Do you feel like your boyfriend doesn’t love you? that he is losing interest in your relationship – or in you?
Is there a little nagging voice inside that keeps telling you that something is off?
The good news is:
If you’re here, you’ve passed the denial phase, and you are ready to check for the signs that your boyfriend doesn’t love you.
You can’t ignore those little signs that your boyfriend shows less affection or no longer loves you.
Now’s the time to be brutally honest with yourself and face reality. It’s going to be hard but the light at the end of the dark tunnel is:
If your boyfriend loved you once, he can love you again.
7 Signs Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Love You
1. He Doesn’t Know What He Wants
If your boyfriend has directly told you that he doesn’t know if he loves you, or that he “loves you but not in love with you”, or he loves you but not sure you are “the one” – it means his feelings for you have changed.
These are all (quite pathetic) attempts to tell you that he is no longer in love with you, without facing the “women drama” that all guys fear.
One of my ex boyfriends (I was so in love with him) told me that he still loves me but not sure he wants to live with me anymore and wants to try living apart (But not break up).
This was of course a load of BS, but I couldn’t handle the underlying message and stayed with him for a whole month after he moved out from our apartment.
Every day I waited for him to change his mind and come back, until a month later I told him I can’t do this anymore and broke up with him.
Obviously he did not protest…because it was exactly what he wanted.
👉 Read: 12 clear ways to know if he serious about you
2. He Doesn’t Care About Your Feelings
If you notice that your boyfriend seems to not notice when you are upset anymore, or notices but ignores it – it’s a red flag.
A guy in love will recognize that his girl is in pain or distress and will at least try to bring a smile back to her face.
If you cry about something and he ignores you or worse – gets annoyed – it may mean that he is hiding his guilt feelings about losing the love for you.
It may be the difference between being the girl that he left, and the one that he hangs on to and marries.
3. He Blames You for Everything
If your boyfriend acts distant, ignores you, doesn’t communicate, and avoids you while accusing you of doing these exact things, he is signaling you that he wants out.
(👉 Find out if he plans to break up with you)
This is because he feels a lot of guilt from falling out of love. And the easiest way to relieve this guilt is by convincing himself that the feelings are mutual and in fact, you don’t love him anymore either.
Does that make sense to you?
How relieved would you be if you stopped loving a guy but knew that he feels the same and won’t be heartbroken by it when you tell him?
That’s what’s going in his mind (probably subconsciously).
Another related sign is checking the relationship status obsessively. If your boyfriend keeps asking “are we o.k.”? (In one way or another) – nothing is o.k.
4. He Changes Priorities
If your boyfriend does one of these things:
- Gradually or suddenly starts to ignore your texts and calls (and make stupid excuses for it)
- Prefers hanging out with his friends and family (without you)
- Shows you that you are not his priority anymore
- Spends more time with his female best friend (here’s what to do when your boyfriend’s best friend is a girl)
He may have lost interest in your relationship and tried to do the “fade out” breakup.
My ex boyfriend not only found stupid excuses to avoid seeing me, calling me and answering my texts, but made sure I found out he was lying.
For example, he would tell me that he is busy at work, but then his brother would “accidentally” tell me how they went out for drinks together at that exact time.
He wanted me to know.
5. He Doesn’t Make Time for You
Couples in love make plans all the time. From little plans like going out tomorrow to big plans like moving in together someday, or having 2.4 children.
Every woman wants to feel loved.
If your boyfriend suddenly stops making plans with you or stops talking about the future he sees with you, it’s a bad sign.
My ex boyfriend made it even clearer than this. He told me that in the future he wants to live in a different country, but never mentioned anything about me coming with him. It was clear that he holds no place for us in his future.
6. He Suddenly Has Secrets
If your boyfriend suddenly starts hiding things from you, it’s a sign that he is planning to bail.
If your boyfriend suddenly doesn’t want you to see his phone (including text messages, last calls, etc.), or doesn’t want to tell you where he is going and what he is doing, the red flag should be up.
In the best-case scenario, he doesn’t love you anymore and doesn’t want to include you in his life. In the worst-case scenario, another woman has already gotten on his radar and that’s why he is being secretive.
My ex boyfriend all of a sudden started taking his phone everywhere with him, including the bathroom. He made sure I had no access to it and claimed it’s a privacy matter.
2 months after we broke up I found out that he already started going out (!) with another woman while were still together.
7. He Doesn’t Talk to You Like He Used to
If your guy gradually or suddenly stops replying to your texts and calls as he used to – it may mean that he is losing interest.
At first, he’ll have a variety of excuses but if you keep asking why – he’ll start getting irritated with you and blame you for nagging him.
One more sign has to do with deep/intimate/”mushy” conversations.
If he starts getting annoyed when you want to have a deep conversation with him, or even when you come up with more “cute names” for him – it could be a sign he is losing interest.
What to Do If He Doesn’t Love You
I’ll repeat what I’ve said in the beginning:
I know it seems hard to believe, but it’s true.
This does not have to be the end and you don’t have to sit there waiting for the ax to fall.
You CAN reverse things.
More than that, you can, with the right knowledge, make your boyfriend WAKE UP and see the beautiful, smart and loving woman he has, standing right in front of him.
Without begging, pleading, and looking desperate.
Even if you found 1001 signs your boyfriend doesn’t love you, you can still reverse it.
If he loved you once, he can love you again.
How many signs have you found? Share your story with us in the comments below.
Rooting for ya,
I live with m boyfriend but anytime i ask him how serious he about our relationship he confesses that he doesn’t love me anymore,but what surprises me is that he is still the same he gives me time, he takes me out and also helps me whenever i need anything, sometimes we get to a point of breaking up but he says we should try to make things work, what could be his problem because he is not cheating on me, please help me i need to save my relationship
if a man stops giving you time or starts ignoring you, the best thing I’ve noticed that really gets them is if you ignore them back. Some will say this is “playing games” but it honestly works. Every person I was with who broke up with me, I simply ignored them aFter the breakup. Then usually a few months later ( and even a year later) they come out of the woodwork and contact you. Of course, you ignore them. They didn’t know how good of a person you were anyways. If you’re in a current relationship, ignore texting or talking for a few days and you’ll really see how much they like you or not.
You have to redirect the energy here. When someone does something the same over again, men or women are going to become complacent and expect that from their partner and not really “care” about it. Then, when something doesn’t happen like they were used to, they start to internally sweat a bit. For example, they might text more because they wonder where you are. Let them sweat more. It’s tough because you’re sweating too but it works. Unfortunately, most people take things for granted. Don’t give everything away just like that. Don’t let people take advantage of you. Because they will and they will take you for granted. Unless they are like you and are very giving.
My,ex bf’s excuse was that he stopped having feelings because he realised I was desperate to get married. We ve been together for 2y, met almost all family members etc moved in with him..we broke up yesterday, he said he Doesn’t love me anymore..
He had stopped giving me time and never approaches me for going out or meeting ..also he’s too busy that he don’t pick up my calls and don’t give reply of my messages..
Hi I’m having similar issues with my boyfriend of 5 yrs now in the beginning we were always together and our sex life was hot, but lately it’s nothing like this
He leaves for several hours while I stay home alone he’s very protective and uses the exuss he cares and worries about me that I shouldn’t go out without him. I have no family here and friends all disappeared a yr into our relationship, there’s very few words spoken between us and when it comes to our sex life lately I seem to have lost romance with him, he would spend hours watching adult films and then ask if I wanted to have fun, I always had to be dressed up heels makeup the works in order to meet his sexual needs which is very one sided by the wsy
I do love him besides all those cons against him I have to say he’s never hit or cheated on me and for the most part always there for me, I’m so confused on what to do
Someone help please
My boyfriend and I have been having lots of little fights because I get very worked up easily and I know I need to relax more and I kinda always attack him saying that he’s not affectionate and we don’t go out. But I don’t notice the nice things he does do for me and I feel bad and I think I pushed him away and he’s really bad at confrontation and talking about feelings and he says he doesn’t know if he loves me but he says he doesn’t know to everything but he’s gotten worse because I pushed him away. I’m very scared because he’s lovely and we’re still together and he still acts lovely like cooking dinner and we go out more and holds my hand and in the morning kisses me on the head when he gets up, but when I say I love you he doesn’t say it back and still says he doesn’t know. What should I do?
Sounds like you’re admitting to these things without realizing that those are the exact reasons why his love is dying for you. Girl, you need to get a grip and realize your love for HIM and start appreciating because it sounds like he really appreciates you. Being in love doesn’t mean all the going out and whatever. Maybe in a perfect world. But if y’all work there’s hardly time to do those things. But if you were dying in a bed right now what would you do/say to him? What will really matter at that moment? Think about it.
Sounds like he wants his cake and eat it, Hes not really missing you if hes ignoring you. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder in this case I think this guy likes you and doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. I would give him some ultimatums or call it a day take control of the situation instead of wondering its not fair you have feelings too. qould advice you to take control of the situation and no where you stand properly. Long distant relationships can be hard for anyone but it works both ways. cx
My bf and I have been together for about 11 months. I told him I loved him at around the 6 month mark. His response was “awww.” He then went to study abroad. We have stayed connected and talk and text each other everyday. He came home to visit me over spring break. Again I told him I loved him. He didn’t say anything. I got really sad. He asked me what was wrong and I said “you don’t love me.” He seemed really sad that I was upset by this so he just held my face in his hands kissed me and told he changed his mind and he thinks he loves me. He kissed me again and told me he loved me and i told him i loved him too. We kissed etc and all was well. Fast forward to today. My bf has been really depressed and struggling while back abroad. His mental health is the worst I’ve ever seen it. I comfort him and tell him I love him but he never says I love you back. I asked him why. And he said he cares about me a lot. He said I’m his first gf and he’s not sure what he’s feeling. He’s not sure what love feels like. I don’t know why but that hurt me a lot. We have a pretty good relationship. Minimal fighting, sex regularly (when he’s in the country), I’ve met his family, we kiss all the time, he has talked about us moving in together and moving to a different state together. That is serious commitment to me. He also seems to genuinely care about me. Also I think it’s worth noting I am 26 and he’s 22. I guess my question is…. we are a year into our relationship almost and he still doesn’t love me. Is it with sticking around for or should I run before I get hurt? Responses from anyone is appreciated.
Hi, so I need help, please.
I met my boyfriend online while I was on vacations, I stayed there for 2 months and he lived like 3 hours from where I used to lived, at the beginning he was the one that wanted all the attention because I was ignoring him, later tables turn, he came and visited me for a few times we slept together and after that he said that he loved me, we weren’t going to be seeing each other again for a while because I had to get back, but he wanted to keep the long distance thing even if I told him that it wasn’t a good idea. He insisted and of course I didn’t want to break up because I loved him, after me going back to my country he doesn’t text much and ignores my texts a lot. He didn’t used to do that. I talked to him but he says its because he is busy and that he is not ignoring me. and that he doesn’t want us to break up, but we almost never talk anymore except when I tell him to call. The thing is he was my first andmaybe that is why he doesn’t want to break up with me?
What should I do?
I have been in a 3 year relationship and we both have children. Everything was great and we moved in together and then it all went downhill. His child became clingy and very disrespectful towards me but he does nothing about it. If I even mention anything about it I am the one the is blamed. He takes his child’s side before even listening to anything. I can’t even voice an opinion in the house without being marked as a mean ogre. His child won’t visit anymore and it’s put on my shoulders and now the relationship has ended because of his child. How do you handle this?
My boyfriend (now ex) and I lived together and had been together for a little over a year. He started a job 4 hours away and was gone 2 weeks and home 1 week. The pulling away from me started when the job started. But I still thought we were happy, just thought he was going through an adjustment. We were happier than ever (so I thought). Christmas came around, he splurged and bought me a $800 gift. We were still happy. I also started a new job where I work I had to work 4 nights and was only home 3 nights when he was home. WE decided to try to find a bigger place to live in my hometown so that I could be closer to family and not alone when he was out of town working and we found a place. I moved everything while he was working. He even paid for the deposits and first months rent About a week ago when he came home from work he told me he no longer had feelings for me and wants to break up, but he did this through text message because he said he didn’t want to see me hurt or cry. He says it’s nothing I have or have not done and he thinks I am an amazing, wonderful woman that deserves the world. Since the text message I’ve heard very little from him..mostly just him wanting to pick things up. I’m very hurt and frustrated and just trying to understand. Anybody have any idea why or what I should or shouldn’t do?
Hi Lisa, ok my situation is out of normal and is confusing. I am with this guy who never expresses his feelings. He says he likes me but does not love me(it is the farest he will go) and for most of time he is cold. It seems simple right? However what puzzles me is that when together he takes care of me, even the way he touches me is super sweet and when he speaks about the future (like situations that will happen in 3 4 years) he includes me on them…. I am confused…Cant understand this situation…Any ideas about what is really going on?
Hi there, I hope you can help/reassure me.
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 9 months. 7 months in he said he loved me and asked me to move in with him in the new year. I told him I felt the same but didn’t say the words.
The next month was really stressful, he was moving house, we were saving to go on holiday in December and work for both of us piled up and I guess communication faltered.
We then went on a 2 week holiday where I said I wanted to wait longer before moving in and we had a really productive talk/argument where we both wanted to work things out after the last month where we felt our relationship had stagnated and action planned some manageable changes like ensuring date night weekly.
NYE I told him for the first time I loved him and he responded that he really liked me. When I asked that in November he said he loved me he said “yeah don’t think too much into it”
things have been amazing since we got back and we have so many plans for the new year,including holidays, he asked me to join his crossfit gym, he wants to get more involved in my interests and hobbies. He gave me a key to his house and has said he wants me to be involved in decisions in his new house. I’m worried that he no longer loves me I don’t want to be settled for, is that the case do you think or is he being cautious?
Lisa Redfield says
I think that he loves you and is being cautious. I agree with him when he says you shouldn’t think too much into it. All this thinking ruins everything. Just have fun together and everything will work out the way you want it.
Kiarra Symone says
My (soon-to-be EX) boyfriend just told me that he does not care about my feelings at all and when we have arguments he goes back and tells his play little brother everything. I know I should be worried and I am, but should I break up with him like NOW or work it out???
Lisa Redfield says
This is something he said because he was angry at something. It’s not true that he doesn’t care about your feelings. Of course he does, but he said this out of anger. As for him telling stuff to someone else – why do you care?
I think that you should think about things when you are calm and relaxed and only then make decisions.
Ugh! My long term boyfriend recently said that he appreciates and respects me. He’s even said he loves and cares about me. Then he plays mind games, along with control and threats (I’ll never text you again). He’s hot, cold, distant and even silent. He requests me to come visit and then mentions sex. Then he’s asked me for money which I didn’t send. One minute he says he wants to live together and the next he says I’ll sit with you. He says he wants to me to.the states and lives in the Middle East. I do love and care about him. He doesn’t understand why I’m cautious. I feel like he’s using me and when I mention this – he got all defensive, mad and boom ends it. Now he’s said right before Valentines Day could I pick a girl for him to sleep with ? Then he says would it be okay for me to come with someone for him to sleep with ? How could he think that I would think that this is okay. Sounds to me that not only disrespected me but doesn’t care about my feelings. I’m sick of his bullshit too – I’m too old for his games! I have a hunch he will contact me on Valentines Day – fine he wants to play the silent treatment – think I’ll give him some of his own medicine!
Candy Loo says
My boyfriend of 5 months has recently decided that we needed to break up. About a month ago he texted me saying that he didn’t love me anymore but really liked me and felt that he needed a break. I instantly backed off and told him to figure out what’s going on then let me know his decision as we had a long distance relationship. 2 hours later he texted saying that he wanted me and I made him happy. For the rest of the week he had apologized for breaking my heart and was putting effort into the relationship. A week later I went to his house in which he professed that he loved me and didn’t mean what he had said for an hour. After that night everything was amazing. We seemed to be back on tract. This past Sunday I was there again were he told me that he loved me multiple times and how happy he was. However last night I noticed he was acting strange again. He said he didn’t know if he loved me or if he wanted our relationship. We eventually decided after talking via phone call that we needed to just break up and not take a break. He keeps telling me he is sorry and that it was hard for him to end things and he was hurting. Today he mentioned that he did love me once and believes there is still a part of him that does he just needs space to figure out what he wants. He has reached out to me multiple times today and we have talked about what had happen. Is there a chance that he does love me and will eventually come back or should I move on?
Lisa Redfield says
I think that you it’a a good idea to just give him the space he wants at this point. It has nothing to do with love. LDRs are difficult. Use this time to figure out what YOU want and what makes you happy. Everything happens for a reason. You’ll see what it is soon.
I have been dating my boyfriend for sometime now. It was all sweet and romantic in the beginning but now it’s the total opposite. We live together but recently he called me and told me to get my place cos we need sometime for ourselves. I love him and I’ve tried to talk to him about the changes. He seems to ignore my questions. I’m confused. Does he still love me?
Hi, I’m staying with my boyfriend for 8 months now. He sticked with me for the first 6 months. However after that, he spent most of his time playing games with his friends. And when he is with his friends, he refused to text me. However, he’ll always come home for dinner or supper. During dinner and after dinner, we’ll be fine like a normal couple. But when we fight, he’ll always ask for break up. But after fight, he’ll tell me he is sorry. We argue almost twice a week. Sometimes, he tells me he loves me. But sometimes he said he is unsure. I’m confused if he still loves me or not?
Lisa Redfield says
I don’t think that he doesn’t love you. When we are angry at someone, or frustrated, this feelings hide our real feelings (of love). When you work out your problems, he won’t be hesitant about his feelings.
Grace Sanchez says
Hello, I need some advice or help actually..my boyfriend and I have been together for about 7 months now and I love him very much but the problem is he hasn’t said the I love you words to me. I’ve said it to him probably like 3 or 4 times in the last 7 months. I don’t ask him why until recently I finally asked him and he told me only time will tell..now I’m not sure if I should just wait or leave him I need help I don’t know what to do. Please help me.
I have been with my bf for 7 months and everything’s great. We have recently came back from holiday and we got along really well but after we came back he kinda ignores me. I am so frustrated that don’t even know how to react. We used to text each other a lot and talk about everything. Past few days he barely messages me. I am
The one who starts conversation. He doesn’t reply my mesages. He doesn’t ask me to snap and show what I wear. I know after holiday he must be busy at work and wants to catch with friends. But he has time for instagram but not to reply my text? What had changed in few days? It’s been only couple of days so I don’t want to ask him and annoy him but we are needing his family next weekend and I don’t want to go if he acts like this cos it makes me really upset.
I have been in relationship for more than 4 years… Everything was good before three months… He changed his job 4 months before… Now his schedule is very busy he comes late at home at 10 pm… He is frustrated by his job a lot… And he has started loosing interest in me… His priorities are his friends now… He. Used to have healthy chats with me… Now he doesn’t feel like talking everyday… Yesterday he said out of frustration he doesn’t want to talk to me and I asked him does he love me… He said out of frustration he doesn’t love me… In morning, I said about his breaking up with me… He immediately called me… I didn’t answer him… Before also, because he doesn’t give me time now, I said about breakup but he is never ready of breaking up…. I am not able to understand him… What does he want
Hi ,I’m new in this blog,so here I go.I’ve been in 10 months relationship.I met him last year on internet using my fake account and he too as well.He confess that he was using a fake account too,so he decided to add me in my real account.We talk everyday until he said if he had a chance.But he didn’t call me even once,we just talk on chat box.So after that I said yes, a month ago.I just feel like he was always there for me.We shared a lot of things even our personal lives.Until it came to the point that we often argue because I was paranoid why he doesn’t message.I maybe did a lot of annoying things but he never give up on me.He said,he loves me very much that he wanna marry me someday.Actually were in a ldr ,and he tells me I have to wait 5 years or more.He always showed that he really loves me everyday.But recently after our often arguments ,he didn’t chat me unless I message him.He always said he was so busy and was tired so he had no more time to talk to me.Whenever I want him to open up any topic to start a conversation ,he can’t say anything but hmm, and said all we have talked was talked at the beggining.He really didn’t even call me.And I feel like he is hiding something from me.I always pleased and ask about it in a calm manner but he just say nothing.Every time I talk about it he became mad and ask why I keep on asking.He never say I love you anymore.He didn’t even greet unless if I did.I tell him everything that annoys and bothered me.Butbit feels like he doesn’t care anymore and didn’t talk to much because he said I easily get mad.What should I do,I loved him and I’m not sure if our relationship is working anymore.Is it one of the signs that he doesn’t love me anymore??
Please I need advice.
My boyfriend of 2.5 years says he has no “relationship feelings” for me anymore but still “has caring love for me” and “isn’t in the place for a relationship in life right now.” This has been going on for three months now. I tried NC, he even contacted me two months ago to ask if i wanted to meet up then we didnt speak for three weeks then i let temptation give in and i called him four times and texted him that i missed him, and he agreed to meet up with me only to say the same things and also (i go to school across the country but we met in high school and dated before i went off to college), he said “i cant be in a relationship with someone across the country.” He told me he wanted to stay friends and that i could text him whenever i wanted, he always claims to be “so busy” with work which he is but it’s really b/c he doesn’t want to talk to me. He ignored me twice so then i stopped texting for 2+ weeks then reached out again and we texted for over an hour. I talked about his favorite car and stuff like that and he mentioned he misses the intimacy we had “but just doesnt have relationship feelings anymore.” He didn’t ask to hookup as I reminded him that I don’t do that but I agreed on missing the intimacy as well which kinda surprised him. I asked him to text me when he’a free this week and he told me he would. Then I offered to come to his new apartment since I hadn’t seen it and he told me he didn’t want “our emotions to raise being around a bed” so i said “omg that makes sense u seemed like u didn’t want me to cone before” and he assumed i was mad, but i reassured him that i wasn’t and that id just like to see him. So for a week, he was the one reaching out to me to set up a time to meet up. When we met, he was very formal and distant. He asked if i wanted a hug and he made it pretty short. I gave him some letters that i wrote for him saying that i really do love him and respect him. When I said I had some letters for him, he just sighed and said “ok.” I go back to school today. He texted me he was sorry he couldnt meet with me before I went back. Should I do NC again? I really do want him in my life.
And what if he is not your boyfriend yet, just a guy you’ve been to some dates together. Can we still win his interest back? Even tough you told him to take some time to figure out what he honestly wanted, because you would be fine regardless of whatever he decided to do.
This is ridiculous… if he does all those things then he is a coward and doesn’t want to be with you. Don’t you want better for yourself? Really? This is the problem with the world, we tell women to put up with this type of rubbish which means men think that they can treat us this way. I’ve been in this position and I ended it. Of course it hurts but you will ALWAYS get over it in the end and move on.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months. We started out great, really happy and loving. We would do things together and laugh together. We even planned to move in together and talked about marriage eventually.
He’s helped me through a lot of stress and continued stress of moving house and money issues. Up until a week ago when, after he had been acting distant for a few weeks, I asked him what was wrong and he told me he thought he didn’t feel the same as he did in the beginning. He said he doesn’t know when it changed only that it has. He has agreeded to try and work at it and see if he can feel the same way again. He says he still loves me and wants me sexually but he doesn’t want to get my expectations too high, that one day I may want more but he won’t.
Please help me, I’m at a total loss of what to do, or how I should act now. Is it just all the stress I’ve been putting on both of us? He has been depressed lately after finding out his mum has cancer could that be the cause? Or am I just trying to fix something that will never be anything more.
Lisa Redfield says
I think that it’s probably the stress that you both are going/went through, like you suggested. I think the best “cure” for this is to give him some space, lowering expectations (in regards to him helping you out with your issues) and generally remove any kind of pressure off him.
The secret is to focus on having fun, and only having fun. When the pressure is off, his love for you can re-surface and he won’t think about leaving. It will allow him to work on his issues (same with you) – and when the stress goes away you can get back to the happy couple you used to be.
My boyfriend says he doesn’t know what he feels anymore and he tries to remind himself that he loves me and he feels all this is because of distance that he feels when he sees me all will be ok and he says he doesn’t want me to leave his life and he feels breaking up with me will be a decision he will always regret and he doesn’t want me to hate him… What should I do??
hey there ,
i did loved your article and i would like to ask a question.
My boy friend has never told me that he loves me i was the one to tell him that and he always says ( i love you too) but i can see no prouve for that. he never treats me well , we have never had romantic talks even when we’re having sex . and now we stopped nearly every thing ( like for 15 days ago) i keep talking to him but in deep down of me i feel like he is answering me and hanging out with me just because he feels guilty about “us” and he finds it hard to broke up with (me since he keeps telling me that i am a verry nice person ).
I am verry positive so far and am dealing well with my life without him but inside i am kinda scared of loosing him .
Can you help me lto find a way to gain him back
Me and my boyfriend use to be friend when we were 15 we hadn’t seen each other in 7 year, we were both in the same pub one night when we met and both of us from then on could not get enough of each other we had a little girl a year later and still things were fine then in December we went on a separate night out and I was a little of with him because I had far to much to drink and from that night in December my life has had a massive turn he has changed so much he told me in December he doesn’t love me but he will still live with me to see if he can love me again so until April this year he text me while he was at work saying he hates me doesn’t love me anymore he just want our daughter and he is going to take her of me he started humiliating me in front of his friend making me look so little he started lying to me about little thing every day and he is normally the most perfect person but this year he has massively changed. In may he told me he wants to stay and make it work but he isn’t the same person anymore he like us to do separate thing and not together he doesn’t touch me anymore like he always did only kisses me maybe once a month and we never do anything in the bedroom anymore only when he is desperate! It never feels normal if he does touch me now because it’s been 7 month. I’ve spoke about it so many times with him and he just says what more do you want we are fine am no different am still the happy loving person I’ve always been, but he can’t see that he isn’t the same person anymore and I don’t no if he loves me either he always made sure I knew I was loved on the phone leaving little notes around the house just telling me to my face and now the last time he told me was December. I just don’t no what to do anymore I feel stuck
Aishwarya Vandali says
This is Ash. I’m currently a sophmore in college and my boyfriend’s Senior. We began dating 7months ago. My boyfriend recently just broke up. Initially in the relationship we were very strong. we loved spending time with each other. We loved and cared about each other. He would amke me food at 4am in the morning. During our finals week I was sick. He took care of me like my father would. Made me soup. Stayed by me 24/7. There were times he said he wanted to marry me right away. He would say I’m the best thing that happened to me. 3 konths into the relationship I was living in apartment. I hadnt moved in. But I would spend my nights there. We would study together, eat togtehr , sleep toegther. 5 months into the relationship he began to pull away. He would say I want to stuy, I have work. I accpet I overreacted. I was so use to him being my side always, I did not like it. We would ahve fights because of that. But he still stuck by me. We would ahve our moments here and there. But we were strong. I knew he loved me and I knew I loved him dearly. Last month, I left to home for summer. Before going off to summer we had a lot of fights. I said pretty bad stuff to me and vice versa. He said he loves me but he wants to go on a break. I freaked out. I cried. I texted him. I yelled at him. Hurt his ego. Just when I thought we were done for good. he texted me he wanted to give us a second chance. We tried. i was scared i would lose him. I did all kinds of things to keep him close. He texted me few days becak he does not feel the same anymore. He says does not feel excited to text me or make me feel special becasue hurt his ego very bad. But I want him back in my life. What we shared for those seven months was real and special. We connected. I dont want him to stay as a memory. What do i do?
Lisa Redfield says
Please read your question again and see in every line what went wrong, and how next time you can do things differently.
I think you know exactly what went wrong, and when you do – you have power now. You can not repeat the same things that hurt your relationship again. Right?
You’ll have to think differently. You’ll have to trust. Know your value. Expect the best.
I’m just after a bit of advice. I’m 30, my boyfriend is 35, we’ve been together for just over 3 years now. He was crazy about me in the beginning, said and did nice things for me, paid attention to me, pursued me, shared his feelings for me and that has all died off now (I didn’t expect it to last forever) however I’m feeling like there’s distance between us and we’re not communicating on the same level at the moment. We argue about the same issues and things seem to get blown out of proportion and then he returns to normal like nothing has happened and I’m left wondering what the hell happened and how can we just return to normal without talking. He has told me he is feeling depressed and low due to money and work and that’s why he’s angry and stressed all the time. A few weeks ago we had an argument where he told me he didn’t want to be with me anymore because it’s hard work even though he loves me very much. Afterwards he said he didn’t mean it but only because I pressed him about it and asked because it was really hurtful. Because of his money problems I’ve been paying for things myself and trying to be more helpful but then he says he doesn’t need my help.
I guess what I’m wondering is should I step back and not bring this up (I don’t want to add to his stress) and just go about my life or should I raise it with him? I tend to get emotional and talk a lot during arguments whereas he pulls away so I don’t know if he doesn’t want to talk, or does but needs prompting. He has mentioned to me a couple of times that I’ve been acting differently which I’m not intentionally doing but I’m wondering if I’m starting to throw-off distance vibes myself. I’m actually at a point in the relationship where I want to have a serious talk about marriage and starting a family and this has been occupying my thoughts a bit where I’ve been thinking is the timing bad, how do I bring it up, what if he doesn’t want to talk about it, what if I’ve spent 3 years with him and he doesn’t want these things?
I’d really appreciate your advice!
Lisa Redfield says
When we fall in love, we see only the best things in each other. That’s why it’s so easy and so much fun. But when time goes by, we start depending on our spouse to be able to be happy. We expect them to behave in a certain way so we can feel happy and satisfied. That’s a burden no one can take. Not for long anyway, and no matter how much love we have.
I suspect this has happened with the two of you as well. It’s the most common thing that ruins relationships all around the world.
Also, I do believe that money and work bring him down (it’s very common too), and the reason he doesn’t want your help is because he wants to feel he can do it on his own. He wants to feel independent and free – and so do you, whether you know it or not. We all do.
I think this is probably not the best time to bring up marriage. Not until you get your balance and good mood back (both of you).
If I were you I would try to reduce my expectations to nothing. To be happy no matter how he acts and what he does, at least for a little while. It will empower you, remind of your self worth, and will free him from any burden of being responsible for your happiness. That’s the most attracting “mode” anyone can be in.
If you give it a try, the change in his behavior (in response to yours) will be evident in no time.
I hope this helps and good luck!
Sheri Houghton says
I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years and had our ups and down but sometimes he won’t talk to me and sometimes when I say I love you he don’t say it back why would he not respond sometimes with a I love you back?
Thanks Lisa. I have stayed away completely, which I don’t think he was expecting in all honestly. I have not contacted him, so he has no reason to be mad at me for bombarding him or not respecting this time.
But given what he said about the relationship making him depressed, him snapping and loosing his temper at me could that be linked to his depression/stress and not towards me directly. The vast majority of the time, I haven’t done a thing or said anything and I’m the one having it in the neck. I just want to know if complete time away can resolve this and allow people to start afresh?
I’m going through a pretty difficult time at the moment. My ex and I had been together for 2 years, and there is 10 years between us; me being 24 and him 34.
When we first met things couldn’t have been more amazing, and we fell in love and it was all more than I could have dreamt of.
Anyway, at the beginning of our relationship I had lost my Grandfather who was like a second father to me, and in January of last year I found out I was pregnant and due to many factors we couldn’t keep the baby. Although this was the right decision, it was by no means an easy one for either of us. I grieved this period, however my ex completely shut down and didn’t want to hear it being mentioned. Since then things hadn’t been great between us, for months he became very snappy, unpredictable in his behaviour and moods and would argue with me about the most trivial of things. For example, kick off at me for asking him to switch off my wiper blades before going through a car wash. This example is the most recent occasion which eventually ended the relationship by him. Following this incident, he told me he needed ‘5 minutes’ and upon returning to the flat he said “I think it’s best you go home”, so listening to him and not wanting to prolong his mood I left. Whilst driving home he called me, and then messaged me saying “I was calling to say you could’ve stayed, but I’m guessing you’re home already”. I did not respond to this as I wanted to cool down and not snap at him. From later texing him to say I was home and had left as soon as he told me to, he ignored me for 2 weeks. Ignoring my texts and calls that weren’t obsessive or clingy, just asking him if he was okay and if we could see each other. Still no response, so last Sunday I went down to his flat as I tried to call and realised he’d blocked me. After opening the door he told me I shouldn’t be there and he wanted me to leave. I said I had come down to check on him as I was concerned he’d became depressed (as he admittingly suffers from it). He snapped at me and said “no you haven’t, I want you to leave”, in response to this I said I came down to see how you were as I was concerned for him, and came down to see what he wanted me to do with my things. He said he wanted me to take them and to be quick about it. I was rather upset, crying at how cold he was being and the fact he’d ignored me for 2 weeks. I think 2 weeks worth of emotions came out. He said he was depressed by the relationship, that’s why he snaps at me and is horrible to me and it was unfair on him and myself. All the while he was sat away from me and couldnt really look at me. He said I’m not a bad person and am lovely and caring. But I know from seeing him in other situations such as work and driving etc he is very short tempered, work colleagues also say that he is hard work, snappy, argumentative etc and even confirmed he was like this before we met. I’m not saying that the stresses of the relationship havent played a part in his mental state, but he bottles a lot up and never talks about anything and tries to resolve matters himself. I know that his parents selling the family home and moving abroad really upsets him, as he is an only child and feels abandoned by them. He also doesnt have a great relationship with his Dad. So I strongly believe there are many factors rolled into one. I have tried to support him, and have said that if he ever needs to talk about anything he always knows I am there for him however big or small, to which his response is always “I’m fine” or “You keep on at me” and he goes into a strop and sometimes ignores me.
Following on from that Sunday, I asked him would he see how he feels in a month after having some space from me and the situation. He replied, “and you would give me this?” and stated he needed a period of no contact to get his head straight. I agreed to this, as I love him deeply and knows he does me – I know that a lot of his anger and frustration is not caused by me but is aimed by me. He has admitted that, and said he can be very horrible to me.
I was to be with him, and to help him as much as I can as I don’t believe in giving up or leaving the ones you love especially if they may need help.
I just wanted to ask your opinion on this, and whether I did the right thing in asking him to review things in a month or so after having some time completely to himself? Do you think there could still be hope for us?
An outsiders view would be very appreciated.
Lisa Redfield says
Yes Angela, I think you did the right thing. Take this month to focus on yourself and staying as calm as you can. See this post about the 60 day no contact rule to see the benefits of it and how to do it: https://howtogetaguytowantyou.com/60-day-no-contact-rule/
Thank you for your reply and for the link.
F o your experience, do you think there’s still hope for us given how he is?
I haven’t contacted him since we agreed the month off, which I think would be a shock to him as I’m the one who always gets in touch during times like this. I am hoping this month apart can really resolve things, allowing us both to hopefully start afresh with a clean slate together.
Do you think this is possible?
Lisa Redfield says
Yes, I think anything is possible. Stay positive.
But from your experience and having seen many a situation on here, is it realistic for a couple to return after a month of zero contact? Or i this just his way of getting out without a fuss or a fight from me?
He said that the relationship made him depressed, but when I suggested the month zero contact he did perk up somewhat and go “and you will give me that? to get my head straight?”.
This is the longest we’ve gone without any contact, and I just want to know is he even missing me? Do guys who call for a break or whatever actually miss the other person? I’m just trying to make sense of all of this.
Lisa Redfield says
Of course I’ve seen a lot of couples getting back together after no-contact, even much more than 30 days. I’m sure he misses you. But stop thinking about him, take this time to think about you. This is critical.
My Boyfriend and I were together for 2.5 years. He said he wanted space and would never confirm we were over but stopped answering my calls and texts. And said he loved me but wasn’t in love anymore. I blocked him to move past the pain because I kept reaching out for several weeks. And he responded last by saying he was only responding because “I warranted a response.” I don’t understand how we were fine and then weren’t.
Lisa Redfield says
I think that there’s no way you didn’t know something was up. I think your inner voice was “talking” to you but you chose not to listen, out of fear, or optimism…
Anyway, here’s another post of mine if you want to learn how to try and get him back (if you are totally sure it’s the right thing for you…): https://howtogetaguytowantyou.com/make-him-regret-leaving-you/
Hi Lisa, this is so much to write but I’ll try and condense it. Okay, so me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 2 years now.. we fight constantly. Pretty much every day. And when I apologize, he disregards it or just continues fighting with me because he doesn’t think it’s sincere when I honestly mean it. He’s lied to me about several things during our relationship and it’s really hard for me to trust him now but he says that he doesn’t know what to do about that. He also says he doesn’t know what to do about me feeling insecure. But he doesn’t ever compliment me anymore or flirt with me or any of the stuff that I had originally really liked about him. He’s different. And whenever we get into really big fights we always say that we’re done and whatever but he never actually leaves. But he’s said so many mean things to me when he’s angry and they get left in my brain. He says that’s stupid and asks me why I want to remember that, like he thinks that I want to or something. Sometimes I just can’t handle it and I get so mad and I tell him to leave but he never does. I always say that he’s just trying to instigate me and keep fighting but he claims he doesn’t like fighting. Idk, it’s all confusing and I cry almost daily because of all the emotions that i endure. He doesn’t comfort me, and most of the time thinks I’m crying to throw a pity party but I’m just a sensitive person. Yes I’ve tried talking to him about that and about everything. I’ve done almost everything I can do. I think I still love him, I know that it would hurt so bad to lose him. But I hate feeling this way all the time. I don’t know how to stop the fighting. I’ve tried my hardest and I’ve even recommended doing couples therapy but he thinks that’s stupid. Please help. I’ve said that I’ve wanted to break up so many times but when he asks me if I’m 100% positive I always choke. Because I really don’t know, but I do know that I don’t want to feel this way anymore. Sorry that was much longer than I planned but there’s honestly so much more. Please help. 🙁
P.S. we also live together
Lisa Redfield says
From what you’ve written to me I can see, as an outsider of course, that you may have a self esteem problem, which leads to you feeling insecure, which leads to you projecting that on him, which makes him feels choked and wanting to run away.
It’s hard to understand and remember, but we all want to feel free.
You want to NOT depend on him to feel worthy as a human being (but you are), and he doesn’t want to be responsible for your self worth feelings.
I don’t know if this makes any sense to you.
But, if you really want your feelings to change, you’ll have to take control of your thoughts – and change them. You have to take the focus off the outside of you (meaning him) and focus on the inside of you. Notice your thoughts. Notice that you fight with him because you want something from him that he can’t provide – a feeling of security and self worth.
I hope this helps, it’s just my 2 cents.
My boyfriend of 5 years just up and left me and his 2 kids I haven’t heard from him and he hasn’t tried to even attempt a call. Lately before he left we were having some issues he would always accuse me of doing something which in reality I would be at home caring for my family I’m still trying to hold on that he does still care but it’s hard what do u think. Should I move on I mean he’s been able to call his friends and his mother but not me?? Any ideas on what’s going on am I going insane.
Lisa Redfield says
I think you should give it a little more time. Sometimes people just can’t handle their feelings and they run away. But he will be back, I’m sure.
Dear Lisa, I know it’s not easy trying to have the right answers for everyone but you have been doing so wonderfully well. Well done.
I dated a guy 5 years ago and everything was fine for 2years till distance separated us and communication between us came at a standstill. He claimed he waited for me while I thought he stylishly broke up with me and well I moved on. When he learnt about the new guy he was hurt and then officially broke up with me as I ‘cheated’. Now just last year,we started talking again and because I still had feelings for him and we were both single we decided to give it another shot. Though we still live in different ststes, I was willing to make it work this time around. Until he told me there is a lady he’s presently accommodating in his house who he’s helping out for now as she is an orphan. At first i was ok but now knowing her staying is indefinite is getting me upset and angry. I told him I wasn’t ok with it any longer hoping he would look for a way to send her out, but he’s still insisting he won’t. That only on the condition I come live with him since I’m jealous. Does it mean he’s dating her too? As a result of this, we haven’t spoken for 4 days. I love him but I still want her out of his house. Please advise
Lisa Redfield says
I have no way of knowing what kind of a relationship he has with this woman, and I think you should find out for sure before you make any assumptions and get all upset about it.
This story sounds strange though, I need more info…
Hi I’m Emma. I have been very sad for a few weeks because my boyfriend and I don’t talk as we used to. He used to start conversations and talk to me and make so many plans with me. Now I’m the one starting everything. He has no more time talking and shuts me out. I think I know what this means but I am just way to scarred to face the truth. What should I do? What do you think this means?
Lisa Redfield says
It doesn’t have to mean what you think it means. Maybe he is going through something? Maybe he feels more comfortable with you so he doesn’t “chase” you all the time?
Give it some time. Try to calm down and focus on yourself for a while.
hi I’m Lexi
so lately my boyfriend doesn’t seem to wanna be with me anymore he says he loves me and cares for me but I don’t believe so I feel like a ghost and a bother when I’m with him he’s always hanging with his friends or family and I’m scared he doesn’t love me anymore and he only wants me for my body I feel hes coming up with excuses and he will never let me look at his phone once ever since we stated dating and lately he says hes been “sleeping” during the day time form 4-6 hours I’m afraid hes cheating on me and I don’t know what to do
let me advice you by saying don’t ever lose hope now its your time to look what God has been given you….you must wait until you get what you deserve……everything happens slowly
So my boyfriend (now ex) and I live together. We’ve been planning a future, he’s been looking at houses and talking about marriage and all that good stuff. Well on Friday, we got into this huge argument. I wanted to have a date night but his female friend said she needed to talk to him. So he went to her.. he said he’d be back by 6:30, but lost track of time, and I was okay with that. But when I talked to him at 7:30, he said it’d be another hour or 2 before he came home. And like any woman, I was angry. I was hurt because I felt like he was choosing her over me. I said some very awful things about his friend. And accused him of cheating on me. I’ve always had trust issues and I thought I could have trust in him. But a few months into our relationship he lied to me about a friend. Told me she was gay and that she had a girlfriend. I found out that none of that was the case and they had actually been romantically involved. So I do have a hard time with trusting him. Well, Friday night, after the argument, he finally came home. And he broke up with me. Now he’s trying to say the reason he’s leaving me is because he doesn’t know what he wants and doesn’t know how he feels about me and he’s unsure if he loves me. I know and understand that I messed up. But he won’t give me a chance to talk to him about it.. He just keeps telling me that he’s been thinking about this for about 4 months. But I don’t believe that. You just know when someone loves you. The way they look at you and hold you. He would text me randomly telling me he loved me almost everyday while at work. But now he’s saying he was confused that whole time and was lying about loving me. What can I do to try to get him to open up to me and work things out?
Lisa Redfield says
I think that talking to him will not do much good. I think he has told you the truth but it’s hard, sometimes, to accept a truth that we don’t like or that hurts us.
Believe me, this doesn’t mean that he doesn’t or never loved you. Of course he does. But he IS confused and he needs time without you to figure things out.
I would let him have this time and try to focus on yourself instead.
Maybe this is a time for you, a golden opportunity to deal with your trust issues, that if left “intreated” will only come back to haunt whethehr it’s with this guy or any other guy you’ll meet in the future.
You see, when someone has “trust issues”, they kind of send out this vibe that they actually expect their spouse to lie. To violate their trust. And when they do, we are so surprised that our expectation has realized, has manifested.
If you ever want to have a happy relationship with anyone, this is the issue to take care of first.
You have to put your past behind you. Even if a hundred guys lied to you in the past, ,it doesn’t mean that the next guy will do it too. Unless you expect him to, that is. Do you see what I mean?
I hope this helps and I wish you all the best.
Me and my fiance have been together for 3 years and at first we were Inseparable we did things together all the time. We would just go out riding just for a date. The problem now Is we fight all the time, he says I get on his nerves and I’m a pest. We don’t have much sex lately unless it’s when he wants it. He says he loves me I just don’t understand how he could if he says hurtful things on purpose. What do I so ?
So I could really use some help with my situation. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years. As soon as I met him I thought he was my one. Well as few months in he got into it with his family and moved in with my family and my mom welcomed him on because he was always great to me. I soon made plans to move out with him because I didn’t want to live with my parents and we have almost been living alone for a year now. Ever since we moved into this house we get into fights what it feels like constantly but it’s more like once a month. He makes me feel terrible for starting the fight. I saw him flirting with a few girls on his phone and said something. He made me few terrible each time and I would always think after that I had a right to be mad! We would talk about marriage before and now he HATES when I even ask about it. I feel like he doesn’t love me anymore and he just doesn’t want to end things with me because I wait on him hand and foot and he got used to it. He isn’t romantic with me either and he doesn’t buy me stuff except for Christmas. Not my birthday or even when we had our anniversary. What should I do?
Lisa Redfield says
Why don’t you stop looking after him and doing everything for him and see what happens then?
I’m sure you would’t want a guy to be with you just because you serve him right?
nancy king says
My live in boyfriend has a woman ‘friend’ but he once was interested in her. He claims that he only sees her as a friend now but i just want her out of his life period. Since he knows I wont like it, he goes to visit her behind my back. At one point I tried to befriend her but with little luck. They continue their private friendship. I am fairly certain she does not want a relationship with him but only the favors she gets him to do like lend her money. I’m not so sure about him but he blows up if i even mention it? Should i leave? I would welcome any advice. This has gone on for 7 years. ( I’ve only known about the broad for 3)
Lisa Redfield says
I understand how this makes you feel. I don’t think it’s a reason for leaving, but it does seem like she is very important to him, because he gets angry when you mention it.
The problem is you can’t really force him to get her out of his life, without paying a price in your relationship. No one likes to be told what to do. So, to feel free from this cloud over your head, you’ll have to decide one of the two: Either you trust him completely and let it go (just trust that they’re only friends and nothing else is going on), or you don’t trust him and your relationship enough, which means you’ll have to end it to stop the constant doubt.
These are the only two choices, as I see it. Not easy, but possible. What’s it going to be?
I was friends with my boyfriend for a year but I always really liked him. We went to the same place undergrad and started talking this summer when I would come back to visit. He officially asked me out in September and we decided to try long distance. We would see each other 1-3 times a month and communicate everyday. He was always super kind to me. He’d tell me how much he cared about me and how lucky he thought he was. He is in the navy and was supposed to move farther away for school in January. I was supposed to go to his friends wedding with him New Year’s Eve. In December he started being even more flirty, sending pictures, and making plans for the night in the hotel room NYE. After the wedding I was going to spend more time with him and go back to his family’s home. I thought we were forming an even deeper question. I would tell him how much I like him and he would respond saying the same thing. I was going to tell him I love him NYE. A couple of days before he started acting strange. He called said I wasn’t his priority anymore, he didn’t care about me, and he didn’t even like me when he came to my house in November. He said it was all a lie and he just liked the emotional high from making out. Meanwhile he’d still been calling me babe and saying he couldn’t wait to see me and really liked me. Now I’m the one who was left heartbroken and hurt and blindsided by the break up. How do I get him to want me back or what do I do?
Okay so my boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months now and he has never been the romantic type he shows he loves me in other ways tho so that’s not the problem he’s always telling me that he used to be romantic but they broke his heart and it’s hard for him to be that way again he confessed to me after 6 months that he sometimes he feels like we are not meant to be but that most of the time he feels we are he also confessed that he was involved with another girl 2 months before he met me and that for the first half of our relationship he didn’t really focus on me because he was still kinda attached to that girl and told me now he’s completely over her I told him after all that I feel kinda used and like a rebound and if he’s not 100 percent I really don’t wanna continue he says he feels if he breaks up with me he regret it and he might be wrong and he thinks I could be the one now I’m so confused and just emotionally exhausted because I feel the same way about him somedays I imagine him being the perfect husband and father to my kids and sometimes I think to myself what am I doing with him? I know I like this guy a lot and I don’t wanna lose him and he doesn’t wanna lose me what can we do? Are we doomed?
gf of 4yrs says
yohhh everything you’ve said is exactly what my guy is doing!! everything!!! what surprises me is that why is still telling me that we gonna fix things and still want have sex with me. I asked him if he’s sure that we still moving ahead by fixing our relationship and he said he’s gonna think about it.. what could be the problem exactly?
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 yrs off and on. We live together and he also has a freeloader friend who lives here that he spends all his time with and communicates with more than me. He has been gambling and drinking since his friend has lived here. I told him off because I was hurt from his behavior. I apologize to him for my words he just ignored me. I asked him to his face if he doesn’t love me or like me anymore to tell me so I can move out his response was don’t talk to him right now. And he has been sleeping on the couch. It’s like his friend is his anchor. I don’t know what to do. I’m tired of stress and crying
Lisa Redfield says
The drinking and gambling implies that he suffers from depression, and yes, his friend is his anchor right now. None of this should be taken personally by you. It has nothing to do with you. He is not mentally well right now. The question here is what’s right for you in this situation. Can you accept him the way he is? Do you have patience to wait until he is better? Can you focus on the good in him? If the answers are yes than stay with him, without asking questions r demanding anything. If your inner voice says you can’t accept him, than move on.
I hope this helps.
I have a question I have been in a relationship for 6 months it’s a long distance relationship about an hour away.He works mon – sat from 8am until 10pm hours vary. His only day off is Sunday how can I make this relationship work, if he sometimes wants to be at home with his family? Is this selfish of me that I want to see him all the time.We usually see each other on weekends and sometimes we don’t see each other until 2 weeks have passed?We talk about the future,we talk everyday, but it’s bothering me that we can’t see each other more often.We don’t have kids.He doesn’t have a car but when he comes to see me he rents a car and I go visit him as well.
Lisa Redfield says
I think that there’s no point to fight the situation. Right now this is what you have, neaning this is all the time you have to see each other. Wanting to see him more is fine, and there’s nothing wrong with it, but what’s the point agonizing about it when it’s just not possible right now?
Everything is going great for you now and your relationship is good. Try not hurt it by slamming in the wall over and over again.
Nothing stays the same, they’ll be a time when the circumstances will change and you’ll get everything you want. Right now just focus on what you do have rather than what you don’t have.
I desperately need some advice. My name is B and I am in a relationship with a guy I’m madly in love with. We met a few years ago when I had a boyfriend. We talked and flirted a little but that was the extent because of my relationship. As soon as that relationship ended we hooked up and started hanging out. I came home to see him on my break from school and we spent a whole week together and one night he told me he loved me. I invited him to move in with me where I was going to school, states away. I’m now not in school due to financial reasons, we have no friends except each other, and we don’t really do much because we are always working. Our sex life is great. We do love each other but we have been fighting constantly. I recently found out I was pregnant. Before we confirmed it he kept saying things like “I won’t be upset if you are” and “I think it would be good for us to have a kid” but now it seems he is freaked out or something. I’ve tried asking him what he wants but he just says, you. But I’m not convinced. When we fight we talk about breaking up in the heat of it, but you can tell he doesnt want to do, or be the one to do it anyway. I guess my question is, will we ever go back to being happy the way we were or do you think he’s backing out now that I’m pregnant? He’s 26 and I’m 23 we aren’t THAT young but hes pretty immature still. I just want my sweet affection man back I’m not sure where he’s gone….
Lisa Redfield says
I think that he loves you and he is afraid of this change that’s coming to your relationship. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or wants to back out. The more calm and relaxed you’ll be, the more he will be too. Just give him the time he needs to get used to this idea and don’t pressure him. Pressure will make him run away.
I hope this helps and congratulations!
So me and my botfriend have been together for 3 years.. have a house a car and two dogs together!!
I can honestly say that before i met him the thought of marriage kids and living with a male made me feel sick and i never wanted any of that! But since we got together it all changed! I want it all with him! I love him!
Recently hes been distant! He no longer seems interested in me, only ever cuddles,kisses or has sex with me when hes had an alcoholic drink and never compliments me or sends me nice messages or says or does anything slightly romantic..
This is not like him at all.. i feel unloved and tbh i feel like hes pushing me away and that he doesnt want to be with me anymore? What do you think?
Lisa Redfield says
First of all it has nothing to do with you, and doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you anymore. Something external to your relationship is going on with him and he is not telling you about it for some reason. Try to work on your self esteem and keep confident through this, give him his time. At some point in the near future he’ll confide in you.
The more needy and stressed you’ll be, the more you’ll push him away.
I hope this helps and good luck!
My ex and i broke up 2 days ago because he was distant and said he doesnt love me anymore like he used to and when i asked him if he does have any love for me he said no. The problem here is, im head over heels in love with him and we have a 2 month old little boy. He seems to not really care about us and is just having fun not being in a relationship supposedly. Im just not sure what to do. It hurts me so much to be away but i see i have no effect on him. Can i also mention this is long distance because of schooling. A week ago he was saying he would never love anyone else and from day to night he went from saying i was everything to being an “i dont love you anymore.” And he didnt want to work it out for our sake either. I just dont know what to do. Should i ask for him back for the sake of our child and my feelings or should i let him wild it up in the single life he seems so happy with.
Lisa Redfield says
To tell you the truth, if I were you I would let him be. I know it sounds hard, but if you want to face reality, you can’t really fight it. Even if you beg and plead and he’ll come back, it probably won’t last. Let him have his freedom for a while and see if he decides to come back on his own.
I’m guessing that you are both very young?
We can’t force anyone else to do what we want. When we try, we push them away even further. I believe (and you should too) that if you accept the way he is and give him his freedom – It’s the best way to allow him to understand what’s important for him. Hopefully that includes his child.
Hello me and my boyfriend been together for 3 years now and we broke up a couple times because I need money and he couldn’t give it to me so I asked one of my old male friend but he was upset and broke up with me and now we are back together and a year later we moved into a apartment together, I kno that he still doesn’t trust me but he trying and just when I got him to trust me a bit better I did the same thing asked another man for money, now he is telling me when he is moving out when out lease is up and he don’t love me anymore yet he still takes me to family gatherings and spend time alone watching our favorite show and called me on the phone to have conversations and tell me good morning every morning. It hard to believe he is going to leave me if his actions shows different what do you think
Lisa Redfield says
I think that when you ask for money from another guy it hurts his ego. His ego is not your concern, it’s something he has to deal with.
The more important thing to focus on is not be in a place where you have to ask money from guys, right?…
Three out of the five. I love him dearly, I guess he doesn’t feel the same way.
My boyfriend and i have been in a relaitionship fkr 4 yrs and i lived together with him at his house (woth his 3 other older siblings) for the last 2 yrs. He is the very introvert type and sensitive guy. 5 motnhs ago we had our largest argement where i said that he is useless, why am i with him, i want to break, i want to move out. That was in June. Usually he would ignore what i say when i am angry but this time i really hurt him. I dint know until 3 motnhs later in Aug, he was ignorig me these 3 months so i asked what happend and pushed him to the edge before i told me he was hurt from the incident in June. I tried to appologize but he dint want to hear it,so the whole of september we ignored each other. He also told me to move out. I tried to appologuE for 3 days but he dint want to listen, so in the end i told him i would move out in end of Oct and he accepted. In Oct, his mood started to be ok, and he do ask me to go dinner with him (in Sept he went himself without asking me). Buy 20 Oct, i found a room and told him i would move out. He hugged me after i asked for it and said if u dont want to move out then no need to. I asked him to answer my question ” do you want me to stay or do you want me to leave? Please give me your answer.” For 3 days i asked him this question, finally he texted me and said “you better move out, you deserve a better man”.. i ask him to tell it to my face and he could not, then i told him i am not moving out, then he gets angry again. After this i told him since i force him to answer i need to respect it, i will move out in Dec. So the next few weeks he ignored me. After Nov 12, (his brothers wedding), he started to ask me if i wanted to have lunch or dinner with him. On my birthday, he even bought me a present but did not wish me a Happy Birthday (he never wished me before anyway). But when i checked his whatsapp with his Mum, when she asked him if we were both back on good terms, he answered No, she is findiing a house to move. So is he now treating me like a little sister that he is responsible for since i stay at his house, or does he still have feeling for me and is trying to fix it but wont show affection because of his ego?
Lisa Redfield says
Sadly I think he wants to break up. At least for now. He was hesitating because he doesn’t want to hurt you. That’s why he couldn’t say it to your face.
I believe him that you deserve someone else, especially if he says it. Not a better man, just a different one.
No one knows what the future brings but this is the situation right now. Do you want to still live with someone who wants you out?
That’s your decision. Do what’s good for you and what makes you feel good. Always.
So, I have been with my fiance for one year, best friends prior for two. At the beginning he was in a rush. Asked me to marry him after four months. Now a month after our first year he tells me he is severely depressed. I asked him blatantly if he wanted to break up at first he said no but being me I asked again. He replied. I just don’t know right now. I don’t know me and I don’t feel anything. I was instantly hurt. He then responded I don’t want to break up that’s not what he mean. Mind you this is all in a text conversation because he doesn’t know how to communicate verbally. I came home furious because I felt betrayed and heart broken. I tried to give him the ring back but he wouldnt take it. We couldn’t really talk because he had gotten drunk for the first time ever in our relationship. The next morning I asked him straight forward if he wanted to be with me. He replied I just don’t know. I live you deeply but I don’t know me. Now two days later I don’t know what to do. I read most of the conversation and the tips only two apply to my situation. I told him that I would support him and give him time but on the other side my anger at this is getting larger. I love him, live him deeply. Feel he is my soul mate but I don’t know if I can do this again. I really appreciate an answer beside listen to your heart or you already know. I honestly don’t. Is he trying to leave but to afraid to hurt me or is he going through something that I can’t help him. Should I call it out even though that breaks my heart or should I wait.
Lisa Redfield says
First of all, anyone who is depressed is not loving himself. Can we agree on that? Also, the same person does not know who he is. Just like he told you.
Now tell me, can a man who doesn’t love himself and does not know who he is – Love anyone else?
The answer is no.
He is telling you the truth, and you resisting it. You do not accpet it. And you call it betrayal.
When he asked you to marry him in the past he meant it. Now he feels differently. This is not betrayal, it’s the truth. Betrayal would be lying to you and telling you what you want to hear instead. Is that what you really want?
Now, how you feel about this is your own choice. You can make this about you, and how bad it makes you feel, or you can appreciate that he is telling you the truth and decide what fits you in this situation.
Think about it, meditate on it, and get to a decision. When you do, stick with it. Don’t make this about you, it’s not about you.
If you decide to support him like you told him, decide it from your heart, not because it’s the right thing to say and you expect something in return.
Supporting him means deeply understanding his situation right now and not fighting it. Try to be in his shoes for a while.
Than you’ll be able to know whether to stay with him through this, or not. And you won’t be angry, or disappointed.
Alexis Lyken says
My boyfriend an I have been together for 4 months now. We fell for each other within the 1st month. For a few weeks now hes been getting very distant. He doesnt call or text, and i dont get to see him everyday. Due to him being busy He says everythings still good between us but intentionally wont talk to me even when hes not bust. And he freaks out over the simplist things. It makes me feel really lonely. And i brought it up to him many times and ive even suggested that we take a break, but he gets mad when i talk about things like that and makes me the bad guy. We both dont know how to talk about emotions and he doesnt understand when he makes me feel bad. I just dont know where to go from here
Hi, Lisa. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year and a half now and have been in a long distance relationship. He chose to go to a college that is out of state, this was before we got together. He felt really bad for leaving, but I gave him my best wishes and told him to go to his dream school.
Lisa, I need your advice. What can I do to coop with this distance? I love seeing him smile, hearing his laugh. I love being able to reach out and hug him. I love watching movies with him and curling up on the couch together. I am putting the physical part of our relationship on the backburner (which is a big sacrifice to me), until the moment that we are together again. I love him. I can see a future with him if we can just make it through the years we have to spend apart (we have two more years to go after fall of 2017).
I’m sorry if this came out really long, but I just really need a word of advice right now from someone who doesn’t know me or my boyfriend personally. Thank you so much for reading this.
Lisa Redfield says
I’m sorry I had to cut your question short, I’m sure you understand.
I understand how you feel, but in your words I saw that you already know the answer.
If you want to keep him, and keep the love alive through lomg distance, you’ll have to give him freedom. Freedom to be who he is just the way he is. If you push and pressure him you’ll push him away as well.
You have to work on your dependance upon things you say you “need”. You don’t really need anything, it’s just a series of thougts that turned into a belief.
I don’t know if you get where I’m going. But again: In order to feel good you have to work on yourself and your negative emotion. There’s nothing he has to do but be himself. This is the truth and the only way not to ruin a LDR or any other relationship.
For further tips about keeping a happy and close LDR see this post:
Anne H says
Hi, well honestly I don’t know what to do or think anymore. I’ve never done this but I’ll try it out. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 years, we broke up before because I messed up with someone else but that was back in high school like 2 years ago. Me and him live together and he’s not much of a social person so it’s basically always me and him together. A few days ago we got into a huge fight and he has been telling me he doesn’t want to be w/me anymore but he still loves me and that I’m his everythingand wants time alone BUT still wants to live with me, pick me up from work, do things together etc… he still points me out to his coworkers and everyone as his fiancé and gf. Holds my hand and still sleep in the same bed together. But then when I ask him if he’s ok he’ll say that he doesn’t want to be with me, and that I’m pretty much forcing him to be w/me. That he needs time to think and to be alone. Even though the last time this happened, he regretted everything and wanted to be with me and he missed me and all this stuff. He’s never been unfaithful, or a liar. He’s actually brutally honest. So I’m just confused….
Lisa Redfield says
I think you know deep down the truth. You know he is being honest with you. It’s as simple as he says. He wants to be alone right now. But he is afraid of being without you at the same time. His fear doesn’t matter, because this is what he wants to experience right now.
Now you have to decide what you want to do about it. He is afraid to break up with you, but that’s what he wants.
What do you want to do now?
The answer is inside you.
Hi my boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now and we live in a small room together behind his parents house. He’s said he loves me in the past. We’ve had a few bumps in the road. This is his first serious relationship. He says he’s content with how we’re doing. But he doesn’t know if he loves me. He says he has nothing to compare it to, so he doesn’t know if this is love. We tried to be apart. I went to live with my mom. I was only there for one night and the next night he brought some of my stuff over for me and he cried. I cried and said I wanted to come home. He said it feels wrong to be apart that this room is so cold without me. We have seemed to be okay. We do everything we do in a relationship but he can’t say I love you to me. Am I just freaking out for no reason? Do I just give him space and not 1st I love you for a while?
Lisa Redfield says
It seems like he is afraid that if he says I love you, it’s like a marriage proposal. He seems to need more time to sort out his feelings. Now you have to decide if you can relax and enjoy your relationship just as it is, or not. If you can’t, and you feel you can’t go any further without his I love you’s, than yes, give him space. And more importantly, give yourself space.
Hi, whenever I have a h2h talk with my bf, he seems to be avoiding it or giving me vague and short answers. This time round I had a more serious h2h talk with the mention of thinking of breaking up. And finally, for ONCE he spoke from his heart (i hope). He seemed very pressured. I’m also pressured, whether will we last a long time. I feel that he’s confused with himself as well, saying “idk”, “you are impt…” and a moment later saying “i’m tired of everything”, “i’m the problem”, “prefer being alone”, “happier around friends” etc. I listed down 2 of my needs clearly and sent to him. And now I give him 2 days to sort out his feelings (no communication between us for 2 days), before discussing again because I am afraid that if I continue saying things he might just go crazy. And I couldn’t bear to lose him because I’ve been with him for 7 almost 8 months (longest rs in my life).
My ex and I have been together almost 2 years now. We used to be so happy and have so much fun.. then I started becoming really insecure and accuse him, and overthink about things. It really stressed him out and we would fight and argue and get over it the next day. He would block me for a day then he would talk to me again. He said he loves me all the time but then when we fought he told me he didn’t know if he did or not. He always would say he doesn’t want a relationship but nothing changed. He said he doesn’t have fun like we used too, and he’s so stressed out about what he’s doing in his life and he doesn’t want one of us holding eachother back. I don’t know it’s really confusing because we broke up on a Saturday then we haven’t talked and he got back with me on my birthday because I told him how I felt. We made up and he took me out but then that Saturday we went to his friends and hung out and he was all over me. Then Sunday comes and he broke up with me and blocked me, then he unblocked me again. We’ve been broken up for about a week or so and he’s been doing things to make me jealous and maybe try to get my attention.. I just want to know if theres anything I can do to help us. We’ve never had this much space from eachother and it feels good. He says he feels stressed free… that’s because I always was focused on him and not myself. Now I began to realize I can’t to that and maybe that’s what made him not want to be with me. I want him back so bad and would do anything to make us work but he doesn’t think it will because I’ve said this so many times and we never really took space and I think thats what we needed.. help!!
Lisa Redfield says
Jealousy, neediness and expectation are the 3 biggest killers of relationships.
He has told you the reason for him pulling away, and he is telling the truth.
Love can’t be killed though, only relationships.
If you can find a way to set him free, if only in your mind, you may succeed inn getting him back. By setting him free I mean no more neediness and expectations.
I hope you understand what I’m saying. This requires some thinking about your self esteem and self love, before you’ll be able to do anything else.
I’m not sure if this is related to the topic of men falling out of love, but you seem to give good advice.
My man and I have been together almost two years. We went out for beers two or three times when he said he loved me, but this was only a few days apart not a few months. I was alarmed by the rush, but we went back to his place and became physical. He said we should get married, and I was high off finally finding a man to marry me and agreed. We filed for a certificate downtown and were going to do it Quaker style. I freaked out at the speed of everything and stopped the marriage.
My issues with him are as follows:
He said he loves me but doesn’t like me.
He doesn’t like my hair and wants me to dye it black.
He said I’m fat, which I would love to lose weight but stressing over it isn’t going to help me.
His best friend is a woman, which I respect but I don’t think he handles the dynamic very well. I’ve felt disrespected over her three times. I don’t know if they are honest mistakes or red flags that he doesn’t care how I feel. He is also a hypocrite and says I don’t need guy friends besides my pastor.
Lisa Redfield says
I’m sorry I had to cut your story short. I actually cut it exactly where I see the problem.
This guy doesn’t accept you. He wants to change you. Wanting to change someone is not love. When you love someone, you love him the way he is.
I don’t know why your self esteem is so low (the first hint was saying “I finally found someone wanting to marry me”), but it affects your choices in life.
You don’t have to find someone to be willing to marry you. You are perfect just the way you are, and the right guy will see it and be excited to marry you. He won’t try to change you (not before a few years of marriage go by…).
The problem is not with him, it’s with your thoughts about yourself. We attract the person that reflects what we think about our self.
I hope you understand what I’m saying.
I would pull away and rebuild my self worth and self esteem before I date anyone else. Anything else is a waste of time.
Lisa I appreciate that you have this blog for many people like my self who would like to hear someone’s opinion.
I only see the signs , plus he tells me he doesn’t care for me or what I think but why am I still here why can’t I just leave and not feel anything. He gets upset when I say something about him hanging to much with his kids and does everything for them I mean they have jobs there in there twentys am I wrong for feeling like this ? But I made mistakes before but that’s the past I font do what I did a long time ago he is constantly with his kids and I mean I’m home and I can’t say anything because of I do all hell breaks loose ! What should I do and when I want to leave him he tells me he loves me and there I go he is 43 and I am 29 there’s a difference and I try to help him because he has type 1 diabetes he said that I don’t Care but I’m the one constantly crying trying to tell him how I feel and he just doesn’t give a damn till I’m laying down he will finally come and hug me then I give in again what does everyone think I should do .
Emmarie Snider says
My boyfriend seems to have been distancing himself away from me. He doesn’t look at me the way he used to, he seems to touch me less, he ended up making a dating site in front of me just to look at other girls. He has been ignoring my text a lot, he seems to be distancing himself away from me and I have no idea why. We have these stupid arguments and every time we have these arguments he sits here and talks about having sex with other girls and how he wants to screw the heck out of them. He has stopped talking about the future with me, he used to want a family with me, but now he tells me he’s not sure!!!! He hasnt said loved me for days. He says he is NEVER going to break up with me and his love as NOT changed and that he is NEVER going to cheat on me. Should I believe him or not….for all three???
Lisa Redfield says
No, I don’t think that you should believe him. I always think that actions speak louder than words. If he is showing you a lack of interest, that’s what really happening.
I think that you shouldn’t ignore it and wait for it to go away on its own, and decide what’s right for you in this situation. If that’s hard. try thinking what you would have advised your best friend to do in this situation.
When you do, take out ego, anger and jealousy out of the equation. If you do, the right thing will come up, straight from your true inner voice. Your intuition.
I need your advise. Im with my boyfriend for 4 years now. I recently just dreamt that he cheated on me. I always trust my instinct and asked whether he is seeing someone else or talking to somebody new. He said no. But told me that our relationship has not been the best, quite rocky. It was his first time being brutally honest about our relationship, so i was shocked.
He told me that this is his first time in a long term relationship so he is confused with his feeling ( He never pass the 3 years relationship). He felt distant with everything (family, friends and me) as he just started working so he is quite occupied with work at the moment. He wanted to take a time off and just needed his space.
I felt that he was more distance, i thought it was just work related. He was moody all the time, and didn’t want to spend most of our time together. I knew something was wrong but i ignored it. I was indenial, thinking that its a phase.
He felt the same thing too, so we are both in a rut. All the signs above is happening… I love this guy so much. I really want to marry him. Dont want to waste my 4 years investing in the relationship just like that! I’m so scared of losing him. I know deep down he loves me, but no longer in love with me. 🙁 He told me that he would want to marry me, one fine day. We dont have much money as both of us just started working so marriage will be the last thing right now.
We are still talking with each other right now, just to keep the love alive. But I can sense that he already knows it, but dont want to break my heart. So he is staying in the relationship just so that we both work things out. He said he just need some space, and he will be okay in the future (which i dont know when???) I feel its unfair to treat me, when he need me or to speak with me when he feels like it.
I dont know what else can I do. Please help me.
Lisa Redfield says
I think that he doesn’t break up with you because he wants to avoid the “drama”. He also obviously doesn’t want to hurt your feelings because he still loves you. Love never dies, relationships do, unfortunately.
I think that you should listen to that little inner voice telling you the truth this entire time, because this is the truth, and avoiding it won’t hep with anything.
I don’t think he will be “o.k in the future”. He is o.k now, and so are you. You have to decide whether you can handle this breakup right now or push it off to later. It’s a matter of how string you feel right now.
The 4 years you’ve invested” are not lost. These are 4 years you had fun together, were friends to one another, supported one another and shared a life. It’s not a waste. Don’t think like that.
I hope this helps and all the best to you.
This is my first time on a blog like this. And I hope you can guide me on how to deal with the situation I’m in. This guy and I have been dating for 3 months (exclusively dating only). He was so sweet and great for the first 2 months and now he’s not exactly that same person anymore. He calls, texts, and goes out with me less and less. I asked him repeatedly many times if he was seeing or talking to someone else, or if he lost interest in me. And he told me that he still liked me and that he’s not seeing or talking to anyone else. Well, I know he just bought a house and is stressed over the new house, and graduate school as well. He also told me to be patient with him and he wants to take things slow. I just can’t shake off the feeling that he’s no longer interested in me. I don’t know if it’s just me being paranoid or it’s the truth and he doesn’t want to admit it. Please guide me on what I should do to take “us” back to where we were or how to “win” him back. I really don’t want to lose him. Thanks!
Lisa Redfield says
I usually think that our inner voice, that little voice nagging you that he is less interested, is right. But, that doesn’t mean that his feelings for you are changed.
If I were you I would give him the space he is asking for, and take some space yourself. Try to focus on yourself now and be even too busy to meet him. All of this of course without any anger or bad energy. Don’t jump when he lifts a finger to see you, and don’t hurry answer him texts and calls either.
Also, I wouldn’t ask him about him being interested in you or other girls for now, at all.
Neediness and jealousy or 2 out of the 3 biggest love “killers”.
I hope this helps, and if you can implement this, I think you’ll see the results.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and a half and hes great to me , we always travel around , and soon moving in but everytime i ask him what he feels about me he says he likes me and likes to be with me but never says hes loves. Ive asked him why he doesnt love me and he replies with he doesnt know what love is or how it feels so he is unsure if he loves me because he doesnt feel anything. I ask him if he doesnt love me why is he with me, he says because he likes to be with me and he me with him in his future. Im pretty confused about it about his response.
Lisa Redfield says
I would give it a little more time to help him sort out his feelings, without pressure. If you can give him some time, go for it.
HI, this is my first time on a blog period so I guess that shows right there how desperate I am of getting back the man I know once loved and ( was inlove ) with me , and part of me and his behavior is telling me some of the love is still there . OK let me start with why im here .
Im 19 and my ex is 19 ,we where together for all of 2 years in ( Nov 5th ) when we first met , he wanted me first , I actually didnt want him off rip , but eventually i gave in and realized it was the best decision i ever made , from that point on we were soooo happy and in love , up until recently we started to stay together it was fine at first then it was constant arguing , but even then we had the mentality that through whatever we were going anywhere , up until he went to his home state we were arguing while he was gone , i ended up hanging up and not talking to him until he got back ( 2 days ) mind you i usually dont give in on arguements i keep it going until we resolve it but this time i just gave in ( he was telling me he didnt want to talk to me anyway ) so when he got back i was already prepared to talk to him about the changes i was about to take in my life ( like progressing ) but he beat me too it by saying we had to talk , that was the first thing he said when he got back , not hi or i miss you or anything . long story short he seen his ex when he went back to his home state and told me he fell back in love with her , and he fell out of love with me , he didnt love me anymore and all this , ofcourse cried pleaded and everything i even said me or her , he said he cant promie me he’s gonna cut her off , and even after this i still decided to sty by his side for like 3 weeks after that , everything was actuallly going okay , no argueing , no fussing . but much more sex than normal but it was amazing and our connection was better as a couple , ( but we were separated ) .. its much more that happened after that good and bad but too much to type , i typed enough already lol . I just need some type of guidance to know how to deal with this , what to do , and am i a fool to keep fighting for him when he she’s still in the picture and VERY much relevant
Lisa Redfield says
I think that if I were you, I would offer to stay friends and cut off any sexual relationship until he makes up his mind. Since you obviously can’t except him being with someone else, there’s not much else to do.
It seems to me that this his just his way to cope with the problems in your relationship. A way to run away from them (to something he already knows how to handle) instead of dealing with them.
This doesn’t mean that he actually “fell out of love” with you.
I hope this helps and all the best to you.
Im new to this whole blog thingy, but here i go Im 28 years old i have been with my bf for almost 5 years ON an OFF all the time, we both have been using on and off also the whole relationship also, anyways i love this man i would do anything for him hes only 6 months younger then i am, but the thing is is he is sooo controlling and emotionally abusive, i have bipolar, anxiety,ptsd, and much more and to deal with him being so mean to me and controlling to me on a daily basis i just dont know what to do everyone i know that knows this situation tells me i need to leave him and stop coming back when he needs me but i dont i always give in cause im scared of what he will tell my family about what i have done in the past! please i know i shouldnt do drugs and i should leave him i just dont know how without him trying to ruin my life more then he already has
Lisa Redfield says
This nay sound weird to you, but here’s what I think: I think that you are afraid of letting him go because you are looking for a way out of your destructive habbit. Deep inside you know that he will do you a big favor if he tells your family about your problem, becuase no matter how mad they’ll be, they’ll also do everything to help you and get you off drugs. And this is what you really want.
I know it’s scary, but you have to let him go. And you have to tell you family about your problem.
You’re only 28. Your whole life is ahead of you and you can start over and wipe away your past today. Now.
Isn’t the alternative scarier?
Let the universe take you to the healing place, where it’s trying to take you. You are not alone. Take the first right step and everything will be alright.
This is what I think and I’m praying for you to do the right thing for yourself.
I’ve been living with my boyfriend for a good 2 years. I’m 24 & he’s coming up to 30. I have one child from a previous relationship. Everything was going well, then we argued for a while over stupid things. Recently he has just turned on me, he said he is really unhappy & doesn’t see our relationship going anywhere. He did the whole ‘ I love you but I’m not in love with you’ there was me trying to fight it and not accept that he said that, I thought of ways to try make it work, but he said I don’t want to try make it work anymore. He seems completely done. I gave him space for a while but he didn’t change his mind. I’m now in the process of moving out… will he regret it or change his mind? He’s adamant he won’t but he has done this in the past, before we lived together. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to commit so he dumped me a few times but remained friends then that turned back into a relationship. I asked him if he even loves me & he said he doesn’t think so & that his head is all over the place, but gave me the whole I want us to still be close & be friends & I want to be there for you still. I’m trying to grieve for my relationship with him but also my 5yr olds relationship with him. Will he feel sad & lonely going back to an empty house? He’s not ur typical man who goes out loads, he’s never had a one night stand and I was the 5th girl he’s ever been with sexually. Is he having a breakdown? As he’s turning to 30. Thank you x
Lisa Redfield says
There’s always a chance things will change, and he may feel different in as soon as tomorrow, but you can’t depend on that. I know it’s hard, but for a real chance you have to let him go. But truly and deeply, without hoping that he comes back and without waiting for him.
Now’s the time to focus on yourself and see why this has happened in the first place. I am absolutely sure though, that everything happens for the best.
I know it’s just so hard, he said he’s trying to move on from us already. It’s not even been a week, this has only just really hit me & it’s going to take a while for me to process
Hi I’ve been dating this guy for 5 months and In the beginning he was so sweet and actually showed be that he cared and would always tell me he loves me. Now in the last month I’ve noticed things have changed he never messages me unless I message him and replies are usually dry sometimes it feels as if I’m forcing him to have a convo. He’s been acting really distant, he never makes time for me anymore but claims he misses, but he’s always hanging with friends ( including females ), partying or working. Every time I ask him if something is wrong he says no everything is good. And when ever I bring up how I feel about things it turns into a argument and he’ll make a comment like why are you asking stupid questions then unturn it around to make me guilty, like I’m the wrong one. It is very hard for me because this is the First guy I’ve actually been in love with, and I’m starting to feel like he’s losing that interest even though he says that he’s not. I don’t know what to do anymore, it’s difficult.
Lisa Redfield says
I think that your instincts are probably right, and he is doing the “fade out” breakup with you (meaning he is slowly disappearing because he fears doing it face to face).
The more you try to get back closer to him, the more you talk to him about this, the more he’ll pull away.
So, as hard as it may seem, I would do the opposite. I would let him be. I would take some space away from him.
Even if he doesn’t come to realize that he doesn’t want to lose you (which he may), it’s the smarter thing to do.
I hope this helps,
Sam McMillan says
Hiya, well where to start…
Well this about me and my boyfriend ish… We’re basically just friends with benefits… But were more like boyfriend and girlfriend, simply because we don’t want either of us dating other people… We have given each other permission to date others but we kinda both don’t wanna share. Well my problem is that I want more… I want to be with him fully and he doesn’t. I say “I love you” and he will rarely say I love you back but if he does it’s like it’s not the same love that I feel. I know I love him more than he loves me. We’re both 24 and were great for each other… He helps cheer me up and makes me feel happy, which if you knew me isn’t an easy task, I suffer from severe depression and other stuff but I won’t get into all that. And I try to help him with his alcoholism, he feels better when I’m around, and his anxiety is lower when I’m around… I have reduced his drinking slightly when I am around… But he is still drinking too much… He doesn’t want to be so dependant on alcohol but he just can’t seem to kick the habit. But anyways my point is that I want more and he doesn’t, sometimes it just seems like I’m more of a friend and that’s it… We kiss and hold hands and his parents love me and my mom loves him, if anyone was to look at us, it would look like we were already dating, but we aren’t… He doesn’t want anyone else and neither do I… So why can’t we be with each other… At first it was me stopping it, I said I didn’t want to date an alcoholic because I didn’t want him to quit drinking just because of me, I want him to quit because he wants to quit… So is there just no future for us… Or what? I really want there to be… But it’s just really starting to get hard to put my feelings aside… Please help me and thank you for taking the time to read and reply to this….
Lisa Redfield says
I think he is obviously afraid to commit. I’m sure he has love feelings for you, but if he doesn’t answer back I would stop saying it for a while.
It seems to me that your relationship can go to another level only if you separately work on your own issues first.
You are both depressed (he is depressed too if he is an alcoholic), and developed a need for each other to feel better.
How long can a “need” relationship work? And is it really love or just a hole you want to fill through him (and him through you)?
You have to take the focus off of “us” and to “me”.
When you feel better about yourself, you’ll appreciate yourself more, and maybe you’ll see things completely different.
I hope this helps and I hope you feel better soon,
Well thank you for your reply, and I know you are correct about us both being depressed, but we both do feel better when were together… But ya he told me he doesn’t want to date me because he said I can’t depend on him… But in my mind I can and do depend on him already… But I guess the only thing to do for this is one of two options, give it time or give him up, it hurts to say but we started as friends only so I’d like to think we can go back to being just friends if things don’t go the way I want them to… But thank you very much for your advice, it gives me some stuff to think about now… Hope you have a lovely day… And hope you never meet a guy like the one you were speaking about in this article again, you deserve much better.
Okay so me and my partner have been together for 2 years now I am 19 he is 22, I love him more than anything but lately something is off in the past I have found texts saying he will go and stay at some girls for takeaway and a movie on the sofa I asked her about it she simply replied “well as far as we all knew he was single” then another girl he told me “out of anger” that he liked another girl, who then became his very good friend and they go out all the time chat all the time flirt all the time but she’s “like one of the lads” so I shouldn’t worry ….right? It’s lately he’s been very close to his phone I can touch it without him telling me to put it down but he can go on mine at his leisure……he never calls me beautiful!!, I met his friends…..he’s lied to them told them stuff like I drive and had a car I have only just got my provisional license, the person he has made me out to be to his friends isn’t me, he talks about our future in his house with only his name on the mortgage, he never wants to spend time with me, he goes out and I’m the one cheating on him, it’s always my fault even when I say sorry, when I say he did something wrong he has something I did that was way worse….”aprentally”……he doesn’t want to touch me, or turn me on, or cuddle, or kiss or even sit beside me on a sofa, does he love me? Because I adore him
Lisa Redfield says
I know it’s really hard to accept, but he obviously doesn’t want to be with you right now.
It has nothing to do with you, I assure you, but that’s still the truth.
The question left now is what you’re going to do about it:
The more you chase him the more he’ll run away.
Try to focus on yourself now, instead of him. And see where things are going after that.
Hi I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 years long distance. Recently 4 months bk he changed on me didn’t call as much n never wanted to see me in those months. I did a surprise visit and found out his cheating on me with 3 other girls. It hurts to b betrayed but I want to feel better but I don’t know how . It kils me to know how he has changed towards me but I decided to leave the relationship for good. Oh he says the reason he cheated was I was always angry.n emotional over the phone telling him it’s over etc which was true. But for me was a way of trying to cope with the distance. I can’t forgive at all although he claims to b sorry the words sorry can’t bring bk the trust.
Amy smith says
I’m going out with this boy and we have been dating for about 3 weeks. He was once my boy best friend for about 1 year then he started catching feelings for me. He asked me out face to face and I said yes. But now 2 weeks has passed, at school he’s starting to talk to his girl best friends and sending them ‘X’s and O’s’. But after, he sends me long paragraphs saying he loves me and I’m his and nobody else’s. I don’t know if he loves me anymore becuse he changes at school when he talks to other girls. But he gets really jealous when I talk to other guys and threatens to text them telling them to back off. Please tell me what this means and if he still has feelings for me.
Lisa Redfield says
I don’t think this means that he is losing feelings for you. I think that he just likes to flirt. It probably boosts his ego. I would guess that he has a somewhat low self esteem.
Be confident and always remember your worth and everything will work out.
I’m with my bf for about 3 years now, we have a difficult time trying to find out where we want to live our lives, if it is abroad or in our home towns, and we always had fights about this. Last week i wanted to talk about marriage and let him know that someday i want to get married and have a family and he was so defensive, he told me that we don’t even know what to do with our lives and i’m talking about marriage… So i get upset for i don’t know 4 hours and after i was so frustrated and i write him on fb, because he was in another room, he answered me, but didn’t come to talk to me face to face, maybe i should never expect this in the first place.. And of course, because i was expecting, i get more frustrated and we started to fight again.
The thing is that when we first met, he always told me that he loves me and always answered back when i told him, well now if i tell him i love you, he doesn’t answer back and he constantly tells me that he is feeling obligated to tell me, because he knows that i wait to hear those words and that i’m fucked up because i want to tell him i love you after all the fights.
I really don’t know what to do, maybe it’s my ego that wants to hear those words, he tells me all the time that i’m frustrated and this is why i want him to tell me i love you so i can get better, and maybe this is true also i don’t know, i have the feeling that i lost my mind and i’m crazy and i do nothing better in the relationship.
It will be great an advice!
Thanks a lot
Lisa Redfield says
I think that he can feel your fear of losing him, and no matter how much he loves you, it’s a but of a turn off.
Try to remember again that you are perfect, that you are great just the way you are and he will feel this good energy from you and give it back to you by saying he loves you without you asking for it.
The more pressure you put on him, the more he will back away.
Am really going through alot in my relationship right now and i think he wants to breakup with me, he does not even call me any more and when ever i call he gives me excuses. I love him so much and dont want to loose him please what should i do
Lisa Redfield says
You haven’t specified the problems in your relationship, and I think that if you could get him to sit down and talk to you honestly about your relationship, and try to work it out (without anger and accusations) – He won’t want to run away.
My boyfriend and I have been going through a rough patch and whenever I am mad at him, he comes back at me and says he wants out and doesn’t want to be with me anymore because he is unhappy. He begs and pleads that I let him go. And I stubbornly refuse because I feel like I am not yet done with him. He is currently on a two-week holiday in Spain with family and although he claims he hasn’t cheated on me or will cheat on me, he says the trip has made him realise a few things — he wants to change his job because it’s not what he wants to do but he doesn’t know what else he would do. And he wants to break up with me because he is unhappy and he has made up his mind.
A common friend said don’t take him at face value right now because these things are being said across continents and he will be back in a few days. But i don’t know, should I accept it and move on or should I fight for this? I am tired of fighting for this, I think I put a lot of effort into the relationship and he has just stopped trying.
Lisa Redfield says
I think that you should let him go.
This is just my opinion of course.
If you were meant to be, you’ll get back together, and it will be effortless. Life is not about fighting, it’s about letting go and allowing things you want to come to you, through inner peace and calm.
I hope this helps and good luck!
Hi ive been with my boyfriend for nearly 4 years. We have broken up a few times over the years we have always got on so very well were bestfriends infact. Ive been reading relationship guides recently and not sure if this is just making me paranoid. but recently i feel he is distancing himself from me. When i tell him i love him and he says it back i feel he doesnt mean it anymore. I feel as tho he takes me for granted but when i tell him he just says no i dont. Ive asked several times if we are ok and he just says yes and changed the subject. im finding that he prefers to do other things than spend time with me like at the moment he is cutting the grass and cleaning his car instead of spending time with me, when we have not seen eachother much for the past week and will not next week as he works night shifts. Please help me and give me some advice i would like us to go back to have we used to be careless and just so in love again.
Lisa Redfield says
Unfortunately, in my experience, a woman’s instinct is always right. If you feel he is drifting away, he probably is.
When we feel this, most of us make the worst mistake – Which is to try either “talking about it” or clinging harder and harder from fear of losing the relationship.
The best thing to do in my opinion is to give him his space. Try to focus on you instead of him, be too busy to see him too, show him that you’re not afraid and that you have a life other than with him.
This will give him a chance to re-value you.
If he is really planning to break up with you, nothing will stop him. But if he is not, than clinging, begging etc will push him further away.
I hope this helps and good luck,
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years now. And I have been living with him for more than 1 year. In our 1st and 2nd year of relationship there are too many obstacle i.e other womens. And we slowly sort it out and everything went well… For the past years that we have been living together everywhere he go i goes.. We are like glue. Hard to separate. Until last week I went back to my hometown to visit my family for a day or two.. When I came back, I notice that he doesn’t treat me like he used to treat me. And now, since yesterday. I admit that I may have say something wrong but as for me it was just a small issue. But i just don’t know. He suddenly moody and angry and the coffee that i make for him he didn’t even drink nor touch and so the lunch that i bought for him. So i tried to think positive. And that it was yesterday story and today is a different story. I’ve tried make it up to him but he seems like ignoring me. and when i ask him a question it looks like he want and on the same time doesnt want to answer me. i just don’t know what to do. and seriously im too confused. and.. since we have this silent treatment between both of us i saw his post in FB about leaving and being free, about single, about regretting.. when i saw this i provoke him to leave me but all he answer is “K” and he is still there treating me like im not even there. please help me
Lisa Redfield says
I think that he is just really angry at you for something. I don’t know what happened between the two of you, but I would try talking to him and asking him to just say how he feels and why he is angry, while promising that you won’t argue, disagree or contradict him in any way. I he feels safe to talk he will tell you the truth, and that’s a place to start, I think.
Me and my boyfriend have grown apart we used to have a great sex life and relationship. Although not everything is about sex but he isn’t interested in pleasing me anymore he’s more interested in having his bit then going to sleep this makes me feel like it’s pointless and I’ve told him this there isn’t any point. Is this his way of trying to get rid of me as I’d rather now be his puppet if it is.
Lisa Redfield says
Is that the only change you feel in your relationship since its started? Do you still talk, share things, laugh together? Have fun? If the answer is yes, I don’t think this makes you his puppet.
This exactly how I feel its a 7+ year relationship and he dosent even notice when I purposely get made up for him or wear some lingerie. he dosent even Glace twice. also he will pupously pick a fight before we planned to make love i think he dies that to avoid sexual contact with me….ive been told im a very attractive girl im 24 great body the whole package but i dont understand why his passion,intamany isint there.im tired of feeling undesirable. I’m tired of desperately begging him to sleep with me more often. idk could it be his hundreds of downloads of anal porn? well yea I’ve overdone my part in that it’s not enough plz help email me
My boyfriend claims to be busy eith his work. He diesnt call or text me till at night and when we start chatting, the next thing is he is sleepy. I am so confused as i dont know wether he still likes me or not
Lisa Redfield says
Have you tried talking to him about this? Try to ask him if something is wrnog, but without anger and accusations, and see how he reacts.
Please guide me. My bf and i had a really healthy relationship for 2.5 months. One day he informed me that he got a major corporate project and wpnt be available for next 2.5 months (till March). He won’t answer my calls and texts from that day. On the other hand i kept irritating him via calls/sms that made him annoyed. He said he already informed me of his busy schedule so can’t be available till march. He got online on FB/ Whatsapp for a maximum of an hour but don’t talk to me. Now what should be done… Should i move or waited for him??
P.S i really love him… Couldn’t handle myself since a month
Lisa Redfield says
Wow, that’s upsetting. It’s only my opinion of course, but if he is like this, I wouldn’t wait for him. I would move on.
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I think most of people who goes through hard time need desperately someone like you to advise them and provide help so thank you. I am Danielle and I’m in a relationship for 3 years. We had the moat amazing relationship you can imagine until we moved together, things started to be boring sometimes, the sexual attraction has decreased , interests started to change, he wanted to spend more time with friends, away from me, he started to love me way less than I do until he recently cheated on me , I am heartbroken and devastated.
At first he admitted that what happened is a good reason to break up and he was soo tough, until I took the decision to leave the house, and he broke down in tears and asked me to stay and said that he s sorry , he won’t do it again as long as we re together and that he is willing faithfully to try to save this relationship and get love back to it.
I would like to know if you think this relationship has any chances to survive, and what should I do?
1-Stay , forgive and make him love me again (how)?
2-dont try to give a chance and invest more energy in this relationship and just leave?
I’ve been in a relationship for 3.5 years. We live together, have a cat. All of our furniture has been mutually purchased, the works. We have for the most part had a very smooth relationship. He doesn’t care if I go out or hang out with other guys, but it has been that way from the very beginning. He is a VERY laid back guy. It had seemed we were on the path for marriage.
However, about 3 months ago, he mentioned to me that he thought he was never gonna love me as much as I love him. We fought. We kinda resolved, and I put it on the back burner.
Later, he said that he wasn’t sure if he loved me as much as he did when we first got together. This alarmed me. I seem to love him more and more every day. So this hurt me down to my core.
Most recently he asked to break up. I cried, freaked out, we split up who was gonna get what etc. then I asked him if he really wanted to do this and he said “I guess not”
This fight keeps happening over and over of bear break ups. And if it ever happens I truly believe I will be losing the love of my life. He’s so funny, we laugh together, have great sex, we go on dates (but only if I plan them)
I just don’t understand what is happening. It’s what brought me to this article. I’m so scared I am going to lose a man that I love with my whole heart, want to marry, and that I have 3 1/2 years of my life to.
Please help me, I don’t know how to fix this…..
Lisa Redfield says
I’m sorry about this, I can really relate as it happened to me in the past as well. I had a boyfriend that I was madly in love with. We had a great relationship – Just like yours. Great talks, laughing. We also lived together.
We were in college together, and when ever I tried to talk about the future and where we’ll live when we finish school – He avoided the subject.
Deep down, just like you, I knew where this was going. But I refused to accept it.
When school ended he decided to live with his parents until he got a job. He never invited me to come, but I came to live there anyway.
I refused to take the hints.
You probably know how this ended. He built up the courage to break up with me only after buying a car together – A month later.
I think that your boyfriend sadly wants to end this. But your reaction has scared him and he doesn’t know how to deal with your grief. That’s why he said “I guess not”.
In my humble opinion, the only chance you have in saving this relationship is to let him have what he wants and keep your dignity. If you let him walk away while keeping your self respect and self worth, he may wake up in the near future and realize what he is missing.
But if you drag this until he is forced to “brutally” break up with you, he’ll never see you as someone he can be attracted to again. This is how he’ll remember you – As someone he can’t live without him, breathe without him.
I know you won’t like what I’m saying, but I AM trying to help.
I hope you do the right thing for you and remember – If it’s meant to be – It WILL be. No matter the rough patches and obstacles in the way.
Me and my boyfriend have been together for over a year now; at the start of the relationship it was fantastic. We would always hang out, text, call; every weekend we would have date night where we would go out to a meal or movie then we would stop at either my place or his. After a few months are closeness did begin to get a bit heavy and we both recognised this and agreed to try to put some space between us. We were arguing every time we saw each other and it wasn’t much fun anymore. Anyway we thought that some space would resolve this issue. I really don’t think it has resolved anything but the arguing as much. He loves having his space to go out with his mates and obviously I enjoy it my space too but I feel like there is just too much space between us now and it doesn’t feel like a relationship. I feel like I’m only there out of convenience for him. I have tried to talk to him about it but he says he likes the space for us to do our own things and he thinks its working; but I definitely do not think its working. I just want him to put in the same effort as he did when we first got together; he avoids texting, he rarely calls and we see each other once a week sometimes once every two weeks. I just don’t feel like this is a relationship, surely if you are in a relationship you see each other more and enjoy the company you have? I just don’t know what to do; I have exhausted all my abilities to try to make this work, but I feel like he just wants an excuse to leave or he is giving me the excuse to leave. Words literally cannot express how much I love this man but I feel like I’m fighting a loosing battle.
Please help me.
Lisa Redfield says
I think your instincts are right: This is not really a relationship at this point. I know you feel you love him, but he is not interested in making an effort to save your relationship, from what you’re telling me.
I don’t have a secret formula obviously, I can only tell you what I would do if I were you, and that is trying the 60-day no contact. Maybe not having a chance to talk to you or see you at all will make him realize what he’s about to lose and open his eyes.
If it doesn’t, maybe this was not meant to be?
Here’s my post about the 60-day no contact rule, I hope it helps: https://howtogetaguytowantyou.com/60-day-no-contact-rule/
I need advice.
My Bf and I are opposites. We compromise and talk things through all the time. He’s working full time, in school, and has been dealing with people in his life who aren’t there for him like he’s there for them. I told him that I’m here and will be there as long as he wants me to.
He admitted that he has trouble connecting with women. He’s only felt a spark with me and one of he relationship for a while ago, but in every relationship he hits a wall and can’t connect like the other person is. He wants to give me love but doesn’t know how. He definitely wants us to work and has talked about seeing a therapist since this is a trend in all his relationships. What can I do if anything?
Lisa Redfield says
I think that you should go to therapy as he suggested. He seems to want to get help and that’s a great sign that a change is coming. Other than that you don’t have to do anything. Just be yourself.
Lisa, please help me. I really need your help. My boyfriend said he doesn’t know if he still loves me. I read the article you just sent…and if that’s the case, how do i turn my situation around and make him want to meet me again? Because right now….he doesn’t even want to call or meet me…yesterday night at 2.40 am he asked me if i want to meet later in the day. But when i asked to meet in the daytime, he said nvm. I tried calling him but he hung up on me. So how do I make him want to meet me? How do i turn my situation around and make him see that he can win at my relationship with him? Lisa, please help me…….
Lisa Redfield says
Clara I would love to help but you have to understand that if you want a chance to “win” with this, you have to stop being so desperate. He can smell it from miles away. You have to look inside and find your self worth and self esteem first, and it has to be real, it can’t be fake. You deserve better than this, and once you realize it – no one will be able to resist you.
This is going to be VERY long so I apologize in advance for the length, but I hope you still read it and could possibly give me some advice, bc I feel as if I have no one and nowhere else to turn at this point. (I’m going to bare my soul here, so I hope no one judges me for what I reveal, and if they do, I hope they realize I am very remorseful for what happened) I’m 28 yrs old, my boyfriend is 46, and we have been together for 9 years now. When we first met that fateful night, everything was telling me he was THE one, every positive emotion that I could possibly feel was surging through me (and I had dated guys previously, had a child by my ex, so I had a little bit of life experience under my belt even at 19). My gut was telling me that very night that I was going to be with him for the rest of my life. I felt as though the stars had aligned, and God had sent me this wonderful human being to be apart of me and my daughter’s life. While we were sitting at the table in his restaurant on our first date, I told him I would never be with another married man (had dated TWO of them without prior knowledge), and the horror and shame danced across his face. That’s when I knew, and he told me in that very moment he was married, but if I would give him a chance to explain, maybe I’d understand. So I did. I immediately said it was okay, reassured him bc he looked ill and he became very emotional and began to cry, plus he was SO open and honest about every single detail, offering it up to me without me having to ask. He was so funny, intimate, loving, considerate, and compassionate and the most selfless person I’d ever met, and above all, committed to ME. He remained that way for years. We faced major challenges, but his loveless marriage (to a woman whom he only married bc she became pregnant with their child & where we live, the chances of him gaining even joint custody were nearly impossible legally/financially) was never the issue, bc I always told him I’d wait on him. I’ve always believed that when you love someone, you never give up. He also provided proof to me throughout, that they were not intimate in any way. He was truly the most honest person I’d ever encountered, and I admired him for it. Around our 3rd year, life took a drastic turn: he lost his mother, and then shortly after, I became an addict due to so many things which I used as excuses to keep using, and he knew nothing of it for awhile, until I began cheating on him. I screwed up tremendously, broke his heart into a million pieces, and when I finally came to my senses a few months later, I realized I needed help. He supported me, stood by me, until I relapsed and then threatened to leave (rather than support me) if it happened again. Well I got sober. And here we are, 9 years down the line, and the only thing I can think about is how much I miss the man I was with those first 3 years. I understand that he is still hurt and is mistrusting, but I am no longer that person, because my addiction turned me into someone even I didn’t recognize. I would never do that to him again and I know I wouldn’t, bc my addiction influenced my infidelity. The cheating only lasted a short time, but for a few years, he still remained the same person and was loving and caring and so very honest after I became sober. Now, the current issues: The past TWO YEARS, he has barely come to spend time with me, he is cold, calculating, gets angry if I mention the issues in our relationship, he barely calls/texts me so I’ve stopped initiating contact with him bc I was practically begging him to keep in touch. Also, he blames everything on me, quite literally, and never takes responsibility for his own actions or words. Then, this past September, I find out via Facebook that he had gotten a divorce, later learning it had been finalized for TWO whole MONTHS before I found out. He had kept it from me, claiming his lawyer & counselor advised him to do so, fearing I would want to rush into marriage when that is the last thing I want to do bc of our issues. It was the first time he had ever hidden something from me, lying by omission, and my heart was shattered. I’m a relatively calm person, but that day, I went into the very first panic attack I’ve ever had. Anytime I bring up that he never wants to see me, that he always gets off the phone abruptly when he calls, or that he spends time with his friends down the street from me but won’t come to see me, or that he won’t even allow me to KISS him anymore?!? He says I’m crazy and is not going to listen to “drama”. I have stopped trying to reach him, I don’t bring up our problems bc he already knows what they are, and I don’t contact him hardly at all since he doesn’t me. He doesn’t tell me he loves me anymore on the phone or otherwise (in the past he was ALWAYS telling me, he told me numerous times a day even after the infidelity) and he isn’t intimate when does visit (around twice a month). But, we have had sex. But no kissing. He tells me he isn’t going to put up with my “BS” bc he doesn’t have to anymore. What’s crazier is he blames me for the things that HE does, turning it around, saying I’m the one who did them. I’ve stopped asking where goes and what he’s doing. When I accused him of cheating not long ago, he said “There isn’t anyone ‘YET’ but you keep accusing, and I’m going to have a normal to exciting relationship with you or whomever”. This is a completely different man, Lisa. A stranger to me. The EXACT OPPOSITE of the man I fell in love with. My friends and family and even my coworkers see it in my face every day, the heartache I’m enduring, and I’m so tired of worrying and feeling helpless in our relationship and sick of hurting, bc I’ll be honest, I love him more NOW then I did in the beginning. I know I broke his heart unspeakably, and I’m terribly ashamed and I’ve tried to make amends, tried to show him things are different, but he uses my past mistakes to justify his CURRENT actions, bc I’ve been nothing but faithful and caring and supportive ever since I’ve gotten sober. I just want to BE with him, I’ve told him as much. He says he is “taking time” for he and his son. So the only thing left for me to do is WAIT…AGAIN. Or move on. And I don’t want to lose him. But, this has been going on for 2 entire years and I want to find out what’s really going on first. I have literally cried so much that there were some weeks where that’s all I could do, and just imagining him slipping away like water through my fingers. He promised me the world, and now he acts as if I’m just an annoying friend he isn’t close with. I adored him, fell so hard for him over and over again, but NOW? I’m getting to the point where some days, I don’t care if he contacts me or comes by, and it’s bc of him pushing me away. He has done/is doing ALL of the things mentioned in this article. I even watched the video about how to get him to want me/fall in love with me again, but it hasn’t worked since he isn’t around. Hopefully, all of this makes sense. Even just a tidbit of advice would be highly appreciated, and if you read all of this, then BLESS you, and thank you so so much 🙂
Lisa Redfield says
Thank you for sharing your story with me…it was probably hard for you.
I’m sorry that you’re going through this.
As I see it, you are now separated, but you can’t seem to accept it because you love him so much. I understand.
In this situation I would do what I would do as if I was separated, and this usually means to leave him alone.
I would try the 60-day no contact rule, to give him a chance to miss you and realize what he stands to lose for good, and a chance to remember all the good times instead of focusing on your problems.
He knows, obviously, that he can have you when ever he wants, because you have told him over and over. While that is very honest and beautiful, it’s not very attractive to any guy.
Let him have what he wants. And what he wants right now is sadly not to be with you. Keep your dignity, your self respect, so he’ll have a chance to see what he stands to lose for good.
Here’s my post about the 6-day no contact rule, I hope it helps:
Vera farmiga says
You fell in love with a married man what did you expect. He couldn’t stay faithful to his wife why expect him to stick with you . Face it you’ve now replaced his ex wife face it your the next ex . Do yourself a favour dump him move on and stay away from guys in relationships
Maria Jose says
Hi. I really need your opinion…
I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years. We’ve been a happy couple, and I’ve always felt loved with him. It’s true that I am the one in the relationship who makes more sacrifices and is more comitted, but until a couple of days, he had always told me he loves and we have been making plans for the future (move in together and stuff). Two days ago he told me he feels that I love him more than he loves me, and that he has doubts about his feelings for me. He told me that I felt in love earlier than him, because when we started, he was forgetting a woman he stopped seeing because she had a child (a kid, with other man you know). He told me that he had felt sometimes that our love was not the love that he felt with this other girl (and other girls, the “instant love”, more passionate)…
I’m, as you can imagine, distraught. But you know…I’m so confused, because as I said, our relationship has been beautiful. He his so tender with me, he hugs me and doesn’t want to let go, kissses me all the time, when he tells me he loves me I can feel it, so…I’m so confused. Yesterday we conclude not to see each other for days, just to see how he feels. An hour and a half later, when I was in my house, he called telling me he’s sorry, that he knows I’m the one he loves, that he wanted to see me. I told him to wait for a week at least, and since then I’m here, waiting. We had a small text conversation, and again I found him a little cold…
Here’s my opinion and I want you to give me yours: I think he loves me, we are happy, but it’s true I am the one that gives more. I think that the difference between each other is that we love each other differently: I love him more romantically, more idealistic in a way, and he loves me more prudently. It’s true I’ve felt once in a while “tense” moments, but are a few, and well, we’ve been three years together, and the good moments are countless. He has not in a long relationship before, so I guess he compares our relationship with this other romances he’s got, and well…you can’t compare. Maybe he didn’t felt the instant attraction he felt with others, but he found what is true love with me (and because of that, we have been so happy). Yes, he wasn’t so interseted in me in the begining, and maybe the problem is that he has always felt a little bit of blame for not be so invested in the begining, but who cares about how we started? 🙁
I’m so confused and sad. Please give me your opinion. Thank you.
Lisa Redfield says
You must be in a lot of pain right now. I know.
The truth is that in my opinion, all explanations ans trying to analyze things in the beginning and later are kind of excuses.
The problem is that we humans feel. And feelings can’t be rationalized.
I think you made the right move by insisting on some time apart, even after he asked to see you and said he was sorry. He needs a chance to miss you and realize what he stands to lose.
If time goes by and he is not begging to come back, it’s not there anymore. Not for now at least.
But not all hope is gone. I am now married for 8 years to a guy who broke up with me (before we were married) and after being no-contact for 2 months.
After 2 months we met each other “be accident” (I don’t believe in “accidents”), got back together and a year later we were married.
I’m saying that if it’s meant to be, you will find your way back to each other. And if not – Good for you too. You’ll be available to meet the real love of your life.
I hope this helps and hang in there, everything happens for the best.
Maria Jose says
Thank you so much for your advice and support.
Here’s the other part that I need to get out of my chest because it scares me…
I’m 29 years old now, and I’ve been in three long relationships (the previous one I’ve had ended the same way than this one I’m telling you: he didn’t love me anymore… 🙁 ).
As you can imagine, not only I’m living the horror of get trough a relationship because my boyfriend doesn’t love me…I’m living it knowing that it happened to me before, that my previous boyfriend fell out of love for me too.
Am I so unlovable?
I feel old, and I’m so scared thinking I’m never going to find true love. It’s truly hard for me to feel something for someone, even if it’s only attraction, it’s very difficult to me. So being 29, single, with 3 broken relationships in my past, makes me think I’m never meeting the one for me.
Lisa Redfield says
There is absolutely nothing to be scared about.
The past is exactly what it is: the past. All we have is right now. The past does NOT have any power on the present or the future.
I will tell you this though: What we think is what we are. If you convince yourself that you are unlovable, old etc, it’s exactly what will happen.
You have to put a stop to these negative thoughts right now, and switch them with positive thoughts and a lot of self love.
It’s only way to finally attract the guy you really deserve – The perfect guy for you.
hey I need some help.I have a very busy schedule since I am a student of a very restricted college from the very beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend.I have got some family problems too.There were times when he used to deal with any sort of problems,admire me or appreciate my effort.But during last few months things changed.I think its partly my fault.I was the one who always wanted to make peace when we have fights.But he never did.we have different perspectives of life.I am not as much as responsible as he is.But I gave my best effort to please him.Even I lost my self-respect in the process.every single week we have fights for 4-5 times.Now he said that he wouldn’t stay with me anymore because I have so many lacking,issues and our lifestyle doesn’t match.I can leave him because I still love him deeply and cant imagine my future without him. what will I do?pls I need a quick help.
thanks in advance
Lisa Redfield says
I think that I would take some time to figure out WHAT exactly is causing the constant fights, becuase until it’s resolved you won’t be able to go on with the relationship and both of you may lack the motivation to stay.
There is probably an underlying cause for all the arguments, which has nothing to do with what you’re actually fighting about. can you tell what it is? What’s hiding under the surface?
If you can communicate honestly about this, you’ll know deep inside what to do – And it will feel right to both of you – Whether it’s staying and working to fix it, or say goodbye (at least for now, no one knows what the future holds, right?)
I hope this helps and good luck,
My boyfriend always get mad at me,
We had a fight continuously for 4 days, and it’s not just that, for a month now I realized that he’s not what you call sweet as before. Yes he is protective sometimes and cares about what I do and don’t like me hanging out with other guys he doesn’t know. It’s just, most of the time when I try to tickle him or make jokes he always make sure to see that I know he’s mad and irritated, and one time he shouted at me. And if we fight he doesn’t even care to txt me or make peace with me. This week he really shows that he doesn’t care at all. My problem is, he doesn’t even show that he cares for me anymore, he dont like holding hands even if we are alone, and if I confront him about our problems, he always make me guilty, like its my fault and making me feel bad about asking such a “stupid” question. I don’t know anymore.. Do you think he’s provoking me to break up with him?
Lisa Redfield says
What you’ve written does sound alarming, I have to admit.
Here’s a post that I think will help you:
This guy sounds like he’s very controlling and manipulative–possibly emotionally abusive. If he ignores your feelings, uses lies or contradictions to manipulate you–that’s emotional abuse. If he tries to isolate you from your friends and family (possibly by undermining your trust in them), that’s a sign that abuse is occurring. The way you describe him making you feel indicates an abusive dynamic.
Now I don’t have all the facts, but I advise you to exercise caution when making compromises. I left an abusive husband 11 months ago, and I had no idea how bad things were until I was out.
Talk to someone you trust and don’t sugarcoat things. If you feel like you need to protect him by hiding his behavior, then that’s a sign that you probably need to leave.
That’s how my relationship is getting. He told a few days ago that I’m a mean person. That I’m too sexual which I can admit I can be, although he denies me every time. We rarely do it anymore. We have been together for 7 years now. He refuses to take care of himself now and the more I nag the more he gets mad and longer he doesn’t shower. I’ve tried not nagging and it still didn’t work. II cant take it anymore, I love him so much but he seems so distant from me lately. He NEVER wants to do ANYTHING EVER. He goes to work then comes home and doesn’t leave the couch till I tell him to go to the bed. Today he told me that if I really knew just how much I piss him off and how he never says anything. That hurts! I talk about everything. I really try for open communication even if its tough but I don’t know what has gotten into him. We’ve been talking about getting a 2nd car and half of me is like, whoa, he wants it to get away from me. The other half is like yeah, that’ll be nice I guess. I’m not sure if I am just paranoid or if he doesn’t want me or if its just depression. Maybe all 3.
My boyfriend loses his time for me,
the last time we talked i got mad and he said i love you goodnight those are my last words, and after a week he doesn’t have time for me. We talked and i said what is happening he said nothing and he tells me that he loves me,
and yesterday is our 1st month and i i greeted him and i say i love you he replied “im going to take a bath XD” and we talked again and i told him what’s wrong he said there’s nothing wrong .. he doesn’t take our conversation serious anymore… what does that mean?
Lisa Redfield says
I think it means he is angry at you, probably because you haven’t resolved your conflict in that last conversation.
Talk to him face to face and try to work things out.
How can i know for sure this programme will work? Its really expensive…..so..can you reassure me it will work? Before i spend my money on it?
Lisa Redfield says
Obviously I can’t guarantee it will work. It depends on too many things. However, the ebook is refundable for 60 days. You can try it (but really try…) and if it doesn’t work you can get all your money back no questions asked. I hope this helps.
my boyfriend and i are staying together at his place but don’t make love anymore, the last time we did was a month ago. his family knows me, and he used to talk about marriage but now says he doesn’t have money. we have broken up several times and all the time he will have a girlfriend, then claims it never meant anything to him and I’m the “one”. i suspect that during our last break he had unprotected sex because the blanket that was on the bed had some stains that clearly looks like he was withdrawing, and of course he denies this. i forgave him, asked him to get it cleaned(that was in March) but up to now, he has not done anything about it, though i ask him about it.
yesterday we were to sleep at my parents’ house but he never pitched, came in the morning, no explanation or whatsoever. what does this mean?
Lisa Redfield says
I think that deep down you already know the answer to your question, you don’t really need me…
He has lost interest for some reason, and when guys are not interested in sex that’s a big red flag.
I think that you know what you have to do, and the sooner you do the sooner you’ll be able to get to better places in your life.
I wouldn’t waste another day.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, but I always believe that everything works out for the best and happens for a good reason.
My then boyfriend said he doesn’t love me, when i as good as told him i loved him. Nice…..
Please my own question is there is a place you said if your boyfriend have once love you that he can love you again and here now am asking please what can I do to make him love me back because on my own I can’t remember doing anything wrong to him we are just happy all of a sudden he changed he started giving me excuses am busy with work I don’t want to distracted everything started changing he doesn’t reply my text he doesn’t call me like he use to if he call or pick he talks to me like someone else he hangs up my call sometime and say am busy uptill now am so confused and the whole thing is seriously bordering me eating me up yes I know he has actually started cheating on me yet keep claiming am busy but that is not Wat am concerned of my problems is he has time for dem but not me anymore I really love him and I can’t afford to lose him what do I do pls
I am a bit younger than most other relationship holders but I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year now. Recent.y though he seems to be ignoring me. I sometimes join his online games and message him. He doesn’t reply, if he does it is ages after the message was sent like several weeks after! I need help I love him but I am getting sick of this. He says he loves me a lot but the longest conversation we have had is a hi or a nod of a hello. I have tried going to his house, it didn’t work so well. Please advise girls I really need the guidance on what to do. I am really worried for him and our relationship.
The same thing happened to me but our one year anniversary is next saturday. He saw me two days ago, on easter and he made everything seem so normal and we were intimate. The next day he was avoiding my texts for hours and saying he was busy. He sent texts to my mom and sister before he even gave me the breakup text. He still wants to be friends and tells me that he misses me and wants a future with me. We hardly ever fought at all and I respected his space and i trusted him. We did have a huge fight and i asked him if he wanted a break and he said no so we were working things out. He said he didn’t feel the same for the past 2 weeks but still misses me and wants contact. I’m still in love with him but I’m taking a break from contacting him for a couple of days. He doesn’t have other girls he’s talking to but I don’t want to be strung along :(. But I have a feeling that there is a future with us. Perhaps we needed a break from each other. Idk I’m so heartbroken because we supported each other and loved each other so much.
Aj, sounds like you’re in high school or somewhere just about. So am I. I’ve been with my boyfriend for four years and recently I’ve noticed him distancing himself away from me. I understand the huge hype for video games because I play them too, but… it’s a little different when he’s playing with other people. Of course, he can do whatever he likes. That goes without saying, but… he hosts Xbox live parties with people I don’t even know. I don’t know if they’re female or not and I do worry sometimes. He won’t respond to my messages while playing like he used to. (Not that I expect him to, but it’s just kind of out of the ordinary.) Now, I usually have to wait for his response after he’s finished playing, completely. Truthfully, my advice to you is to talk to him about it. I know I’m being a hypocrite for saying so because I’m too wimpy to bring this up with MY boyfriend, but I know it’s the right thing to do. To figure out what’s going on. I don’t know. Honestly, at this point, I don’t know either. I suppose I could be doing something wrong… Or maybe I’m missing something here… I’m not sure. I know I should just be patient but, maybe he’s truly not interested in me anymore.