It’s one of the most hurtful 3 words a woman in love can hear.
Until a second ago everything was fine.
You spent every minute together.
You shared a life.
He told you that he loves you and wants only you.
And suddenly your boyfriend wants space 🤨
What does it mean when your boyfriend wants space?
What went wrong?
Is it something you did or something you said?
The answers are right here.
Overview
What Does it Mean When Your Boyfriend Wants Space?
Does he REALLY just wants some time alone or is he trying to break up with you?
Here’s how to know:
Is Your Boyfriend Using These Excuses?
Guys seem to get very creative when they make up excuses for “needing space”. Here are some of the most common excuses:
- “I’m stressed by my work /my life /my financial situation”
- “It’s my first serious relationship”
- “I need time to think about our relationship”
- “I’m going through a lot of changes in my life”
The first thing you have to understand is that these are just excuses.
When your boyfriend asks for space, what he really wants is to love you MORE.
Confused?
Here’s why:
Men are wired differently than women.
While women tend to fall in love with a man because they are spending time with him… men actually cement their growing feelings for you in the space between spending time with you.
That old “absence makes the heart grow fonder” cliche holds some truth!
What to Do When Your Boyfriend Wants Space
If you want to save your relationship (and make it better than it ever was), you must give him what he is asking for – right now.
Do not call him, do not text him, do not try to “accidentally” bump into him. Do not cry and get hysterical as if he has just broken up with you.
I highly recommend that you do the 60 days no contact rule (or 30 days at least) to get him back in your arms as quickly as possible.
Your actions will determine if this will be a temporary alone-time or a real breakup!
This is What Happens When You Give Him Space
He will not see you or hear from you for a few days. His mind begins to wander to you. He might wonder what you’re doing or wonder how your day is going. He might even wonder who you’re with right now and a bit (or a lot) jealous that you may be with someone else.
He has the opportunity to reflect and recognize his feeling for you.
He starts to think of the last time he hung out with you, how much fun he had, how much he loves your laugh. And suddenly this weird thing happens… he really starts to…MISS YOU.
If you don’t give him space, this whole positive outcome will not happen. He will think you are needy and clingy and this will push him further away until he eventually breaks up with you – for good.
👉 Read: 7 signs your boyfriend doesn’t love you anymore.
I know it’s hard.
I know it’s scary.
I know it’s heartbreaking. But you have to give him the space he wants to get back a man who loves MORE than ever.
Last Tip: How to Get Your Boyfriend to Commit
Here’s my last tip:
Learning exactly how to win a man’s love, devotion and commitment is the only way to prevent another “I need space” type of bomb from falling on your head again.
The first step is learning how the male mind works and what they really want.
I’m not saying you have to behave any differently or change yourself in any way, but knowledge is power and every woman needs to know how her life partner thinks (hint: very differently than her…)
Rooting for ya,
Lisa
Renee says
Lisa, I’m desperate for advice. My boyfriend of 7 months told me 3 days ago that he needed space to decide if we were a good fit for each other. This was completely out of the blue, he hadn’t been distant or different at all. The only thing that triggered it was a very dumb drunk 5 min. the fight we had (and I thought we had gotten over in that 5 min.) the night before. This is the first drunk fight we have ever had. Two reasons he told me weren’t a good fit were that I’m “too sensitive” and the fact that his snoring makes it hard for me to sleep. I find those reasons completely odd because I’ve never ever been told I’m sensitive before.
Note: A few days before he was put on the max dose (60mg) of steroids (prednisone) for a health condition. He will be on them for 10 days then taper off. Drinking makes side effects worse and he drank. I’ve never ever seen him be so sensitive and angry over something so small before, and I know side effects include erratic behavior and personality changes.
I’ve reflected and am wondering if he’s actually just feeling very pressured because we’ve recently talked about marriage, among other things, and he’s expressed he most likely doesn’t want to get married again (he’s divorced) and I got upset. I want to tell him, maybe via email, that I don’t care about all that future stuff, that if we love each other that’s all I care about, and that I’m sorry for putting pressure on our relationship.
Should I just wait for him to contact me?
Lisa Redfield says
I think that you should give him a few days, maybe a week, to cool off and have a chance to think about things and realize that he was acting out of fear. After this week, is he doesn’t contact you, you can write that email, which is a good idea in my opinion.
Louise Mullen says
Hi so I’ve been seeing someone for 5 months and recently he has been acting all quiet and not his normal self he has a teenage daughter from a previous relationship and hasn’t been involved with the girl’s mother for over 6 years they live in the same area but hardly see each other but i think his daughter can be quite jealous. He works and has his own house. Everything has been going great until now so i sent him a message to see if we were ok or if he wanted to end it and he said we were fine it was just him. Over the weekend i sent him two more messages which he totally ignored i finally got through to him on his mobile and asked again if he wanted to end things to which his reply was he has a lot of things going on at the moment and he can’t handle things sorry for everything just need my space at the moment so i said ok does that mean were are over then or do you just need space to sort things put and he has replied so I’m still no further forward and really don’t know what to think about it all
Lisa Redfield says
I think that he is telling you the truth about needing space, and he doesn’t really know if he wants to break up. He doesn’t want to hurt you but I don’t think he knows what he wants at this point. Is there a reason you can think of that made him want to be on his own right now?
Louise Mullen says
Not that i can think of im starting to wonder if maybe i was a bit clingy but i don’t think i was he always messaged me first and asked me to go stay at his house all the time so i really don’t know he hasn’t blocked me on facebook so im just not going to message him and leave him be but i have some things at his house which he knows how long should i give him before i ask for them back.
Sarah says
Hi,
I’m writing this for advice but I’m pretty sure the writing is on the wall. We have been together for two years and he was planning an overseas trip with friends for two months. I encourage him to go and never made him feel guilty. He expressed concern that he would not go if I was not going to be there when he got back. I assured him that I would be there. Two months leading up to the trip he didn’t really let me in what they were going to do overseas. One month before the trip he says he is confused, not sure if he can do it, and needs space. He wants me to take time to think things through too. He said he was not sure if he was in love with me anymore and he was so confused, yet two weeks before this he was explaining how special and warm I made him feel inside and he has never felt this incredible in love feeling like this before. I was devastated and only contacted him two times before the trip. One time to ask him what the space meant eg seeing other people which he responded we will have to talk about that but not now And time to ask if he was going to contact me before or after the trip. He said he was confused and said probably before the trip. He didn’t contact me before the trip and will be away for another 6 weeks. Deep down I just think this was a cowardly way of him breaking up with me. There are pics posted of him and his friends with other girls in it. After two years I feel I deserved at least a breakup in person (not on the phone). Previous to this trip we never even had a bump in the relationship just pure happiness. Should I just expect him to think that I will get the hint and for him to never contact me again? This is a very cowardly way of handling things and I’m heartbroken because I really believed he was a respectful man and one of strong character. Now I feel pathetic knowing he was too gutless to not even give me a conversation about it let alone one in person. I already think the answer to this is a big fat no but do you think he will be decent enough to contact me to tell me it’s over when he gets back? or should I just expect to never hear from him again?
Lisa Redfield says
I think that you are probably right with everything you said. I don’t think he used this trip to break up with you but he probably wanted to go and did not plan to stay faithful. He didn’t want to be a “cheater” so he broke it off with you to be free to do whatever he wants. I think that with time he will contact you and probably regret the way he did this, and may even want to get back with you, but it really depends on his character, I don’t know. Use this time to get over this pain and to focus on yourself. I believe that everything happens for the best and you may find that it’s true in a few weeks.
Tiffany says
I need help. I and my boyfriend have been together for 7 months we got an apartment together and were really happy and even talked about our future and he took pictures of engagement rings. For the past month, my anxiety and fear from my past relationships got the best of me and I kept asking him if he would cheat on me and if he has feelings for anyone else and I got jealous if he talked to another girl and I realize now that I was wrong. A couple of days ago we got into a big fight because I found out he was still friends with his first girlfriend who he’s known since he was 12 and his family is really close to her, also she is married. This made me jealous and worry so I kept questioning him and he told me to stop texting him at work because I’m upsetting him and I should already know the answers and he’s tired of constantly answering them. But I kept asking him because I was gonna be stressed out until I knew and that was a mistake because he said he needed space to think about whether he wants to continue this relationship because the past month has been mentally draining. I’m scared and worried. That night he came home to the apartment but he slept in the living room and I stayed in the bedroom and tried to give him his space. That was yesterday and last night he spent the night at his mom’s and he sent me this text: “I’m going to my mom’s and i will be there for some time. Spike will stay with you. I will make sure he has everything he needs before I leave. If I want i will come to get him and take him to my mom’s.” I’m worried. He spent all last night at his mom’s and I didn’t bother him once. I guess I’m typing this because I’m desperate to know if at the end of this he is going to give me another chance and come back to me or if during this space he’s gonna decide to leave me. Is giving him space a good idea or should I try to fight for our relationship?
Lisa Redfield says
This space that he is taking, for reasons you obviously understand, is a chance for you to take the time and think about your insecurity and how this has led to this exact situation, and how to regain your confidence real quick before this relationship slips away from you. This only has to do with you as you know, not with him. Wouldn’t you want to run away if he kept suspecting that you cheat on him and questioning you constantly? He has no way of solving your fear and anxiety. Only you can. Once you understand this you’ll see that this has nothing to do with him, and he is helpless right now in trying to help you, which is very frustrating and suffocating to him. I hope you understand what I mean and I hope this helps.
Parisa says
Hi,
Like everyone else, my boyfriend of 20 months asked for some space as i was fighting with him constantly when he just got a new job in a different city other than where he actually lives. So you can imagine how stressful it is for him! And how unsupportive i am towards him. 🙁
Let me tell you something, hands-on heart, this has been the most difficult, heart-wrenching situation I’ve ever had in my life. Every day is a chore to come out of bed and live daily life. I tried to give him space of course after trying to convince him to stay by begging, pleading, and crying my eyes out. No success.!!!! So now i didnt text and call him for about 3 days and today i decided to text him which i thought i betrayed myself for not keeping the no contact. To my surprise, he answered me very nicely and said that he is in the background for now and he hasn’t moved on and he won’t do it either and asked me if i did go out and meet someone new which i was shocked for that.
Now i want to know how to keep this up slowly… do i text him the next day or wait for him to start as he told me “we will talk tomorrow”.
Thanks.
Abby says
Hi, i’m in this exact same situation. Only difference is he is the one texting me. How did yours turn out.
Donna says
I was in a relationship for 5 years, and my boyfriend said he needed to take a break, to think about things. I was upset at first but then I gave him the no contact. We broke up on Friday then he contacts me on Tuesday to see if I was going to sport we play together and asked me to bring something he ordered from me. I forgot it and then texts me again on Friday to see if he can come by where I was on a Sat afternoon to pick it up. I called him and we had a great chat. I went to my thing on Saturday and told him I left it at home not to bother coming. He showed up anyway to ask me a question, that he could of text. He sends me the Christmas list from his grandson and he has not told his family and friends what is going on. He is the one who is texting. I did send a letter on Thursday because we never communicate right and that when I start getting the texts. I am so confused. What do you think, do you think he wants me back
Kate says
Hi Lisa,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years now and just out of the blue the other day he asked for space. We broke up a few years ago after graduating high school and didn’t communicate for a few months then ended up getting back together after working on ourselves. In the past few months, we’ve been talking a lot about moving in together and a possible engagement and I’ve felt like everything has just been falling into place with us. I noticed for the past few months he was very depressed and I tried to be there for him as best as I could but he tends to pull away when he’s stressed and doesn’t want to talk about his feelings. Just a couple of weeks ago he even bought an engagement ring and then a week later texted me saying he needed space to work on himself because he hasn’t been happy with life. I overreacted when I heard it because I felt so blindsided and then I apologized for my behavior and told him I’d give him space but now he’s contemplating a breakup instead. I just don’t know what to do, he is the absolute love of my life and I just don’t know how he went from having the engagement ring one week and then wanting space the next.
Lisa Redfield says
I think that he just got some cold feet about marriage. I would give him the space he is asking for and do the 6o-day no contact. That should be enough to get you two back together.
Sophie Mills says
My boyfriend said that he didn’t know how he felt about me anymore and needed to sort himself out (I think he has anxiety etc). It was going really well! He does however get very stressed for little reason, I think this is the anxiety. He said to message him in a month to see how he’s feeling but I have no self-control and messaged him 2 weeks later asking how he was and he never replied. It has now been a month but heard nothing from him, am very confused and just want to know what he’s thinking but also want to give him the space he wants. He was very upset when he was breaking up/talking to me about taking a break.
Lisa Redfield says
The secret to making the no contact work is first – obviously to not contact… and two – to do everything you can to focus on yourself instead of him and what he is doing and thinking. Once you have moved on, at least somewhat, with your life – he will feel it and the pressure of not hurting will lift off his shoulders. Then he will be able to see that he misses you. Try to not contact him for at least another month and do whatever you can to make yourself happy and to not think of him.
Sophie Mills says
It is so hard because we go to the same university so I get scared of bumping into him or seeing him at mutual friends parties etc. I hear from mutual friends that he’s always going out and is happy but I know I need to focus on myself, he’s just got so many friends and distractions that I feel like it’ll be easy for him to forget about me.
Karen says
Hi Lisa,
I have been in a relationship with a guy for about a year. We text each other every day, multiple times (initiated by him but I always respond to him), and see each other when we can. We’ve always had amazing chemistry until lately. I felt him getting a little distant. Seemed a little cooler toward me. Of course, I went and did the wrong thing and fussed about it and he got upset back and told me he couldn’t do this at work. He texted a few hours later and said he was sorry he had upset me. I texted a few nights later and told him I missed him and that I was out of line. We made up and everything was okay for a few weeks. Then, he texts me and says he’s going off all social media for a while but we will still talk/text on the phone. He reassured me it was not about me and everything was okay. He was very sweet as always. Then on Monday he completely changed. Only sent me one text saying his day was rough. I sent one back saying I was sorry to hear that and I hoped he got some rest. Never heard back. I texted the next day around noon because I hadn’t got my usual good morning text from him. He said hey baby and I asked him if everything was ok. That’s when he said he needed some space and hoped I’d give him some. No explanation other than he needed to get his thoughts and emotions straight. I asked if he wanted this to be over and he said not to pressure him. That he couldn’t answer me right now. I told him I’d not contact him to give him space and he could contact me when ready. He told me okay baby, I’ll talk to you later. It’s been a week and nothing. He did view the picture I put up on Instagram which made me feel better. But he does not comment or like any of my posts. Do this have any hope of surviving? It’s only been a week but I’m worried.
Lisa Redfield says
I’m sure that if you are able to give him the space he wants – without worrying about it – you’ll reap the benefits. Try to focus on yourself right now.
Ariel says
I have had an on and off a relationship, for two years now we have broken up due to many circumstantial things. We have broken up 3 times (the first was 3 days), (2nd 3months- we were both going through a really hard time), (and the last too many people got involved due to me and I acted immaturely and pushed him away). Since then we have reconnected and talked about getting back together we got into a slight argument but talked through it. Out of the blue he started ghosting me I didn’t really realize it and kinda text bombed him, he asked for space because he seemed to be confused (family’s approval because we’ve been on and off and they don’t think it’s healthy, he has a lot of stress in his life rn, and he said he just didn’t know if I was the one but then also told me feelings were there and he loved me). I really don’t think it’s that he’s questioning his feelings but I think the pressure and doubt of other people and he’s scared of getting hurt again has overwhelmed him. I tried to reach maturely even though I was emotional and agreed to space. After 3 days I tried to ask if he wanted to talk…he replied but then never called so I asked if now was a good time. I understood by not responding he wasn’t ready and needed more space… a mistake which I’ve made in the past, but I’m worried that by already reaching out I pushed him away. I also have this friend who is not really a friend and I had been talking to her and one night I got a little upset and “ranted” but barely and quickly realized I was wrong she chewed me out the next day and hasn’t talked since she’s really only ever used me and him to get closer to his best friend but I’m worried she will spin what happened and tell him and it will only make him doubt me further, I know it would be something awkward to just randomly bring up so I’m trying to keep that in mind and previously he had seen her true colors a bit but I’m still worried. Do you think that I’ve pushed him away already, or do you think by giving him the appropriate space he has asked for (even if I did rant at one point) it will show true maturity and bring him back?
Maricela says
Hi Lisa,
I been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years now. For almost a year or two we have been spending time everyday together to the point where I would spend the nights at his place. Which made us decide for me to move in with him. A week ago he asked me for space. I didn’t take it to well and it took me sometime and a lot of questioning him on why. And I felt like he was ending this or just didn’t love me no more. I finally decided to respect his decision as he told me this would be good for our relationship. He said he was losing appreciation for me and didn’t want that. I’m scared that maybe he just wants this to end and letting me know slowly. I told him I would support him in anything. He said that we will be okay. What can I do to make this easier for me? And what do I do when he decides to start spending time with me again? I don’t want him to feel like I’m being clingy.
Lisa Redfield says
This is “work” that needs to be done on the inside. It has to be real, and it includes you gaining some self esteem and appreciation, while eliminating fear. No thought or action done when you are in fear – will ever be right for you. If you feel clingy, he will sense it – without you saying anything. So the only real solution is to stop being clingy – by reminding yourself that you are an independent and strong lady, that does not desperately need anyone else to feel happy and satisfied. And that is true – I promise you. The moment you really feel like this – he will sense it. And this is the most attractive quality anyone can have. I hope you know what I mean, and all the best to you.
Tobi says
I have been dating my guy for like 3months .now he’s saying he wants to be alone and I said ok.but deep down I truly love him and I felt have lost him totally.becos you telling me you want to be alone means you done with me but I guess he just didn’t want to put it that way so it won’t hurt me
maria ximena iraheta says
Hi Lisa
I met my boyfriend 5 months ago the thing is his older than me 5 years, we love each other and everytime we spend time together is just amazing…but our parents don’t like the idea that we date because of the age gap so our relationship was full of stress and anxiety…so he asked me for time and tbh I’m heartbroken and I don’t know what to do and how to give him the space and the time he asked me for
RC says
Hi Lisa,
Six months ago I met the man I’ve always dreamed of. We both are very happy with the relationship even when we live in different countries. We try to communicate and meet with each other as much as we can. We stayed happy until recently, he broke up with me. He is in a lot of stress relating to his PhD studies while I’m depressed because of unforeseen events in my career and life in general. I depended my happiness on him. He got tired and pressured as the upcoming exams are very important to him. A month before the exams he broke up with me saying he wants me to focus on career first and that we do not match each other anymore. I couldn’t believe he was breaking up with me since WE WERE REALLY IN LOVE. I asked if he wants me gone forever, he said that he doesn’t know and he doesn’t want to think about it. He said that he cannot accommodate anything but his studies right now. And he said that if I need and answer right now, he thinks that I should move on. I don’t know if I should wait for him or just move on. I don’t know if it’s just the exams or he meant what he said that we don’t match each other. I know he loves me so much. But I don’t know if I should keep on hoping since he said it’s okay to him if I’ll move on. Please let me know your thoughts. Thank you very much.
Lisa Redfield says
The answer is in your question. You wrote “I depended my happiness on him. He got tired”… No man or woman can stand the pressure of being dependent upon him for happiness – fir long. He feels that he can’t be responsible for your happiness, and he shouldn’t. We are the only ones responsible for our happiness. It is not that you don’t match, and it’s not that he doesn’t love you. He does. He just couldn’t stand the pressure. Once you realize this, and make the change within yourself – he will feel it and reach out to you.
Taylor says
Hi. I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for just under 3 years. Everything has been great with us, don’t get me wrong we’ve had our agrguments but nothing too major that we haven’t worked through. Anyway the last few months we’ve been better than ever and on Wednesday night he was at my acting just how he usually does and telling me he loves me and that I’m his best friend etc. Then on Thursday morning he text me as normal then a few hours later he text me telling me he wants a break for a couple of weeks and that his feelings have changed. He has never been good with wording things. However the only person that knows him deep down is his sister and I spoke to her about it and she assured me that he adores me and he loves me and he told her that when she messaged him after I told her. I can be quite dependant on him and that I have now realised and need to change but I want him to give me a chance to prove to him I can change, I am scared he is going to break up with me after these couple of weeks. Help me .
Lisa Redfield says
I think that you should give him these couple of weeks because it seems that he is going through something. The more pressure you put on him, the further he’ll retreat. Take these weeks to regain your confidence, think about why you are dependent (insecurity) and try to see yourself as you’d like to be. He will feel it from you whether you tell him about this or not. Take your thoughts off him and think about yourself now. That’s my best advice to you.
Felicia says
Hi Lisa,
So recently my boyfriend hasn’t been acting himself. I noticed when he wasn’t replying to me for awhile. He did tell me his car payment was coming up & he would be working a lot. Now he lost his job a few months back & doesn’t nearly make enough as he use to now. Well we got in a misunderstanding a week later. So I left him alone but a week went by which was unusually for him. I apologized to him and told him I figured he must not be coming back for me. He replied back apologizing that he didn’t talk to me but his car got towed, he missed that payment, and he was about to get kicked out. He didn’t mean to not talk but his hands were full. I told him I would be here for him just like I was months back & he will pull through this. He said he was trying but still struggling. He been hit and miss with responding to me. Two days later I asked if he was ok, he told me about how much he owed and he was dealing with it. I asked if I could do anything to help somehow cause I wanted to. Day later he replied saying he honestly just needed space for a bit. I said I was glad he told me and I could do that for him. Its only been three days and I know its a long road ahead. But I wonder if he is going to come back and tell me he is leaving? He is not the type to leave me hanging and wondering forever. He knows I don’t care about money. Any advice or insight is appreciated
Lisa Redfield says
I think I would just believe him. He is going through stressful things right now, and it’s occupying all his time and thoughts right now. It’s probably hurting his ego too and maybe he doesn’t want to show it to you out of pride – even if he knows you don’t care about money. Give him some space, he’ll probably snap out of it in no time.
Fe says
Thank you Lisa,
Unfortunately he got worse though. He is now severe depressed. I didn’t realize how much so. He started talking ill of himself and in my attempt to comfort and tell him I saw none of those things in him, I failed. Long story short I sent one text to many. I got frustrated I wanted back to himself I said and to tell me to come to him like he use to. This is what he by word
“I’m sorry…I don’t want to come to me right now. I can’t put my phone down for a sec without a wall of text. I get ur trying to express yourself but let me remind you. I’m not talking to my family either. I have this huge wall up and right now I wish to just not be bothered. Not even by you. I’m sorry but…that’s how it is.”
I said I understood and to not be sorry. I would be patient. However I understand wanting to be away from me for a minute but not his family. Apparently I am the only one in contact. They called me. They don’t have his number or seen him even longer then I have. His mother has cancer, its one of the reasons he is depressed besides debt. She could get worse at minute as she is in stage 3. I don’t feel better by him telling me he isn’t talking to them too. I don’t know if 60 day no contact will work for me. I don’t know how to tell him he needs therapy. I feel this is my fault as I was the only one he was sort of allowing to speak to him.
Mars says
hi lisa
my fiance was suppose to visit me last mar26 as we are on LDR and suddenly changed his mind and wanted to call it quits. i was so excited to see him but the horrible news made me devastated. we have been together for 5 years. 1 year LDR and got engaged on our 4th year. we both worked in UAE. he came back to europe to put up a food truck which is actually down at the moment and he already withdrew our fiance visa aplication to get me to be with him since he doesnt have apartment yet. he’s been struggling with the business i knew that and i keep pressuring him regarding our marriage. on mar26 he told me its over and his love changed for me and hes been thinking about calling it quits long time. and when he hanged up he called me again in the evening and he was crying too much telling me he never cheated on me coz i told him he might have found someone new. he said i should let hin go so i wont suffer anymore. i can feel deep in my heart that he really loves me so much. i dont know why he has to hurt me like this. but on my reflection i became needy and clingy not even wanting to work and waiting for him to get me here in my home country since i also left uae.. on mar 27 he told me he just needed a bit of space and time and im always on his mind. and on march 28 he sent a voice message telling me the same thing and he said we will talk and see what we can do once he is ok. I dont know if i should believe him coz last time he told me he will never give up on me and was excited to see me… and suddenly he didnt come to see me ..he even said he dont want my family to spend for him while he is on vacation. i was actually the one who booked his ticket. LISA i wanted him back. i love him so much and cant imagine my life without him im scared he will be having other girl soon. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. IM CRYING DAY AND NIGHT. I WANT HIM BACK
Lisa Redfield says
I think that in your situation I would try the 30-day or the 60-day no contact. Here’s my post about it: https://howtogetaguytowantyou.com/60-day-no-contact-rule/
mars says
Hi lisa when i told him yesterday im getting a job and had 3 succesful interviews again, he was so happy and still calls me baby and he said he is proud of me and now he told me we will talk to each othwr next week after 3 weeksof not talking to each other.. what should i tell him.. i really want him back.
Alexandra says
Hi Lisa,
I recently got in a little argument with my boyfriend because of the following reason. I have 2 little girls, with who I have no contact with their father because of a bad situation that happened last year (there is currently an order of protection against him). The father has been trying non stop to speak to the girls, he reaches out via my facetime, I have changed my number, but he finds a way to do so via the email. I did not mention this to my boyfriend. Last Friday, he was at the house with my 2 girls and my ipad rang and it was the girls father. When I got home, he started to get his bag (we do not live together) and said we needed to talk. He asked me how long I have been speaking with the girls father. I clearly stated that I have not had contact with him but he has been trying to reach the girls. He asked whi I never told him anything about this. To sum it up, he got upset because I did not find it necessary to tell him that the girls father was trying to contact the girls. I asked him if he wanted to end things, he said no not at all but he just needed to cool off from this. He said he cares about me alot that he loves me, he repeated many times that this is not a break up. Last time we had an argument (last November) i went 2 weeks without seeing or speaking to him) I asked him if this was going to happen again, he said last time that happened, I was at home, and you know that. He says he has so much going on (and he does) and he just needs to cool off. Weve spoken a little bit , but I have not seen him since Friday. I am very anxious and always let my byad thoughts get the best of me. Should I be worried? Or should I just give him the space he needs right now. I spoke to him yesterday afternoon he wanted to see how everything was and to tell me that he spoke to my dad who is a bit sick and had a nive conversation with him.
Lisa Redfield says
I think that your instinct is right and you should give him the space he wants. You don’t want this to be forced anyway, right? He needs to think about things and that’s just fine. Focus on yourself and your girls for now, I’m sure that will keep you busy enough to take your thoughts off of him.
LateNight says
Hi Lisa!
I rekindled a relationship with an ex a few months ago. We dated for about 6 months, then didn’t speak for 3.5 years.
He is a single father with a demanding job. Yesterday, almost out of the blue (after our good morning texts and check ins), I texted him to see how his day was going. He responded “Not too well at all. Let me touch base with you in a while. We are all healthy. Just school issues with X”. I responded and said “Ok, I’ll wait to hear from you”. I haven’t heard from him yet.
When I originally read it, I was perplexed what the “in a while” meant. I though maybe he meant later the same day, but since I didn’t hear from him today, my fears seem to be coming true.
Any advice on how to proceed?
Lisa Redfield says
I think that you should give him the space he is asking for. I’m sure it has nothing to do with you, but with his personal issues. Just be patient and don’t be afraid – there’s nothing to fear.
Rebecca says
Hi. I would like to have your advice. I have known my boyfriend for 2 years now with ups and downs. He was heart broken after 1 year due to some of my mistakes. I have tried to sort out things over the last 1 year and recently things have been better between us and we even decided to start afresh until out of no where he asked for some space to clear his thoughts. He said he is unable to completely forget what happened in the past and does not have the same feelings he had for me at start. I really love him and want things to work out between us. Should I give up or is there still a chance between us?
Thanks
Lisa Redfield says
That unfortunately sounds like an excuse to me. He feels differently sue to other things, not stuff that happened a year ago. I don’t think you should give u if you don’t want to, but you’re going to have to “work” a bit hard to find out the truth from him.
Susan says
I’m in relation with one guy we been for 6 month now he told me he want space I’m so worried . He told me the situation was work pressure and family issues . Also he told me he love me much but just want some time . What should I do I’m worried our communication was not same like before . Can u help me plz
Lilly says
I was dating a guy very happily for 6 months, we never fought our chemistry was awesome and we always had lots of fun and hours and hours of conversations. All of a sudden he was hit with a big issue with his taxes and had to file a case against some people. He started to get very stressed out and was communicating with me until one day about 2 weeks ago he changed 180 degrees and when I asked what wrong he wrote me he is very stressed and doesn’t have capacity to deal with other things. He asked for a few days to sort his problems. After the few days I received a text from him saying he knows he has hurt both of us and he thinks it’s better if he stays quiet for a while and he loves me(first time he says it). I replied I understand but I appreciate if you make some time to explain to me and he replied I think it’s better if he stays alone and that he is ok to meet to explain but doesn’t want to create emotional pressure on any of us. That was a week ago and I never replied to his last text. I didn’t know what to say. I’m just listening and stepping back but I am absolute clueless how from such an amazing date we had last time he cud just flip due to these recent troubles. Any advise? Thank you!
Aj says
I’ve been in a complicated relationship. I had a boyfriend once who works out of the country. We’ve been dealing with this long distance relationship for quite some time and it cam to a point that im tired of it. I broke it off with him thru chat ( I know it wasn’t the best idea but it’s my only way). He did not respond so I was thinking it was okay with him but just didn’t reply.
After a few months I met this guy and we’ve been dating for 5 months. on our 5th month, the “other” guy resurfaced and sent our pictures together (the new guy and me). He threatened my date told him to watch his back and try not to mess around. My date got disappointed but of course he said, he will fight with me until I can settle everything with the ex.
One day, we had a fight. and it came to a point that he was throwing me the unfinished issue with the ex. I asked him “I thought we talked about this already” and he just kept quiet. HE promised to he’d stay. After a couple of mins of silence he asked for SPACE, I cried coz i had the fear I might lose him. Then he told me I just need some time. So I let him be.
I was blaming myself and was in great regret, so I went to his place and talked about it. Now, he’s telling me “Im sorry”. I asked him what do you mean “I’m sorry” and answers me “I dont know”. He got me all confused and until now I’m suffering trying to get some answers. He still opened up the issue with the ex. But after all our arguments he told me “I’m just around corner, if you need someone you i can spare a time” . After a week I tried to message him- he replied but after sending a couple of replies to me he cut off.
So my question is- after what he has been telling me, is there a possibility that he’ll come back or is he gone for good? Does he want me to still contact him? I’m so confused for all he said, it’s like he’s giving but took it back. Im soooooo freakin confused 🙁 Please help me.
Lisa Redfield says
Yes, I think that not all hope is gone. I would recommend that you do the 60-day no contact rule and see where it leads you. In your case, maybe just 30 days.
Here’s my post about how to do it exactly:
https://howtogetaguytowantyou.com/60-day-no-contact-rule/
Sully says
My boyfriend of over 5 years said he needs space to work on himself, he introduced me to his family about five years ago and thing were well/with ups and in June this guy was talking about marriage and that he needs to buy a house and fix Hus car he says he feels pressure ciz he’s younger siblings are doing better than him he also says he lovea me very much and I have Jo idea how much he loves me but he also misses his happinesse and the happiness we had together/we still talk occasionally and call but he says he doesn’t want us to talk about our issues in the recent months he finally met his biological father who turned out to not be a the man he’d hoped they had an augment and he moved out of his father’s place, he has insecurity issues and I don’t want to wait for something that isn’t going to happen, we broke up before and during that time he made a policy plan in which i was his beneficiary, im so confused i don’t even know whether I love him or he’s just familiar to me 2 days ago we hung out and ended up kissing, he’s included me so much in his family by his own initiation and I don’t know how to respond to them when they ask about us, every time he has major conflicts in his life or has to make a decision he pulls back we decided on a year long break but I call and he still calls, I’m so confused.
J says
A year-long break? Honey, nobody does that. Treat this like the break up that it is and move on.
Rocio says
My boyfriend of two years asked me for space yesterday. Here’s what happened I started to believe that he no longer loved me bc we have different schedules this year and I barely see him at college. We go out and have a blast but then my anxiety starts to creep in and fills my head with doubts and bad thoughts. I asked him if he loved me and wanted to be with me and he said yes to both. I kept nagging him with the same questions bc I was bring petty and childish and he said he wanted space. I feel like I pressured him into this with my insecurities and idk what to do. Here’s the thing be texted me first today and I’m replying as nothing happened. This is the first “fight” we’ve had and idk what I can do to fix it.
Heather g says
My boyfriend of 6 months out of NO where told me he neeeded space. He brought all my stuff from his house to mine and asked me for his keys. I asked if this was the end. He said he needed space and for now the door was closed but not locked (whatever that means) but that he had a lot of thinking to do. He told me he took an out of town for job for 10 days to get away from everything and was gonna sort thru his feelings. He asked if he could call me in a few days and made me promise to answer, it’s been 3 and no word yet. He changed his profile pic on Facebook from us to just him and changed our status from in a relationship to its complicated!!! WTF! He told his dad we were broken up, taking a break and a few other options… so even his dad is not sure where we stand. I am very hurt and confused! I am head over heels in live with him and he is my bet friend! Help!
Heather g
Rachel says
My boyfriend has been having a lot of issues with his ex and their children. One week they fought a lot and we fought. He told me he needed time to figure things out. He said he didn’t want to be with anyone else but that he needed to figure things out. I have left him alone. I told him I respected that he needed time and that I still cared about him. He said he still cared about me too and that he needed to be able to give me 100% but right now he couldn’t do that. Every 2-3 days he reaches out to me. I’m left very confused and don’t know what to say. Yesterday he sent me a text that said he was thinking of me ans just wanted to say hi. It took me a few hours to respond and I responded with I like hearing that. He then ignored me and I haven’t heard anything else. Leaving him alone has been the hardest thing for me to do but I’m trying to respect his wishes. I just don’t k is what to do. It’s been two weeks since he said he needed time.
Lisa Redfield says
Rachel,
I would give it more time, trusting that the best thing will happen and trying to keep calm.
Nini says
Hi
My boyfriend recently said he wants space from me.I replied that I respect his decision and said if we don’t see each other gain know that I genuinely love you.
He replied saying, we will see each other again but he felt pressured and wants to put his life back on Track.
I really love him and scared I have lost him. What do I do? I have given him space and I will give him a month but I am scare I might lose him. I have my stuff and my kids stuff over at his house aswell. Should I wait for the month to be up and if he isn’t back by then ask to get my stuff.
Lisa Redfield says
Yes, I think you should wait. But you have to use this time to get your confidence and your self esteem back. If you do, you won’t feel dependent on him and he won’t feel pressured. It’s simple really.
LC says
Hi Lisa, my boyfriend of 2 years had been communicating less and becoming more distant in recent weeks. i have a a day job and he doesn’t, he’s taking anti-depressants after getting diagnosed 6 months ago. prior to that, in the course of our relationship, he’s had several challenges including chronic prostatitis, finishing up his PhD and being unsure of what life had in store for him other than more challenges.
3-4 weeks ago, i asked him if anything was wrong with us and he said he felt he didn’t have to say to me, but also that he wasn’t really wanting to talk to anyone else either. i asked afterwards if he was questioning the need for a relationship, or a relationship with me. He didn’t give a clear answer to that. After a day of leaving that conversation hanging, he said he cared a lot about me and just suddenly felt he needed space, have a good weekend. I have not heard from him since and it’s coming to 3-4 weeks of no contact.
having had some time to think about things, calm down and get back to doing things that i enjoy, i sort of regret the way i ended our last conversation. i thought our problems came down to an INTP’s issues with connecting and feeling, and didnt acknowledge the possibility of stresses, problems or concerns that he had that led to him asking for space. i guess i felt he should have voiced his need for space instead of what felt like me having to dig it out of him. i also stated “When u are ready, u’ll plan and initiate our next meeting. I think this is the clearest way for me to know u are ready. Till then, I’ll just text u if I like, tts all.” and i pushed him again after that, asking if caring about me meant the same to him as loving me.
i would like to send a text to see how he’s doing (last i saw him, he was limping from a fractured toe), let him know i’m sorry about how i left things and i realised i was taking things the wrong way, i still care and am waiting for him. i’m not sure if it’s appropriate to add that i love him for what he is, i just want to enjoy our relationship a day at a time and it’s not what i can get out of him (his mom spoke to me recently and she feels he’s torn between his current life circumstances and not being able to promise me anything).
Will this undo the past weeks of no contact? i’m just afraid that he might think i no longer care, but also want to be careful that i dont stress him further. and i’m also worried that he’ll break up with me without telling me, how long more should i let him be?
Thank you for advice, greatly appreciate it!
Lisa Redfield says
I think that he has ended your relationship not because of you or his lack of love for you, but due to his depression and him not loving HIMSELF. Can someone who doesn’t love himself (so much that he needs medication to get through the day) – love anyone else?
He didn’t tell you about needing space because obviously he didn’t want to hurt your feelings, and he assumed that you wouldn’t understand.
Most of us, who have never been clinically depressed, have no idea what it’s like and how it feels, no matter how hard we try to understand.
If I were you I would let him be. When he feels better, I’m sure he will contact you. He doesn’t think that you don’t care anymore, he appreciates that you’ve respected his wishes.
Again, this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him and his mental state.
I hope this helps and don’t worry, everything happens for the best of reasons, and in time you’ll be able to see it.
Good luck!
Anita says
You could send him a quick text just to say
Is everything okay or how are doing
Let him know that you still care
Also men need space they are totally different from us women.
Watch some you tube videos like matt Boggs or Tony Robbins very helpful in understanding men
Men dont need space because of you 90 percent of the time they come back.
It also depends on you to .do you really want him if so be patient if not move on
I am going through this now. But i love my man and i am giving him his space .my circumstances are quite different from most but still i let him come and go .i have a goid career. He also knows i am here for him and i encourage him and praise him with i appreciate you. You inspire me
And thank you
I happen to love my man and for me he is worth fighting for
Their are so many books on understanding the difference between men and women.
Good luck
Lisa Redfield says
I would say that you shouldn’t completely ignore him, but tone it down to half the effort you used to give before he wanted space. Answer half his texts and half his calls and make sure to hint that you are talking and seeing other people (not dating, just “seeing”, be blurry about this).
He needs to know that your life is just fine and that you are not sitting and waiting for him.
Mimi says
My boyfriend wants space from me — and I gave him that. The problem is that he still does calls me, texts me messages like the usual messages during the times when we’re still together? How do I deal with that? Should I reply to his messages? Should I answer his calls? Feeling confused here.