We stopped talking for maybe a week because he said he was wanting to start dating a girl(guess that ended quickly). Ah!! The fun part. I was not aware of how deep I was in this drama until he told me this. I had a melt down in front of him. He went back to school and I was able to recheck myself. At one point he began to tell me that I loved him. I laughed it off. Well after the sixth time of this I finally asked why do you keep saying this? He never really gave an answer. I got upset about this because theres no reason to talk about love when he clearly doesnt want anything further with me. Other than to be cruel. He texted love you and I told him he was full of it. I asked again why he keeps saying that and He responded that he knows I do because I’ve only been with him this whole time. He said this is what he wanted again(Just fwb). I haven’t seen him since I asked im if he really does or if he’s just playing a game. I tried to ask him in person but I was a nervous wreck lol he even commented that I was nervous? He has texted me but I feel as though they are only for FWB situations(home again). I’m assuming he actually doesn’t but I’m still reluctant to think someone would be this cruel if they didn’t actually care. All his actions say he’s just not that into me. I guess the moral or the story is when you realize you need more, even if it isn’t from that person, you should definitely just move on.
Sami says
Hey Lisa,
I’ve written a comment but I think it got lost in transaction? I’d really like for your advise.
Lisa Redfield says
I didn’t get it. Try again?
Amanda says
Hello.
My boyfriend of 5 months broke up with me October 18, 2016. He claimed there was no more “chemistry”, he doesn’t know if the newness of the relationship wore off yet gave me a list of good characteristics about myself & said he’s probably making a bad decision but he’s not mentally in this relationship.
I took all of that as BS because we always had good chemistry, sex daily, all those good characteristics of me yet we’re not together (really?) & then a break up out of the blue. Not the guy who was so eager to introduce me to his family, friends, & neighbors as his girlfriend or wanted me to join him on every family get-together no matter how personal.
I’m not going to lie, I was hurt; felt lied to like where did this come from? I came up with so many possibilities as to why things ended without warning: I picked up more hours (worked 13 days straight dbl shifts), didn’t have sex those 13+ days, another girl, his ex, his HS friend died–
NOW we’re FWB as of November 19th 2016 which was my idea. I refuse to buy a toy or play with myself for I prefer the real thing & besides he’s the best sex partner I’ve ever had.
I’ve noticed nothing has changed with FWB other than the gf/bf title & constant comminication. Otherwises he’s still affectionate & talkative, says “what I got you got”, I get dressed right after meanwhile he lays in bed like he wants to cuddle & talk, he still walks me out to my car & watches till I drive off outta sight, he gives these long hug embraces, kisses, asks me to text him I’m home, he still has some of my belongings laying around his house when he had the opportunity in October to put my belongings in a bag for me.
He told me he’s depressed & thinks about me sexually & about our chemistry often; still thinks I’m beautiful (I really am) & a good person.
I’d be lying to you & myself if I didn’t want him back. The breakup is fresh so I try to avoid eye contact, kissing, talking about us, calling/texting him, leave right after sex, he wanted to listen to love songs (our song) during sex but I told him hip-hop/rap, I try not to be so open with him.
Based on this background information does it seem like he’s in an emotional limbo…FWB only or relationship with me? What’s the likelihood this can blossom back into a relationship? (Even though we were together 5 months before that we knew of each other for his family frequently dined at a restaurant I worked at where he said he had a crush on me for the longest.) What’s your advice &/or tips?
Thank you
Lisa Redfield says
Amanda,
I can’t tell you whether he’ll want to get back to declaring your relationship as a gf/bf, but I do know there is a chance. Something is obviously bothering him or scaring him and it has nothing to do with you.
If you can keep up with this FWB while staying true to yourself and having no other demands from him, you’ll find out soon enough. The key is letting him have this space he wants so he can figure out what’s going on with him. The minute you start pressuring him to make a decision, he’ll probably run.
It really depends on you now: This is the situation. Does it fit you or not?
Don’t think of the future, don’t think of the past. Just be here now and do what’s best for you now.
Amanda (original poster) says
Hello,
Just wanted to give an update. As of 2 weeks ago him & I got back together. I just took our situation for what it was without talking about us & coming off desperate. He brought us up to become gf/bf again & I didn’t accept right away. Instead I told him, “If we do get back together I don’t want to be the couple that gets back together & then breaks up. You broke up for a reason & I don’t want that cycle to be a reoccurring factor. Also, you’re not clear if you want children or when? Just so you know I do so if we rekindle us just know I want children. No, I won’t rush nor pressure you, but you’ve got to know where I stand.”
Girls…I know we love these guys & are devastated when the break up occurs. Break ups are hard, but wanting him back for the right reasons are key. Lay out everything you want & looking for on the table. You’ll be better off you did. Don’t be afraid to have standards.
DON’T SETTLE!
Amanda (original poster) says
Guess what Lisa?
He broke up with me again! Yup, January 7th 2017!
We were off from work due to winter break (we both work for the school district). The last week of vacation I didn’t see him at all. This is the week where I felt something was off like he was resorting to his old ways….That inevitable cycle where the breakup is around the corner.
That Mon of breakup week was my last Good morning my beautiful girlfriend text. Tuesday I asked if we could meet up? No answer. I later followed up with I’m going to grab lunch & asked if he wanted me to get him something? No answer. He calls me says we’d have to reschedule because he has to help his mom with the heater (I’ve NEVER been over with the heater on). Wednesday he said he was going over a male friends house. I ask since I’m in the area maybe we can link up afterwards? He said sounded good. I called & texted him, but no response. Thursday I called & texted NOTHING. He lives by a farmer’s market so I went there, then decided to drive by his house. When he wasn’t there I drive by his gym. I get a text around 6pm saying “Sorry, I left my phone at my friend’s house and just got it back.” I speak to him later & he’s claiming to be sick. I offer to buy him meds & provisions. He thanks me & declines. Before if he was sick he still wanted to see me & have sex. Not this time. I felt I was going up & beyond giving effort while he wasn’t so I fell back.
Friday & Saturday I don’t hear from him at all nor did I contact him. So I decide to make a cameo appearance at his house Saturday night (Jan 7) I looked bomb!
Amanda (original poster) says
That Saturday (Jan 7th) he basically says he was just about to text me before I came over & that he doesn’t know. I said I already know. He looked puzzled. I’m like yeah, this is your pattern. I asked him if he loved himself? He says he thinks so. I tell him he doesn’t love himself, nor experienced love growing up, so you don’t know how to love. He was quiet.
I wanted my pillowcase & his tax preparer & he wanted his scarf so we agreed Sun (Jan 8th) to meet up to exchange. He walks me out to my car even though I tell him it isn’t necessary. He watches me drive off.
Sun (Jan 8th) we meet up after 7pm to exchange our belongings. Had over a 2 he conversation. Lisa, I tell you he didn’t have a legitimate reason for the breakup. I told him we all have days where we don’t want to talk to anyone or go out…Just communicate. I told him all of our stupid petty arguments can be easily resolved. I told him I was a good girlfriend: gave him space, supportive of his music (he wants to be a rapper), made things convenient for you, you said it yourself the sex is good. I said before we got back together I told you I don’t want to make up to break up cycle. Everything I said he agreed, or said you’re right, or when you put it that way, or I didn’t think/see it that way.
He tells me he still thinks I’m beautiful & I’m a good person & that he has nothing negative to say about me. I told him this time around I know it’s not me & all him! He says he’s probably making a mistake & it’s probably him he just doesn’t know why he feels this way. I asked him how long has he felt this way? He doesn’t know (Smh) So I ask NYE? He says no. I ask Christmas? He says no. I said if you felt this way before Christmas then we had no reason rekindling our relationship & pretending by buying Christmas gifts, Christmas Eve with your family & ringing in 2017. He was quiet. He gave me 3 long hug embraces & asked me when I’ll have surgery (like why do u care?) He gave me compliments on how I looked. He walked me to my car & watched me drive off.
It’s been 23 days of NC. Not gonna lie. I hope he thinks of me & feels he made a mistake. I wouldn’t take him back again because clearly he doesn’t know how to do relationships, immature, feels the grass is greener, or with someone else. But despite ALL of that do you think he’ll contact me?
Lisa Redfield says
I don’t know Amanda. But you have to take this time to focus on yourself, and not wait for him to contact you. The more you wait, the less chance he’ll do that. Distract yourself, focus on yourself, don’t analyze, dig into the past, just live your life day by day and the answers for everything will come to you. They can’t come if there’s no room in your head because of constant thinking.
Amanda (original poster) says
Your right… How’d you know I’m ALWAYS thinking & over analyze? Lol
I have been improving myself during these 31 days of NC by selling my old car, going on 4 job interviews, cutting my hair, told by nearly everyone I’m losing weight, and applied for my 2nd B.S. degree.
Krissy says
So, I’ve got this guy that’s my fwb, but we also work together. We started foolin around a couple months after he got out of a relationship and I was well on my way out of one. After about 2 months of hooking up about once a week, we were having sex and he literally asked me if I had ever thought about ‘us’. I didn’t answer and he asked me again. So I asked him had he and he said he didn’t want a relationship anytime soon but like in the future. He’s a chill guy to be around. We have casual conversations about work and having a 3some. That’s literally all its been. We don’t openly flirt at work, but ill send him teaser pictures just to turn him on at work. This is all fun to me. I don’t want it to get ruined with feelings. Im not looking to date, but then again.. Once he brought up that question during sex… It started to get me thinking. But I don’t want anything to become awkward bc of working together. Advice?
Lisa Redfield says
Krissy,
I think that you should accept the way you feel right now and follow your inner voice. If you don’t want something serious right now, than don’t. As for things getting awkward at work, this is a risk both of you took the first time you slept together.
But you two have full control on how this is will turn out, and how positive your relationship will be, whether right now or after it ends (if it ends…who knows?)
Feelings don’t ruin things you know. If it’s love feelings, they can never do harm. Love can’t hurt, only expectations, neediness and jealousy ruin relationships. Never love.
Just my 2 cents. Good luck!
Finger chip says
Hey.
So I had a major crush on this guy since 5th grade. We had mutal friends and he lived in my block. One night all the roads were block and I couldn’t reach my weed dealer. I knew he smokes too so randomly asked him, we meet in for like half hour and smoked up. We connected so well, it was like natural, no forced conversation no forced laughs, genuine fun. We started doing daily, we used to meet up for a smoke up sesh everyday and go on long drives and countryside. After 2 weeks we started FWB thing. He told me before that he has a gf it’s nothing serious but he loves her.
The 1 and a half months we spend FWB we did it like daily, then we used to go get breakfast, he introduced me to his friends my friends know him too. He used to call me after I got home from just meeting him and we talked till the sun came up. He always said he doesn’t want to lose me. Everything was going good but I had these feelings for him and I couldn’t tolerate being a second option.
One day he was talking to me and his gf calls in between so he put me on hold to pick it up. It got me mad n we finally had the talk that he either commits or we part our ways forever.
It’s the third day and I haven’t talked to him. It’s killing me, I would really like some good advice on the matter. Thanks.
Lisa Redfield says
So, at first you were o.k with him having a girlfirend, and now you’re not. That’s o.k. It’s your right to feel the way you do.
He will now be forced to make a decision. What you have to be is o.k with what ever he chooses. His decision will not have anything to do with how much he loves you, or how valuable you are to him. He will choose according to what is convenient to him.
But stick to your decision, because it what feels right to you. Just be prepared to accept the result without anger or hurt.
This is all I can tell you.
Good luck!
Rebekah says
Hi,
I have an interesting FWB situation. We have been friends for about three years and he is currently going though a divorce and I just got out of a relationship of 6 years. He’s been married only two years. We’ve grown closer over both of our break ups. When big news happens I am the first person he tells and vice versa. We eventually decided to start hooking up. We had set rules, no sleeping over, cuddling, etc. and if feelings arose we would talk.
But I have been getting mixed signals. One day he will flirt and the next he’s very distant. Or he will comment how one girl looks really good but never tells me I’m pretty. I even joked one time and asked if had feelings and he told me no. We text daily and everything is comfortable with us.
I knew I had developed some feelings but they weren’t anything major until he told me he has to move 2 hours away for work. This news hit me hard because not only am I losing my best friend, but I feel like I’m losing something else too. I just don’t know what. When talking about him relocating he’s made it a point to say he isn’t dating someone 2 hours away.
My friend told me I should spill my feelings but I am hesitant to because I am more confident in him not feeling the same way. The whole thing sucks and everything was fine until this career change.
Lisa Redfield says
Rebekah,
When he says he is not going to date someone living 2 hours away from him, he means it. Don’t try to convince yourself that he actually means something else.
This is how he feels right now. When he moves, his feelings can change. Or not.
But this is how it is right now.
I think he already knows how you feel for him without you saying it in the exact words. But if you feel you want to tell him, than tell him. It won’t change his feelings for you in anyway.
Maybe this distance will be the best things that happened to you both. It will allow him to understand that you are his best friend, and he is attracted to you, and this is how it feels to be away from you.
Can you imagine that? If you can, it can happen.
Anon says
Hi Lisa! I really enjoyed your article and I think its great that you’re giving us all advice. I met my guy about a year and a half ago. About the second time I hung out with him and his friends I realized I was developing a little crush on him and one night we hooked up. After that first night he was actually pretty committed and would text me about every day. After about 2 weeks it started dwindling down to no communication besides texting to hang out every weekend. We’ve been meeting up about every weekend for almost a year now, but we always at least hangout for a while before the deed. All of his friends and all of my friends know about this little thing we have going on but I don’t know what to make out of it. Last time we hooked up it was extremely passionate and romantic and I’m more confused than ever. I knew I liked him when we first hooked up, but I didn’t know it would become a FWB situation. We have never brought up what we are or feelings so I’m not sure what the next step for us is.
Lisa Redfield says
The next step depends on what you can live with. If you can stay satisfied and happy in this situation, than let go of all expectations and future plans. After all, all we have is now.
If you can’t live without a definition of your relationship, than tell him that and ask him how he feels, while being prepared to except any answer he gives. Without fear. When you know how he feels, you’ll know what you want to do.
Amanda says
Hello, Lisa! I was wondering if I could get your advice! You see, I have known this man for about a year now. We have been friends through a first date, through being fwb’s and through dating other people. But, I can’t let go of being around him. People say that he is no good. He’s a jerk. But, I see a softer, vulnerable side to him and I enjoy spending time with him.
We hang out after we have our benefits, talk about politics, music, books, life. We feel okay with on another. After we do get intimate, I like to pull away and think things over and he likes to eat, usually. Hahaha. And, he tends to linger when saying ‘hi’, outside when we see each other, in the real world. He always kisses me goodbye, hugs me, calls me sweetie, sweetheart, honey (in the bedroom, of course)
I just feel like, sometimes, he wants more but he always says he doesn’t want a relationship and that he’s too busy for a relationship. I just wish I knew if he eas thinking about me. Especially, now, when he’s away on the road for work for two entire months. Though, he has agreed to photo text and talk regularly when he’s away and has been thinking about me while he’s away. In our fwb way.
So? Any advice? I need guidance badly. So confused!
Lisa Redfield says
Amanda,
I tend to think that every guy who says he is not interested in a relationship, means it in every possible way. If you can’t stand staying in a fwb relationship because you want more, the only way I can think of is to decide.
If you want a committed and exclusive relationship, tell him. If he refuses, you’ll have to pull away (and doing the no contact which I’ve also written about on this blog).
This will give him a chance to see how life is without you, and whether he wants life without you.
No guts no glory. If you really want it you’ll have to take the chance. If it doesn’t work, it means that it wasn’t meant to be anyway and the right guy is awaiting you somewhere else.
This is my opinion, and I hope it helps.
Good luck!
Naya says
Hi Lisa
So I met this guy, we bumped into each other and he asked for my number. After a bit of persistence I gave in. We started speaking, and we couldn’t stop, we were laughing all night and it felt as if we knew each other forever. We went on a date and it’s was amazing! We’ve been going on dates ever since. The thing is it’s always been sexual between us. I don’t know what it is, he acts like my boyfriend but it’s just sexual. Before we do anything sexual we’d go out on actual dates. However he’s been pulling away recently. I don’t know what it is. Like we still speak often, but not as much as we used to. And I’m slightly catching feelings, but I will not say it to him. He thinks I’ve still got feelings for my ex. Which i don’t. And I’ve said it too him. I mean we act like we’re a couple, he’s even met my family! I’ve met his friends and his twin brother.
I don’t know, I’m just confused. We’re even planning on going abroad together! Please help!
Lisa Redfield says
Naya,
Why don’t you just ask him what’s going on? You don’t have to guess. Tell him that you feel him pulling away and you’ll know through his answer and the way he answers – The truth you want to know.
Naya says
I would want too, I just don’t wana sound pushy. Ahh I’m so confused. I just feel like cutting him off. And even if I do ask him, what do I say?
Lisa Redfield says
It’s not pushy to have an honest communication with your partner. If you ask what you want without placing anger and blame into the conversation, he’ll feel safe and answer you honestly.
That’s the real challenge. Think what you would like to know and ask it without saying that he is “not enough this or that” and without telling him how this hurts your ego.
You can do it. Cutting it off is just running away. You can do better.
Anonymous J says
I started seeing this guy from work. As time has gone by I’ve seen him outside work more and more frequently. We’re both college students and I even convinced him to take a class with me. When we were going to school together, we pretty much had the same work schedule and I began spending the night at his house almost everyday. Now I tend to spend the night 3-5 times a week. We’ll occasionally go to the movies or to dinner. My problem is that in the beginning he told me he wasn’t looking for anything serious and about a month ago I told him that I loved him (we were a little drunk). I repeated it the next day however. He told me he didn’t believe me and I asked him if he would like for me to stop saying it and he said yes. I haven’t said it since. So what I want now is a relationship. I think he still doesn’t want one and I’m afraid to bring it up for fear that he’ll end this (we’ve been fwb for about a year now). I don’t know what to do. One big thing that bothers me is that I tend to reach out to him about 80 percent of the time. I do notice that when I hold back he’ll text/call me to see how I’m doing. I’ve questioned him before as to why he doesn’t call/text me and he says he doesn’t do it because he’d prefer that I go to him when I want to see him (he basically said he doesn’t want to lead me on). He’s told me before that he has trust issues and I also know that his ex will occasionally text him and although he says he doesn’t initiate contact with her, he almost always responds. I’ve met his friends and his mother. What should I do? I love him and I want to be with him but this situation is driving me crazy and beginning to hurt me. Do I let go because I love myself or do I hold onto this because I love him?
Lisa Redfield says
I think that if it’s been a year since you’ve started being together, and he still doesn’t want a relationship (although you already have one), nothing will change if you keep doing the same with him.
It’s driving you crazy anyway, and the more you wait for it the more it won’t happen. I would take a break, and tell him you want to take a break to figure out what you want.
If it’s meant to be and what’s holding him back is just fear, he’ll find a way to get back with you. If it’s meant to be, it will be.
This is what I believe, but it’s just me obviously.
Good luck!
Heart says
Hi Lisa, I’m kind of in a complicated spot right now. This summer, I met a guy online from a university app and we basically talked every single day since then. I met him at his house 2 weeks after and we made out. We’ve seen each other every 4-5 days since then and we hook up every time. Initially, we had talked about what we were and we both decided we were seeing each other and not seeing anyone else but we aren’t dating even though we hang out outside of the bedroom and go on dinners. Again, I’d like to say that we talk every single day, all day. Fast forward to start of university (we are both uni students), we’re still seeing each other until I brought up that we’re both too busy as school progresses. He asked me at this point what I wanted to get out of this and I told him, possibly a relationship but I don’t know yet. He tells me he’s just going with the flow and doesn’t know what he wants so we should expect less. After that, everything just didn’t sit right with me. I thought when he said to expect less he meant we won’t see each other a lot. But really he meant don’t expect anything more than what we have so we won’t be disappointed. I agreed and we continued on but I made the mistake of bringing it up again, and this time, he tells me that he just isn’t ready for a relationship and doesn’t want to hurt me. Before he met me, he got dumped by his ex gf who cheated on him. He says it’s not that he loved her that really hurt him, it’s that when she left him, he didn’t know what to do with himself because she was always there by his side. They dated for 4 years.
So we broke it off one night, then he texted me he made a mistake and got together again and I broke it off again ’cause he brought up that I should keep my options open. I told him sorry that I couldn’t do this and I decided to break things off completely. 4 days after that I texted him to ask if we could try again.
Lisa Redfield says
I’m sorry I had to cut your question short…
I think that he has feelings for you but is afraid to show them and afraid to make a commitment at this point. It could take him a month or a year to stop being afraid, The question is how good it is for you, and is it worth waiting for.
If you can manage to stay with him, without expectations, just enjoying your talks and your relationship, then I would say give it more time. If ot, break it off completely, without staying friends.
As for suppressing feelings, they can’t really be suppressed as you know deep inside. You know how you feel, even if you tell yourself not to.
I hope this helps and good luck!
Mikky says
Hi Lisa,
So I met this guy online, we have been FWB for 4 months now. I met some of his friends already at a sports bar on the second month. H e is living with his dad, however I just met his dad once accidentally when we were about to go to the pool. We watch movies, eat outside. I gave him a gift on his birthday then we ate at a restaurant. We always have sex whenever we see each other, and we see each other 1-2 times a week. We text maybe 4 days a week but just 3-5 messages. I started liking him but I don’t wanna tell him yet since I saw a dating application notification on his phone 3 days ago. So Idk if he’s still seeing other girls, but we never talked about relationships, or if we are FWB, or just casual friends, sometimes I ask him about some sexual experience in his past but that’s about it. He never kisses me in public tho like just one time when we were at the bar. I really like him but I know he don’t feel the same.
Lisa Redfield says
Mikky,
I don’t think you really know how he feels, right?
Maybe he thinks the same about you? Maybe he thinks you won’t be interested?
I would give this a little more time to figure out how he feels. Look for signs. Then follow what I’ve written in the post above.
Think positive and value yourself highly always.
Good luck!
Tonya says
I am absolutely in love with my FWB. In the beginning it was agreed upon and I was totally ok with just a physical relationship. About 6 months in he started staying the night, and that’s when I started catching feelings. He’s very protective, calls me all the pet names and everything. But then he goes through these Houdini acts where I don’t see or hear from him for weeks at a time. I have told him one time that I have feelings. That was about a year ago and neither of us have mentioned it again, we’re going on 2 years now and I want more but I’m scared to lose what I have by bringing it up again.
Lisa Redfield says
Tonya,
It’s a chance that you have to take, in my humble opinion. You want more, and you can’t deny it to yourself anymore. So if you don’t tell him how you feel and take that chance, than yes, you may lose what you have, but you don’t really want what you have. You want something else.
Do you understand what I mean?
The decision you have to make is either accept what you have and be content with it, or take a chance and tell him what you want.
By the way he already knows how you feel because you told him. He hasn’t forgotten, I assure you…
Good luck!
N95 says
Hi Lisa, I’ve been in a FWB relationship for 9 months.
At the beginning, neither of us wanted a relationship: he had been single for many years and didn’t want to commit and I just had got out of a relationship. But now it looks as we have become one: we text or see each other every day, do many things together, I know some of his friends (but not his family), we are exclusive, he says he loves me (more than I say it to him) and he says that the only difference between what we have and a real relationship is the title, and that it will come with time.
At first, I thought I didn’t have any problem with that, but now I am becoming very insecure because I think he maybe wants to meet other women, because he is very sociable and likes women (and flirting) a lot. However, he gets angry when I don’t trust him or ask him if he is lying, because he says that without trust it will never work.
The truth is that I am bored of this situation, I like him a lot but sometimes I feel like I am wasting my time, but I don’t really want to give him an ultimatum… I would like him to value me more and stop taking me for granted, what can I do?
Thank you
Lisa Redfield says
The answer is inside your question.
If you want him to value you more, you have to value yourself more.
He is reflecting your self esteem back to you like a mirror. This is how it works.
Work on loving yourself more, and he will love you more.
It’s the simple “secret”.
Good luck!
Denise says
Hi Lisa.I’ve been friends with this guy for over a year and in that year I started falling for him. Thing is I dated his close friend before I knew him but it was a really short relationship, 3 weeks to be exact and my ex ended it. We started flirting via text all the time and when we had our 2nd movie date we kissed. Eversince then I’ve been trying really hard to forget him but I can’t. I just found out yesterday from him that he’s into someone else and he doesn’t want to mess things up with that person. He once said to me that I should be careful because I might just start liking him. Which he has no idea about buthe that’s already happened. My question is do you think he likes me and he won’t say because I already dated his friend or he just wants things the way they are.
Lisa Redfield says
Denise,
I can’t read his mind…but from what you are telling me I think that he does want to keep things as they are. I would believe him and move on until a better time comes for you two.
jaslyn says
Hi, im new to this FWB. I met this guy through a friend we would talk but just as friends until recently that we started the whole fwb thing. I started to catch feelings for him & i let him know. He also told me that he likes me but to see where things go from here. Also he mentioned that he is scared of commitment. Sometimes he mentions things about other women & it bothers me but i dont tell him anything. He txts me everyday & asks me to hang out with him , but then days later he acts like if we are just friends. At this point i just dont know were i stand or what to do, and it has become really stressful for me.
Lisa Redfield says
Jaslyn,
The stress you’re feeling is because you’ve imagined a certain future and now you won’t feel o.k until this imagined future happens the way you want it.
He has told you that he needs time to see where this is going. He also shows good signs that he is really into you.
You have a chance to get exactly what you want, but only if you take the pressure and the stress out of this relationship. Not just by not telling him anything (he knows without you telling him) but by really letting go of the future and outcomes and just living day by day. Living the now.
The more calm and relaxed you really are, the more he can feel at ease to slowly commit and get attached to you, just like with the beginning of any new relationship.
I hope this helps and good luck!
Gawe94 says
I am currently still in a FWB relationship, it been going on for almost a year. We started out dating but didnt work out well as our personalities just don’t get along.
We didn’t talk for a while after the break up but then he came up with the FWB relationship thing because he misses me. I also missed him but i didn’t see him as bf material so i agreed to it and have been that for almost a year. Problem now is i love him and i’ve tried so hard not to let it show for a while now. I recently told him how i felt, thought to myself that it wouldn’t kill me to tell him.
He responded rather negatively to that, referring to what i told him as stressful and nonsense. So i told him that in that case i won’t be able to casually meet up with him and he told me that he doesn’t want to stop meeting up with me.
So now i don’t know if i should stop seeing him and just try ignoring him for my own wellbeing or just continue regardless of what i may feel??..
Lisa Redfield says
I think that you should do what you think is right for you, BUT while remembering that he means what he says. He is not interested in a relationship and if you want to stay in FWB thing because you hope he will change his mind – Don’t.
If you can stay with him without expecting anything from him – Great.
Otherwise yes, I would recommend moving on.
I hope this helps and good luck!
Gawe94 says
I know you are right.. it is probably the best thing to just walk away..
thank you lisa.
sweet1993 says
Hi! First of all forgive my grammar and writing mistakes cause English is not my first language.
I’ve got a problem. I am a 23 year old girl. I have a friend that our friendship turned to be a friends with benefits relationship (friendship without benefit lasted for 3 years) . We had sex several times and we see each other in the university every day. The problem is that he hasn’t call me for about a week!(except one short 30 second call. I mean last time we had sex I asked him when the next time will be and what day is good for him (because we always have sex in his apartment). He answered me he will call me but he didn’t. I texted him and asked him again. He shortly told me he will tell me later. Now it has been three days without any message or call. He’s acting weird because I don’t know what happened. Is he upset? Is he THAT busy that he even doesn’t have time to leave a message?
I am really upset because tomorrow is my birthday and I had plans for it. I bought a beautiful slutty dress and I was planning to spend the whole night with him but now I think he’s just ruining every thing. I feel stupid. I don’t know what to do. Should I call him again? Should I wait until he calls and explains about his absence? Should I wait for another 2-3 days and then call him and tell him how upset and depressed I am?
can you help me, please?
Lisa Redfield says
I think that he has panicked. He see that this can turn into a real relationship and as for this moment, he is not interested, probably because of fear.
I would defnitely not call him, and I wouldn’t wait for him either.
Make other plans for your birthday and see where life takes you.
He won’t be able to avoid you forever. He’ll have to explain at some point, and he will.
If you want any chance of this to work, you must focus on yourself right now and live your life without considering him and making plans.
All this disappointment comes from us using our imagination and seeing a future that may not have anything to do with reality.
I’m sure he cares about you, but right now he can’t give you what you want. Lower your expectations and maybe one day things will work out better for you two.
Good luck!
sweet1993 says
Hi ! It’s me again. 🙂
Thanks for your advice. I didn’t call him. It has been like 10 days without any contact between us. I think our relationship has been finished. To be honest I feel depressed. I think I have been used. I didn’t love the guy and I was aware that this is just a physical relationship but he just stopped calling and texting suddenly. It’s a sign of disrespect. He even didn’t tell me what has happened?couldn’t I satisfy him? Did I tell something offensive? or he’s seeing someone right now? He could at least tell me he doesn’t want to have sex with me. :/
by the way, you think he will call me again later making an excuse?
Lisa Redfield says
I don’t think you were used. I don’t think you should think that either, because it’s only hurting you. You made a choice to be in this kind of a relationship and like you said you didn’t even love him.
Yes, it’s not respectful, but it’s probably because if fear. He just ran away instead of dealing and talking to you honestly. It’s a sign of weakness, but that’s all.
I don’t know if he’ll call, I think you should stop thinking about that and get on with your life.
I hope this helps and good luck!
Jess says
But let me add, he’s the first and only guy I’ve had sex with, and when we hang out we have sex and then we go our seperate ways that’s all.
Jess says
So I have been friends with benefits with this guy for 2-3 years already. Thing is, he is my ex’s closest friend, and at first he liked me a lot, like the first year. The fwb relationship started right after my ex and I broke up. And it wasn’t only sex, we would hang out too, and talk with eachother for hours. But now it’s not like that, we have sex, talk for 5 min and leave. Everyone that knows us always thought we liked eachother, this girl would even say you guys like eachother and u guys don’t even realize it. I do like him, I love him and I’ve kept it inside forever because i don’t think he feels the same, I know he used too. (He never admitted it but I was able to tell from his actions) but now it’s kinda different, he wasn’t only my fwb but he was my bestfriend too. We’re still close but not like before. if I know there’s a chance of us being together I would tell him how I feel. I’m just too scared of taking that risk Bc I don’t want to ruin the bond we have and make things awkward. I can’t even get into new relationships because my mind always go back to him. Every time I try to let go, I end up coming back.
Karu says
Hello!
I met this guy in early March through mutual friends and same interests. From the moment we met, it was clear that there was chemistry and mutual interest towards one another. We exchanged contacts and we texted each other a lot the first week…
Because I can’t offer stability, and he told me he didn’t want to wish for me once I leave for my home country in August, he suggested we give FWB a try. Since it was quite early in the relationship and I’m not once to get attached, I agreed… I am okay with long-distance, but he didn’t seem okay with it due to a bad past experience.
Things were great and we had plenty of fun with dates and the sex is amazing. There are, however, things that perhaps we shouldn’t have done. We were too careless and because we got along so well, the more we got to know each other, we started to do things in public as well. We started to hold hands, kiss and cuddle, even when our friends were around…
It was bound to happen and we developed feelings for each other. I was much more transparent and he could tell, even when I didn’t tell him, and I could feel his feelings through his loving actions. He started to worry, telling me he didn’t want a girlfriend and about three weeks ago he decided that we had to change things.He said that we were too much like boyfriend and girlfriend and so he told me we could no longer show public displays of affection like we did, or it would become hard for both of us in the end…
…When I met him again, I asked that we go to the place we last said goodbye before he decided to change things and there’s where I poured my feelings without regret (and quite in a silly way). I felt free. He already knew of course and he would smile at me, and we held hands before I asked him for a last public kiss, and damn… it was pretty romantic, haha.
Things seem okay for now, and I’m not awkward like that week when I felt down (except when his mother saw us again and greeted me), and we still hang out outside of sex, but without holding hands and kissing…
I really have no idea what he’s thinking… but maybe we’re just going with the flow of time? I’ve never been in such a confusing relationship before.
Lisa Redfield says
Karu,
I hope you don’t mind, I’ve cut some of post out due to length..
I think there’s nothing confusing here. You both like each other and have feelings for one another. You are not afraid of long distance, but he is due to past trauma.
This trauma and fear doesn’t change the way he feels about you, and he has a hard time “controlling” himself and reducing his affection for you because it’s hard to control it – For most of us.
The real test will be when you leave the country. This is when it gets hard. I hope you make it and that your feelings are not hurt in this situation, but it’s really up to both of you and how much you really want each other.
Right now, enjoy what you have while you have it, and reduce over thinking to a minimum.
I hope this helps and good luck!
Karu says
Hi Lisa, it’s been more than a year!
I can honestly say that having a fwb relationship really isn’t easy when feelings are involved and I would like to leave an update on my situation.
The following months after this post, me and my fwb became a little distant, mostly for the fact that he was pushing me away, afraid that I would cling to him or let my feelings overpower what we had. One day, we decided to meet again, I asked him since it had been a while since we had met and surprisingly, he had missed me. This happened two weeks before my trip back to my city. These last two days of us short distance was spent, trying to make use of the time we had left together and I could see he still cared deeply, especially on the last day.
After I left to the other end of the world, he still contacted each other, mostly dirty. I was still hung up on him and I was hurting so I pulled myself away after a few months talking online. In the meanwhile, someone started to pursue me and confessed his feelings, and me being the idiot that I was, I tried to give this new relationship a chance, even though I knew there was still someone in the back of my mind. Be aware that I did tell this new boyfriend about my past experience with my fwb. The romantic relationship didn’t last very long and I had to break up because it I would compare a lot of things we did to my memories with my fwb.
After a year of no contact with my fwb, he contacted me, asking why I had disappeared (I’m usually the one to start conversations). We started talking frequently with each other again but this time without implying anything sexual. Being the only person he relies so much on and talks about his private stuff, I later found out he had had a rough year and was currently going through a horrible situation, with me spending the whole night with him on social media to try and comfort him in his miserable state. This led me to spend my summer holidays back in the place where he lived and I slept at my best friend’s house. He was well aware I had gone for his sake and he took my surprise arrival so well, we spend so much time together just being friends. That time helped us bond in a way that we became very close.
We have a strong connection as close friends and there is still sexual attraction between us in which we offer to help the other when they are in the mood, doing what we can over the internet with the distance still there. We still communicate a lot every week, and he have talked about our future in the sense that I developed a physical problem that might not let me have kids and the fact that he might never find anyone as he doesn’t believe in marriage, so for now we rely on each other with these feelings of love and nurture until who knows when. I’ve come to terms with myself, I’m no longer paranoid and I’m focusing more on the present when I know I will have a harder time dealing with my body in the future.
Thanks Lisa!
Jade says
Hi, so I have been FWB with my friend since Jan 2016, and suddenly, the whole thing went messy and upside down this May.
I panicked, I am about to move to Venice for 4 months and I just wanted what we have to be a defined.
He is great, treats me like a lady and teases me that I’m such an independent lady. I’ve met his friends, spoke to his brother. We done everything possible any one in a serious relationship would do.
Then I asked the forbidden question, I asked for more, I wanted more, and then he flipped, said I was desperate that five months isn’t enough to know someone and why didn’t I just leave things the way they were.
But I liked him too much to leave it the way they were, I was gonna be away for 4-5months and I just couldn’t bare the thought.
Now, he is gone, doesn’t talk to me anymore, doesn’t call, doesn’t text, he just went blank.
I miss him, so so much. I want him back. We’ve had the most amazing 5 months and I’m loosing my mind because everything just fell apart.
Like he is gone! Like I don’t exist anymore! Like he never cared!
He took me off all his social network. Is t that rather harsh.
I’m so so upside down now and I have no idea what to do.
Please help! I want him back … So badly
Lisa Redfield says
Jade,
I think that if you really had amazing 5 months together, he knows it too. He may be freaking out right now, and he is obviously scared, but if you share the feeling he’ll get it at some point and regret his actions.
I would suggest, in your case, to do let him be and do the no contact rule for 30 days. Here’s my article about it, I hope it helps:
https://howtogetaguytowantyou.com/60-day-no-contact-rule/
Ericka says
Hey Lisa,
I’m not sure you’ll get this message, but I have a bit of a predicament. Five months ago, I broke up with my boyfriend. We were really good to each other, but I knew that at that time, we weren’t right for each other. Months go by, he drunkenly tells me he’s been in love with me the whole time, but then the next day he takes it back (who does that?). So I then initiated the no contact rule for a month. Recently, we made up and decided to stay friends, but the night we made up, we ended up sleeping together. I left the next morning.
He’s seen me everyday since, and we’ve talked about us being friends with benefits, because we both know that it could happen between us and since things have mellowed out and I’ve since felt less emotionally about him, it seemed perfect. Then last night, he tells me he can’t be friends with benefits with me. That he doesn’t want to hurt me, even though I already told him I’m not emotionally invested in him anymore.
I’m not sure what this means. Help?
Lisa Redfield says
Ericka,
I believe that when you’re drunk you tell the truth. I think he is in love with you, and I think that he is afraid that he’ll get hurt himself, not you. I think that you are the one that needs to decide what you really want with him: Is it friendship or a relationship?
Once there are feelings involved, a FWB relationship will not work. Both of you know that deep down.
Erika says
Hey Lisa!
It’s Erika. Thanks for answering! (I’m not the one who commented right after about having broken up with her boyfriend etc..) anyway, I guess a relationship just makes the person who we’re sleeping with exclusive.. I mean for me if it’s possible then I figured why not..
As for stds, he’s actually really insistent on condoms. He’s never done it with paid women without them and it took time before we considered doing it without condoms (we still do).
I guess it’s just I feel there’s a connection there and it would be worth trying, but I’m not in love with him or anything.. 🙂
Erika says
Hi!
My situation is quite different.. I’ve been in a friends with benefits sort of relationship with this Japanese guy that has a business trip to the country every month (or every other month). I can tell that he trusts me a lot cause he gives me the key card to his hotel room whenever he’s around and we actually have fun talking in the mornings.. Anyway, I’m not in love with him or anything yet but he’s a good person and I would be open to having an exclusive relationship with him.. But I’ve already asked before during one of our conversations why he doesn’t have a girlfriend, and he said at the moment he just really can’t think about it. So far for the past few months the only girls he’s slept with are me and some paid women (I asked due to health concerns) and I don’t know.. I just feel like we could actually have a relationship.. But I really know the moment I say that things will disappear.
Lisa Redfield says
Erika,
If you are not in love with him, plus he sleeps with “paid women”, why the urge to have a relationship? Is there something to gain from a relationship in this case?
Is it worth the risk of losing it all together like you know will happen?
I don’t know, it seems like not the best idea at the moment.
Also, make sure to stay healthy and use all protection needed, I would even ask him to be tested for HIV.
Katie says
Hey, for years now I’ve been on again off again with an ex-boyfriend. We started out friends- best friends, then he told me he liked me and we dated for only 2 month’s because we were young and immature, and I became too needy.
We broke up, and because we were in the same social circle, we remained friends. We hung out one on one more frequently, and eventually started having casual sex. This went on for about 6 months, then he wanted to stop and said we should never do it again (because of being needy).
We went a year without sex, then did it again one off. Another year passes and I get that same feeling again that he likes me, and we had casual sex again for about 10 months until we had a massive argument.
The argument was because I said “we were seeing eachother”, and I think that scared him. We went awhile hanging out in the same hroup but occasionally having little arguments, and things were rough.
I slowly got over it and we have slowly gotten better. I’m not overbearing, not needy and have realized my flaws that I pay close attentuon to.
Cut to present day and we started having casual sex again since February, once a week or so. He said he doesn’t want a relationship, and I believe him. But I’m also aware of paying attention to his actions more than words.
We hangout a few times a week then we’ll hook up one of those nights. I’m content at the moment. But I also know, like you said, you can’t force a guy to do anything otherwise you’ll push him away. So I’m being pateint but keeping my options opened. And I’m also being my happy relaxing self. I don’t go off at him for stupid things, I encourage him.
I hope I’m doing everything right! Fingers crossed!
Shauna says
I have a fwb and he was my friend first cause he was married when I met him at my job . he is divorced now . we didn’t start doing anything until he was divorced anyway we hang out and watch movies and have sex(with frenching) and he texts me everyday/night and sometimes even calls to talk . what my question is ,is this more into a boyfriend/girlfriend kinda thing or still just a fwb thing .. Do u think it sounds like he wants a commitment but is afraid (he’s been married 2 times before) .. Wondering if I keep up like we are if it will turn into a really good bf/gf relationship may b marriage..
Lisa Redfield says
Shauna,
I think that from what you describe, you are probably right. Divorced guys take their time before they commit to a new relationship due to fear and trauma. But he seems really into you and if you are patient and don’t pressure him, you’ll take it to the next level when the timing is perfect.
Good luck!
Tawnee h says
I wrote you awhile ago and I haven’t gotten a email yet:(
Lisa Redfield says
I haven’t received your email, maybe you can write your questions here in the comments, anonymously if you’d like.
Tina says
Hi lisa!
I have a very protective best friend (is a guy) and have been in a bwt relationship with his best friend. Both his friend and I have been keeping it away from our best friend. I always wonder if he has feelings towards me. For example, he was on vacation and would text me and call me throughout his whole vacation. I picked him up from the airport( he also braught me tons of souvenirs) He texts and calls me on a regualar basis. He always says good morning as soon as he wakes up and he always says goodnight. Do you think we are a bit more than fwb? Or do you think i feel this way because we are hiding this from our best friend? Do you think this can be turned into a relationship? I do have feelings for him but in just confused.
What are you thoughts? What do you suggest i do?
Lisa Redfield says
Tina,
Yes, I think that you are at the beginning of a more-than-fwb-relationship, and that’s great. You don’t have to know how you feel before you feel it naturally, there’s no hurry.
But, and this is a major but, I think you have to think hard about keeping this (both you and him) from your guy best friend. The more you wait with telling him, the more hurt he’ll feel.
He may feel really upset about both his good friends keeping something this big from him, and his reaction may cause harm to your new relationship.
I really suggest that you two talk about it and find a way to share this with him, before it’s too late.
I hope this helps and good luck!
Shaina says
Hi! Lisa, I have been in a FWB for about 5 years now. I had a serious injury at the end of 2014 during which time he really helped & supported me. We met up at least twice a week in 2015, whereas previously it was once or twice a month & he even bought me flowers and a small cake for my birthday which he had never done before. He had never given me gift before, whereas I had given him gifts & for his son also, whom he has with a woman he hates. He kinda knows how I feel as it came out once during sex, I said I love you. His reply was why? Since then I have never mentioned it again or asked why he said why. I always text Happy Valentines Day and this year he responded with you too. He does use the word we occasionally when talking about stuff that needs doing around my home.
But, now I feel absolutely heartbroken and alone as I cannot call him in the evenings or really text. We first started talking by text and speaking for hours on the phone, but now since the night we slept together in 2011 when he confirmed he did not want a relationship, it stopped. We have had some rough patches that I won’t go into right now. But, I am truly confused about his feelings . I feel he cares about me & at some level may love me as he is not seeing anyone else & neither am I. I feel like an unpaid prostitute. I feel I cannot carry on like this. I want to go out. I mentioned going to the movies , he told me to go on my own and that many people do this & he does not have time due to his son & work commitments
Please tell me if it’s worth my continuing to see him about once a week now or should I stop?
But, I am afraid of being alone and I do get alot of pleasure out of our intimacy. Having said that, the last time I felt used after he finished. For awhile now I wanted to put the sex on hold, but haven’t been able to as I feel I am being loved at that moment.
Thanks, Shaina
Lisa Redfield says
Shaina,
I think that if it’s been going on the same way for 5 years, the chance of him starting a real and committed relationship with you is not high, and I think you know it too.
At this point you have to accept that this is what he can give and this is who he is. Now the decision is yours, whether this is enough for you or not. But I wouldn’t hang on to the hope that he will change. He probably won’t. Then again, who knows? Anything can happen.
But you can only count on the present. On today. This is the situation. The power is in your hands. Make a decision.
I hope this helps and good luck!
M says
I forgot to mention something really silly, but for some reason it’s been bothering me a lot. The last two times we slept together and hung out he’s farted in bed and we laughed about it. I know that seems so dumb, but that’s actually never even happened during my past relationships. I’ve always been told that it’s a big step and that means someone feels completely comfortable around you. I don’t know, it might be a dumb thought, but it totally caught me by surprise. When we were laughing about it I jokingly said, “what if I farted?” and he was like “do it!”. Spoiler: I didn’t hahahaha. Maybe I’m just reading to much into it. LOL
Lisa Redfield says
M,
I didn’t publish your entire post because it’s a bit too long for here…but, I think that if you give it time you will both stop being scared and start a real and committed relationship. Obviously you are great friends and that’s the foundation of the best relationships, and where true love begins.
Good luck!
M says
Sorry for it being so long. I tend to do that lol. I just feel like we’ve already been doing this back and forth for a year, when do I decide to stop or say something or just give up? Although I’ve been able to deal with hearing about his dates and I give him advice no problem because I do want to see him happy, it does kill me a little on the inside.
Lisa Redfield says
I think that if you can’t take it anymore, I would talk to him about this. Tell him that you want the real deal and that he’ll have to choose. His response will teach you a lot about how he feels about a serious relationship with you (but again, I remind you that his answer will be impacted by his obvious fear).
Lee George says
He doesn’t want to break up once the divorce is finalized, he wants to defer talking about commitment until the divorce is finalized. He seems to think I still have some emotional issues to sort out regarding the marriage. Regarding the “high standards”, I notice we talk around relationships and expectations for ourselves individually but never personalize it to include whether he or I meet the others expectations.
Lee George says
My fwb is an old boyfriend who i lost contact with and got married in the interim. My marriage broke up while i was pregnant with my second child and he called me out of the blue about a year ago and we started to talk. He realised that i was having a rough time being a newly single mom and pregnant. He was very supportive during that time and listened to all my troubles never pushed for anything sexual. Sex started about 5 months ago and was instigated by me.
I’m in the process of getting divorced now and he insists that we not speak about “us” until after the divorce comes through but we have sex and talk alot but he never asks me out on a date. We are both professionals and are very busy and I do help him alot with the administrative side of his business. Early on he called mostly about business stuff but now he calls or texts just to say hi and we also talk and give each other alot of advice about personal issues. He actually said that i’m now one of the closest persons to him.
He says he’s not ready for a relationship now because he is building his business and he has very high standards for a wife but he keeps insisting i finalise my divorce because in his words, i wouldn’t like it if he was with me while he had an relationship with someone else. He also volunteers information to reassure me that he no longer dates anyone. And sometimes he says that it is important to him that i not think it is just about the sex for him. Based on our discussions though, I think I am the only woman who ever left him.
I feel like there are mixed signals coming from him. And I’m afraid of being rejected once the divorce is finalised.
Lisa Redfield says
Let’s start from the end: Why would he break up with you once the divorce is finalized?
I don’t see that happening.
But, I do agree that he giving out mixed signals. I would believe everything he says.
The most alarming thing about what you’ve said is that he “has high standards for a wife”.
What does that mean? Do you not fit his standards for a wife? I think that’s something to not overlook, and I think that he is hinting that he will never marry you, no matter how much love he feels for you.
That’s something to keep in the back of your mind, and see if that suits you.
On the other hand, everything and anything can change. No one knows (he doesn’t either) what tomorrow brings, so if you feel fine with taking this slow and seeing where it goes, go ahead with it.
If not, well, you know the alternative.
Never forgot that you are perfect and deserve the best.
Nina says
Hi! I met this guy 2 months ago. He is very different from the other guys I have ever been with, as he is very extroverted and talks a lot about everything (also about his exs), whereas I am very shy. He isn’t really thoughtful, and is almost always talking about him. He always says to me that I should talk more, as I’m very shy, but as we know each other better, I feel more confident.
He told me he didn’t fall in love anymore, and I just had broken with my ex and didn’t want to have a real relationship, so we started a fwb relationship. We see once or twice a week, but we talk almost every day, on Whatsapp or when he calls me to talk, and sometimes we play online games together and then talk on Skype for hours.
He asks me to see movies together, go for a run (he loves sports), go walking… He always wants to cuddle, and has told me he doesn’t want to hook up with any other girl. He has even asked me several times to live with him when I finish my degree (in 2 years), even if we are just friends then. The other day he told me he was afraid to fall in love with me and get hurt, and another day I was very surprised when he said “tell me you love me, although it isn’t true”. Why?? But then, even if I don’t bring it up, he tells me that he isn’t prepared for a real relationship. And depending on the day I feel he’s more distant and only wants to hook up, and spends time with his mobile phone while we are together…
I don’t know what to think!! I think I’m falling for him, but he is with me just because he feels alone and needs to feel loved.
I’m sorry if my English isn’t good enough!
Thanks
Lisa Redfield says
Nina,
It seems to me that he had true feelings for you, but fear of getting hurt is keeping him from committing to you. This situation requires a lot of patience, so you’ll have to decide if he is worth the wait or not…
Mar says
I met a guy online and in the beginning we both did not want anything. We had an incredible connection and our chemistry is off the charts. We both got out of a relationship that was similarly toxic but I 6 months before him. I’m the first girl he’s met and we text each other daily and see each other 4-5x per week.
The thing is though a. He’s leaving in a few months but now may not
And for me that changes things. I adore him, we both agree it’s the best sex we have ever had with anyone but he pulls back occasionally bc his ex keeps trying to get him back and even though he doesn’t want her I can’t tell she gets to him.
It’s too soon for him so I told him last night I’m not doing this much longer bc I know I deserve better. I’m batting way under my range w him but I think he’s creative gorgeous nice and a great partner. He also is drama free and creative like me.
I don’t want to lose him but I’m not ok w being a stop on the line or having him leave me for someone else. I told him that and he said he doesn’t want to hurt me and that if it does it should stop.
I told him it will stop when he decides to sleep with someone else and whether it continued or not I won’t be friends w him after. I just don’t want to be friends w someone who hurts women needlessly and I think he’s careless w hearts. I feel like I kind of broke my own heart right now and am supposed to see him over the weekend. Am I a fool?
Lisa Redfield says
Marissa,
I don’t think you are a fool at all. And you haven’t stated why you think he will go and sleep with someone else…did he say he’s going to?
Miss Anonymous says
Dear Sarah,
I have had a fwb for 5 years. I fell for the guy at first sight. He is much older than me. We have a LOT in common and so many great times with cooking together, laughing, talking for HOURS and DAYS sometimes. He is sensational in bed. We’ve been out to eat occasionally and we’ve hung around mostly at home. He does a lot of affectionate things for me and has a lot of patience and respect. He is totally sweet and loving and I’m right into him completely.
I’ve told him how I feel about him. We’ve had arguments over it because I get frustrated and angry, but somehow we always get back together. Sometimes I call him, sometimes he calls me for those makeup calls. We both apologise and we just cannot leave it alone.
He is an ageing hippie. He has only had a few serious relationships in his life and they weren’t that brilliant from the sounds of them. He’s used to FWB with distinctly short timelines, so this is a bit confusing to him as it is to me. He says I show him lots of new things and that he loves to watch my skin when I orgasm. He says he misses me and can I show him more affection? Can I cook with him some more? He texts me about how is my day occasionally.
He says he is looking for a soul mate. Someone from his generation that he is compatible with. He says he hasn’t had a relationship in 19 years and is a bit unsure he could do one without cheating. He doesn’t want to be boxed in and hates monogamy. He hasn’t slept with anyone else in 4 years and I believe him 100% on that score. I told him I would be so hurt by even one cheat in a relationship that it would be completely over if that should happen. I told him I don’t believe in soul mates, that you get the most out of life by learning and doing as you go. Most importantly, he always agrees with meeting with me for outings without sex and being sober too (though we haven’t done this for a long time, I’ve been too busy). He is very honest in his communication and really does come across as not being sure of what he’s doing.
The end of that conversation involved him saying something along the lines of he’ll think about it over time and me saying that I did really miss being with him and wanted to see him again.
So after telling me all this a few days ago, we had sex, then I went back to my life (I ALWAYS stay the night and have breakfast). He phoned two days later and was very adamant that we meet again, he was really hot for it. Cue great evening and me feeling on Cloud 9 for a day, now I’m dropping again because I don’t know where the eff this is going or why I have to miss him so much when I’ve been happily single for 2 months over the summer before he picked up the phone and rang me. He has texted since then, asking me if I’m well (this was the day after seeing him).
He is moving into my suburb soon. He had all of the city to move to, but has picked my suburb. I said “that means we might see more of each other” and he said “I know”.
Where do you see this going?
Should I walk?
Or should I set a firm time period of my own of how long he gets to have to decide he wants a relationship with me (say, a month or three)?
Please help.
I’m not interested in anyone else. I’m not interested in dating. I have a busy, fulfilled life already. It’s only this guy or forget it.
Thanks.
Lisa Redfield says
I think that you’ve answered your own question here: “I’m not interested in anyone else. I’m not interested in dating. I have a busy, fulfilled life already. It’s only this guy or forget it.”
The only thing to remember is that “this guy” comes with him limitations, which he has explained to you, and I wouldn’t expect him to change.
It’s either accepting him the way he is, or letting him go.
The choice can only be yours, I can’t decide for you…
Good luck!
Sarah says
Hello, my fwb and I recently met about a month and some weeks ago, we hooked up a few times but he left for vacations and it’s been about a month now, he’s coming back next week. And the whole time he’s been gone he’s messaged me about once a week, twice last week but it’s been more about him asking me to send him pictures and he sent me one this whole time. I mean I don’t mind sending them but that’s all he really asks for when he messages me. Sometimes he will ask how I am but I’ll say “good” and he’ll say “that’s good” and the convo will end… Though when we did have sex we spoke a bit after then I left. I don’t know what to think rn.
Lisa Redfield says
Sarah,
It seems to be that this is just the beginning of your relationship, and he is mainly focused on the sexual part of it…maybe give it some time and see hoe you both feel?
Katie Grey says
Hi, I hope you are still answering these questions asked.
I recently developed a fwb relationship with a new friend from my college class. We have friends in common and sometimes hang out together in groups. I just need a bit of help making him fully mine, in a happy relationship. I hate being in the unknown but I also hate asking for the answers when it comes to him. But I am not patient which I know I have to work on. Anyways, he and I had sex a few times now. And after each time I had other plans and had to go but he would ask me to stay, and chat for a bit. Also he told me at the beginning that “if it happens, it happens” meaning if we start growing feelings for each other then we’ll begin a relationship. Continuing on, when we text he would ask to hang out with me or to go shopping with me, or come with me to the gym. He always invites himself, which I don’t have a problem with. Also I like privacy and since we are in the same classes and friend group I want to tell him that I want to keep it private but I don’t want him to take it the wrong way. I also do have stronger feelings for him other than fwb feelings. But I have not and will not tell him. I just wanna know how he feels but I don’t wanna ask. I don’t wanna over crowd him and then potentially push him away. I just want to know the right moves to make right now so we could start a relationship. It is the beginning and I haven’t done anything to seem overly attached to him.
Thank you.
Lisa Redfield says
Katie,
It seems to me that you don’t have to do anything special to make this develop into a relationship. From what you’re telling me, he is interested in that too but is also trying to be careful and not chase you away.
But I’m confused: You want this to be a relationship but keep it private?
A real relationship can’t be kept private, because it shows that one or both of you are not sure about it.
You may be sending him mixed messages…
Again, I don’t think you have to do anything other than letting this evolve naturally, because it already is. I would think hard about why I want to keep it private and what that makes him feel.
Good luck!
Katie says
Thank you very much for all the help and clarification. I want to keep our fwb relationship private, until it develops into something more. I would prefer that the less ppl who know we are fwb the better. Also should I tell him how I feel or let it just play out ?
Lisa Redfield says
Katie,
Like I said it may be too soon to let him know how you feel (showing him is enough, and you know many ways to do that I’m sure…).
But, if he asks you specifically to tell other people about your relationship, it’s a huge sign that he wants a serious relationship, and I would agree if I were you.
I hope this helps and all the best to you!
Katie Grey says
Okay thank you again ! And yes I do know how to show him 🙂 Your advice was very helpful and insightful. I will just wait for him to tell me how he feels. Also If he wants to tell people then I will agree. Thanks again.
kay says
So I HAD a fwb at work. He is my age and pretty tall. Before we had become the FB type, we were just friends. I’d make jokes about seeing him naked (I have a pervented side for being a girl). At first he told me he thought it was flattering but he wouldn’t mess with another guy’s girl. Then about 2 weeks later, (when the bf and i ended) he told me he wanted the same. About 3-4 months that’s all we did. At work, at his house, in his truck. You name it. Problem one was everyone in our department knew.. and it annoyed me really. I like things to stay between us, but it hardly did. At work, he’d sit with me and talk to me about girls he was talking too from some dating website. He’d show me pictures. Putting the new found crush feeling aside, I would focus on his “wanting to date” a website girl. He’d tell me what was going on and show me conversations. For some reason girls didn’t get him. He is a kind guy. Can be a hot head, but he is very modest. If a guy hit on me at work, he’d get jealous. My attention would go else where, he’d be upset. If I flirted with a guy he’d stand beside me. I started to stupidly fall for him. I understood him. I really enjoyed his company. He texted me regularly. Every morning I got a “good morning” text, at work we had a casual conversation with maybe a joke about having sex and when the one left, we’d tease each other. Then stupidly again I told him through text how I felt. He cornered me in text on what it is I had on my mind. He said he was flattered but only wanted to be friends. I was hurt, but not letting him know that I told him I was cool with it. We remained the FWB for a little while longer. I let the feeling case away realizing it was merely the attention I craved. We stopped the FB relationship since he said he didn’t like my sarcasm in text. Now at work, he jokes with me but not in a sexual matter. I pretend like we never did any thing. He tells me he likes being my friend. After reading your article I realized I should have never told him. The only reason why I did was our other co workers told me he liked me more but wanted me to get over the ex, which took no time. The others told me a lot of what he said about me. Good things. And I realized again I shouldn’t trust just anyone. I’ll be honest , I do miss the pictures, hand holding and his texts.
Jessica says
Hi Lisa,
Jessica here again. So there has been a twist in my love life. His ex girlfriend. The one he dated for three years and he was totally hung up on and had a very toxic relationship with, just came back into the picture. We have been spending two nights a week together now. He invited me over on Sunday. We spent the whole day just hanging out, playing chess (he was super excited to teach me). And he was very affectionate the whole time. At one point I could tell he was a little nervous, he said he had a story to tell me. He said his ex had contacted him, after no contact for three years. He said he feels like he got some closure and he sees that relationship now as toxic and unhealthy. I asked if he would ever get back together with her and he said no…I am just worried because A) Did he bring it up because he felt guilty and I should know? B) Did he bring it up to tell me he may be seeing her again? C) That he likes talking to me and wanted my input? I don’t know. She said in her message to him that she is now divorced, but claims that’s not the reason she contacted him. After our little talk (literally lasted 5 minutes) we had a great night. Last night however, probably because I am being insecure, I asked him to hang out and I could tell he wasn’t in the mood, even though we continued texting and joking and flirting….We still haven’t defined what we are, and honestly I don’t want to have that talk either. It would ruin the romance. I have mostly taken your advice to just go with the flow at his own pace…I just keep thinking in the back of my head…is this all I’ll ever be to him, or does he want more? On Saturday night I went out with friends, and after a couple drinks, stupidly texted him being all lovey….I apologized the next morning and he said it wasn’t a big deal at all and I didn’t say anything bad at all….and that was the day he invited me to spend the day with him…So who knows. I just need to feel more secure and confident, it’s just hard given the situation.
Thanks Lisa,
Jess
Lisa Redfield says
Jessica,
As for him telling you about his ex, I think a+b is about right.
I think he may see her, obviously that’s what she called for.
But, it doesn’t mean anything and it doesn’t concern you. You can’t control things, none of us can.
Feeling secure and confident comes from within, as you probably know. You can’t get it from anyone else – Him included of course.
Do you believe in yourself? Do you know your worth?
This is the lesson for you with this relationship in my opinion. And lessons are never easy.
What ever happens will happen for the best of reasons and for your own good. Trust that. Trust your life process. Let go.
Everything will be alright (it already is!)
Lisa
Stephanie says
Hi, I had meet my FWB at a random party by making out with his friend! He gave me a ride back to my car after the party and asked me for my number for two years we were FWB hung out with mutual friends and then without. No one knew we were hooking up.(at least I don’t think so)… I then starting dating another guy and had to tell my FWB that we can’t do this anymore. After 6 yrs of not being in contact with my FWB i finally messaged him again. He was hesitant to meet up at first saying he doesn’t want to hook up with his exs(we were never a couple) but we did end up meeting up a couple nights like and it’s been 2 months now and we’re back to FWB. I have always had feelings for him. I even told him I thought he was the one who got away. Do you have any advice?
Lisa Redfield says
Stephanie,
What did he say when you told him how you feel and that he is the one that got away? His reaction is important.
Jessica says
Hi Lisa, Thank you so much for the quick feedback. I really appreciate it. I think you are definitely right. The only other thing I forgot to mention and actually this is what is confusing me the most….he keeps saying to “keep my options open”. In terms of dating other people, however, every day he’ll make a jealous comment about it. So I feel like he’s giving me mixed signals. Do I go out and date other people? He knows I am now on a dating site and it seems to make him want me “more”. Maybe because I am living my own life and not putting any pressure on him? Or is this a test of some sort. He likes to sometimes play those games, unfortunately. Thanks again, Jessica
Lisa Redfield says
Jessica,
This is just another symptom of his fear. You can see it contradicts with how he really feels – Which is jealousy. I don’t think it’s a test or a game, I think that it’s guilt that he is “keeping you” without committing to you.
Just try to focus on how he really feels (through his actions, not his words) and if it makes you feel better – Yes, you can try dating other people. It could actually be fun and remind you of your self worth.
Good luck!
Jessica says
Hello, I was seeing a gentleman for 4 months. I slept over at his house everyday. He often talked about our future. It was an instant spark and connection and to be honest, we probably rushed way too quickly. Around 3 months in, I could tell he was distancing himself a bit. In turn, I became more needy and clingy, trying to get back that love and affection. He called one day to say he thought I was too emotionally attached and he didn’t want to break my heart and I was moving too quickly. After one week of us not speaking to each other, he started messaging me. It seemed he missed me. He mentioned that he didn’t end things because of his lack of feelings for me, but because he truly didn’t want to hurt me. We ended up spending the next couple nights together. Again, I made the mistake a couple days after of being needy ( I asked why he doesn’t make plans with me as often as his other friends). I could tell he started to freak out and back away for a couple days. We saw each other again. He said he loves spending time with me, is extremely attracted to me and we’d still be seeing each other if I didn’t try to rush the relationship along. We hung out again, but again he made it clear we are “friends” not “seeing each other”. The next day I said I have fallen in love with him and I couldn’t see be friends with him for awhile, that I needed space. He seemed very upset. Since then he’s been calling me, messaging me, wanting to see me. I’ve seen him but I’ve been very cool. He hasn’t mentioned being together-in fact he’s talked about our situation and referred to it as “friends”. And I’ve decided I am going to see other people. I’ve told him this. He does seem jealous and he invited me over last night after I had cancelled a date with someone else. When we spend time together we cuddle, we talk, we laugh, we go out for drives, play with my dog, he confides in me. I always spend the night- always at his insistence. He loves snuggling 🙂 When we aren’t together he messages me silly little jokes, flirts, etc. He was single for three years before I met him. By that I mean no sex or relationships of any kind. I feel like he does have feelings for me, because he’s said numerous times to just let it be naturally and not pressure it, but I feel like he is scared…I’m still going to see him, but I definitely notice when I back off a bit, he comes closer. He never talks about dating other women, and last night he assured me “I have nothing to worry about, because women aren’t into him (ha) ) I just don’t know what the next step is to hopefully turn into a relationship some day. I suppose be cool with the situation? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Interestingly enough (may seem corny) I saw psychic yesterday and she said he is very scared and the reason is because I remind him ALOT of his ex-girlfriend, and that relationship ended very badly, which is why he was single for three years. I told him this last night and he was very silet when I told him and did not deny it….so who knows. Thanks, Jessica
Lisa Redfield says
Jessica,
I think that you know exactly what to do and the answer is in your question. He is asking you to give him time and to avoid defining things for a while. I know it’s hard for you, but is it not a doable thing?
Yes, he is obviously scared. Why don’t you try to take it slower and let him ease into something that obviously scares him?
I think that if you’ll have a bit of patience you’ll reap the benefits.
I think you know it too. You just have to actually do it now.
Good luck!
Myrna says
Dear Lisa,
I have what I think is a friend with benefit scenario with a nice guy (oddly enough) that I meant on-line. He messaged me showing interest back in April ’15 and we finally met in June when I went to his place. I know it was not exactly the safest thing to have done but, since he stated in his profile that he is/was a fireman, paramedic and had obtained his Bachelor’s degree I felt safe. The same day we met, we had small talk and had sex. When I left later that day, he messaged me that he had fun and would like to see me again. I was thrilled. We have been seeing each other almost regularly at least once a month ever since. I always go to his place, we hang out, watch a movie, talk, laugh (he has an adorable doggy that we both enjoy) and then we have mad, passionate sex. At this point, of course, I have developed feelings for him. I don’t say anything to him and he doesn’t say anything to me either. Occasionally he will throw some hints, like stating that we can’t be together once he becomes famous. but, joking around that he will become famous. He mentions that he had a female guest come over and will then say, it was my mother. He told me that he misses me while we are intimate. We have a real connection when we are intimate. He is 13 years younger then me. When we watch a movie he sits beside me and we cuddle up one way or another. We have fun, some times rough play though but, it’s all part of the fun. He will contact me and ask me what I’m doing. I know that he wants to see me. It’s never at 2am when he does this. We have some conversation about our family members, and what is going on with our family, lives but, I do feel we need to learn more about each other. I feel that we both like each other though not entirely sure. Last time we were intimate we cuddled. He caressed me as I did him. Anyway, I’d like to ask what you think of this relationship and if anything serious can come of it. At least what you think from your experience. I have not asked him what he feels for me nor have I shared with him what I feel for him. This is more of a mature type of connection. We don’t communicate daily, we both need our own space, that’s clear. We do feel eager to see each other again when the time comes. I have shared with him that I don’t sleep around.
I would appreciate your reply/opinion on this.
Thank you. 🙂
Kyndal says
I have been friends with this guy for about two years now and we have become really close, best friends. We started hanging out a lot more and becoming fwb about 3 months ago. At first we would only hang out at his place just me and him alone but then we got to the point of also hanging out with all of our friends together and not being ashamed of people knowing about our fwb relationship. The only problem I have is that I agreed with him in the beginning before we started hooking up that we would only be fwb. I ended up catching feelings now and I’m not sure if I should tell him or not? I would be so hurt if I lost him. We have such a good friendship and we have fun with each other all the time! The strange thing is, he doesn’t want a relationship, or so he said in the beginning, but he flirts with me in public and around friends and even kisses me, and all of the things a boyfriend would do. I am extremely confused by his actions. What should I do?
Lisa Redfield says
Kyndal,
I think that from what you’re telling me, he is in the process of becoming your boyfriend, he just hasn’t declared his feelings for you, and it’s fine!
I would NOT tell him how I feel at this point, even if you feel it’s really hard.
Let him get there on his own, without pressure, and he will make the first step soon – If you let things roll and just keep having fun the way you do.
There’s no reason that you’ll lose him. Just be patient and let it come from him. It’s worth it, no?
Good luck!
Lynn says
Hi, i’ve been friends with my friends brother for almost 4 years. Him and I became fwb and for a whole year we were doing so, we lost it to eachother and such. 3 months later he cut things off when i confessed my feeling for him and said that he was using me and that its time to move on even though when we first started it he confessed feelings for me but didnt want to get into a relationship so that it would ruin his education. Then shortly after he ended it he got a girlfriend and stayed with her for 6 months before breaking it off. Then he started flirting with me again and im not sure what to do. Help?
Lisa Redfield says
Lynn,
Unfortunately I think he was telling you the truth. It may sound awful, but he did you a favor. There’s a lesson to be learned here – About yourself.
Now “the universe” is checking to see if you’ve learned the lesson.
Do you really want to be in the same place again? Do you really want to feel the way you did when he stopped things? Because I’m almost sure it’s going to happen again.
Maybe it’s time to love yourself enough to avoid this black hole again? 🙂
Neha says
Dear Lisa,
I have been FWB for now 6 months now with a really nice guy. We have been friends before FWB for almost 6yrs. Initially it was good since no one had a clue about it. But then a few friends had a doubt since we used to hang out alot and confronted us, and we told them about it. Now since the past 2 months we have been having small arguments and fights over little things. We had decided that we wouldn’t get into a relationship since both of us had recent breakups before we became FWB. But he confesses that he had a little feeling but then denied it since he knew it was wrong and against what we had agreed upon. Now i think i feel the same. I can’t tell him because he doesn’t want a relationship. The problem is that he wants to give his ex another chance though the sole reason for their breakup was her. She has a doubt about us and completely hates me, thus manipulating him in thinking wrong about me. We are too emotionally attached since both have been involved in each other’s lives for a while now. His friends have also told him that if he wants to give his ex another try, he should but not to put his 100% into it but i think he is. Knowing the reasons for their breakup, I personally feel that she is just using him whenever she is in town for the weekend. She hasn’t even informed her parents about the breakup and it has been 9 months. We recently had a huge fight and he wanted to stop this but we both are not ready to let go. We then had a talk and have again set rules again that we shall not be seen in public much like we used too, that we shall meet when there is no possibility of his friends coming over and that we shall not spend so much time together, although we do text very frequently. He doesn’t even want the world to know that we are still in touch with each other much. What do you think I should do? Cause I’m completely confused as to let go or hang on for the amazing sex!!!
Lisa Redfield says
Dear Neha,
I think that you have to connect with your inner feelings and listen to your inner voice. If it’s mainly the sex that interests you, you shouldn’t mind what he does with his ex. If you have real feelings for him, I think that you could get hurt by just standing aside as he tried to reconcile with his ex.
If you are in love with him, I would back off and let him know that you won’t be having sex anymore if he is back with his ex. You can try and wait it out and be there for him when he gets dissapointed again by his ex. Maybe he needs this second round with her to realize that it doesn’t work and to get closure – Finally.
I hope this helps and hang in there. Everything happens for a reason and for the best.
Lisa
mLissa says
Hey my fwb and I met online, he approached me, first he acted as a dick head we stopped talking then a few days later he started messaging me again saying we should catch a movie and that his interested in me. I decided that I’ll give him that chance but then I realised we connected alot sexually I visited him and we had sex but I didnt want to do it again. Asked me to come over again I refused we had a fight and ceased to communicate. A few weeks go by and I go out with friends and a few guys early in the morning I bump into him I tried ignoring him but came straight up to me and tried talking to me and grabs my hand but everything ended up with the guys trying to fight which I understand. Then he tried to talk to me again.
A month later we started talking again all I wanted was sex all he wanted was sex. All we did was have lots of sex. His single im single too. He seemed very gaurded doesn’t smile alot but every now and again I’d find out things about him that make him the way he is. You find that whenever we have a decent conversation we would chat nicely but it would change suddenly and he would change into a pervert and the conversation would stop there. Which irritates me alot. I like the pervertness it’s what attracted me to him in the first place. He would ask me all the time where was I, when was the last time I had sex before Ieven went to his place.
Everything had been going well but he has everything I want in my ideal guy. And I think I want to pursue a relationship with him but what makes it worse is that next month his leaving and going over sea’s. A friend of mime knows about him and apparently his friends know about me. Thing is I don’t want to regret not telling him, my friemd says tellhim, my brain says don’t and my heart says you don’t want to regret not telling him..
Lisa Redfield says
There’s something that doesn’t add up in what you’ve written. I would ask you if you are sure that you’re in love with him and that’s why you want a relationship, or is it just that you’ve decided that “he is my ideal guy” from your head and not from your heart?
Do you understand my question?
If you are really in love with him, I would tell him. I would take the risk, but also be prepared for all answers.
Good luck!
Aesha says
How can i delete my comment?
Lisa Redfield says
It’s alright, I have deleted it.
Nadem says
I read your article and it was really helping.. Interesting, my story is bit different.
Am muslim Arabian girl 24 years old i think am good looking too, the guy is Italian 32 years old and single he works in jordan where i live and i met him through a german friend it was sudden i went to their place as i needed to sleep over somewhere i couldn’t back home and that german guy wanted to help me, the moment that Italian guy (my guy) caught my eyes it was like bomb inside me i dont know how i felt but it was really wired we were setting at the living room and he came to set with me and we talked till everybody in the room left to sleep, he was telling me how cute i look and i was just out of space thinking is he really talking to me! In the same night we had sex i was virgin and i lost my virginity with him (he mentioned that this is special for him) its been now 2 months and we have sex every often he treats me very nice we talk a lot on bed, laugh and cook together when we hook up he cuddle me till next morning. But we barely text we don’t call , we just agree on a day and i come to him we have good time and sex and i leave next morning, he took me out twice only and it was nice. He mention to me that he know some girls but am the only Arabin girl and he like sex with me so much, we take photos while naked after we done sex and he keep them at his phone, problem now is that am sooo in love with him i thought it maybe a crush and will go away but it never i love him so much but cant tell him i dont want to lose him it will hurt me even more. And being with him hurting me also as i always think this may be the last night or for sure couple of months he will back to his country for good , also i think he will find a nice girl soon and stop talking to me. Am so tired and depressed i love him and anytime he ask me to come i would cancel everything even my work to come to him. I am not sure if he feel that i have feelings for him but i do so much efforts for ex. His birthday i was the first to come with a nice gift i actually came one day before cz i knew he will have a party and maybe wont invite me and it was true he didnt.
I dont know.. I dont know much about Europe guys , i dont know what should i do. Its really a big deal in my culture if am not virgin i can never marry anyone or maybe killed, i dont care though i wanted that with him so much its just we vibe.. Please advise me with the matter.
Many thanks
Lisa Redfield says
Nadem,
Your story is very complicated…I’m not enough of an expert to advise you, but I would tell you that I’m sure he is not trying to use you and I’m sure he has all the best of intentions, but you took a chance with him (and you feel he worth it) and taking a chance means knowing that you may NOT get what you planned.
He is older with much more experience, and he may think that you cultural differences make it impossible for him to have a relationship with you, who knows what’s in his mind…
I think that you may want to accept that this story will probably come to an end when he leaves (plus he has told you that he has other girls!) and to be ready for it as much as you possibly can.
The most important thing to do NOW, it to specifically ask him to delete you nude pictures from him phone!
We live in an era when this is just NOT something you do. He can take these pictures some day and put them online whenever or where ever he wants to. Ask him to delete them today, I can’t stress how important this is!
Keep safe and remember – He is just a guy. And you’ve built a fantasy about him in your head. But thge reality can be better than any fantasy and your whole life is ahead of you.
Take care,
Lisa
Scarlet says
Hi Lisa,
I have known my FWB for almost a year. We work together and became friends fairly quickly. Our personalities are very much the same (both ambitious, go getters, strong minded, alphas). Since the start of our friendship we talked abt my relationship (at that point) and his situation (at that point). We also always tended to flirt and say challenging things to each other regarding how we would be in bed (jokingly). However, it never lead to anything as I was in a long term relationship and I just didn’t think like that abt him (even though I would always tell my friend that he is completely my type). 5 months after we became friends my 6.5 yr relationship ended. He was supportive and gave me advise. a month after, we hung out with other ppl from work and we were drinking/dancing and we kissed. We never spoke about it or mentioned it even to this day. 2.5 months later we were out with fiends again and as always we were flirting and continued making those sexual challenging comments towards each other. That night was the first night we actually had sex. It was amazing. It happened twice before we discussed what it meant. We both werent ready for a relationship and that we will continue sleeping together when we both need each other but, we want to maintain our friendship so whenever is no longer conducive for either one of us we will stop and remain friends (this was what we discussed at that point). It’s been now a little over 2 months that we have been sleeping together. we have been talking more, hanging out more (with his friends and mutual friends). I also have become very close to his sister. n when he comes over we always either eat dinner, have a drink, watch TV or just catch up talking before we have sex and go to sleep. He always spends the night and cuddles. We also talk In The morning b4 he leaves for work and we also have talked about our past relationships and the fact that neither one of us have any intention to getting back together with our ex’s. When we hang out with mutual friends we act as if we are a couple. His hands are on my thigh when we are sitting talking to our friends. We tease each other and play around. It’s easy, uncomplicated and so much fun. After we have sex the next day he always texts saying how great it was and things he loves the to do and vise versa. I feel the same way.
I recently have realized that I seriously like him and could see us having something more serious. I think about him all the time and want more. however, I’m not sure how he feels and the last time we spoke abt what we are and what he is able to offer was 2.5 months ago where he said he isn’t ready for a relationship. I don’t know what to do. I have never been in this predicament before. He is the only person I have had a sexual relationship with that wasn’t my ex boyfriend. I think if I say something now it will break what we have but, I also can’t keep going on like this. I wonder why he hasn’t text me yet or replied right away to my text. I wonder what his up too or when he will come over this week. It’s becoming difficult to feel like this when I can’t express it to him. I am to much of a strong/independent woman to be feeling like this and actingike this. Something has got to give. I really wish/hope that he is willing to give more. Not necessarily a full blown relationship, maybe dating and see where it can go. What advise can you give me? How should I go about talking to him? Or should I not talk to
Him at all and just stop the benefits?
Lisa Redfield says
Scarlet,
I really think that you already have what you wish for. You ARE dating, you are getting closer and you both allow this relationship to develop naturally, without defining it, which in my eyes is always the best way to go.
Try to keep what you’re doing right now, and I wouldn’t ask him to define, categorize and make future decisions right now, until he feels ready for it. When he does, he’ll ask for it himself.
Pressure and fear always ruin everything. He may run away if he’s asked to make plans about the future and come out with statements that he’s not reasy for (even if inside he feels everything for you!)
You are already dating, and both of you obiously have strong feelings for each other. Why don’t you try to let it be, until it’s time to take it further?
That’s what I would do anyway, and I hope it helps. Try to enjoy the now, now is all we have anyway, everrything else is an illusion.
Lisa
Ana says
Scarlet/Lisa,
I’m in the exact same situation except it’s been 3 years on and off (sleeping with each other).. We work together and share a number of mutual friends/colleagues. When we first became FwB we agreed to be exclusive and 6 months in I knew I started developing more feelings for him. At the time we talked about it and he didn’t see this going anywhere. In his words although we share the same values, outlook, hobbies and interest there was no “spark”. He could not reciprocate my feelings (his words verbatim – clearly it’s stuck with me). At the time I let it be. I left it and didn’t speak to him for months despite having to sit abt 3 rows from him at work – it was definitely heartbreaking and one of the hardest times I’ve been through – I felt insecure, unwanted and rejected.
A few months later, I rekindled the friendship with our love of food and it wasn’t long before we started sleeping with each other again. This time, the whole rejection the first time definitely haunted me (and it still does). In my mind the hopes of us being anything have dwindled but I try to focus on what I enjoy – his companionship and the sex. We are both exclusive with each other and not seeing anyone else but as time passes I know I want more. Although things have changed – we spend more time together, we’ve travelled together, I can tell he is trying in his own little way and he even holds my hand in public (this sounds simple but it’s a huge step) in his mind his position hasn’t changed – there is no “spark” no “chase”. This guy is a tremendous nerd and friends have described him as emotionally stunted.
I care for him I do and I know he cares about me too but I can’t force him to feel what’s not there. It makes me incredibly sad thinking about it and I don’t know what to do? I’ve mentioned to him that this is been the most dysfunctional xxx”ship” I’ve ever been involved in and it makes me feel bad abt myself. That I will be relocating offshore because at some point I’d like to find myself in a relationship someday and I think I’ll have better chances there – he didn’t respond but he did hold me and tell me I am important to him. I guess it will help me get over him once and for all – physically removing myself out of this unlabeled whatever it is.
I guess I wonder if I keep at this will it organically grow into a relationship or will we always be missing that “spark”?
Lisa Redfield says
Ana,
Has he ever told you, in all this time, that he loves you?
Has he told you anything more than that you are important to him?
If not, it seems to me that he may never. There is no way to know if it will develop into a “declared” relationship (because it IS already a relationship – You have fun together, you are exclusive etc). Anything can happen obviously. Anything.
But it seems like he has decided something a long time ago and that decision is stuck in his head and even preventing him from feeling that “spark” he is talking about.
Bottom line is that it’s all about you and what you want. Say that it’s going to go on like this forever, is it good enough?
If not, maybe it’s time to move on.
I hope this helps and good luck to you,
Lisa
Ana says
Thanks Lisa!
I completely agree with you. There is something in his head I think that’s preventing him from feeling the spark which I don’t know how to change! Is there even a way for him to realize this himself? In very aware of the fact I can’t force anything.
I’m at a loss. In some ways I recognize this is a relationship but in others I really feel the gap and it’s making me feel like I’m in limbo. I’m not quite sure what to do right now. There’s a huge part of me that says just be patient to just keep it as is knowing that it will become nothing but there’s also a big part of me that tells me you’re wasting your time. I guess I’m trying to figure out what direction to take and what questions do I need to ask myself to be more comfortable with the situation?
Lisa Redfield says
This is a decision I can’t make for you…but I can tell you this: If you decide to stick around and take your chance with him, you have completely let go of your expectations. You have to make a decision that you’re putting this “limbo” aside for some time, and go with things the way you are.
If you can do this, his behavior can change too. If he feels you do not need it, and there’s no pressure on him, he could allow himself to feel, instead of focusing on whether he is letting you down right now.
Anything can happen, no on knows the future. If there is a life lesson for you to learn here, it may no be over.
Try to let it go. Let of of thoughts and analyzing, and from this “nothingness” there will be an answer. You’ll hear you inner voice talking to you and you’ll know. But right now you can’t hear it because of all the “noise” inside your head.
I hope I was clear in some way and as always, I’m rooting for you. 🙂
Ana says
Hey Lisa,
Things have been going fine and we were talking daily and I’ve asked him to be more affectionate in the new year after he comes back from visiting his family which he agreed to. During his 2 week visit back home though there was such a big part of me that felt really insecure and I withdrew. I recall things he said abt us being “different” which is one of the reasons why he couldn’t date me. Things he’s said in the past lingered in my mind, cast a shadow and caused a lot of doubt for me. From his perspective everything was going great until I completely went AWOL. I briefly mentioned “remember how you said we were different, well we completely are” and told him “maybe we should stop talking?”. His response was “is that looking for self validation??? or an indication that I believe opposites attract??”. It’s been about a week, his back from
Vacation, I haven’t responded nor has he reached out to follow up with me..
To be honest I don’t really know what I want.. I miss his companionship and friendship but I am also afraid of being emotionally attached.. I feel like the lines are blurred and quite frankly I don’t know how to handle the situation..
Mayra Hernandez says
I’m new to this whole friends with benefits thing so I’m not exactly sure where we stand right now. I have a daughter and I didn’t want to be bringing guys that I’d date around her in case they didn’t work out so that’s why I decided to do the FWB thing. It has been fairly good we usually go to a bar with a couple of my friends get a little drunk then go to his place have sex, watch Netflix, cuddle and sleep then the next morning I’d leave. It started being more than that when he came swimming with my daughter, me and some friends then stayed over longer to play with my daughter and watch movies without once asking for sex. We don’t necessarily talk every day although I’d like to but when we do talk it’s not just to hook up, we actually have decent conversations. I’m not sure if this is normal in my case and I’m not going to lie I have caught feelings for him though I will not admit that to him. I don’t know what to do so some advice will be very much appreciated. Thank you.
Lisa Redfield says
Mayra,
It seems to me that your guy is showing more feelings for you than a FWB because he hasn’t tried to run away from meeting your daughter and play with her.
It seems to be going well and sometimes the best way to go is without defining things before both of you are ready. Believe me, he knows how you feel about him even without you saying a word to him.
You can initiate talks with him, that have nothing to do with hooking up. Just call him up to say hi and ask what’s up sometimes (though not too often) and see of this encourages him to do the same.
It seems to be too soon to talk about feelings and commitment but you sure seem to be heading that way.
Have fun and try not to over think it, it’s the secret to happiness in my opinion…
Good luck!
Samantha says
I am fwb with a guy whom ive known and been like best friends since first grade and i i don’t want to b just fuck buddies anymore. The problem is when i said this to him while text chatting. His reply was omg!! How do u type so fast?! Seriously?!! I mean i know he has feelings for me too but he will never say it out and what makes it worse us that he is a very reserved private person so u can nver tell whats on his mind. Im so clueless help!!!
Lisa Redfield says
Samantha,
First of all, telling him about your feelings through text was probably a bad idea, but I think you know this.
You didn’t have the courage to say it to him face to face, and he has no courage either – Hence the weird answer he had for you. You caught him off guard, and he didn’t know how to handle it.
I would let this be for now and not mention it again. He knows how you feel now, give him some time to process it and decide what he wants to do. When he will, he will let you know some way.
Patience, everything happens exactly how and when it needs to happen, and for the best.
Good luck!
Samantha says
Omg!! He gets on my nerves sometimes. He keeps leaving these hints but idk he leaves it hanging. He is enjoying himself. The reason i hooked up was that im like Sheldon cooper n that guy runs a magazine at 19 so he wanted nothing out of it and me neither. He is a very private person. He has plenty of haters n even his closest friends dnt know abt us. I mean they do and keep asking him what’s going on but he just smiles. We met yesterday after that episode of awkward texts and id specially told him im specifically plz dnt discuss it n he was like u were saying something yesterday. Lol, i gave him a playful slap n ge was like lol u sure right. We got high later and had sex again just this time it felt like less sex and cuter. He told me to finish college fast and i said why planning to employ me and he kissed me and said because you won’t get this in college and i was like ur not the last man alive. I’m going away to college in 3 days. My vacations are over. He said he will visit and i will also. My college is just a 2-hour drive from home but we won’t b a text away anymore. I don’t want college to change things at least not when everything is so uncertain.
Shantanell Wilder says
Hello I’m sorry to intrude but texting him so fast is a turn off to most men they love the chase as well as a little wait slow down wait five or ten minutes to reply don’t be too available as well
Alice says
Hi, I have been looking around for experiences on fwb since Im new at this. Ok, so I met this guy at work, I have kids he does not and he is also younger than me. Im not looking for a relationship since I would not trust anybody with my kids. We talked and we came to the agreement of being FWB. In the beginning, everything was great, but after a while, I told him I couldn’t do this anymore because Im not used to it. He wrote me again after a week and we started talking again. I have to say that sometimes we made plans and at the last minute he just canceled them. Then we started talking every day, he would text me good morning and call me after work we went away for a weekend and when we came back I didn’t write him the next day he did. At one point he told me that he didn’t want a girlfriend because he is a player. After that weekend things got complicated he started writing me more but when I started doing the same thing he pushed me back. He knows a couple of my friends and insisted that we all went out together. We made plans for the whole week and at the last minute he canceled again but I was feeling weird because he wasn’t texting as much as before. I told him that that was not right and its not ok to make plans with someone and canceled at the last minute and besides it wasn’t the first time. After that, he didn’t text me again and I haven’t texted him again. We work in the same company different departments he used to have my account to watch movies but I changed my pass since he started to ignore me and it feels kind of bad. He is going on vacation now with a group of people including women. Sometimes he would tell me things like get jealous and tell me he was playing, he used to do that a lot. My friends tell me he is just immature but what I don’t understand is, what is the point in acting like you like someone if you don’t or why when I started writing him he pushed me back. I understand that since we were only fwb I have to accept that he may hook up with someone else but I know now that Im not ok with someone that treats me like a second option.
Lisa Redfield says
Alice,
Here’s the most important sentence you’ve written:
“I know now that Im not ok with someone that treats me like a second option.”
However, this is the FIRST thing agree to when you start a FWB relationship, and this is exactly why I’ve written that I havenh’t yet met a woman that will be fine with this.
I think that it’s a good thing that it has ended, because you started this to teach yourself something new about yourself – See your last sentence again.
Now you know this about yourself, and next time you’ll know better what to avoid and what you really want in your life. And that’s huge, congratulations.
All the best to you,
Lisa
Nittah says
hi? I had a very close friend,,,, after that we became fwb,,, I started having feelings for him though he had a girlfriend,,, I decided to tell him how I was feeling for him. he said we were just friends and we should remain that way,,,, I told him all he wanted was sex,,, and I wanted more than that which he can’t do,,, we text but I really love him,,, I just afford tp lose him,,,, please help me. I need him back,,, he went silent its now 3 days.
Lisa Redfield says
Nittah,
First of all, it’s a good idea to cut contact with him for a while.
You are correct, he only wanted sex, without any obligation.
I think maybe I would take this time to think hard about why I fell for a guy that cheats on his girlfriend and uses me the way he did. Could it be related to lack of self-love and self-appreciation?
Sorry, I can’t help the way you want me to, but I think the universe is trying to help you out of this miserable situation and I would move on as fast as humanly possible.
Lisa