I think you’ll agree with me when I say:
The 60-day no contact rule is the last thing you want to do – when you’re trying to cope with a heart-shattering breakup.
Especially when you still love him with all your heart.
No matter how shocking and heartbreaking it was when your boyfriend broke up with you, you can’t help yourself but longing to keep in touch with him, secretly hoping that one day he’ll change his mind and beg to get you back in his arms.
Yet, thousands of people claim that the 60 days no contact rule is one of the best ways to get your ex back – if you do it right.
Does the no contact rule work? Why and how does it work? And what to do if you break the rule?
The answers are here for you right now.
Overview
- The 60-Day No Contact Rule Guidlines
- No Contact Rule Male Psychology
- What If You Break the 60-Day Rule?
- What if He Contacts You? What If You Bump Into Him?
- What to Text Your Ex After No Contact Ends
- Does the No Contact Rule Work for Friends with Benefits?
- No Contact Rule Success Stories (& My Own)
- Conclusion
The 60-Day No Contact Rule Guidlines
The no contact rule means you basically cut off all communication with your ex for a certain amount of time.
Some say 30 days are enough, others say that 60 days is better, I think every relationship is different.
It seems simple, right?
But it’s amazing how many people have trouble doing this the right way.
Here’s what it requires from you:
• No calling your ex on the phone
• No texting your ex
• No casual hanging out with your ex
• No emailing your ex
• No leaving notes to your ex
• No bumping into them “accidentally”
• No looking at their online profiles, tweeting, snapchatting, or even going over old texts you saved in your cell phone.
It seems harsh, right? But it’s the only way to do it, even if every fiber of your being resists it.
👉 Leslie Braswell, author of the best selling book – “Ignore the Guy, Get the Guy: The Art of No Contact” – claims:
And I agree.
No Contact Rule Male Psychology
👉See the complete plan to get your ex back through simple yet irresistible texts – watch this video!
Remember, the “rule” does not require you to be a jerk to your ex, ignore him if you accidentally bump into him or be anything other than civil, calm and kind.
Here are the basic psychological reasons behind the no-contact rule, and why it can make your ex realize he wants you back:
1. Right now you’re a bit crazy. You’re flooded with anger, confusion, denial, and despair.
In this “emotional” state, you don’t want to talk to your ex. Nothing will make him run away even further than a “feelings” conversation, or desperate begging and pleading.
The no-contact period will allow you to cool down, process your feelings, and think rationally about the real reasons you’re not together anymore.
2. Over there on the “other side”, your ex has a chance to do the same. He can calm down (if he is angry), think rationally, and most importantly – realize that he has really lost you and even regret leaving you.
3. This is the time when your ex realizes that he misses you, and maybe can’t and won’t go on with his life without you.
He won’t be able to miss you if you are in constant contact with him! This is hugely critical and the most important “benefit” of the 60-day rule.
4. Your ex will uncontrollably start to wonder why you’re not begging to get back with him. This way you’re turning the table on them and gaining control over the situation.
5. You get a chance to heal yourself, figure out what happened and how you can prevent and fix it when you’re back together.
6. The no contact rule will prevent the annoying on-and-off relationship. I’m sure you don’t want that for yourself, right?
If the cause of your breakup won’t be fixed, you’ll just break up again in a few months – this time, probably for good.
The no contact time will allow for your mind’s heart to open up, restart alone to reflect on yourself, and refresh your soul.
You’ll remember again who you are, what you’re made of, and what you really want.
During this time, you must focus on yourself and do anything that makes you happy!
What If You Break the 60-Day Rule?
By talking to your ex after a breakup, you are losing control and power over your relationship and damaging your chance of getting back with your ex.
Breaking the rule means you have to start over from day one. Achieve at least 30 days when you don’t rely on your ex for a conversation.
What if He Contacts You? What If You Bump Into Him?
The 60 day no contact rule requires no contact, but what if HE contacts you? What if circumstances lead to you having to see him every day? What if you have a child together?
In certain situations, you won’t be able to ignore your ex.
If you have a child together, the “classic” no contact rule is non-applicable.
If you see him at work or school every day, you can’t be impolite and ignore him.
The point is to remain civil, polite, and kind.
You can say hello, you can answer if he asks how you are (as long as you don’t talk about “feelings”) and you can smile at him and be nice.
But nothing more than that.
After this temporary interaction – go back to the no-contact mode immediately.
What to Text Your Ex After No Contact Ends
Here’s what your ex is thinking about AFTER the no contact (assuming that you really haven’t reached out to him for 60 days):
- Was she playing games?
- She must be disinterested in me
- She doesn’t care about me anymore
- Extreme guilt
These feelings are natural and though not pleasant for him, they are important for you two to get back together.
The no contact is only the first step in getting your ex-boyfriend back.
After your 60 days are up, it’s time to make the first contact – via text messages.
However:
You have to write text messages that’ll be interesting and evoke his curiosity, to make it impossible for him to not answer you. See the best text HERE.
Does the No Contact Rule Work for Friends with Benefits?
I believe that no contact works for any human relationship, including friends with benefits.
Even though this relationship is based on physical attraction, both you and he have developed feelings for one another, whether you (or he) admit it – or not.
👉 Read: How to make your friend with benefits fall for you
No Contact Rule Success Stories (& My Own)
If you search online, you’ll find hundreds of no contact success stories, but I want to share my own with you.
7 years ago, my then-boyfriend broke up with me after a year and a half.
He did it over text, no less.
Just ended a serious relationship, which involved marriage plans, with a 10-word text. Like it was nothing.
The text said “You were right. I don’t love you anymore. It’s over“.
I was shocked beyond belief and shaking with anger.
The day after I came by to pick up my things. He has already packed them for me. I didn’t say one word to him and just left.
I was so angry it was easy for me to cut contact with him. But after a couple of weeks, I calmed down and started to think rationally about what happened.
I realized I was practically convincing him that he doesn’t love me. I found stupid “proof” that he doesn’t love me every single day.
But now I know it was just my huge insecurity and low self-esteem that made me do this. It has nothing to do with him.
At some point, he couldn’t take it anymore so he “gave up” and broke up with him, saying “You were right”.
What Happened After 60 Days?
Almost 60 days later, I met him at the wedding of a mutual friend. Until then, we both haven’t spoken one word to each other, didn’t text, Facebook, or anything.
We sat next to each other when our friends exchanged their vowels.
Out of nowhere, I felt his hand taking mine. I took his hand and squeezed it hard.
You can imagine the rest, but I will tell you that this ex-boyfriend is now my husband for 6.5 years, and we have 2 of the cutest boys ever created…:)
Conclusion
You didn’t think you were going to slouch on your sofa and listen to sad songs for the entire 60 days, right?
If you are determined to get your ex back, you have to understand a few important things:
1. You have to remain active, socially engaged, and busy as much as you can.
Keep your friends close and confide in them (though I wouldn’t ask for their advice). If they invite you to go out with them – go!
If you get a chance to go on a date with a nice guy – go. There’s no harm in it and it can even help you get your ex back further along.
2. You have to calm down and figure out what went wrong so you could prevent it from happening again (with anyone for that matter).
3. You are going to spend this time becoming the best version of yourself mentally and physically, I don’t care how many books you’ll have to read.
4. Realize that no matter how effective the no contact rule is, it won’t be enough to get your ex back for good (I won’t lie to you).
If you really want him back, go this extra mile. You won’t regret it.
Time with no contact will give you the clarity you need to remember who you are, and what you’re made of and to find your emotional center.
It gives you the chance to figure out what went wrong (without pointless anger and accusations) and it will allow your ex to MISS you like he never did before.
The no contact rule is a way to protect you from further pain, sorrow, and disappointment and for me, it has worked.
60 days after our breakup we were back together and planning our wedding in a few months.
Rooting for ya,
Lisa
terry says
i just broke up with my boyfriend as I could see that he does not make time for me he is always busy with something and it has been a momth now but when he calls its only when he needs a favour from me,i don’t know what to do as I really love him and I have started a NC rule and it has been 7 days know should I wait and give him space
Rya says
I have been in a relationship for 8 yrs. Bf’s family knows about our relationship but my family didn’t know about our relationship.. For the past 7 years we so happy and everything goes well between us. After some time we had some misunderstanding over small issues due to his busy working schedule.. He can’t really spend time with me or his family.. He also continues his studies while working.. Then we can’t meet each other due to this coronavirus (covid 19) ccp virus quarantine because we working from a different place.. First 2 weeks he didn’t contact me or call because busy working schedule during quarantine.. I will just WhatsApp on and off. I asked him is there everything ok and he said he facing financial issues and job problems and he was so worried since he has high commitments. After that, i told him that i have to my parents and they decided to meet him…he agreed to visit us . Recently, we broke up because he said that his father didn’t agree for our marriage because we getting misunderstanding over small things and the situation will be the same even though we got married and he said he scared and that will happen and after that all of sudden he said he don’t love me anymore and day by day lose interest on me.. Even 2 days before we got broke up he told me that he was missing me, so eager to meet me and i was his love and all.. But i don’t understand why he broke up with me all of the sudden but i feel he got frustrated due to the situation of his financial crisis do i decide to give him space and time. It is possible for us to get back? I really need a serious reply. Thanks
Elizabeth Ann Wong says
Hi,
My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years and he recently asked to have a break for 2 months. I was angry and hurt but on the 4th day of the break, I realized why we needed the break so i texted him to ask if I could tell him about my realization. He agreed and shared we had a heart-to-heart talk over the phone about it. We agreed that I need to be more emotionally dependent on myself and I told him about the classes I signed up for and he said he was very happy for me. He also said he wanted the break instead of breaking up because he still loves me but wants the time to really free himself to see if he’s also too emotionally dependent on me or whether he truly loves me. This is because he said that no one else has cared for him as much as I have cared for him. He also said that he will not be actively looking for other girls and wants to focus on his career but he’s also can’t promise me that he won’t date other girls if someone does actually appear in his life. He said that if i have faith in him and our relationship and also since I promised to work on myself, I should feel that I will be someone that he would still come back to even if he tries dating other girls. We agreed to try dating for a month after the two months of no contact. However, he also said that he doesn’t want to keep my hopes up that we’ll get back together for real after trying to date again for a month. I’m not sure if I’m seeing mixed signals here or is there really hope that we’ll get back together.
Priya says
Hi
I broke up with my ex a year ago. He tried to get back to me for the next 6 or 7 months. I took time to give a recommitment. Now in the 8th month when i decided to get back with him, he said he no longer loves me and was seeing someone else, though broke up with her in a month. I begged, pleaded, and what not till two days back but now he treats me just like a friend. So I have decided to rescue my dignity and go for no contact. It took me around 8 months after our initial breakup to realize he is the one for me. But till then he had moved on. Now, will the no contact period work to get him back or there is no hope of us reconciling?
Lisa Redfield says
Yes, I think there is definitely hope. Stick to it and try to be strong 🙂
Reitz says
Hi Lisa,
I have been in NC for more than 65days. Well, my bf went silent first so I just followed suit and have been silent on him. In between this period I happened to text him that it’s fine he dumped me and I have moved on. The truth is I have not moved on an inch but his response was he hasn’t dumped me and that he just needs a moment of silence. Honestly am mad at him but can’t show it. As a matter of fact we didn’t argue or been to fights before he left for a shift of town to another job. So there was no reason for silence. His behavior is too irritating since after I asked how I wronged him he said I didn’t. So like am torn between moving on or just waiting. It’s difficult for me to come up with a clear decision my mind is so crowded coz we’ve a daughter 2yrs old and his close relatives are in touch with me but I haven’t told anyone what’s happening. To be honest sometimes I am too overwhelmed and I just cry but still not able to share not even with my friends. Last week he broke the silence with a text and asked me to visit him over the weekend but I simply refused and he didn’t bother even pleading so he went silent again. Am so confused bitter mad name all. I really don’t know how to go about it cause it’s like we are both waiting for the other to start the conversation but I can’t coz he went silent first. Still to say this I think I maybe pushed him away he hardly told me he loves me so like I was directly confronting him that he doesn’t love me and that’s why hardly does he say it with his words. I love this guy whole heartedly but I hate it he rarely tells me so like other couples do. U know am still in the dark coz he doesn’t tell where I went wrong so am just guessing everything.
Janet says
What if he wants to come back after a month or earlier should I still stick to the 60 days?
Lisa Redfield says
You don’t have to…but I would make sure he is sure…
Lauren Doppel says
Hi Lisa,
My live in boyfriend of 3 years and I broke up over a fight. I left and took my things and as he begged me to come back, I thought of everything I could say to hurt him because I was so angry and hurt. A week later after cooling down I wanted to come back home but he said he didn’t want me back. He proceeded to sign a lease with another apartment and said he was moving out. He was so angry at me that I didn’t know how to handle it. I went from being sorry and telling him I love him to telling him he was an asshole for threatening and bullying me. I wasn’t able to distinguish the fact that the threatening and bullying was just his was of manifesting his pain and hurt. When I was able to get my emotions under control I realized I had to accept how he handled his anger because I was the one who hurt him. He says he still loves me but is trying to get over me. I tried to apologize and he said it was a month too late and that he has already signed a new lease and moved out. Do I still have a chance? We were madly in love with each other but he’s so angry that all he sees is red and that he is the victim and I owe him the world. What do you suggest I do?
Lisa Redfield says
I would relax and give him some time. Anger won’t last long and he said he loves you and is trying to get over you – which is code name for “I need more apologies and to feel safe again with you”. Give him a few more days without contacting him and than apologize again (after you thought it through and are sure that you have things to apologize about) – and everything will be fine.
Anonymous11 says
My ex and I dated for about 3 months, we were arguing a lot because we were both pretty damaged from previous relationships and I didn’t realize I’d been bringing baggage from a previous relationship where my SO cheated/flirted with other women, etc. That’s not to say that my most recent ex didn’t flirt with other women, he’d say it wasn’t that serious, but it is to me. Anyway, we broke things off, had patches in our contact for about 3 weeks, the last time we had contact, I initiated it (tried to have a feelings talk, which I now realize was a mistake) and the day after, which was about a week ago, he told me not to contact him again. So I haven’t and I honestly don’t ever plan to initiate contact with him. A friend suggested I do the NC rule because after 2 months, I’m either gonna be closer to getting over him completely or he’ll initiate contact with me and maybe we could work things out.
Should I do the NC rule with the mindset that we could possibly get back together (do you see that being possible) or just use it as a “getting-over-him” method?
Lisa Redfield says
I think that you should not set a mind-set:) I think that the NC should be done with the mind-set of “what ever the result will be – it will be the best thing for me” – no matter what it is.
Setting expectation is missing the point – the point it focusing on yourself and on being happy – without depending on any outcome. That’s the secret.
I hope this helps and good luck!
Mar says
I am currently about to give birth this month and have only 4 weeks left . Our relationship changed when I got pregnant everything went down the drain . He ended up cheating on me on my last weeks of pregnancy and left me abandoned and I decided to give each other space he then a week after started texting me and telling me he loves me and wanted to get back with me so we started speaking and now since he thinks I went against his word he don’t want to talk to me anymore and told me to forget about fixing things and the next week he wants to fix things again . What do I do ? I feel like he’s confused and doesn’t know what he wants or he’s just playing with my feelings cause then he says he don’t care .
Lisa Redfield says
I think that you are right about him being confused, and mostly scared. Some guys struggle about becoming a dad, and it makes them do crazy stuff. He cares deeply about you and your child, I’m sure. Just give him the time to digest this situation and I’m sure he’ll come around soon.
Kelly says
I think he is dating someone currently. So I told him that I’m happy for you that you’ve moved on. Is it okay to look okay whereas deep down I’m hurt.
Lisa Redfield says
Yes, it’s the wise thing to do. But you don’t have to hide your emotions from yourself and your friends.
Tan says
We had a unspoken break up . He got married but I miss him terribly now .it was a 4 years of a relationship . I have blocked him on social media but I am not able to forget him . I know this is over but I feel helpless. Will he ever retreat losing me ? Will he ever miss me ?
Kelly says
Hi, I need a suggestion. My ex boyfriend and I are working together, it’s hard to do the no contact because we officially need to talk. I was in no contact earlier for 30 days and due to some work he started talking to me saying that he missed me n stuff but he can’t come back to me. Thats what he told me. I was heart broken but i told him its ok its fine. He told me that he’s confused with everything, he’s not sure whether he is still in love with me or not. We ended up making love for the last time. He told me that he’s not ready to start for a new relationship and he’s not seeing anyone new. When we were dating he did proposed me for marriage, and I said yes. After a week we broke up. He still drops me home after work. What should I do. Its almost a year that we are dating. Please help! I’m thinking of leaving my job, cuz I can’t take it anymore.
Lisa Redfield says
Yes, the NC is almost impossible when you work together. It’s either leaving your job (not a good idea if it’s a good one and you like it) – or changing the story in your head in a way that you can try to move on. If you sit there and wait for him to change his mind – it probably won’t work because he can sense that “need” from you and it will only drive him away further. Try to focus on yourself and keeping busy. Try to be happy without depending on anyone else. This is the secret of being irresistibly attractive.
Diana says
Hi. How are you?
I’ve been dating my ex schoolmate for 2 months after haven’t met for five years. He told me he’s been stalking me on instagram and ask my friends about me before he finally have the courage to ask me out. He’s been looking for me when he found out that we live nearby. He led me on. Keep contacting me & make plans to hang out together eventhough he’s busy with his work while I’m a student. I begin to love him eventhough we always argue with each other. I accept him even he’s not looking good as his schooldays before. I don’t really mind about his appearance tho. He always told me about his insecurity because he thinks that I’m too hot for him & he can’t ask me to stay if I found better guy. Now we haven’t contact for 5 weeks after a fight on that night. He said he can’t stand of me but never explain any further. But I think it is because we always had arguments. Since that, I tried to reach him by text him 3 times for a week but he never reply. So, I give him closure. Now it’s already 5 weeks he’s been ignoring me. But he never block me on any social media. He just keep viewing my Ig story & on week 4, he did liked my photo & voted for my ig story poll. But that’s it. He never try to text me or call me. He just stalking my ig and that’s it. I don’t understand why he became like this and disappointed with him because he’s the one who led me on and giving me hope. What should I do now? I still miss him & willing to get back again if we wanted too. Should I wait for him?
Candice says
Hi
My ex and I broke up 2 weeks ago, he is 60 years old, I’m giving him the space he needs, no contact at all after I collected my things from his place, but he knows I love him and want us to be together, he text me and began talking about his day 3 hours later I responded nice, then he replied just checking in, he still like my tweets now and then last night he posts a song on FB Josh Krajcik Let Me Hold You and an hour later he posts Madison Ryan Ward Mirror wording in this says its just not going to work out between us do you think he sending a message to me in that song? talking to himself? or does he just like the song for no reason he never posts sad songs on FB in the year that we were together.
Lisa Redfield says
I think that he is showing you what he is going through in his mind at this moment. This does not mean that he has reached a conclusion. Give him the time he needs to figure things out for himself and try to focus on yourself and on your happiness at this time.
Gold says
I started dating my boyfriend April 29th 2017. It was fun getting to know each other. Along the line, there were things he did i nagged about. He wasn’t romantic and take important days seriously such as valentin’s day and even birthdays. I always got angry and told him i do not want the relationship anymore. Though we always came back. With time, he fell out of love and asked for a break but i refused and pleaded. Things were not as before. We always talked very formal till he told me one morning that the love for me isnt there anymore that we should be friends. I expressed my anger of him not wanting it to work and brokeup. I told him i was pretty, smart and intelligent and my real man will come for me soon. Then thanked him for the freedom. All these happened on the 22nd of March 2018. I still love him n wish to be with him forever. Please will this no contact rule bring him back? I cant really tell if he was cheating on me because there was no sign. Even if he did, i cant say if he brought her home because i always came to his home unannounced. Please help me.
Lisa Redfield says
I think it’s worth a try in your case, yes. Good luck!
Mystic says
Does this work if you have a kid together but spit and you only talk about your kid or does it need to be absolutely no contact?
Lisa Redfield says
It’s not really possible to do when you have a child together… you have to talk about your kid.
Laura says
Hi! My fiancee left me just over 2 weeks ago. We also broke up last August but he came back begging me. However this time he did it, and moved out of our shared flat within a week. He sold our belongings and asked for my ring back. He’s being nice, trying to do anything he can to help but the reality is now that we haven’t signed the contract for our flat again that I have to pay another months rent but can’t live there as he sold everything.
I’m staying with my mum and living out of a suitcase. I also found out that he had told a girl on Instagram we were broken up on our holiday to when we we’re not.
Previous to this we were having normal conversation. He still wanted to be friends and said how my happiness is so so important to him but he doesn’t think our relationship can work as we tried once before. He says he cares and is sexually attracted to me. He also text me saying someone told him I’m talking to another guy and asked if it was true which made me angry and he said it just wasn’t nice to hear that. But he doesn’t want me be with me so I’m so confused. He also says he’s sexually attracted to me still (we barely had sex during the relationship and it caused me to be insecure and him frustrated, we spoke about it after we split)
Anyway when I confronted him about this girl he said it’s none of my business and to fuck off. I sent him a long angry text and he hasn’t replied since. This has been the longest we haven’t spoken in 4 years.
If I start no contact now do you think it could work??
Advice please!
Lisa Redfield says
I think that at this point you have nothing to lose by doing the NC. Worth a try. Good luck!
shazzy says
my boyfriend’s cousin lied to him that he kissed me during a period of time we were not together … I explained to him dat it wasn’t true but instead he believes his cousin and says he hates me and that he is done with me. what should I do?
Lisa Redfield says
Talk to your cousin and ask him why he is doing this and convince him to tell the truth.
patience says
I been dating this man for 4 months now. He is a divorcee.this man doesnt call nor text me, when i call sometimes he picks the call sometimes he doesnt if i ask him why he goes mute he says nothing. Last week i asked him if we cane meet and discuss something important he agreed. When visited him at his house he just desided to leave me alone home and said he will be back soon but after some hours passed only to call me that he was watching soccer with friends. I was so hurt and left the house i sent him text that you dont care and feel comfortable us being together but he just kept quite. After two days i textd him saying i forgive you for what you did to me but i was hurt. He just replied thanks and went mute. Am asking if the no contact can apply i do love this man and says that he aldo loves me but sometimes i wonder if he truly loves me.
Lisa Redfield says
Yes, I would do the no contact in this case. The problem is that you keep contacting him when he says nothing and he knows it. You are being taken for granted. If you want to change this, take this time to focus on your self worth…
Mindy says
He broke up with me because he couldnt do the long distance and didnt feel the “spark”. Then a week after he texted me saying I miss you. I replied back couple hours later saying “I need more than that. Please be mindful of my feelings before you contact me. Take care”. Was I too much? was this a bad move?
Lisa Redfield says
I think this was just fine.
Cheryl says
So i met this guy in the middle of june this past year, over a dating website. Wonderful great guy, everything ive ever wanted, we got along great and enjoyed our time together. However hes a real busy guy( owns a construction business) has always told me from the beggining hes crazy busy. Hes always found time to call me at least once or twice a week. But now i havent heard from him since the beggining of january. He wont answer my calls/texts. This is because i went and called him 6 times one night, and the next day he was kinda upset at me. And here we are today and still havent talked to him. What should i do?
Mitch says
He left because he feels young and he wants to experience other people. He says he was unhappy and we were fighting a lot. I’ve said all I can but his mind is made up. He wants to date other people.
Michelle says
2 weeks ago I caught my boyfriend cheating I broke up with him he called me days after crying saying he was so drunk and made a huge mistake and was trying to make it work but I told him I didn’t want to be with him. It is now a week later and I still haven’t heard from him. I know I shouldn’t want to be with him since he cheated but I was with him for many years and love him
Allison says
Hi,
I have been with my ex boyfriend for two years and in October we broke up. The reason is because he said he is bery confused he feels he still loves me but he is not in love with me anymore. We still live together,
Within this month, I have been on and off begging him and asking him the same questions, “do you still love me? ” “why you treat me like this? “….etc I feel like an idiot. Sometimes I reinforce no contact rule that I would come home late but I never maintain it all the way because he would Always come to my room wanting to talk to me. I also have sex two times so far since we broke up. Two days ago, because I hung out with my friends until very late and he didn’t see me at all. He started saying he misses me. But because I came back early yesterday. He begged me if I can spend time with him. I thought he wanted to be with me again, but then he suddenly told me, “don’t get attached to me”. When I asked him why, he told me, “because we are not together anymore”. He even said right now he doesn’t see that I am the right person for him.
It’s very sad…
Do you think with my this kind of situation, using no contact rule would still work? For how long I have to do? I have even also asked my friends to let me stay at their houses sometimes for a few days a week.
Lisa Redfield says
I think that it’s extremely difficult to do the no contact when you love together…I would find a place to live and try to move on, for now, with my life.
BB says
My partner has split up with me out of the blue after 6 years.
He has been working away in a different country for the past 6 months, home 4 days out of the month and it has been tough. 10 days ago we booked a holiday of a life time for next August. Today he’s a different person.
He says he is confused and doesn’t know how he feels anymore. He still loves me, cares and cried for an hour. But he thinks it’s for the best.
This was today. I am crushed.
I want him back. But I know I need to give him space and give myself space.
His family are all devestated and are convinced he’s having some form of mid life crisis and will be back. But I’m just not so sure.
I’m going to try my absolute best not to contact him even though this will fall over Christmas and my birthday and be super hard.
But does this really work? I want so badly for him to come back to me.
Lisa Redfield says
If you do it right, it has high chances of working. I don’t think it’s a midlife crisis, I think that it’s the distance. Long distance relationships are extremely hard.
I would do the NC and see what happens.
Nicky says
My husband walked out after 25 years together … he wanted space but he didnt know what it ‘looked’ like, ie how long, how we would communicate etc. We have three adult children. He had cheated on me in past 5 years, had a cancer scare, lost his dad, was overlooked for a job that really shouldve been his and so on. He snapped 5 months ago, and left in anger 3 months ago. He has become angry, has lost his empathy, and is anxious when around me. He is also now on antidepressants but there is just something else going on in his mind. He has engaged in ‘exploring a friendship’ with another woman, (despite assurances that the break was about getting himself together) unfortunately i caught him by pure accident … but he deflected and it was MY fault i happened to be driving home and saw him. I firmly believe he is going through a mid life crisis but cant make him get help. After 4 weeks of limited contact (daughters bday interrupted this) and the horrid experience of catching him, i met with him and spoke at length going over us, our history and, sadly, his declaration he is NEVER COMING HOME. Have started the clock again on NC … i love this man to bits but hes not who i married .. and i know that man is inside. His birthday and Christmas are coming, im having to plan everyrhing without him. Our children are angry, and right now are also not in contact. How does the added element of possible mental illness affect NC?
Lisa Redfield says
Nicky,
I think that he is just going through a midlife crisis, I don’t think he has a mental illness (but of course I don’t know…)
Here’s a post that can help you:
https://how-to-save-marriage.org/midlife-crisis-affair/
Paulina says
My boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me, we were living together. I know he still loves me because just days before we were in Mexico and although we had a couple of fights we had a few good moments too. And the week before that he brought his family to meet mine for the first time (they are from Israel so they never met before) why would you do that if you didnt love me and were going to break up? Anyways he is a very good man, super loyal, and caring. I have realized the mistakes in the relationship, I was becoming very needy and I was always picking fights and in a bad mood. I have been doing a lot of self improvement on myself with yoga, meditation, and a lot of books. I havent talked to him in 4 days and I want to wait 30 days. I want to talk to him face to face and let him know all the reasons it wasnt working out and how this time alone has made me see my mistakes and how we could improve. Would this work the same as text messages? For him to see me calm, collected, and vibrant? I just really want him to know that i realize the mistakes I was doing, but what is the best way to get this through? Thanks for the help.
Lisa Redfield says
I think that it can work too, definitely. But I wouldn’t focus on telling him about your “mistakes” and more about letting him see that you are now calm and confident. That is enough. Good luck!
Leandra says
Hello , I feel very devastated sad and empty after my breakup with someone I am deeply in love with and been in relation with for the past five years. I broke up with him almost a month ago after a big fight that happened in front of my kids which had really pissed me off as he disrespected me first and second all that happened in front of my kids. (P.S. I am a single mom of 2 lovely kids). But then 2 weeks after he blocked me so I couldn’t fight the urge to send a message stating that I miss him and asking if he forgot me. He answered the second day that we need to go separate ways and that I should move on and try to have another person in my life. Since then i wished him the best and we both went completely no contact it’s been almost 20 days but I am dying from inside. Help me please!
Lisa Redfield says
Just keep up with the no-contact. The point, though, is to really try to focus on yourself right now, instead on missing him. Do everything to keep busy and knowing (or at least hoping) that everything will turn to be the way you want it.
Monika says
Hello, my bf and I were together for 2 years. He’s 25 and I’m 21. Our relationship was complicated meaning that we used to have those “talks” every now and then concerning me being kind of clingy and him having intimacy issues. We had broken up 2 times because of some stupid facebook things but we got back together eventually thanks to me being less selfish than him. However, we loved each other and what we had was real no matter what. This time the break up was serious, he was honest with me as always and told me that he feels it’s too early for him in life to commit to a serious relationship like ours and that he wants to have other experiences too, not just with other girls but things like trips and creative stuff. He said that if we continued like we will probably get married in the future and that scared him. He doesn’t wanna wake up one day when he’s 40 and think that he’s been with the same girl since 23. That would have bad consequences. He said he needs time and space and that I was all over him sometimes. He still loves me though, he told me that he loved me like no other girl and did stuff with me (like trips) which he had never done with anyone else. I was a total mess, thinking that this is it. How can I be the best girl he had, like he said, and still break up with him? For a month we had communication with me being clingy again saying how much I miss him and stuff and it was awkward for him because if he said he missed me too it would be like leading me on. Our last conversation was about how I miss him (again) and he said that he feels he has too much power over me and if that doesn’t change we won’t be able to have a real communication at least. He told me I have to get over it and put myself together, be the person he met 2 years ago when I was more independent and confident. Since then, I’m really trying to do that and it’s going kinda well. I’m gonna apply the rule of no contact to make him see that I’ve changed and I don’t miss him. It will be a suprise for him, although I don’t know whether it would bring us back together. In the future, maybe…What else should I do?
Lisa Redfield says
That sounds just right to me, just do the no contact for 60 days, and see where it gets you. Use this time to regain your confidence and self esteem, otherwise it may not work.
pj says
Good news for all in N.C!
I have encouraging news for anyone going through a break up right now: When I was fresh in break up, I scoured the Web looking for this comfort but could hardly find. Its seems when people feel better, they dont come back so I promised myself that when I feel better, I will come back and encourage someone. Am 52 days in No contact today.
I feel 100 x better than where I started. I now eat and finish all my food, I sleep like a baby, I have found my purpose in life in process and am giving it my all, I have raised my standards, my life has transformed in ways I can not describe in words here. My life is 100 x better than before I broke up. However, some times I get emotional burden and I cry. Then it will take longer period before I can cry again. Initially, I was focused on getting her back but after having time to study the relationship, I realised that it a huge blessing to be out that thing. I can do a whole better than that. I now don’t want want to go back. Yes the pain isn’t completely gone but it only gets better. Am a lot better and can’t take it back in that mess.
I had my time of wailing and sobbing and not eating not sleeping and even standing and walking were uncomfortable. I could feel like my heart was actually broken. You may be there right now but I want to assure you from personal testimony that it will get better. I doesn’t feel like that now but it will.
What helped me:
1. Am a devout Christian so I spent so much time reading the bible and confessing the word of God. I spent plenty of time in prayer and fasting and overnights. Actually, am praying all the time.
2. I did No contact. It may or may not return your ex but it will surely bring you emotional healing. By all means it made an immeasurable difference.
3. Am taking this break up as a course, massively learning and growing from the experience
4 . Am going on dates, to genuinely connect with new people. Well it feels incredible
I know it’s very hard now but it’s going to be okay. I know it does feel like that but Actually, it’s going to be better than than its ever been. You will not just be restored, you will flourish. I promise
Rachel says
Hi ,
My ex boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me a month ago and he hasn’t contacted me. I don’t plan to contact him because he told me he needs space and that he no longer has feelings for me, but he also stated that he doesn’t want to lose me entirely and would like to be friends. I did all the wrong things to save our relationship: pleaded, begged, called, texted, but like I said before, it’s been a month now and I don’t know what to do. Should I wait for him to reach out to me? Or should I text him? Before he broke up with me, he was abroad for about a month so technically we’ve been two months apart, but we we’re still messaging while he was away. Is it possible that he’s over me completely?
Tina says
Hi,
I was with my bf for 2,5 years and it was a wonderful relationship. We were discussing Marriage for next year. The last 2 months were tough we fought a lot cause we both were going through problems and got irritated. But whenever we met it was wonderful. He was going through problems with his job. I thought and saw it as a bad phase which we can work on or which will get over. He suddenly just broke up. Saying that he is not happy anymore and feels its not working out. While he was just there a week ago and surprised me with lunch. the next week he broke up. He mentioned so many things as problems.. which never were a problem .He said he tried working it out, but doesnt see it now and its not happening. I did do the begging and pleading. He got really mad and irritated which is obvious. and then we had a calmed conversation where we parted ways..(me just accepting it) he feels we wont come back together and he doesnt want to. He offered that I can call and message him whenever I want to or we could meet up and hang out as friends without any expectations and hope. I m on day 5 of NC but I feel and fear he will not contact or message me. Maybe he has moved on the break up happened 2,5 weeks ago. I dont know what to do. Could the NC help here ?
Thank you in advance
Lisa Redfield says
Yes, I think NC would definitely help. But the whole point is keeping it and not spending the time fearing that he won’t contact you. Think of it this way: If he really doesn’t want anything to do with you anymore – ever – than staying in contact with him won’t prevent that. Do you understand what I mean?
Alyson says
Lisa.. I met this guy about three months ago. In the beginning he came on super strong to me, not even giving me time to get to know him. He would send me Løng love poems he wrote. I had another’s guy in my life at the time (not boyfriend) so it was easier for me to cut him off. When things didn’t work out in the other situation I went back to him. He accepted me and I actually was into him coming on strong then. I was still hesitant to get feelings but I got them. We would text every day and call every night. We would video call as well. This past Saturday I went to see him and it went really well. He is moving 22 hours away from me to purse football and at the time I didn’t want him to go so far away. I don’t care if he left to play football. For me it was strictly the distance. He would always say he would look into going somewhere closer so it kept my hopes up. Finally this past Monday, which was two days ago, he told me he couldn’t do this anymore because I wasn’t supportive to him. I was I just thought if I kept on him about going closer he would. Now he’s deleted me off social media and won’t answer my calls. I haven’t called or texted him since Tuesday night. I sent one long last message apologizing and letting him know I’m here and supportive. He never replied and during all of us talking about it wouldn’t answer his phone calls. I have since deleted his number because I wouldn’t stop texting or calling him. I miss him so much and want to support him and be with him. Before all of this he wanted to do a long distance relationship with me saying we would video call every night like we do now because he lives two hours away from me. At the time I just wanted it to be easier for us. Now that I’ve lost him I want him back more than ever. What do I do? Will he be moved on already. I thought maybe stay out of contact with him then go to one of his games in AZ once he starts. I’m so sad and cry all of the time. He’s very emotional too. Please help.
Lisa Redfield says
What happened is what happens to many of us. We don’t accept our loved ones wishes and ask them to change for us. That never works. It causes resentment that builds up and comes out at some point – always.
I don’t he has moved on. I think he has realized that you won’t let him be the way he wants to be – which includes living and doing what he loves where ever he wants to.
I think you know this now. I know it’s hard.
But, if you think that now you can love him no matter where he wants to live, you’ll be able to convince him that you do.
But it has to be real. It has to be a decision that comes from love, and not from fear.
yasmeen says
i was with my boyfriend for 9 years, we were engaged but near the end fought a lot. Its been three years since and i have begged him to give me another chance nearly everyday. He says he doesn’t feel the same , but nearly every month he will budge to hang out and he tells me that i need to change my behavior of begging and calling ( as he feels forced ). After we hang out I try to stay clam but even if i just send a friendly text he will ignore me for weeks or months.
So I want to know given the fact he does not have a girlfriend ( as yet), and at times is willing to hang out, however i have nagged and begged for three years, do i still have a chance if i implement this no contact rule now
Lisa Redfield says
Yes, I think you do have a chance. I would take his “advice” and stop nagging. You said yourself that no one likes to be forced. But more than that, do you really want him to hang out with you only because you begged him to? I’m sure that it doesn’t feel right to you. Good luck!
Ai says
I’m wondering why it has to be 60 days? won’t that be too long? what if during that period he really moved on and don’t even want to think about me anymore? what about me who was in LDR and we never shared any kind of memories being next to each other. would this still work?
Lisa Redfield says
It doesn’t have to be 60 days at all. It can be 30 days or any amount of days to make an impact, to give your spouse a chance to think about things without “distraction”.
And what do you think if 60 days go by and he stops thinking about you? What does that mean about his feelings? And if you stay in contact with him, will that change the way he feels and prevent him from moving on? I don’t know.
In a LDR when you’ve never been together is a different situation. But you still have memories from other forms of communication you’ve shared.
This is not a mathematical-scientific solution. You have to follow your intuition and common sense when you decide what to do.
Vasudha says
We are married for one and a half years and I m seven months pregnent. One and half years were a complete struggle for me as i was the one loving him and was being taken as granted. We broke up 4 months ago but remained in a formal touch. I have applied the no contact rule now for last 10 days. He does not even bother that I m pregnant. Brad! I feel he was not in love with me. Does nc helps to get a relationship back when it was almost one sided.
Kat says
My boyfriend has just ended it with me out of the blue, via text message, saying he is not in love with me anymore. He has a lot going on with problems with his kids, money and business and I worried he was on the verge of a breakdown, but our relationship was fine. I’d let him know I was there for him and there’s been no arguements or anything. A few weeks ago he told me that his ex had been in touch and that he didn’t think he was over her and his feelings were confused. We had a good talk and he told me that although he had feelings for her he did love me. (He ended their relationship as it was a toxic one). Then out of the blue last week he ended it saying he had gone to work away, he needs space and doesn’t know what he wants. I heard nothing from him but five days after I got him on the phone, again he said he didn’t know what he wanted. Two days later his friend rang me to say he had dropped my stuff at his house. I was angry and texted to ask why he hated me so much. He replied saying he didn’t hate me but didn’t love me. He also said he’d seen his ex to get closure which hurt my feelings. He’s gone to work away and isn’t answering calls/texts from anyone, he’s completely isolated himself. He does need space to sort his head, and I have emailed him to say I won’t give up on him yet. I still believe he loves me otherwise I’d happily walk away. I know he needs space, do you think it’s worth me giving this no contact a try? Others say the fact he ended it by text shows he didn’t care about our relationship but I wondered if it was because if he saw or spoke to me he wouldn’t be able to say it. I look forward to your advice. Thank you.
Lisa Redfield says
Kat,
I believe that yes, the 60 day NC is the right thing for you now. Let him go, because he want to go, and you fighting for it or him will not change it. He didn’t use text to break up with you because he didn’t care, but because he was afraid of your reaction and couldn’t handle hurting you directly.
But he is telling you the truth, and you have to accept it. He doesn’t know what he wants right now, and denial on your part will nor change it.
Give him the space he needs and go on with your life. Focus on yourself. If it’s mean to be it will be.
No one can be forced to do or feel anything, just because you really want it.
Hang in there, everything happens for the best of reasons. The best for you is coming.
ICE says
I did the no contact rule and during that time, he fell for someone else… He just told me now. I’m hurt…
Lisa Redfield says
Let me ask you this: Do you think that if you didn’t do the NC, and keep texting and calling him – He wouldn’t have fallen for someone else?
Of course he would, because this is what he wanted.
The NC always works. Either it makes the guy aware of what he lost and appreciate it for te first time, or it allows a relationship that shouldn’t go on – End – While giving you the chance of healing and focusing on yourself again, instead of spending your days waiting for him to answer your texts, or analyzing everything he says or does until you can’t take it anymore.
Do you understand what I’m saying?
This is for the best. This means that you two maybe were not meant to be. And it’s alright. A whole new world is waiting out there for you, full of endless possibilities, if you just lift your eyes and see it.
Alicia says
I am currently at day 1 no contact with my husband of 5 years+. we dated 6 years before getting married. We’ve been struggling for the past 4 months. At first he said that it was his issues and does not want my help, it may be his new work stress. Then, situations got worse when he avoided me at all cost, even for intimacy. We went for a short trip and he was being absent minded. Then, I decided to confront him for the third time. His reason was he has no feelings for me anymore, not like it used to be and feeling awkward to be with me, and that he needed a cool down period. He offered to move out, but I offered to move out myself. He hasn’t contacted me since. I guess we are officially separated. Should I remain no contact? It’s our 6th year anniversary next month, it’s cruel to stay no contact on that day.
Lisa Redfield says
Alicia,
Yes, I think you should stay no contact. I think it’s more painful to contact him on your anniversary, when you can’t celebrate it. Give him that cooling down period, but more importantly – Use this time to focus on yourself. Focus on healing yourself and being reminded about things you forgot a lomg time ago: Who you are, what you want, what you don’t want, and how you see your life from now on.
Everything happens for the best. Think about what you have to gain from this separation (and I promise you – You do), and you’ll understand why it happened in the first place.
Macy says
My bf broke up with me,we were together for 10 months and have been broken up for a little over a week.I’ve been talking to him at school a lot since then.Does the no contact rule still apply,I’m on fall break and idk what to do when we go back to school.I love him a lot,do you think the no contact rule will work,we were really close and the break up came out of no where.He showed no signs that he was going to break up,in fact he kissed me and hugged me and cuddled with me and talked aboit marrying me the day he broke up with me.We were each others first kiss,and we were just super close
Lisa Redfield says
Macy,
Yes, I think the no contact can work, but I can’t promise.. This means not talking to him at school, other than a polite hello and how are you. This sudden change is weird, and it’s caused by something he hasn’t told you about, that’s for sure.
Give it time, the truth will come out, and then you’ll know what to do.
Good luck!
Sanethia says
I’m in a stage where I do not know what to think. I was seeing someone for about a month. He is not an ex but we had an past before where we we’re intimate. We were younger and it was more of puppy love so we fell off. We as i recently ran into him we started over and forgot the past. we started to get close again. But I didn’t pressure himof being his girlfriend because I did not want to run him away. He mentioned from the beginning he didn’t want to jump right into any relationship. And I agreed, I told him to let each day tell itself, but just dont run. Don’t run because you feel your going to start falling hard. If it happens then maybe it is in God’s will. Anyway we started to get intimate again after some time and everytime was amazing. Until one day he texted me and said we can’t see each other anymore. He said that his intension’s for me weren’t good? and that he did not want to hurt me. He said it’s not that I don’t like you or anything. It’s just that I have stronger feelings for someone else. Till this day he is still single. I don’t understand?? I have tried to respect his decision of not talking for a while but some nights I text goodnight and thats all until. Until one night he said “sweetheart you don’t have to text me everynight” that really put me down. I don’t know what to think about this situation because I feel he gave me closure on why he did not want to communicate anymore. But I also feel like that it wasn’t enough closure. I think about him sooo much and times i caught myself crying because I felt used even though everything was consensual. I want to be with him but the way things have been i can see that his interest is not as high as mine. I’m so confused on how his interest just left within a blink of an eye. Besides i always initiated the converstaions and hang outs anyway… Now I’m just left wondering at times was it me?
Lisa Redfield says
No, it wasn’t you. It just wasn’t right for him, it has nothing to do with you.
Do yourself a favor and move on as quickly as you can. Keep busy and try not to think about him. This way you can free yourself to meet the right guy for you.
And a hint: Next time, don’t assume that the guy will run away (like you did with this one), because the universe will again give you what you want and expect, whether you really want it or not.
jul says
I and the guy dated for two months, then he pulled away after I did not give sex yet, he pull away on me and did not initial contact as before, then I did 30 days no contact, I broke it once, but second time I proceed with 30 days, after that I contact him, he replied immediately with very warm tune. However, I was waiting for him to initial a contact or even initial meet up, it’s been 2 weeks since I contacted him last time, I still did not hear anything from him. Do I have still any chance?
thanks
Lisa Redfield says
I think that is he pulled away from you because you didn’t sleep with him, let him go. Do you really want to start a love relationship with a guy that’s clearly interested in one thing?
What good can come out of it?
Spare yourself the heart ache and move on. It’s not anybody’s fault, it’s just not meant to be. Take the hint from the universe and move on.
I hope this helps and good luck!
Jackie says
I have text my ex after 30nc but when he first left 4 months ago I begged him so I did 30 nc He text me back telling me what he is doing now and his plans when he retires in 4 year’s.I love him so much. He doesn’t seem that bothered about me what shall I do next.thank you
Lisa Redfield says
Jackie,
Here’s my post with how to text him next, the right way:
https://howtogetaguytowantyou.com/how-to-get-your-ex-back-by-text/
Lauren says
What’s your suggestion if your ex is also your best friend?
We dated for 3 years then broke up because I panicked and ran. We’ve been broken up for a year now. He has started seeing someone. Right at the same time as I’m telling him that I want him back.
I don’t know what to do or how to function. He tells me he wants to fix things and get back together but he has to fix himself because I hurt him and made him turn off his feelings and emotions, then he hasn’t broke up with this girl. Any suggestions?
Lisa Redfield says
Lauren,
I think that his ego was really hurt because you ran. For men it takes some time to get over ego issues. This other girl is lifting his ego because it’s a new thing…
In short, if you were meant to be it won’t work with this other girl. If he’s worth it to you, I would wait. At least for a while, and at the same time stay his friend, no matter your relationship status.
I hope this helps and good luck!
Janice says
My ex and I only dated for a couple months. We met in NC, but are actually from the same part of VA. Before I met him, I was coming out of a 10 year relationship but was not ready to move on completely. I was going on dates at the time, but never took anything seriously…. Until I met him. I instantly fell for him.
Well, he had his issues (like all other men.) He claimed he was a sociopath and didn’t care for anyone’s feelings. I don’t know how true that was. It just seemed to me that he was probably dealing with personal issues he didn’t feel he could share with me. I think this because he would be very caring toward me. However, there were periods of times where he’d ignore me. Long story short, he won’t speak to me now because I blew up on him when I was upset over a time he ignored me. He hasn’t talked to me in nearly two months. Initially, I tried to not contact him. I broke two times. Now, I am of day 17 of 60. I just don’t know what to do. I saw that he is on a social media dating site and I am worried he will find someone else. Do you think NC will work on him, or have I lost him?
Lisa Redfield says
Janice,
Unfortunately, I obviously have no idea if you’ve lost him. What happened in the 2 times you contacted him?
Janice says
Hi Lisa,
The first time, he didn’t respond. The second time, he responded, but only to say he didn’t have my number saved anymore. When he figured out it was me, he stopped responding.
Lisa Redfield says
Janice, if hr doesn’t want to talk, leave him be. Give it time. Try to focus on yourself now. On your friends, your work, your life. If it’s meant to be, it will be. I promise.
Alexandra says
Me and my ex were together for two and a half years and this Sunday it’ll be two weeks since he’s kicked me out. Everything was fine but I have cheated on him a few times but I learned my lesson and wanted to better my self. He agreed to try and get over it but these last couple months we’ve been so on and off lately then he finally kicked me out of our apartment. I’ve kinda been an embarrassment since then and have been practically begging for him back but he wants nothing to do with me and is already hanging out with someone else he says it’s too late. Do you think I should try this and there’s a chance? I’m just having a really hard time not talking to him because he’s my rock. I go to him for everything and now I feel like I have nothing.
Lisa Redfield says
Alexandra,
He is probably unable to get over his anger and forgive, plus he may not be able to trust you. You probably know this.
The way I see it you have 2 options:
1. Stay in touch with him, but as a friend only, be able to support him and be casual even if he is seeing someone else.
2. Try the no-contact rule.
Both may lead to the same outcome – Him being able to process things and forgive you, or not.
Choose the way you feel more comfortable with (not out of fear!), and stick with it.
Believe that what ever the outcome, it’s the best thing for you and him.
I hope this helps and good luck!
Ann says
My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. In those 5 years, we had 3 major break ups, including now. He is 22, I am 25. He broke with me on a phonecall saying he lost feelings for me and that this is final. Prior to the break up, he was acting cold and distant, I asked him what’s up? He said he is tired of my attitude and everything else. But that was out of the blue. The day before he broke up with me, he acted distant, didn’t wanna kiss or hug me, but then we went to a party, got drunk and I slept in their house. The morning after, he asked me to go home in the afternoon cause he said he might be going home late from work. I asked him why is he acting strange when I’ve been sleeping in their house almost every weekend, he snapped and told me that he wants to break up. I wasn’t feeling well. And confused. I stayed on their home waiting for him so that we can talk. But he didnt want to. I did not contact him or texted him after he said those things to me. I admit, we have been fighting, I became a jealous type of gf, so insecure and have low self esteem, he said things that made me feel insecure like how I dress, gain weight and stuff. But when he broke up saying he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore, Is there any chance that he will come back? I need a serious answer. Its day 11 of my NC. We have a conjugal property which is a motorcycle. I am so confuse.
Lisa Redfield says
Ann,
I don’t know if there’s a chance he comes back, because it seems like he has made up his mind. For a chance of getting back together, you’ll have to keep the NC while using this time to understand what went wrong, when, and how things can be different. Without some soul searching, nothing will change even if you get back together.
Lisa
Belle says
Hi there! I actually broke it off with my bf of a yr and a half. The first time I tried breaking it off was after I found out he called our relationship ‘nothing serious’ to a friend online a was willing to get hooked up with her friend ( this was 9 months after we were dating and he said it was s reaction he had after we just had a fight). I also found out he ‘re-started’ having inappropriate text convos with another woman he had been seeing before me. I found out by looking in his phone a little over a year into the relationship. He begged me to forgive him and my NC lasted about a week. Fast forward 6 months, countless fights, an agreement to still talk after the title of fb/gf was no longer (I did not allow any sex after that happened either) and I finally found the courage to stop contacting him cold turkey after he angered me by not doing the simplest task he knew meant a lot to me: calling me when told me he would. He would always say he would call me at a certain time…and then nothing. I was furious. The last time we saw each other, he said he would call me that day. I got a text saying he wanted to meet up with me a week later. I texted back my anger and told him,’you always say I may not be your person. Did it ever occur to you that I might not be yours?’ And that was it. We have not communicated in 29 days. He was pretty horrible to me and I know I need to let it go (never introduced me to his friends; called our relationship ‘nothing serious’ after I met his mom, sister, brothers, dad, stepmom, and became really good friends with his daughter; his reaction to me finding out his ex called me a racist derogatory name was ‘I told her I don’t use language like that’; he gave excuses as to why his exes tattooed name could not be removed ftom his body (no money, and apparently a cover up never entered his brain); said work and help for his mom, brother, sister, cousin,dad, etc needed to be done and spent less time with me in comparison to the first few months we were together. In all of this, he never showed a single moment of wanting to break up with me and said he wanted to wait until it felt right to say he loved me (which he did after a year). I am just curious…do you think this man would ever try to contact me again? I’m not going back to him, but I sure am curious as to whether or not a man with this behavior has ever or could ever miss me. I guess it’s just my ego talking/writing.
Lisa Redfield says
To answer your ego – Yes, he may try to contact you again. But if the the universe is on your side (of course it is!:) – He won’t.
It’s time to move on.
If you want your anger to go away, practice forgiving. Like all of us, he only did the best he could. And this was the best and the most he could give.
But you know you want more, and deserve more. Move on and be at peace.
Emilia says
Hi. I’m trying the no contact with exceptions. We have a small child. Anyways he just texted saying he needs to talk. I know it’s not going to be good so how do you avoid it?
Lisa Redfield says
Emilia,
I don’t think you can avoid talking to him when you have a child together..
Take a deep breath and face what’s coming. How do you know it’s bad news? Always anticipate the best.
Emilia says
He is very a demente about getting divorced. And everything is fast as possible. He wants to introduce our child to his the women he left me for. Inside heartbroken.
Guest says
Before, my ex broke up with me, he blew me off, called me five minutes to midnight one night, saying he missed me and offered to pick me up as he was coincidentally driving by. He then proceeded to make plans with me on the weekend but stood me up. I became angry, erased traces of him and I on our facebook pages then deleted and blocked him. He broke up with me the next day. When my ex was sending me a break up text, he ended it in xoxo. I felt the urge to go see him to try to work things out (he’s insecure and sensitive) where he then proceeded to touch my cheek with a little smile but then still broke up with me. He was very fidgety. His actions were not those of someone who wanted to break up. He even admitted that he thought it was something bad when I showed up. Bad? What could be worse than breaking up? It was an impulsive decision on his part. After my ex broke up with me, I went into no contact for 30 days, during this time he drove by my work and even caught him driving by my apartment. He did a quick u-turn that day but not quick enough. I was over in the mall when a familiar man began to approach me saying I was just the person he was looking for then stopped in his tracks and retreated, he is one of my exes seasonal employees, I have a feeling my ex was also there but he hid behind the men when I walked by, just that feeling, then he texted me on the 29th day listing a couple of things he still has of mine and offered to drop them off sometime this week. I figured it was an excuse to see me and wanting to talk. I waited to respond to him the next day, the end of the 30 day contact, saying that he could drop my stuff off to me on Friday, he went silent on me and didn’t confirm plans. I still have not heard anything from him. Why wouldn’t he just drop off my stuff and be done with me? Should I proceed with another 30 days no contact or reach out to him in attempt to work things out again? Please help.
Lisa Redfield says
I think you should continue with the no-contact until you meet up and he tells you he wants to get back with you.
Good luck!
Guest says
He text me on the 29th day of no contact offering to drop off my stuff, I waited until the next day to respond with a day, he didn’t respond or show up so I left it alone, then a week later, he text me again saying he was sorry and the day didn’t work for him as he was busy but the rest of the week was going to be slower, that he drives by my area quite a bit, the moment before he text me, I knew he was about to text me, I felt it. I waited again then I gave him another day, again he didn’t respond or show up. I think I am going to go back into no contact and ignore him again.
Hillary Seaton says
Hi I’m in a relationship near confusion at its finest..I did wrong, not cheat but in my partners eyes his definition is his string belief of cheating.
It’ll be 3months on 5-7-16 here in a few days.. I used to text him daily to remind him that I miss him
Lately the past few month I limited it a lot. Then he began to gradually text me and we would see one another. When we did we were exactly how the relationship was before the breakup..full of love and emotional connection so strong as if we’d never left one another.. Now I don’t text anymore..I began to feel “okay he needs to miss me” and sure enough he realized I wasn’t communicating for about a week at that and just this past week he called me twice..all wee hours of the late morning.. Said he needed to hear me. Asks of what Iv done over the weekend or what my plans are for that day or weekend..
Behind all of this He’s still upset from my actions he’s told me..I can’t blame him but I’d like to know how this will more than likely play out..
Lisa Redfield says
Hillary,
I think that through what you’ve written, you will probably get back together soon. He is upset with you but obviously doesn’t really want to break up with you. Just a little more patience and talking about the issues should be enough.
Good luck!
Jessica says
Hi Lisa, my boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue last Sunday, saying that he didn’t love me as much as he used to do and that emotionally, there were times when he and his girl best friend were more than friends. Then the next day, he brought me a letter explaining what happened, that he said what he didn’t mean because he got too emotional. I was still in shock when I got the letter so I told him a day later that I’d need some time before we talk. During the time apart, I thought and rethought, and decided that I should give him another chance. So, we met up yesterday to talk but from the time apart, he realized how dependent he used to be on me and he feels so guilty of his emotional cheating that he could not get back together with me. I understood his stance so I didn’t push him further. But we ended up crying for hours together, knowing that we should break up. It’s only been a day and I miss him a lot and have been looking for advice whether this no contact rule works and how I should do it. I know that we both love each other and still think that maybe we could have worked it out together. Would you recommend me to try the NC rule? Thanks!
Lisa Redfield says
Hi Jessica,
Yes, I think that in your case the no contact could do good things for you. He needs to miss you to understand what he has lost, and there’s also a possibility that he’ll try a relationship with his girl best friend, you should take that into consideration.
If he does, no matter how difficult this may be for you, it’s the only way for him to see if his feelings for her are real, and there’s always a good chance that he’ll realize that he made a mistake and you are the one that he’s really in love with.
Hang in there, and good job with acting so mature and smart.
Everything will alright.
Jessica says
Thanks for your response. It’s been almost a month; not only have I followed the no contact rule but I’ve also made quite remarkable achievements, been reconnecting with family and friends, and even made some new friends. However, as you foresaw, it seems like he’s actually started dating that girl best friend, who he used to describe as an immature, insecure girl… It hurt me so much at first but when I ran into them, I stayed calm and even said hi (she literally just ran away and he was acting so awkward). Perhaps it’s not worth my time thinking of this past relationship over and over, but at least, I’m giving myself some time to take a step back and regain myself. Thanks again for your kind words!
Susan says
I have been dating someone for 4 months. We have great chemistry but he has some crazy limitations, for instance he insists on watching every basketball game where is favorite team plays – no exceptions so no date nights those nights. Then on the days they aren’t playing he insists on going to the gym before meeting me for dinner so he won’t meet me until after 8PM. I’ve told him this is too late for me but he won’t budge. He also refuses to be friends on Facebook. We’ve talked about all of these things and I understand where he is coming from and can accommodate most of these but he recently told me he will never get married or live with anyone ever again. I know that long term I will want to live with someone – maybe not get married. So I told him I know this is something I will want and if its something that won’t be on the table I think its a deal breaker. I think he was surprised and sad – as was I. It was a very amicable discussion (even though I was crying). I told him if he changed his mind that I hoped he would call me. I think (and he agreed) that he has a lot of personal things to work out including getting over an ex. He even joked that you never know he might snap out of it in a few months and kick himself for letting me go. He said he would really like to keep in touch because he really likes talking to me but I told him I have to move on to find what I want and by him contacting me it would probably prevent that so its best we don’t talk. He said he understood but told me if I ever want to talk he would be there for me. So I said goodbye and that was that. I guess I am hoping that with NC he will realize that he would like to come back to me with a more realistic expectation of the future. Does anyone think there is a chance this will happen?
Lisa Redfield says
Yes, I think there’s a good chance, and I think you’ve handled things really well.
Good luck!
Johns says
This remind me of my ex, the basketball games, the gym, but mine also had kids to deal with.
uloma daniel says
Had two men in ma life they both want me. But had an accommodation problem,had to live with the first man for four years. The second got angry but I love the second so much. The first has three kids . But his wife has refused to sign the divorce letter for the past three years now. What would u advise me to do? I don’t know what to do.
Lisa Redfield says
Uloma,
I think that you should follow your heart. You can still be with the second guy even if his wife refuses to divorce for now. Talk to him and find a solution to your financial problems. If you really want to be together, you’ll find a way.
Good luck!
Tracy says
Hi Lisa,
I have been dating this guy on and off for 9 months. He told me he had a fear of commitment so every 2 months we are ‘on” it is great then he gets scared and pulls away. I did the no contact for about 45 days before and he came back only to do the same thing again. Do I try longer no contact to make him stop this cycle he is doing?
Lisa Redfield says
Tracy,
In my experience, guys that say that have problems with commitment really do have that problem, I don’t know if another no-contact will change that. It’s either he is worth the wait (until he gets over his fear) or not. Only you know the answer for that…
Good luck!
Lo says
Hello,
My boyfriend of two years recently broke up with me out of no where. We were planning on getting engaged and lived together, but he said he didn’t see a future. We dated each other on and off for about two months and never really had an official break for each of us to calm down. We finally got our own places and now he says he only sees me as a friend, but can’t handle following me on social media or seeing me with another guy. Every time we are together in person, he’s extremely affectionate. Is this still salvageable if I start no contact?
Lisa Redfield says
Lo,
Yes, I think it is. I think it’s worth a try. Good luck!
Julianna says
I’m currently separated from my husband of 4 years. We have a 2 year old & a 2 month old, therefore I have to have contact with him. How can I still try to go about your method?
Lisa Redfield says
Julianna,
It’s probably close to impossible to do the no contact rule with your husband…
I have another post that can help with that, it’s on another good blog, and about how to use separation to save your marriage, I hope it helps and here it is:
https://www.how-to-save-marriage.org/can-separation-save-a-marriage/
Sophie says
Me & my boyfriend have been together for 4 years. In the beginning it was amazing, but just last year things started getting bad. We would always be fighting but we would always make up after. Starting 2016, we started off good, but towards the 2nd week I started getting really insecure to the point that I would pick fights just to get his attention. At first he would handle them but just last week he started getting tired of it. I know I should’ve never started the fights but I kept feeling like I had to fight for his attention. We’ve fought a total of 10 fights just in 1 month and they were all started by me. I don’t start the fights cause I’m unhappy, it’s just a habitat I’ve always had. I tend to push people away to see if they’ll fight back to stay & in my past relationships, it’s always ended bad. And I regret it because at the time I thought he was gonna be able to handle it and not care & just keep loving me. He used to be real patient with me but now he’s gotten tired of it and I feel like crap for taking him for granted, I’ve appolagized & I hope he knows how much I love him. On Friday he told me he loved me but he didn’t know what to do anymore cause of all the constant fights, he was gonna break up with me but I told him if he did, this would be it & we wouldn’t get back together. So instead he said he needed time & we decided to take a break. We’re not officially broken up, were just taking a break, but would this No Contact rule work so things could get fixed between us? It’s only been 4 days and I’ve already realized how I messed up & im really hoping I get to fix this. He didn’t tell me how much time he needed, but how much time do you think he’ll actually need? Or do you think he’ll just use this time to realize he’s happier without me & decide he wants to break up? I’m so in love with him & I really want to fix this. It’s been 4 years. Maybe he’s just falling out of love? Before he used to be able to handle my little fights and little mood swings but lately he’s gotten really irritated by them. Or is it just that I’m the one that’s messing up & he’s giving me a reality check to realize I need to stop. Thank you.
Lisa Redfield says
Sophie,
Yes, in my opinion a little no contact will do you both some good. We can’t control things, and if this break will make him realize that he is happier without you, it’s going to happen whether you’re together or not. But a little break can help you both think about what went wrong and how to fix it (you’re already going through that as you described).
I don’t know how long it’s going to take him, but I’m sure it’s going to take the exact time he needs. I suggest you don’t try to get back with him or put any pressure on him. I would just stay in contact, without talking about feelings and the future and while trying to avoid destructive fear that can ruin this positive process.
Just hang in there, what needs to happen will happen anyway, we can’t control anything.
Good luck!
valya says
Does it work if you get dumped for the 2nd time ?
Lisa Redfield says
Valya,
It’s not guaranteed to work even on the first time. But it greatly improves the chance.
I haven’t published your previous question because it’s a bit too long. But I can tell you that (like you already know) you deserve a guy that’ll treat you better, and in my opinion the best move is to move on as soon as possible. This guy is not serious about you and has never been.
Love yourself enough to move on. Please.
Shelby says
So I met this boy about 2.5 years ago in high school, and we broke up a year ago when I was in college and he was still in high school. A month after breaking up we started seeing each other off and on almost every week but it was apparently just a “fwb” even though he obviously still had feelings for me. Over the past year he has admitted to having feelings for me, then all of a sudden walking away saying we will never work and leaving then a couple weeks later coming back and apologizing and telling me he misses me and I’m his best and closest friend and has even said he can’t imagine life without me. I did the 30 day no contact challenge last month after we got in a big fight and he ended up contacting me and we met and he promised he wouldn’t hurt me and asked for one more chance and stuff like that. But two weeks later he has already abandoned that idea and I haven’t heard from him in a week. I know that I tend to be annoying and I have apologized and stuff yet he just can’t seem to follow through with what he says. I love him a lot and honestly don’t want anyone else, but what should I do? Another no contact period or wait till he matures or what? I’m thinking it could be because he is a freshman in college and is scared of committing this early in life and I’m an older sophomore and I’m tired of all the back and forth. What do you think? Thanks for your help!
Lisa Redfield says
Shelby,
I think your intuition is right: He means what he says but fear of something is holding him back from acting accordingly.
You have to decide if you have patience for this or not, and make a decision. Don’t count on him changing. It’s either you change your expectations, or move on.
Belen says
Hi Brad,
I have been in the no contact since December 2. He broke up with me saying we are not growing after two years. I was hurt. You are right, he posted a pictures of him out on a date with woman on Facebook. He never posted pictures of us when we were dating. Like you said, he’s doing it to get a rise and shes a rebound. He befriended me on Facebook after the breakup. I happened to look. I’m healing and following through with no contact. I love him and hope this works. He’s stubborn guy.
Belen
Brownie says
I met my boyfriend in my final year at the university , we’ve been together for 7 years but the relationship went on and off and I have had to deal with my boyfriend sneaking with another lady a couple of times and most times he will say that he knows I’m a liar whenever I tell him I’m loyal to him , that i’m too pretty to be dating just him and he knows I will definately have some other one or two guys somewhere and pretending it just him I’m loyal to but this is a lie, I have never slept with any other man in 7 years, i’m not the double dater, i don’t know how to do double at a time, evetything was fine until just some days ago when i asked him over the phone if he could stand as my guarantor to get a loan for my business and the next thing he said was “why are you asking me if I can stand as your guarantor when you have a lot other guys who can do that for you and I got really mad and told him I can’t believe this has to always repeat itself when I’ve been 100 percent loyal to him in the past years and I cut the call cause I was pissed and he didn’t call back at all, sent him a message that I was angry at the moment I cut the call and we really need to talk some things out one last time but he didn’t reply and hasn’t been picking my call , I also think my boyfriend is a commitment phobe because we’ve been planning our marriage but he’s been going on and off and looking for ways to scatter our relationship … I don’t know what to do, maybe I should start with the no contact rule and stop trying to get across to him
Lisa Redfield says
Brownie,
I’m sorry you’re going through this. In my personal opinion, a guy that keeps blaming his girl for cheating is a guy that probably cheats himself. It has to do with the guilt feelings he has, he’s trying to “throw” them on you.
I think your instincts are right, the 60-day rule may be exactly what you need right now.
Hang in there, everything happens for the best.
Brownie says
Thanks Lisa, I’ll stick to that for now and make no contact , I love him too much and it’s breaking me . I guess for now I should just try my best and forget about him. Sometimes I wish I wouldve just cheated on him really ..It wouldn’t be so painful if he accused me of something I was really doing .
Brownie says
Thank you Lisa …I think I’ll do that , I’ll just not call him and try to avoid anything that can keep me in contact. Sometimes the people we love so much arent just worth it and it takes a lot of courage to accept that fact. , i guess it’s best for me to be alone and get use to it.
Loyal says
OMG! I am in almost in the same situation I been loyal to my male lover for 9 years. He has hurt me so many times going on group trips with a chic saying they’re only friends. I know she wants more BC she buys his friendship. She post pics on social media of places they went I hear this from ppl and family I do not go on social media. Then he sends me pics of him hugged up with other girls. All I did was call him out on his actions and I get all of this.,He really hurt me I am now almost 30 days of no contact I refuse to contact him!
Amanda says
So my ex and I have been broken up for 7 weeks. Basically I asked for a break, made him mad, and we were still talking/arguing. But a few days ago he started dating someone else. And we’ve been together for 3 years..
Think he’s still gonna miss me if I do this?
Lisa Redfield says
Amanda,
I think that your instincts are right. If he is busy with someone else, he will have less time to miss you (which is the point in the no-contact rule).
BUT, that only applies if this other girl and him have a real chemistry. If not, dating her will actually make him miss the real thing (you) much more.
It’s risky, and can go both ways.
goddess0130 says
Does the 60 day no contact rule work with friends with benefit situations also. I had a fwb that stopped talking to me and got a girlfriend, but I wanted more. Is there a chance or should I just move on?
Lisa Redfield says
I think that it does apply, yes, but if he has a girlfriend now, chances are pretty slim. But, you never know what tomorrow brings. In any case, use this time to move on and focus on yourself.
Esther says
Me and my ex were together for two years. He received a higher paying job offer in PA (we’re in CA) so he moved over there. We continued talking but he started dating a new girl. After only three or four months he told me he got engaged. I have said everything I need to say to him. Our relationship had started worsening as we began arguing a lot etc. We have not spoken for about four weeks. He told me that he has moved on and I should just not talk to him any more. We always agreed once one of us got married we would stop talking.
BTW the whole thing seemed suspicious to me so I said I hoped she weren’t a rebound. He is known for having rebound relationships in the past. But he insisted, no, she’s the real deal.
I was thinking of doing NC for a few months. I am not sure how effective it would be since he is getting married though. People told me to just move on and not contact him. Even in the future. What do you think?
Lisa Redfield says
Esther,
I think that if he is really getting married (if he isn’t you’ll find out somehow) that I agree with the “people” – Try to move on and not contact at him at all. It’s probably the best thing for you anyway.
Hang in there, everything will be just the way it should be.
Esther says
So actually, just a few days after you wrote this response. I spoke with the ex. It turned out that his engagement failed, as I predicted. I knew a few people like that. She ended up not wanting to do it. Regardless I decided it was my turn to throw him off and went NC anyway.
Nicole says
I’m currently in a situation where my ‘ex’ left me because he’s what I’ll basically label as depressed. He Can’t do our relationship anymore because he needs to figure out himself and get his life on track. He told me he wants to be friends as he very much enjoys my company, cares for me, and will miss me but due to his mental state seems to feel he can’t be good enough to me right now. He was very clear that i did nothing wrong. That he can’t love anyone when he doesn’t love himself. And if it’s meant to be it will work out. It’s devistating… To hear the person you’re in love with is so broken you can’t help them and they won’t let you. Does this rule still apply? I don’t want him to think I’m abandoning him. I told him if this is what he needs, space, I can do it. He said he just wants me happy and if i end up with someone else he would be upset but happy I’m happy. I told him I’m not going anywhere. i would do anything to have him healthy and back. We have only spoke once since the break up. He reached out to me after he was notified I had been in an accident (I’m OK) asked if i was ok. Told me he was glad i was alright and offered me a ride when I had to drop off my poor totalled vehicle. We made small talk when he picked me up and i left him with ‘Let me know if you want to hang out. See You later’. Is waiting for him to make contact the best way to support him?
Lisa Redfield says
Nicole,
I think that no one can help anyone else without them wanting to. Depressed people can’t be helped, they have to want to help themselves. Not talking to him or initiating contact does not mean you abandon him and he won’t think that because it’s exactly what he said he needed right now.
I think you did the right things and dealt with this very well.
I’m glad you didn’t beg and plead, which is the most common mistake made.
I think that you should give him his space and time. He knows how to reach you and where you are and I think he is right – If it was meant to be it WILL be – No matter the circumstances.
Things take time in life. It’s just the way it is. But I wouldn’t sit and wait for him. No way. You have to go on with your life and move on.
Hang in there, everything happens for a reason – And for good reasons.
penelope says
same situation for me, but I made the mistake of pleading and pushing him further away. what should I do now? advice please 🙁
Allie says
Hey Nicole. Your story and mine are almost identical which is cool because you saved me from having to write it out. Mind if I ask how things are going and how the no contact rule is working for you? I’m only on day 6. His birthday is in a month which will be tough. I didn’t give or receive a ‘merry xmas’ text which was extremely sad to me (both aspects). Hanging in there but this is HARD! I have hope that it works out but I think that is a little bit unrealistic at this point. Some days, I feel everything and some days I feel nothing. He and I share a lot of friends and I have hung out with them and I feel like I’m taking his friends away from them. I’m not, but it’s super weird to hang out with people who once knew me as half of a pair. Now I’m just me. I know it’ll get easier “eventually” but I’m just so tired of being sad.
maria says
he came back or not. did it worked or not. tell me pls
Morgan says
what should I do on his birthday if it lands during the no contact period? Do I even wish him a happy birthday? I feel like I would be a jerk if I didn’t, but I don’t want to break the no contact. Help!
Lisa Redfield says
Morgan,
You can text him a nice “happy birthday” and that’s it. It’s polite, and if he tries to start a conversation reply politely and say that you’re in the middle of something and wish him a great day.
Meg says
What are your suggestions when you work directly with your ex? Can the 60 day no contact period be revamped when you have to have some type of work related daily contact? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Lisa Redfield says
Meg,
It’s a bit difficult to do this when you see your ex and work with him every day.
The best way to do this is to stay polite and if you have to talk, only talk about necessary things and nothing personal.
Show him that you are happy and that you have moved on. Even if you haven’t, just “faking it” will help you get there for real.
Good luck!