“First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage”, right? Or at least this is what you’ve been taught since you were a little girl.
In your mind you know something is not right. He is fully committed to you, he says he loves you and wants to be with you only. So why can’t he take your relationship to the next obvious level?
He doesn’t want to get married. Yet.
And at some point you can’t seem to think about anything else.
Overview
He Doesn’t Want to Get Married. WHY?
Does he actually love me like he says he does?
Is he waiting for a better option?
Am I giving my heart to someone who will eventually break it?
Am I doing something wrong?
Am I not GOOD enough?
Before You Know It, These Questions Start Destroying Your Relationship
I know, because I’ve been there, and it almost killed my relationship with the love of my life.
I was so in love. I knew this was the only man I’d ever want to be with and I was sure he felt the same way about me.
But when the marriage proposal didn’t come, I couldn’t help myself and asked him what’s going on. He told me he wasn’t ready for marriage yet.
He had many excuses – His career, not knowing what he wants to do with his life, fear of getting hurt and what not.
He asked me to wait. To stay with him because he loves me so much and “everything will be o.k.”.
I agreed and swore to myself to put it aside for a while.
But I couldn’t. The more I tried to stop thinking about it, the more I became completely obsessed with him not wanting to get married.
I analyzed our relationship to death, trying to figure out what could be missing for him. I analyzed myself to death, trying to figure out what’s missing in ME. It broke my heart and it broke my spirit.
I was convinced I’m just not good enough – For him or for anyone else.
It nearly broke us apart.
You’ll Be Surprised: This is What Makes Men Think They’re Not Ready for Marriage
#1 – Plain Old Fear
Men are conditioned (especially by the media) to believe that marriage means forever giving up on their freedom and committing to a monogamous life of hell on earth.
Believe it or not, men are constantly in fear over losing their freedom and not being able to be what they perceive as “real men”. They are terrified of being “whipped”.
You don’t have to see many movies or popular sitcoms to get why men are hardwired to see marriage as something to mourn over something to celebrate.
If you can get your man to understand that marrying you doesn’t mean he has to change himself for you or letting go of the thing he loves – He will come around and be ecstatic about creating a life with you.
#2 – He Questions Your Loyalty
He won’t necessarily admit it, but your man needs your complete loyalty. I’m not only referring to sexual loyalty. He needs your back. For example, “defending” him from his future in-laws.
Another example is discretion. He needs to know you will never reveal his vulnerabilities in public, or tell his secrets to anyone else – Even your best girlfriend.
Even a slight mistake in this department can delay his marriage proposal in months, if not forever.
My friend T.W Jackson refers to this as “changing his heart light from green to yellow”. He is struggling inside to figure out his next step with you and if the trust can be rebuilt.
On a conscious level, he may not even realize that this is exactly why he is resisting the possibility of marriage.
It turned out that this was the case with my man. I revealed something embarrassing about him to my mother. He was outraged, but seemed to forget all about it pretty fast.
But he didn’t. He didn’t even realize it yet, but he was questioning my loyalty for him.
And we did.
A few months later he wrote a best selling e-book about it, which I whole heartedly recommend, especially if you want to get married but your man doesn’t.
I’m not saying you should buy it. Don’t. Just watch his free presentation. You’ll finally find out the real reason why your guy doesn’t want to marry you (and what to do about it!)
Rooting for ya,
Lisa
What do you think? Can you get your guy to want to marry you?
Amanda says
After my boyfriend and I reached a little over 4 years together we started talking about our future, our wedding, what we wanted and didn’t want. After 5 years in our relationship, he told me he didn’t want to marry me because marriage ruins relationships. I have given him everything, I have dreamed of the day I would get to marry him, and looked forward to it, and now he doesn’t want to get married. To say this broke my heart is such an understatement. It did more than that, It literally crushed me. He doesn’t want anything to change, but that is fine for him, I do everything to take care of him and make him happy. I have been his helpmate for years because I wanted to prepare myself for being the best wife I could be for him, and now he is afraid if we get married I will change. I feel like I screwed myself out of being happy. I love this man with all of my heart, and he is happy where things are, but I am not. I don’t know how to be ok with this. I want more. I don’t want to be his girlfriend for life. I want the joy of being his wife. I have tried to forget about what I want, or feel like I am having to sacrifice my happiness because he is happy. I don’t feel like there is anything to look forward to anymore. We have been together for over 6 years now, and the longer it goes on, the more pain my heart feels, the more worthless and not good enough I feel, the more depressed I feel, the more of a failure I feel. Someone told me that I should walk away and let him see how much he truly wants me, but I don’t want a proposal or marriage out of fear or an ultimatum, I want it because he loves me and wants me as much as I want him. I am ready to marry this man, so how could I ever fathom the thought of walking away from the love of my life? But does that mean I have to sacrifice my dreams and my desires just because he dictates it? I don’t know what to do. This is driving me crazy and I am afraid the longer I hurt because of it, the more damage it causes in our relationship, Why am I not enough? Why doesn’t he want me like that? He says he is committed to me and that is all I need to know, but it’s not enough for me.
Vera says
This is exactly the situation I’m in. We’ve been together almost 4 years and have a child together. But I feel like I’m always the one mentioning marriage. I wish he would see things the way I do. I also feel like marriage is the final stage in a relationship and if you love me, that should be the next step. I don’t want to issue an ultimatum either or feel like he’s marrying me because I’m complaining but I feel like he’s too complacent and that is what will end up happening. Ugh. I don’t know what the right answer is. Every time we talk about it, I end up getting upset and then nothing gets resolved. Maybe he isn’t the one. I don’t even know anymore but it’s really bothering me and it’s all I think about.
Christy says
Why does your life’s happiness have to be up to your bf? I don’t get it. It’s your life too, you are half of the relationship, why does it all have to be up to him? Why does he get to be the one to choose? My bf is doing the same thing. Except he is joking around with his friends and family that he doesn’t want to get married to me and telling me in private that he does but we just have a few things to figure out first. Words hurt. They cut like a knife. He says it’s just “talk” with those people. And you hit the nail on the head, not making that commitment makes a woman feel more worthless and less lovable every day it continues down the path it is on. I’m sorry. We are worth more than that. I love you.
Paul says
Actually. I don’t have any of these reasons. I’m more afraid i’ll get divorced later, and pay child support. i’m litterally putting my life in her hands. and I don’t trust any human being with that kind of power.
Lisa Redfield says
Paul,
I understand. But, is it really worth it not to trust anyone? Maybe you not trusting is “transmitted” to the person you’re in a relationship – who then follows your expectation?
Maybe.