I’ve spent almost a year emotionally invested in a guy.
Every day I hoped that it would lead to a real, lasting relationship.
Unfortunately, I ignored every red flag and over-analyzed every one of his texts, calls, and gestures.
I played up situations in my mind, assuming he was on the same page, only to wake up one morning and realize:
I was infatuated and head over heels in love with an emotionally unavailable guy.
The trouble with emotionally unavailable men is that they are super-attractive, aren’t they?
They’re the perfect combination between a good guy and a “bad” guy, and they show just enough of their personality to attract most women.
Overview
- Is He Just Not That Into You?
- 10 Signs You Are Dating an Emotionally Unavailable Guy
- 1. He SAID It
- 2. He is Too Flattering
- 3. He Tries to Run When Things Get Series
- 4. You Are His Main Priority
- 5. His Words Don’t Match His Actions
- 6. He is Giving You Mixed Messages
- 👉7. This is His First Relationship
- 8. Early Seduction
- 9. He Hides the Relationship From Friends
- 10. He Talks About His Ex-Girlfriend
- How to Get an Emotionally Unavailable Man to Chase You
Is He Just Not That Into You?
You know you have that special chemistry you’ve been waiting for your whole life. You have so much fun together. He understands you so well that he can complete your sentences.
But when you are looking for signs that he feels the same about you, that he wants to take your relationship to the next level – you can’t find them.
When that happens – it feels like waking up to an ice-water bucket splashed on your face.
The most common signs that your guy is emotionally unavailable (and what to do about it) are:
1. He SAID It
Make no mistake. If a man specifically tells that he is NOT interested in a relationship – he means it.
This is the biggest red flag of an unavailable guy.
Guys usually avoid playing games (as opposed to women).
No matter how amazing he says you are, if you try to “label” your connection as a relationship he will remind you what he said when you started dating.
2. He is Too Flattering
Men who are “too flattering”, too revealing, and too open may not be what they seem.
They are like snake charmers. They are often experienced with women and tend to give them what they want to get. At first.
But they prefer the chase to the catch and once they know you’re hooked – they vanish. At least emotionally.
👉 Read: why men pull away after intimacy
3. He Tries to Run When Things Get Series
He loved chasing you.
He went out of his way to make you go out with him, but when he feels he “had you”, he pulls away and disappears, at least for a week or two.
Again, a big red flag. Some guys just live for the chase and have no interest in an emotional connection with anyone (at least for now).
👉 Read: 12 ways to know if he is serious about you
4. You Are His Main Priority
Just like a woman, a man in love will prefer spending time with you more than anything else in his life.
He will rush over to see you the minute he has some spare time. If he is not so much into you, he will prefer being with his friends, family, or work.
Is his best friend a female? Read: My boyfriend’s best friend is a girl – how to handle jealousy?
5. His Words Don’t Match His Actions
He says “I love you” all the time.
He compliments you often. He says he wants to be your best friend and be there for you, but when you need him -he’s simply not there.
His excuses are great and convincing, but the bottom line is – his words don’t match his actions.
👉 Read: the Undeniable Signs He Doesn’t Love You
6. He is Giving You Mixed Messages
When a guy gives you mixed messages, don’t ignore it.
He may surprise you with a romantic date and then cancel on you several times in the next week. He hates planning, and talking about the future terrifies him.
Generally, when you can’t make plans with a man, and his actions are not consistent, take notice.
He hasn’t decided what he wants from you, himself, and his life – yet.
👉 Read: 7 signs your boyfriend doesn’t love you (and what to do)
👉7. This is His First Relationship
This doesn’t apply, of course, to 25-year-old guys.
But if you are dating a 35-year-old “boy” and he hasn’t had a single long-term relationship yet, he may be emotionally unavailable (but this doesn’t say that he never will).
8. Early Seduction
Be aware of guys who send sexual cues too early.
“Seducers” do not believe they’re enough to keep a partner. Once the relationship gets real, they’ll sabotage it. Seduction is a power play and is all about conquest.
9. He Hides the Relationship From Friends
If your boyfriend won’t tell his friends and family about your relationship, it’s a big red flag.
A guy who’s open to a new relationship and commitment will have no problem “changing his status”, whether online or offline.
10. He Talks About His Ex-Girlfriend
Look:
If your guy constantly talks about his ex and has any kind of anger, animosity, or sadness about her, he is not fully over her. Worse yet, he may still be in love with her.
How to Get an Emotionally Unavailable Man to Chase You
I know most people will tell you NO.
You can’t make an emotionally unavailable guy – just run away and don’t look back.
But my personal experience has proved this to be wrong.
I believe that emotionally unavailable guys do not exist.
There’s no such thing as an emotionally unavailable guy.
Either he is not that into you, or you haven’t been able to breakdown his emotional defenses.
None of this is your fault. Nothing you did or said was wrong. It just takes some specific knowledge about how to capture a man’s heart (especially the emotionally unavailable heart).
I learned a lot from this ebook, and I think you will too.
I believe that when people have a chance to think about the root cause if their unavailability, they can definitely come back. That’s why I would try the 90 or 60-day no-contact plan to give them a chance to figure out what is holding them back from developing romantic and a real, long-term connection that goes beyond basic attraction.
What’s your conclusion? Have you fallen for an emotionally unavailable guy?
Rooting for ya,
Lisa
Anna says
Lisa,
I met my boyfriend while he was working abroad, his visa expired and he had to move back to his country, on the opposite side of the world. After only being together for 4 months, I chased love. We did long distance for 5 months, and then I moved abroad for him. Things were great but moved really fast, we went from 0 to 100 – after being apart and barely dating we moved in together. He was head over heels for me and was the one who wanted the relationship first, said I love you first, and insisted on trying this out. I love him with all my heart, but I sense lately that he’s just not in it anymore. I currently don’t have a job, and haven’t had one for a month. All I have is free time to overthink my situation. He is my only support system here and I sense that he feels I’m too dependant on him. We had talked about the future, marriage/kids. He is 24 years old and is a very big dreamer. He always is talking about travelling the world, building tiny homes, living in vans. I had said to him in an argument “i feel that if you could go do you for 10 years and come find me when you’re ready to settle down, you would” and he was silent for what felt like 10 minutes. It spoke 1000 words and I can’t stop thinking about it. He said he wants to have it all – he wants to do him but have me and be able to travel and have new experiences. It’s hard thinking someone is so sure about you and one second later, nothing is secure. I said to him that I don’t take it lightly when he talks about marriage and kids. Ever since this argument he hasn’t spoke of our future together. I know he has a lot of growing up to do. He says he’s in love with me and that he wouldn’t be with me if he wasn’t, but it doesn’t seem like he does much to show it. We don’t go on dates and he always uses money as the reason. I don’t know if it’s my loneliness, my feelings of having no purpose as I’m unemployed and don’t know anyone, but every time we’re together I am not really there because I’m in my head over analyzing everything that he does. I feel like I’ve sacrificed a lot for him and I’m not getting what I deserve. I want to be with him and know how great of a boyfriend he can be but I also am miserable without my friends and family. I’m wanting to wait until I get settled, find a job (and meet people through work) to see if it makes things better. I’m not sure if it’s just because all my energy goes towards him that I expect the same in return, but he has all his life here already. Am I blowing this out of proportion?
Lisa Redfield says
I think that like you said, this situation is mainly happening in your head, and is a result of your insecurity and over thinking. Once you are sure of yourself and of your worth, and find a sense or purpose, he will feel it and his attitude will change. Did he ever say that he wants to travel the world and build tiny houses WITHOUT YOU?
The only thing that’s causing a distance between you two is the story that you are telling yourself. And I can see that you are a smart woman because you are well aware of it.
Change the story – and the reality will change in front of your eyes.
Sarah Lund says
I’ll be THE best thing he ever loses. I know my worth. I also know I’m worth more. When I’m in a relationship, I give it my all. It must such to get dumped by me. Tough luck, they shouldn’t do what they do, and then maybe I would have wanted to stay. But don’t worry too much. I know there’s some good men left. It’s knowing where they are, that’s the hard part, but I’m sure we’ll find each other.