Look, I get it:
Your boyfriend’s best friend is a female, he likes her, and it bothers you.
She has boobs. A soft voice. He likes talking to her and spends time with her.
Odds are she was in his life before you came. And she knows all about him just like you do (maybe even more).
It sucks.
How do you know she’s not out to get your boyfriend?
What can you do – without damaging your relationship?
Here’s the good news:
In this post, you’ll find my 5 best tips for dealing with your boyfriend having a female BFF – without anger, jealousy and ultimatums.
But I have to warn you:
My tips are a bit controversial.
I won’t advise you to “put boundaries”. I won’t advise you to tell him how you feel about their relationship.
I won’t advise you to do anything that’ll make him feel imprisoned and controlled – because I don’t want him to run away from you gasping for air.
I want you two to live happily ever after – together.
Agreed?
Let’s go.
Overview
What to Do When Your Boyfriend’s Best Friend is a Female
First, here’s the most important thing I want to convey to you:
The #1 reason for men (or women!) to pull away from a relationship, is feeling a lack of freedom.
Every human being that feels imprisoned, caged or trapped – will eventually want to ESCAPE.
Any man that feels like his partner is trying to change him, to change the circumstances of his life, to change the way he does anything – can’t help but feel controlled and chained.
And that’s an awful feeling.
It’s the exact opposite of unconditional love.
It makes him feel untrusted.
And:
He won’t be able to handle it for long, trust me.
Here’s exactly what to do to prevent that:
1. Do Not Show Him Your Jealousy
I know it’s the hardest thing ever, but you have to do it, even if you are jealous out of your mind.
Why?
Because showing him you are jealous about any other relationship he has, proves to him that you don’t trust him.
More importantly, it shows him that you don’t believe YOU are the one he chose.
And most importantly, it shows him you don’t think much of yourself. That you are insecure. That you don’t believe in yourself.
And that’s the ultimate attraction destroyer.
If YOU don’t know your self-worth, how is HE supposed to know?
Throwing jealousy fits is pushing him away from you, probably to the arms of any other girl.
He’ll do anything to be able to breathe again.
👉 I recommend that you watch this video to learn how to make him obsessed with you and forget all others.
2. Don’t Make Assumptions
Don’t make assumptions about his relationship with her, and about her plans for him.
Remember the law of attraction?
What you focus on – grows bigger.
You attract the things you resist and are afraid of – into your life.
Even if they text all day, and even if he hangs out with her a lot – do not assume that he is attracted to her.
Do not assume that he complains about you when you fight.
Do not assume she wants to sabotage your relationship.
Assume this instead:
1. I’m probably going to like all the things he likes about her too. She is probably a nice person – maybe we can be friends too?
2. It’s so good he can have a female perspective when we have a problem, or when he misunderstands me.
3. He chose me. He is in love with ME. I believe it with all my heart.
4. He is worthy of my trust. He has been there for me when I needed him. He has helped me in so many ways.
5. I love him just the way he is. I don’t need to change anything about him.
Doesn’t that feel better?
Assume THAT, instead of what you’ve assumed before.
3. Regain Your Confidence
Once you’re able to calm yourself down a bit, it’s time for some positive affirmations.
Why?
Because if you fear “the competition” (which she isn’t, by the way) – it means that you forgot your self-worth. You forgot who you really are, and you forgot why he fell in love with YOU.
Once you regain your confidence, it’ll change your entire behavior and it will change what you “transmit” to your boyfriend.
You don’t want to send him a message saying:
I’m not worthy of you. I have to fight for my place. You like her better than me. I need you to prove your love to me constantly
You want to send him a message:
I know my worth. I love my self. I’m confident. I know there’s no one else like me. I trust you and believe that you love me with all your heart
Believing in these last statements will remind him, daily, that his girlfriend is a confident, trusting woman that loves him and trusts him and everything he does.
There’s nothing more attractive than that.
👉 Use some of these most fun & romantic couple games to play at home alone – to keep his attention on YOU!
4. Don’t Ignore Her or Be Mean To Her
Your first instinct, the defensive instinct, may be to avoid her and ignore her entire existence.
Or:
You may want to be mean to her to “show her who she’s dealing with”.
That’s a huge mistake.
It will make her defensive as well and may make her say some negative stuff about you. When pushed to a corner, she will fight back.
You don’t want to start a war.
Instead, try to get to know her. Hang out with the two of them and show an interest in their friendship.
Again, this will help you remember your worth, and both your boyfriend and she will know they have nothing to hide in front of you.
Don’t try to make your boyfriend stop liking her.
The more you try, the more he will like her. No one likes to be told how to feel.
5. Boyfriend Female Best Friend Boundaries
This tip goes against any other advice you’ll read anywhere else:
Don’t set boundaries.
Boundaries are useless.
They are fake.
Here’s why:
If your boyfriend wants to spend most of his time with his BFF instead of you – boundaries won’t help.
People put boundaries so they can safely ignore what’s really going on.
Let’s say he agrees to not see her more than he sees you.
Does it mean that he doesn’t WANT to see her as much as he did before?
No.
It means that he is doing it for YOU.
But deep inside he still wants to see her just as much as before. Only now he resents you for not doing what he wants.
So, what can you do if they like to do sleepovers and text all day?
Boundaries, in this case, are ridiculous.
You have to open your eyes and see what’s really going on.
This may be a sign that he doesn’t love you anymore, or cheating, or losing interest in your relationship.
Wouldn’t you rather face the truth than push it under the carpet using boundaries?
Should You Be Worried About Your Boyfriend’s Female Friend?
If your gut tells you there’s something not right going on here, or if you notice him hiding his relationship with her, or flirting with her publicly – listen to your inner voice.
If you see signs that your boyfriend prefers her company to yours, or that they are too close – don’t ignore it.
Make the right decision for YOU, from a calm and relaxed place – not when you are angry and crazy jealous.
I hope you found this post helpful and as always, I’m looking forward to your comments, your stories, and your questions. I try to answer everyone.
Rooting for ya,
Lisa
laisha says
hello! i ve been dating my bf for 9 months now. he treats me right loves me etc. He has a lot of female friends and i dont mind. however, he has that one friend whom i dont like at all. she doesnt like me either. He says im way better than her, which i believe but they go out for coffee together often or study together and it kind of bothers me. I just feel jealous of the time he spends with her (not her specifically) when she isnt that interesting to be honest. They have known each other for 2 years and go to the same college so they see each other often everyday.
Eva says
Hi, have to say I already broke some of your tips .. maybe all of them. Not proud. Cause it completely makes sense … the jealousy scenes, making assumptions, setting boundaries … it doesn’t help anything, only makes it worse.
But it has been very hard considering my boyfriend’s “a very good friend” is his ex-wife! Yes, they have a child together and I understand there needs to be some contact there. But the problem is they have lunches, dinners, and coffee together on weekly basis – often just the two of them … and not necessarily to discuss their daughter. He is always very secretive about their meetings, doesn’t tell me about seeing her, and if I ask, he ignores me or tells me I don’t need to know everything …. he is very protective of her. And that makes it very suspicious and causes me a lot of pain.
We talked about it many times but it never helped or changed anything.
I tried to befriend her, but … there is just no chemistry there. We really don’t have much in common. And to be honest, I don’t understand what he sees in her.
And of course … there are my own low confidence and self-worth issues I need to solve … Yes, I am aware of them.
Besides this, he is the nicest guy I ever dated. We have been together for almost 2 years. We talk about everything. Have lots of fun together. He says I am the one he loves and wants to be with. He gets along great with my son too.
Well, I said boyfriend, but we actually broke up a few days ago because of this issue. We still talk and text each other every day. We love and miss each other. Maybe want to get back together again. But the relationship with his ex-wife is something he is not willing to change and I am afraid it will be THE issue all over again. I hate all the secrecy surrounding it.
My dilemma is
… we get back together and solve this problem – but HOW???
… or is it just not worth it anymore?… this will sooner or later come up again as a big problem and in the end, I will be the one who gets hurt and will be disappointed the most … because he chose her.
He just says I am jealous. I say he still has unsolved issues with her, some sort of weird connection to her (not talking about their daughter of course, … besides her).
What now? Pls help. Thank you. 🙂
Angel says
See. if your boyfriend loved her ex- wife, then they didn’t needed to divorce…. Right?? They have divorced bcoz they have issues.. And remember, she was her past… but you are his present and even future… So, don’t worry.. just trust him.. because he is with you… he is into you.. and he loves you…
Magnolia says
Hi Lisa,
Your advice is really good.
I am in a situation now where my partner has girl best friends. we are dating for 1 year and have these issues. I feel like he validates her opinion more than mine and when I try to talk about it he’s being too defensive about it especially when I say the name of the girl and that I told him that doesn’t make me feel better. i didn’t demand anything like doesn’t go see her. but I did say that i don’t want them to be just in the house with just the two of them. cause atm im trying to help myself out and i need time for me to get rid of this feeling. cause i hate feeling this way its making me confused as well. my heart is so heavy. I make the effort of respecting their relationship but i didn’t feel the same way before. and whenever we go out with his friends most of the time he’s beside her and im just in the corner and it doesn’t feel good. she has a boyfriend and all. Lisa, I’m so hopeless i know he loves me and i trust him but i just feel so down and i feel like he doesn’t understand me. please enlighten me as im so confused atm. Thank you so much
Ashlyn says
Hi,
So Iv been dating my bf for a year and a half.
I only assume this girl he snap chats every day is one of his best friends. They used to have a two-year Snapchat streak. That really bothered me.
I talked to him about it and asked him how he would feel if I talked/messaged a guy every day. He told me that it would make the home feel uncomfortable. So he backed off a bit and still talks/messages her several times throughout the week.
They have known each other since high school. She lives 2 hours away.
But I am so bugged by it. The only reason I would ever continue to message a guy like that is if I was interested in him.
I start questioning our relationship and doubts start to pop up.
Part of me wants to meet her. But then let of me doesn’t.
I really like your advice. But I am SO JEALOUS! It is insane!
Anna says
Hello Lisa, I’ve been with my partner for 5 months now and he met his best friend after we started dating and she is a very nice girl, a friend of mine in fact and they are awfully close. Though the girl never does anything inappropriate, my boyfriend sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable unintentionally like he once said ‘ if I met her before you I’d date her ‘ ‘ we have so much in common ‘ … He even calls her sweet names like darling or baby (which he says is to annoy her, but he refers to her the same while talking to me too) and he talks to her every day, ends the call with me if she would call. He also mentions her a lot in our conversations and says stuff like ‘she’s the only one who has the right to be mad at me (I’m not sure if he was trying to joke and tease me). He is a sweet guy who treats me nice but at the same time, he treats her better. I’ve been told that it’s probably because he already impressed you and some people stop putting as much effort as they used to put in the relationship. He chose me and I was never jealous or suspicious until he said he would have dated her if he met her before. I don’t know what to do? I feel like I’m a burden and won’t make him happy as she does.
Mev says
If you feel like that right now you will feel like that for the rest of the relationship, I promise you.
Anna says
I just wanted to say thank you so much for this article, I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years and he has been best friends with this girl for about 9, I know there is nothing between them, so I’m not jealous but seeing how well they get on together makes me feel this huge sadness that maybe I’m not the right fit for him or will never make him as happy as he might be with her or someone like her. Sometimes these feelings of being inadequate are so heavy I just want to cut off the relationship because I can’t bear them and it’s not his fault. Reading your self-worth and positive messages advice genuinely helped in a little way almost instantly and I’ll try building these into my life and see how I go. Thank you so much again x
Ari says
Hi Lisa,
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 7 months now. He is the most amazing guy I’ve ever met, treats me right, and I can tell that he truly cares about me. I trust him completely, he’s a very honest person I feel that he’d never lie to me. But his best friend is a girl and they are very very close. Over the summer she lived at his house for two months, and I almost went insane. She would “third-wheel” us all the time and even though I got to know their friendship a little bit better and it seems completely platonic, I sometimes have these awful doubts that it’s not and that something will happen between them someday. It’s totally illogical to feel this way, this girl has never been anything but nice to me and she has even helped our relationship a few times. And she’s not even around right now because she goes to school in Europe, my boyfriend won’t see her again for another 8 months at least. But they still talk every day and I still feel her presence, it makes me so insecure about our relationship and I wish it didn’t because I love everything about my boyfriend and our relationship and I wish something as stupid as this wouldn’t affect me. Please help.
Lisa Redfield says
If you manage to talk to your boyfriend honestly and tell him how you feel – without accusations – it would be interesting to know what he thinks. Maybe he’ll be able to tell you some things that will help you get peace of mind.
Kara Stenson says
I’m dating a new guy, 3 months now. Honestly, he is the sweetest guy I’ve ever been with. (I don’t have good taste in men previous to this) we are both in recovery from alcohol I have 11 months and he has 17 months. Anyways, we work together at a bar. Another girl, his “best friend” works with us too. She and I have become close. I know they had sex 2 years ago supposedly before her most recent long-term relationship. Which just ended. She is very flirtatious and always initiated the flirting but he does feed into it. In front of me and the whole bar we work at. She knows we are together and we talk about him together and she always seems to have my back. However, my gut instinct tells me that what they do is wrong. The public flirting. And whatever else. I try not to let it bother me because I really firmly believe he wouldn’t cheat. HOWEVER. He and I are exclusive and everyone we know knows we are together but we haven’t established that we are boyfriend and girlfriend yet. Idk what the fuck is going on.
Lisa Redfield says
I would take comfort in the fact that it is done in front of you and not behind your back. I think they are both using this to boost their self esteem. If you trust him can keep trusting him, I’m sure he won’t let you down. After all, he chose you. I would focus on that.
Shaning says
My boyfriend’s best friend is a girl, but she is in a relationship so I thought it wouldn’t bother me so much until I realized she is really attractive. I can’t help but feeling crazy jealous because Im afraid he thinks she is more attractive than me. How do boost my confidence? Like, I just keel comparing myself to her and it’s driving me nuts 🙁
Lisa Redfield says
I think that it would be comforting for you to remind yourself that there are many women out there, that may be more attractive than you. And many women less attractive than you as well. Even if he thinks that she is more attractive (physically) than you – that doesn’t mean that he loves her, or has romantic feelings for her. Don’t you know any guy that looks better than your boyfriend? I’m sure you do, but you are not in love with that other guy, you are in love with your boyfriend. Your relationship, I hope, is not based on appearance only. And if you discover it does, it’s not a relationship that can last or is worth having.
Ella says
Hi! So my boyfriend had a thing for this girl before i came along, and he used to try really hard for her. She was in a relationship with another girl however and paid no mind but they got into a situation where they had to fake they were dating because she didn’t want people to know she had a girlfriend. My boyfriend got tired of not getting anywhere with her cause she showed no interest in him. As a result, my boyfriend and i got closer and eventually started dating. However, after about a year and a very unfortunate event where my boyfriend thought i was cheating on him with an online friend, he blew me off. He came back after a few days and said we’d start over but he was going to monitor what i do. He was very harsh during that time, and i told him some things weren’t fair and he blew up on me and said we were done. He came back again saying he made a mistake by doing that, and we got back together. He wanted us to both be open about everything from here on out. He then told me how he started talking to that girl again when I and him were “broken up” and they are friends again. He told me he has no feelings for her, and they died a long time ago when she was just dragging him along with no reciprocation to his feelings. However, we went on a trip and he snapped her everything we did and said he had a little extra of something we bought and he was gonna give it to her. It rubbed me the wrong way because that trip was meant for just us, or so i thought. I told him i wasn’t comfortable with him talking to her about everything that was going on and he got defensive saying i shouldn’t be talking because im the one who “cheated.” We both ended up letting it go after talking it out. She asked him to go dress shopping with her so she can find something to wear for formal with her new girlfriend, and again, rubbed me the wrong way because he didn’t approve of me doing that with the guy i supposedly “cheated” on. They still snap quite a lot, when im not around mainly because he said he knows im not comfortable with it, and when he does it makes me feel like hes choosing her over me. He says that she’s his best friend, but he once told me that i was so i feel like im being replaced. I don’t want to do anything to make me seem controlling, but I need some advice. This has been killing me.
Lin says
Hi Lisa! I am just having a hard time thinking about this. My partner has a girl best friend who happened to be my cousin, but she is already married now and they have a baby. I know from the start that there was “them” before “us” but the fact that they keep on exchanging good morning/goodnight messages, short convo between working breaks, sharing what are their errands for the day, how was their day, even saying that she misses my partner and wishes to call him over the phone, those lines make me sick. There was also a time (a time when I still don’t have an uneasy feeling for them) when I accidentally opened their messenger conversation, it was fun at first but they had a topic about me. My cousin, his BFF, told him to buy me flowers but he answered “why should I? I haven’t given you flowers in the first place.” That time my nerves cracked and I was so depressed. I don’t like him giving him flowers cuz I prefer to choose economically wise stuff, but the point is that he has a baseline for giving me such – and that was my cousin who happened to be his BFF. That’s when it all started – I don’t even like myself sending messages to my cousin. All their gestures make me feel uncomfortable but I couldn’t make him stop conversing with my cousin. I do not know what to do. I even asked my partner about it but he said that he chose me, I am his partner and there is no competition. I just want to have a peaceful mind and feeling right now. Am I just overthinking?
Lisa Redfield says
I can understand your concern, but I also believe him when he says that he chose you and there’s no competition. I think that I would try to have an honest talk to your cousin instead of him. Tell her how you feel, without any accusations and from your heart, and ask her how she would feel if she were in your shoes.
Gabriela says
Hi to everyone reading this and to all of you gorgeous women who commented above. This article helped me so much and opened my eyes to the biggest problem of all. OUR OWN INSECURITIES! We need to love ourselves, deal with the demons in our heads, and put them to bed. Boys will always be boys at the end of the day, don’t think like us or care about the little things as much as we do. I guess what I’m trying to say is just take so time to understand yourself, love yourself, and become the woman you want to be and those problems will be resolved as a result of that. We are all equally powerful and amazing and we can all get there if we concentrate on ourselves and not the other woman. I honestly believe there always will be another woman in some shape or form but without those insecurities, she will never be an issue again. And if she is, then he wasn’t worth it in the first place. Send him back to where he came from! 🙂
Lisa Redfield says
I couldn’t agree more Gabriela thanks for sharing this with us!
Kay says
My boyfriend cheated on me and was with this other woman for over 1 year. His female best friend knew all about it, in fact the 3 of them use to hang out together. I forgave him, we have been together for 9 years so I cannot walk away just like that. I never knew about this woman best friend until recently. He is no longer with this other woman but he still hangs out with his woman bff. I want to tell him to stop being friends with her? What should I do?
Stephanie says
My boyfriend has a female friend he knew for about a month before he met. She always lets me know that she knew him before I met him. I’ve been with him for almost 3 and a half years now. He spends literally all of his time with me. He hadn’t hung out with her in six months and wanted to see how she was doing so he went over to her place last night. She only invited him because she is living with her roommate, one of their other friends (she’s bi), again. I’m worried about this main chick because she flirts with my man and it is obvious. It’s to the point that I don’t wanna be around her anymore so I don’t. My boyfriend said they were asking about me and want me to come with him next time he goes over there. To myself I’m thinking hell no I don’t wanna go over there why don’t you get that? He is so desperate to prove that their friendship is platonic. He has slept with her sister before we got together and that should be proof enough that he doesn’t want her. But it’s not. I know he doesn’t see her that way; I’m just not positive she doesn’t see him that way. I do tend to overthink and I get jealous easily. I just feel uncomfortable with my man wanting to hang out with another girl besides me period. I have no desire to hang out with any of my male friends I had before him. Because they all wanted more than a friendship and it was blatantly obvious. He can’t see that with her though. As far as he is concerned, if he isn’t attracted, then there’s nothing for me to be worried about. I can’t tell him this without an argument I don’t want to have, but attraction is not always physical. He says they are genuinely sweet geeky girls who don’t try to be anyone but themselves and being around them got him through some really dark periods in his life. I get that, but it is hurtful to me regardless. I’m supposed to be that for him now—not them. But I guess he feels indebted to their friendship because of what they did for him unknowingly. It really fucking bothers me and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m trying to be cool with it, but it’s been eating me up. I don’t believe guys should I have female friends when they are in a committed relationship with someone. It’s disrespectful and too risky. I don’t want to be friends with any dudes. Am I crazy for feeling this way?
Lala says
I am the same.
I feel like i am not normal fir not wanting any close male friend and not wanting my man to have a girl Bestfriend. It just brings so many problems that could have been avoided if the Bestfriend were from the same sex.
Vedika says
His friend doesn’t know that he is in a relationship. We aren’t open to everyone about our relationship. But our close frnds and families know about us. Except her . We are in a long distance relation since 5 years. I trust him very much but still the idea of her being an important girl makes me restless sometimes. he tells me when they hang out. I dont know how to get away from this feeling …I don’t really like the feeling at all
Ruchi says
Well I kind of have an issue I don’t know if it’s jealousy or if it’s really an issue.. so please help me out. My boyfriend has a girl best friend he met at his college 2 months ago. My boyfriend and I go to the same college. So on my birthday when I strictly prohibited my boyfriend to not drink to which he said yes babe and when I reminded him with love again not to drink his best friend told me “ don’t worry, I’ll handle him” but when I went into the kitchen she and her boyfriend made him drink a little and all of them hid this for almost 2- 3 days when another girl who came to the party told me. And the other issue took place when I just went through my boyfriend’s phone. I was just casually going through my boyfriend and his best friend’s chats and in that I found him flirting with her he was telling her“ I’m free today will you give me a kiss? That day you were saying a lot”(these chats were done on the day of my birthday) and she replied with a laughing emoticon“ Dumbo”. And then there were chats where she was telling him that how insecure is your girlfriend and they were talking about my personal stuff, the personal stuff I told my boyfriend (like my family issues, and how my dad had an affair). And then we had a fight and I told him to stop talking to her and he did, but then both of their faces looked dull, ( and he knows her only for 2 months) so I told him to talk again with her but to keep a distance, so now they don’t interact in College but text normally and recently I took my boyfriend’s phone to check without telling him and when he saw it he was a little bit pissed and tried to take the phone away from me and was telling me if you want to check, check in front of me. So please tell me the solution to this issue
Amanda says
Thanks for this post, I really liked the self-affirmation part that you included that helped me so much!
Sue Barnard says
My boyfriend of 21 years has had a new business partner for about a year now, this was someone he had already known for about 12 years. She is very hardworking and wants the business to prosper, which is good.
He has also developed a close friendship with her and has had a photo of them together on the front page of his mobile phone, which has made me feel uneasy. I feel very hurt over this but don’t know how to deal with it.
Any suggestions, please.
Langley says
Hey!
So my boyfriend and I have only been together almost 4 months and a few weeks ago he moved a few states away for work so we are now long distance. He actually lives closer to his best friend (of 10 years) so he traveled two hours to see her today because it’s been a long time since they’ve been able to hang out. That (though it is slightly weird to me), is fine. It’s the fact that on social media, he has cute selfies with her, but none with me. And he’s already explained that there will probably be new pictures together posted soon from this trip. It just makes me kind of jealous because we as females like being shown off and it just feels like he is showing off some other girl. It almost feels like he’s hiding me if that makes sense. Have we been together too short of time for this to even bother me? I mean, it’s 4 months vs 10 years. I can’t tell if I’m just being ridiculous or if it does seem like something to actually be bothered by. I’d love any thoughts and advise.
Lisa Redfield says
I think that you are just in the beginning of your relationship. I would give it a chance before I start with the insecurities…they’ll be plenty of time for that later… 🙂
Sarah says
This helped a lot. I’m a clingy girlfriend and it didn’t work out the first time because he was always hanging out with his girl best friend and I felt jealous and I kept assuming shit. And it ruined our relationship.
We tried again. Two years later and we made a contract with each other. And one of them was to respect the other party’s relationship with others no matter the sex. And I was having it hard because I’m no used to it. This definitely helped a lot.
Amy says
So I’ve been dating this guy for a while and he does everything for me. All around great, I was married and got divorced so when I say he’s great to me I mean it! The only issue I have with him is his best friend is a female that I know. She actually reached out to me and set us up because he was interested in me. It took me a bit to agree. My best friend is also a guy. The problem I have is that she’s married and is constantly texting/snapping my boyfriend. It’s a bit annoying to say the least. She doesn’t seem to understand boundaries. Truth be told I don’t believe they are “best friends”. I’ve known her for years and she dated a mutual friend for about 7/8years and I never once heard of my boyfriend at all let alone her call him her best friend. When her brother died my boyfriend wasn’t around then either. She apparently has been having marital issues of her own and I really believe they reconnected over it and she uses my boyfriend to make her husband jealous. She sends messages saying ‘ I love you ‘ or “ why haven’t you responded to me” it’s very childish. I do know for a fact she’s using him to make her husband jealous that’s been confirmed. I feel like it’s a very touchy subject when I bring up how inappropriate their relationship is. I really don’t appreciate her trying to talk about sexual things with him especially any of ours. I don’t want to have an argument with him but I really would like to ‘squash’ the inappropriate behavior on her end. I see her doing things to make me jealous which is even more annoying. I do trust him however I also do have trust issues that he knows about. He gets to her defense about her marriage problems friend or not their not his issues to be concerned with. He can listen and give advice but at the end of the day that’s her life. She is playing this poor pity me bit which being divorced I don’t believe in because she doesn’t have it THAT bad and she’s not the only one to go through marriage issues. She’s big on knowing everyone else’s business but very hush hush with her own. What suggestions would you have for something like this? My boyfriend has met my best friend and his girlfriend which in truth I have always backed away when my best friend would date someone I never wanted them to feel threatened and I’m actually very close with his girlfriend.
Lisa Redfield says
It seems to me that this is a temporary situation that’ll fade away once her marriage gets to a critical point (which it will). The more you stay completely indifferent to what she’s doing, the less fuel you are giving her to keep doing it. I would give it a little more time, just watching from the side, and see what happens next. Any type of resistance to this situation will make it worse. That’s my opinion. I hope it helps.
Sanu says
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 years and I trust him. Recently we had a fight and didn’t speak for 6 months. Meanwhile he started spending time with his office colleague. And I don’t know about this as we had no communication after the fight. He came to me after 6 months to console and he said he will never do this and never leave me again. When things began to select down I found some changes in his way. I got suspecious on his actions and asked him about his actions. He just lied to my face and I trusted his words. Later after 3 months he said he has been talking more to his best friend, spending more time with her, and confessed he lied me about her. I can’t bear this with him. I really don’t know whether I have to believe him or leave this matter as nothing happened. I tired to know about her and hang out with her but she is not interested. She wants to hang out only with my boyfriend and not with me. I feel insecure and his new relationship bothers me lot. I feel stressed
Angela says
This is a very hard subject I was with someone 12 and a half years In that time I dealt with his female best friend He knew her before me and always told me she is only a friend However he crossed the line so many times We never lived together and he was in another state He saw her all the time when he wasnt with me They went to the movies together and watched movies every Thursday at his house as that was her day They did gardening together, she did her laundry at his house
In the beginning it didnt bother me But then I asked him to spend more time with me he refused saying her feelings would be hurt He accused me of being insecure and jealous In the end I had enough and basically cut him off completely I wouldnt even speak to him and moved to Florida
Within 3 months she was gone He begged me repeatedly to come back I never did What Im angry with now is with myself that I subjected myself to this abuse It was agony to be constantly exposed to this He asked me several times to marry him and I do believe he really loved me. I never understood their relationship 3 years on we talk every day , He tells me hes sorry all the time, but I WILL NEVER TAKE HIM BACK The damage he did to me as a person is huge My advice to anyone in this situation is dont let it go on for more than a year Put your foot down and say its me or her And if he fights you move on I regret that I wasted so much of my life with someone who couldn’t put me first until I was gone
Bre says
This reply is awesome! This is showing that you truly love yourself. That is emotional abuse what he was doing and we should never settle for less. Kudos to you. Our partners are supposed to cherish and honor us and vice versa. I have guy friends who I used to go out with and they still like me, I have a boyfriend now though, so out of respect for my boyfriend and my relationship, that was cut off. I still talk to my friends here and there, but my boyfriend will never be put in a place where he feels like he’s competing with someone. I’m not a jealous person, but to me, it’s a respect factor.
Tammy Pollard says
I disagree. It’s not okay for him to completely disregard her feelings about the way he interacts with this other woman. Her feelings of jealousy and inadequacy are valid. Advising someone to undermine their feelings is not healthy. There’s nothing wrong with having a friend of the opposite sex. However, if your partner is feeling disrespected, than there should be some consideration of this. This female friends is crossing the line and the guy is allowing it and actively participating. The poster’s feelings are completely valid. The guy and his female friend should respect the relationship. Advising the poster to ignore her feelings and look the other way is not helping the situation. If anything, internalizing these emotions can cause detrimental effects to the person overtime.
Tess says
My boyfriend recently told his close friend who is a woman that he needs some space in their friendship while he and I develop our relationship further. She sends him long emails about stuff she’s going through. They’ll text all day. They’ll get drinks without me. She is divorced, and single, and I feel like she sees him as her male companion. It was really making me feel disrespected and he is so oblivious to how this could hurt me. I was really appreciative when he told her he needed some space because I knew he was doing it to try to make me happy. Well, she blocked him on social media, even though they have been friends for 3 years. And now he is trying to get her to be friends again. It has totally confirmed what I thought all along that she is clearly very attached to him. I can’t imagine going to such extreme measures to block someone who was my friend who is just trying to focus on their relationship with their SO. She basically said, “I’m sorry you’ve chosen her over me.” And neither he nor I gave her this ultimatum. I feel like now I’m in a polyamorous relationship, where he is managing her emotions and mine, and we aren’t even getting the “space” that I really needed. I wanted her to take a step back and stop taking up his emotional energy and attention and he was willing to do that for me, but now it’s all a disaster.
Clary says
My boyfriend is a travel videographer and ever since I have known him, he has had a lot of feale friends in his life. Over the four years we have been dating, he has had multiple girl best friends (they come and go) and I had always voiced it to him. Early last year, he met a girl who works in the same field as him. She is attractive, successful and extremely like-able, and soon they became best friends. He admits that she is his “type” and that they have everything in common. I also notice that he eats up everything she says and does. I have talked to him about this and he said that even though she ticks all his boxes as the perfect partner, he is not attracted to her. Is it even possible for someone to be your type but you are not attracted to them? I have befriended this girl and i know nothing is going on on her side…. but I can’t shake the feeling that he is low key into her. It’s driving me crazy! Should I trust him? He has lied to me on several occasions because he doesn’t like the way I react. And that is why I can’t trust that there is nothing going on on his side. He has the tendency to sweep his emotions under the rug and I am so afraid that he has done the same with his possible feelings for her.
Lisa Redfield says
First, I would take into consideration that he seems honest with you. He has told you the truth about how he feels about her – and I would believe him. I know it seems impossible, but trusting him is the only way. Being fearful all the time will only drive him away from her, and I think you know that. The one you really have to trust is yourself, and your self worth, and that everything is always working out for you. Again, it’s hard, but living in fear is impossible.
Darlene says
My boyfriend has a girl best friend. Have been friends for over 7 years. I’ve known him for 9 but started a romantic relationship about 8 months ago. I’ve always trusted him. Except when I found out one of his girl friends dropped off cookies at Christmas and I had a weird feeling about it. I looked on his phone and found old sex photos of his ex. He apologized. Deleted them. Said I was welcome on his phone but that he forgot about them (they were approx 4 years old). After that he ignored a phone call (which he never did before) and replied with he was watching a movie with his best friend. I felt weird about that (if I was with my best friend I still would have answered). I told him how I was becoming insecure and that I wanted him to help me get through it. We’re long distance and he has 2 girl best friends that he hangs out with alone. I knew he chose me and I knew if he wanted them he wouldn’t go through all this with me. He wants me and my family and instead of helping me to get through it he ended up lying to me about when they hang out and their messages. It’s driving me crazy. I tell him it’s okay if they do, they are best friends after all, but that he needs to tell me and I should know their conversations (some are innapropriate in my opinion, like her sex life ). They hang out weekly and talk every other day at least. He talks about moving in with me. And becoming my husband but he keeps lying. He says it’s innocent and that he’s just trying to avoid blow outs from me but I end up more hurt about the lying. I found out for the 4th time in two months that he again deleted conversations where she said I was controlling because he is seeing and talking to her less so he can focus on our relationship. After this time. I gave him an ultimatum. I treated it Like, if he was lying to me about anything it would be me or it. And unfortunately she’s included. I never wanted to do this but I have no idea what to do anymore. I don’t even know if that will stop the lying. I feel lost and confused. He’s incredible in every other way and until I said I was insecure I never felt he was lying to me. In the beginning I didn’t think there was an affair going on either and now I seem to think maybe there is.
Margaret says
Hi Marilyn,
Just wanted to say I really feel for you. That situation would really eat me up! It’s obvious he doesn’t want to be with her because he chose you. In fact, I think it may comfort me that they had a past and he chose to end it, and aren’t friends who won’t admit they may be attracted to each other. It’s good to know he doesn’t see her as a romantic option anymore. I really wish you the best with this. Dealing with my boyfriend’s friendship with a girl has really taken a toll on me. Changing my feelings on it is easier said than done. I hope you don’t doubt yourself or think you’re crazy! Good luck x
Marilyn says
Hi Lisa, thank you so much for this article. I have been dealing with this for a while now. Here’s the sitch: before he was my boyfriend, John picked up a very attractive girl at the supermarket with his charming ways. They dated for a month, and I’m not sure how got and heavy it got. After a month, he decided that she wasn’t for him; he backed off and told her the truth, that he wasn’t interested in her romantically, but if she wanted to stay friends, he’d be ok with that. She was very much in love with him, but She of course agreed to that because he’d still be in her life. This was around 2.5 years ago. They have become BEST FRIENDS, even going on a very special trip together. She posts pictures of them on social media, looking like a couple, and he did the same, before he met me. My boyfriend and I met 16 months ago, were friends for a while before he asked me to be his gf, and then we made it official 9 months ago. I didn’t have a problem with their relationship until I saw them together at a party we were all at. The way she looked at him was totally with love eyes. The way I look at him. She laughs at everything he says in the most flirtatious way and when he wasn’t around she even made a comment to me saying that her current boyfriend was good but not nearly as funny as John. Comparing her boyfriend to mine just irked me. They speak every day all day through text. Although they no longer see each other in person often, it bothers me that they still text everyday. When they do see each other, she makes sure to take selfies and post them on Instagram. She has declined several invitations of mine to go out, and he also told me that she gets angry if he doesn’t text her back right away. My boyfriend is the most LOVING, COMMITTED boyfriend I’ve ever known. He’s so absolutely in love with me. This I know. So I have absolutely no trust issues when it comes to him. It reallly bothers me that I cannot get a hold on this. It has cause riffs in our relationship when I freak out on him for always checking his phone because I automatically assume it’s her. I’m hypersensitive because I always think it’s her. It’s important that I mention I’ve never brought this up to him because I do not want him to feel like I’m jealous or trying to control who he talks to. I’d be so upset if he did this to me. But easy for him, I do not have a male best friend who I used to date. How do I just deal with this without it eating me on this Inside? Ive taken your tips seriously, but every time I 5hjnk of her or see one of her messages pop up I just want to completely lose it and it makes me feel really badly. I’m a very happy person, usually so calm and relaxed and this is totally throwing me off. How do I get her to back off? I know she’s in love with him and he tells her everything, I know this. I don’t trust that she’s gjving him the right advice about me. The first time we met, she told him I made her feel anxious because I was stretching. I’m a yoga teacher, that’s just how I move! That just told me how uncomfortable she was around me and that said it all.
Anyway, please, any advice would be great…this is just killing me. And I’m also never invited to their hang outs. She’s so jea,our of me, because I feel like she thinks I won, and I did! He chose me! So back off lady!
Lisa Redfield says
I understand how you feel, but, to quote you – “he is definitely in love with me”. I think that it doesn’t natter at all that she’s in love with him – because he loves YOU. The more you think about this, and pay attention to her and her actions – the more power you giver her and the more this hurts your relationship.
Give my tips a try for a couple of weeks – but seriously – and see how this affects your situation. I guarantee that if you change the way you feel about this – your reality will also change.
Margaret says
I can see your point! Thanks for your response 🙂 It’s hard to imagine being in his shoes. When I’ve tried to, though, I realize that with most of my guy friends who are that close, there’s been some attraction from either me or them, or we’ve hooked up at some point. It’s just not 100% platonic. In fact I’ve thought of a very similar friendship I had with a guy, who was super helpful to me, and we were loyal friends to each other, but deep down I had feelings for him because I knew how much he cared about me and this blurred the lines between friends and someone I loved. I feel like it’s hard to believe that for both of them (especially because she’s single and 37 and tells him often she is worried she won’t find someone to love her), it’s hard to believe it’s 100% platonic. Any ideas?
Lisa Redfield says
Even if it’s not 100% platonic, it doesn’t mean that it is not YOU he wants and is in love with. Trust me, you will too find yourself attracted in one way or another to other guys outside your relationship – but it doesn’t mean that you’ll fall for them or act on it.
We can’t control other people and attraction is a natural thing. But we make a choice about who we want to be in a relationship with.
You have to regain your self esteem in this matter because feeling insecure can only hurt your relationship and drive him into her arms.
Margaret says
My boyfriend has a female friend who is his best friend and also his neighbor, so they hang out a lot on a whim, and get dinner, drinks. They always hang out one-on-one. When we first started dating, she was in a long-term relationship and I thought nothing of her friendship with my SO. Then she broke up with that guy, and my bf would bring her food because she was so upset. Then her dad died, and he got mad at me because he assumed I would not “let” him go to the funeral because he knew his closeness with this girl was bothering me. We set a boundary that she wouldn’t spend the night (on his couch, which she’s done a few times), and when I went out of town, she came over at midnight, and they watched movies and passed out. I only knew this from reading his texts (I know, ugh) and confronting him about it. He felt awful he lied to me. Then I broke up with him. However now we are in this gray space of trying to work things out, but I don’t know if I can handle it. I feel mad at myself that this is tearing me apart and I’m obsessing over it. He has brought me flowers multiple times since the breakup. He’s told me he would hang out with her in groups for the next few months while we rebuild our trust. But he says “if you loved me you would let me have a friend.” I feel he isn’t empathetic, and I don’t want to be controlling. Any advice?
Lisa Redfield says
I understand why this bother you so much. On the other hand, he seems to really love you and want you to be happy. I think you would know what to do if you try to put yourself in his shoes. Think about what you would do/feel if you were him and you had a great friend that was a male. Can you imagine it?
Ashley says
How do I over power my feelings with logic in this case? It makes it so hard to control my mind when these feelings happen.. I have been in countless situations and relationships where my significant other has lied, cheated, betrayed.. I am so open and honest and although I do expect the same, I know most people aren’t. It makes it extremely difficult for me to trust and it seems no matter how hard I try the feelings of confusion, inadequacy, shame, jealousy, mistrust continues.. No matter how hard I try to believe. Perhaps i’m not as conscious of it. I feel like my relationship has fallen apart because of this, my partner and I have a 2 year old son and things have been rocky from the start.. We’ve been together almost 3 years, we love each other but i’m just not sure what to do anymore. I feel like his dishonesty has taken my faith away. I don’t wish to change him, I just wish he could understand. This is a great article among many others and I truly think it has helped with my current situation. I will actively try to improve my mental capabilities in this regard 🙂 very powerful message with the law of attraction. <3
Lisa Redfield says
I’m glad this has helped Ashley, and I think the answer to your question is within your question. If you believe in you creating your own reality and the law of attraction, what do you think you attract when you think these thoughts (I’m quoting you): “the feelings of confusion, inadequacy, shame, jealousy, mistrust continues”?
The good news is that awareness to this is the most important step in making a real change – and you are there. I see good things in your future. Good luck!
Rachel says
I’ve known my fiance since we were kids, and got together during high school and then after, we just have our first kid together after being together for two years. His best friend is a girl we went to school with and they’ve been friends for 8 years, she has never been nice to me. We had alot of the same friends in school but she was always rude to me when I was around. Fast forward to the last two years, at first i didn’t mind them hanging out bc it was his friend and i had nothing to worry about outside of me not liking her. Then one day she texted him asking why she always gets with married men and he responds with” you have a pretty face, you’ll just have to get used to it” a few months later shes texting him good morning a few days in a row and he responds. Mind you, they havent hung out in over a year but she still texts him often and he responds everytime knowing how badly i am bothered by it. I feel like she is jealous that him and i got back together and she cant come to him everytime she needs to be reassured after break ups and stuff bc thats what he’s always done for her. I feel like she is stepping over boundaries in our relationship. Every time she texts him my stomach turns and i feel sick. I don’t feel like he would cheat on me but the way he defends her through all of the things hes done wrong like it’s no big deal makes me firmly believe he’d leave me. I recently asked him to stop talking to her after she texted him at 11pm the day after our baby was born (after her bf went home) and talked to her all day the next day after he left the hospital and stopped right when he got back. It made me feel uneasy that he did it behind my back. He gets mad everytime i point something out and says he can’t help if she likes him, he doesn’t like her. Am i just being jealous? does he even love me? is he trying to fight off feelings for her?
Lisa Redfield says
I think that you should focus on the fact that you are the one he is living with and started a family with. I know it’s super hard, but your resistance to her and their relationship is actually strengthening their relationship. It’s not true that he doesn’t like her – he does. But he is not in love with her, he just enjoys the attention and is being flattered by someone else attracted to him.
Trina says
So my bf and I have a child together but broke up while I was pregnant because I didn’t like some of the things his friend of 20 yrs was doing. She would send him snap chats all hours of the day and night and continuously call and text him when she knew we were on a date or together. We broke up through my pregnancy and got back together after our daughter was born. Fast forward and we are back to the same situation. She’s married and has been but I find their relationship odd. Why does she constantly send him pictures? Why does he have all of them saved? Why does she only contact him when we are together on a date or what not. We live together and he hasn’t once offered to introduce me to her and I often find him sneaking around to text or call her. She literally sends pics to him all hours of the night, she snaps them to just him and it annoys me. Should I just realize he won’t ever pick his family and move on from the relationship?
Lisa Redfield says
Maybe if you could convince yourself that he has already chosen – you and and your daughter – you’ll be able to relax and ignore this for a while. The more you ignore it and be confident – the more he’ll gradually lose interest and she will fade out of your life.
Lia says
My boyfriend recently got in contact with an old friend from middle school. He had lied to me about where he was and I got suspicious and checked at his moms like he said and he wasn’t there I call him furiously and ask him where he’s at he lies again then I call him a 3rd time and he finally says he’s with the old friend and he claims that he had to lie so I wouldn’t think he’s cheating well he took her for a ride in his truck took her to go get some drinks and then sat at the beach with her for an hour. He NEVER does any of this with me and last night she stayed the night I was jealous because he’s been ignoring me and I just went to our room and got drunk while they were talking he fell asleep on the sofa with her and I woke him up to come to bed which he got upset over he told me that she used to like him and I’m not comfortable with that. Now because I got mad and yelled at my boyfriend for lieing to me we’re on a break we’ve been together for 8 years and we have a baby together so we live together but we’ve only lived together for a year now and since then our relationship hasn’t been the same he’s distant and doesn’t do simple things like hug or kiss me or even talk to me I try talking but he says I just piss him off and that’s why he doesn’t want to because I bug and nag him about him then I told him that I know he loves me but I feel like he’s not in love with me anymore which broke my heart I feel like it’s to late we’re still living together he’s a mean person in general so he says he wants me to move out but he asked her if she wanted to move in with him and stay in the baby’s room she agreed and now I’m staying here too and she says it’s weird and probably doesn’t want to but she did with the idea of me leaving I hate the way I feel and he keeps saying he likes talking to her because she isn’t annoying or nag or get mad at what he says I want him to treat me like a girlfriend again and I don’t like how much they’re together he’s been hanging out with her for the past 4 days constantly calling texting going places with her and he never invited me to do anything with them except yesterday to let our daughter play st the park but was mad the entire time and ignored me and only talked to her he makes me feel like she’s his girlfriend and I’m a third wheel I don’t want to let her move in because he’ll only talk to her and hang out with her but she has home problems so I want to help her out but not if it breaks my heart and ruin my relationship I don’t know what to do anymore I need help quickly I tried moving out but he didn’t want me to leave he used seeming the baby as an excuse and I do and I don’t want to leave now I don’t want to leave at all if she’s moving in I look like I’m crazy because I’m so jealous I just feel neglected in my relationship and he doesn’t want to try but doesn’t want me to leave and he tells me it would hurt him to see me with someone else but to me it seems like he’s basically dating her in front of my face and I can only watch and be hurt and cry about it but he has reasons in why he doesn’t hug or kiss me as much as he used to and he says that I’m clingy and annoying and I ask to much I need advice can you help me with my situation?
Lisa Redfield says
Wow, that’s a difficult situation. I think that if I were you I would definitely leave. It will give him the chance to realize his mistake and see what he’s about to lose.
Carrie says
Oh no! That is uncalled for, he is obviously messing with her. Girl take your baby and hit the road. Plenty more fish in the sea sweetheart, never let a man treat you like that. He is trying to control you, getting you to stay.
Lisa says
What if they used to have sex before I knew him?
Lisa Redfield says
That makes it so much harder, I know. Try to use your gut feeling: Is he still attracted to her? would he cheat on you? your inner voice will tell you the answer, and you’ll know better what to do.
Nicole says
I have the same situation where my boyfriend has a female friend before me and they have a sexual history together. When I’m not around they spend a lot of time together. Sometimes with other people and by themselves. He now wants to involve her more in our lives. He makes plans without asking me. How do I handle this?? He just assumes I’m okay with this. He’s made reference before that he wants a life with me and no one else. He does not want to marry again. He’s made comments that we can be a threesome together and travel. Is this normal????
Lisa Redfield says
Well, “normal” depends on how to define it. I would not ignore the fact that he actually said that he wants to be with both of you and travel. Now you have to decide if this is something you can do. If not, you’ll have to talk to him about it, calmly, and say how this makes you feel.